His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

thats not really logical op. Let her down gently means they are still seeing each other and he’s now ending it. Isn’t it over? You said it was 2 years ago. Why would he be letting her down gently 2 years later?

I think you know what it means, you just don’t want ti face it.

Im sorry that’s a horrible thing to discover. It is hard for anyone else to know what is going through your DP’s mind and emotions. In your position, contact the counsellor on your own and ask for a separate conversation to ask their advice.

Let’s take it at face value for a minute - he wants to stay, he deeply regrets causing so many problems for everyone. Because you found out about the affair, it was presumably an abrupt ending - he never fully processed whatever feelings he had about the OW? One day he was living a secret double life, coping with the guilt, separating whatever love he had for his family from his need to lust after the OW. If the affair was a long one, that lust may have started to feel like love and that’s a very confusing thing - to let yourself love two people. To have one life totally separate from the other. So what does he miss now? Easy no-strings, ego-boosting sex? Or more than that - true feelings?

He is a man who makes terrible, immoral, cruel choices; he was on a trajectory towards a failed marriage but not really thinking through; now he’s telling the OW he misses her. He is yanking her chain cruelly. He should have ended it and blocked her, end of story.

I don’t know how you can trust him again.

I think I would say to him very calmly, “I notice you have been texting OW again saying you miss her. Why did you think it was ok to contact her in that way, without discussing it with me first?”

Hm I know it's clearly against the grain but if it was in response to a message from her then I could definitely buy into letting her down gently.

I would find that unforgivable.

The context doesn’t even matter here. He’s not letting her down gently at all. You don’t tell someone you miss them if you want to end contact with them.

What is he messaging her on? I would gain access if it is what’s app, messenger etc and see what is being said as it happens. I know mn is in favour of not doing this and just leaving if you can’t trust. But it’s the best way to make sure he can’t gas light you or play down details regarding the messages.

He’s playing her and absolutely showing you who he is!

He will beg and cry again but this is absolutely not reconciliation and not a sign of remorse.

He’s still a selfish and entitled man child. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

what a pathetic creep! Time to find your strength and show him what you’re made of!

I'm going to go against the grain and say that he has reiterated that he is committed to your marriage. It is impossible for someone to cut all feelings dead for an AP, lingering feelings are normal. I'd guess most people who have had an affair would admit (privately) that they have moments of missing the person. The worrying part is that he is communicating that to her. I wouldn't be happy with that. I'd bring it up and ask for an explanation and reinforce boundaries.

It's interesting you say you "had a feeling".

Generally, when we have these feelings, it's our gut telling us something is wrong.

I suspect he is currently displaying the same behaviours now, as the last time he was cheating and you unconsciously are being reminded of these behaviours.

Alarm bells are ringing, although its subconscious and your gut is telling you he is acting the same way as he was when he was cheating.

Sometimes we need to listen to our gut instincts.

Well it was said in the context of ‘I know I haven’t been perfect but I’m trying’.

that suggests it wasn’t her first? I don’t know.

He’s with you, it doesn’t sound like they’re in regular contact. Maybe he’s just trying to say something ‘nice’ to her in a cack handed way that he thought no-one would ever see.

I would be upset, but it doesn’t read like he’s seeing her or speaking to her a lot.

It’s a bit naive to think that feelings for other people just completely evaporate when an affair ends. He’s been an idiot writing it down I reckon if he meant it.

Tend to agree.
What else could he say?
Get lost and never contact me again.
That would be cruel.
What he said meant the same thing but in a more gentle way.

Yes, this puts it perfectly.

It wouldn't surprise me if he left that message on purpose for you to find to be honest

Can’t understand why so many posters think this is a reply when there’s no evidence of that 🤷‍♀️It sounds like a fishing text to me to see if she still is waiting for him.

If she had texted him there should be zero response, absolutely nothing. No gentle let down nothing.

The sleazy cheaters who do it for the sex will move on quickly, the ones who fall in love with someone else will always think of them. Even when you fix it. It's upto you if you can live with that.

He's not letting her down gently, they've reconnected after nearly 2 years and he says he 'misses her'. Sorry op but this isn't the actions of a man who's doing his best to make the relationship work with you.

What he should have done is, if it was her that text him first, is he should have told you and not responded, or told her in, in uncertain terms he wasn't interested. If it was him that reached out to her, for any reason what so ever, that's not on.

Either way, or whatever way you look at it, he's kept it from you and told the ow he misses her - even if it was to 'let her down gently' it's an appalling act of disrespect to you

LEAVE or kick him out

Unless you are happy being a doormat the rest of your life.

I’d be more confident it was letting down gently if I could be sure she’d messaged first or knew what she’d said but I don’t.

the ‘I know I haven’t been perfect’ but makes me think he’s done something else. Or wasn’t just her. But then also he keeps saying he’s committed. I’m just wondering if I’m clutching at straws here.

He said he wanted to try and make it work with you so had no reason to message her at all.

Even if it was the first message and there was nothing else said before, it sounds like he had sent that in hope he might get a reply.

You've gave him the chance to try and put things right and he's still being sneaky. Is it really worth it?

Im so so sorry

what a hurtful and horrible thing to find xxx

hug

I think you just need to ask him op. You can't pretend this isn't happening. Just think about what to say first.

How did you see the message in the first place?

Ask him about it and see what he says. Otherwise it will drive you mad.

It's possible for him to love you and feel committed to you and still send that message. All kinds of things are possible. It's possible to love two people.

You will never know for sure what is in his heart, as no doubt his opinions change daily and hourly, like everyone's. All you can decide is whether you love him enough to make it worth living with this uncertainty. Do you still love him?

I’m sorry, I don’t think anything other than no contact is acceptable.

Is the OW single or us she in a relationship? If so what’s the state if it and does the other party know?

That sounds to me like an "if only things were different" type of message "I miss you but I just have to do the right thing for my family". What a martyr. If he was fully committed to saving his marriage, she should have been blocked long ago. This would be game over for me.