His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

Fair enough, easily done. Thanks for clarifying @Thewookiemustgo

I think someone asked about the contact with the OW. He’s been doing it for about a year and a half apparently if she is to be believed. Stalking her socials and asking mutual friends acquaintances etc but not trying to rekindle anything (so she says, but could be protecting him)

I’d be inclined to believe her tbh. She isn’t going to gain anything by lying to you although yes she may be protecting him (and you) by minimising it and probably letting him know you were in touch with her.

I know… to be honest I don’t see what she gains by lying at this point. It’s been so long. and it fits with everything else.

It sounds like Limerence, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her and looking at her social media (why didn’t she block him?)

You would think that being found out would wake him up and jolt him out of what sounds almost like an obsession. I imagine that he would then have realised what an absolute f*k up he’s made and then tried to do everything in his power to put things right, certainly be careful never to take any risks to get sucked back in, ever again.

But he didn’t, did he? He paid lip service to you, and continued watching her from afar, asking acquaintances about her. I would find the openly asking others about her actually a huge betrayal, too. Assuming you would also see these people, they’d have been thinking in the back of their mind he’s hankering after OW.

I think you deserve a lot more. I understand that an affair can be a catalyst for some couples to perhaps fix underlying issues and eventually get even closer than before. It doesn’t sounds as though this is what you’re experiencing.

I’d be careful with the OW. Still no guarantee of the truth. Depends on how she feels about him going back to you, even with nothing to gain in the situation some like to use it as an opportunity for revenge to make his life more difficult after being badly treated. She’ll know it won’t help him at all to tell you he’s been contacting her regularly, whether he has or not, and she’s very unlikely to want to help. Not impossible, but very unlikely.
There’s no guarantee of anyone who has been part of an affair telling the truth about the past, both affair partners are skilled and practised liars, he’s stayed stuck in this mode, it takes work to change easy lying when you have become so accustomed to living a lie, and using lies as a modus operandi to get through the day without a backward glance.
Contacting the other person seems tempting when your partner is still being less than truthful, the quest for the truth of exactly what happened and who said/ did what can eat you from the inside out, but OW or OM are certainly not a great place to look for it and you can’t rely on their words.
I always think contacting an OW or OM is a pointless exercise, they have no incentive to tell the truth, especially if it helps the one who dumped them and helps the person they wanted out of the way for the duration of the affair or permanently.
She’s just more unreliable noise in this situation, I’d concentrate on him: his attitude, his intentions and where to go from here, he needs to shape up, she’s irrelevant and no friend to you or your marriage. She never was.
The last person I’d have relied on in my situation would have been the OW, she couldn’t wait for me to get dumped, encouraged my husband to do it as soon as possible, couldn’t see why he would want to wait until
after one of our kids’ GCSEs because “they’re going to get upset sooner or later anyway, so why not now?” and showed him that she couldn’t care less about anyone except herself, no matter how much she told him she loved him. Her total lack of concern for his kids shocked him into questioning what she was actually like. Her desperation was her undoing with him because she let the mask slip. She had one goal which became very obvious, and would hardly have wanted to help me or him by telling the truth afterwards, even though she might know it wouldn’t get her anywhere.
Huge pinch of salt required here.

Typos sorry.

Just discovered that if you leave a page open on MN then read another thread, it seems to think your comment on the new thread belongs to the thread that was on the open page you went back to. 🙄

Just wanted to say thank you for everyone who has taken the time to reply. I really appreciate it and it’s given me a lot of different ways to view things which has helped. Especially appreciate it given I know it’s something than can be quite triggering for some who have been through similar.

After a lot of reflection I think sadly in this case I can’t put it down to ‘limerence’ or just a small thing that’s missing… it’s been a long time, had it been a few months afterwards it kind of would have meant less in a way… but it’s not just his behaviour towards OW but more his behaviour towards me, and it’s been subtle and a total mind fuck because he says he wants to stay and makes this big show of being ‘committed’ but I just don’t feel like he wants me or loves me like that. Part of me has thought I had to accept that for the sake of the family or that it would improve, but I think fundamentally this probably won’t be good enough for me. I am always going to be wondering about this and have it in the back of my mind that he actually wanted her, and this is all about duty. He shouldn’t have to ‘try’ or be ‘doing his best’. It feels forced. And it’s making me feel like shit.

He’s back tonight but I think once DCs are in bed we’re probably going to have to talk it through as I don’t think we can carry on like this now.

BlushTeddy

good luck
remember this is your life and your decision

im sure it’s been incredibly painful and for such a long time

sending lots of healing and strength your way

I've been following this thread from the start and it sounds similar to my experience.

My dh had an emotional affair, or this is what he told me it was, the most that had happened is they'd met for coffee and kissed once. The rest was done over the phone, texts and calls.

I spent the next 3 years trying to make the relationship work for the sake of my dc, and also me. I was embarrassed and ashamed I wasn't good enough for him. But things just didn't add up. Nothing huge but I always felt I'd never got the full story. My feelings for him were never the same and I struggled to get past it. 3 years after my discovery of his EA it came to light it had been a full on physical affair and he'd had sex with her on at least 3 occasions. This was the nail in the coffin I needed to leave. The sense of relief I got when I told him I was done was wonderful. I was actually happy for the first time in years. I thought I'd be gutted but I wasn't. I think I'd been second guessing everything for years and it was ME that was trying to make the relationship work - he felt he'd done enough by staying so didn't have to try anything else.

I do hope you're as happy as I was once you realise you don't have to try any longer and you can finally let the world know what an arse he is and move in.

@wildwestpioneer thank you - it’s nice to hear there is hope on the other side. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. And to find out more later down the line. I feel very much the same but the other way around. Knew about the sex stuff (he made out that was all it was) and then the rest of kind of trickle truthed but still a lot of denial about his real feelings. And now this, so it’s starting to finally make sense.

I’m glad you’re happier now - all credit to you.

I've been following your thread and just wanted to add my experience. Not quite the same but I stayed after an affair and tried for a year. A year later he did it again and it was then I knew that I deserved better. I too felt the relief and what is startling now look back is how exhausting it was to keep trying. That was 5 years ago and I am now incredibly happily married to my second husband who adores me. The biggest eye opening moment for me was a friend asking me why I believed I didn't deserve better. That is what has resonated with me through your posts. YOU deserve to be number one not a 'duty.' YOU deserve to be the one your partner can't stop thinking about. YOU absolutely deserve better than this.

Wishing you the best of luck with your conversation tonight.

Every word of this. So glad you're happy now, Ihaveated.

@BlushTeddy just wondering how you are? Hoping OK x

Hi - thanks for asking.

It’s been a horrible few days. Spoke to him when he got home, he was furious I contacted OW as it was all over and ‘in the past’. Eventually he confirmed she was telling the truth. He couldn’t really deny then he still had feelings for her, but still insisted he had made his decision to be with me and DC blah blah blah. That he hadn’t tried to restart anything.

I said I couldnt understand why he didn’t think him essentially being emotionally elsewhere wasn’t an issue. That it’s completely unfair that he’s still lying. He seems to think the fact he hasn’t actually ‘cheated’ is all that matters. He knows I’ve noticed him being distant and he’s essentially gaslighted me by denying it all.

I feel like I don’t know who he is and that the whole reconciliation has been a lie. I don’t understand how he can be so inauthentic. That even if his ‘intentions’ are good and he now wants to pretend to be a devoted husband and father, he is anything but because he clearly wants her and is still being a liar. He hasn’t changed. Why should I be with someone who isn’t emotionally invested in me, or who loves me. It’s all just pretend because it’s easier for him!

He’s moved out to his parents. I think it’s over for us to be honest.

I think it's better that it's over OP. It might be upsetting at first, but he's been causing you distress.

I'm so sorry that it ended up this way. Youre a good and sincere person.

It's good he moved out so you don't have have him in your face while dealing with this.

How is your child doing?

You deserve better op.

You have done the right thing.

Good luck for the future.

It’s for the best. May not feel like it now but it is. The doubt will eat away at you and that’s no way to live

You deserve so much better than him. I'm so glad you can see you are worth more than this. Stay strong!

Thanks everyone. I still don’t understand why he’s done this and wasted so much of my time continuing to lie. At least I tried.

I had a similar sort of issue but he is very abusive. I also spent 2 years trying to fix it. He didn't change.

If I didn't try, I probably always would have wondered 'what if?' I don't think I would have moved on so easily with those doubts in my mind.

Now I don't need to wonder anything. He had his last chance and he blew it and that's that. I can walk away knowing I gave everything and he didn't give anything back. I can walk with my head held high and so can you.

Sorry it's turned out this way, OP. You deserve a lot better and I'm sure in time you'll find it.

I agree completely with @sugarloop. You would have always wondered. You can walk away with your head held high.
It might not feel like it now but you have an amazing future ahead of you.

@MsRosley thank you so much 😊