His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

Of course his behaviour to you was, and is, abusive…?

He’s caused you mental (and almost certainly physical) distress and trauma. Over an extended period of time. He’s lied to you. He’s been cruel to you. He’s hurt you. That’s abuse.

And now the dawning realisation that he doesn’t like you. And for you, too - you don’t actually like him either, right?

You deserve so much better

I'm sorry OP. I think you are doing the right thing in letting him go. He is just not fighting hard enough for you and his family. One day he will regret that.

So he continues to be a pathetic man child.

You have your answer. Posters here may disagree over why he’s being so pathetic, but we can all agree he’s utterly pathetic and that you’re worth so much more.

Stick to your path! Good luck!

op I also agree his behaviour has been heinous

to hurt Someone and then deny that hurt is just so inhumane

I don’t think splitting will be easy and I don’t think he will make it easy
I also suspect you will have more emotions to process as this happens and a decent therapist might be a good idea

look after yourself OP
as your asshole husband never did
bastard

I don't have the words but i'm sorry you're going through this again. You did your best, don't let him change the narrative on that.
You're worth so much more and in time you'll be much happier.

Oh god op, I’m so sorry. A year and a half, that’s just awful. What a horrible way to treat you, he didn’t even try.

I’m sorry OP. It must already have been so hard to try to put your trust in him. Sadly once a cheat, always a cheat.

I think in his mind he was trying… and made this huge sacrifice in giving her up 🙄 ‘for his family’…that’s how it feels!

‘The Journey from Abandonment to Healing’.

can I suggest the book above. It gives you clear guidance on how to help your brain when it overthinks and suffers from what has happened to you. It also has exercises.

Also ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant.

There are others I can recommend if you are a big reader. But the first two you should read and then do the exercises.

The abandonment book discusses using this trauma as a reboot, to fix old wounds and learn to live in the now. I believe you will come out of this stronger - I know you may not feel it now but you will.

He on the other hand will blame others for his poor characteristics and choices. Without plugging the black hole inside him he will never truly be happy. He is free now but I’m sure he will be wallowing and moping still. Lack of accountability, lack of drive, lack of passion, lack of honesty, prefers to lie, hoping other make him happy, hoping others fulfil his needs. Until he fixes it he’s a risk to partners. An unhappy partner would have said let’s fix this together, what changes can WE make to make OUR life as great as possible. Instead sulky mcsulker said nothing and resented HIS choice. What a Wally.

We make choices daily. I really believe this can be used to make you happy and recognise your worth. Write a list of your good points. Focus on who you are (loyal, faithful, honest) live by your traits and better times will come. His actions are on him. Focus on your actions that demonstrate you are a great person.

All the best.

Thanks for the book recommendations. I hadn't heard of these before.

Even though I've worked through my exH infidelity and betrayal with a therapist quite a bit, these seem like they'd be helpful in rebuilding.

Thank you so much for this. I will definitely look into those books.

Good luck both of you.

Counselling is great with the right person. But be careful with counselling. Too many counsellors focus on unmet needs (absolute nonsense). Meeting someone’s needs doesn’t change their character traits. Cooking someone’s dinner and oral sex at the drop of a hat doesn’t make someone honest, increase their integrity, stop people lying and have self worth. It’s nonsense.

I think people like unmet needs theory as it makes you feel in control. If I meet Bobs needs he won’t stray. Nonsense. Your behaviour can’t stop someone betraying you. They also have choices if they are unhappy 1) talk and improve 2) put up and shut up 3) leave. A person with self worth does one of those. You can’t control their choices - we aren’t powerful enough. A person with integrity doesn’t sneak down the bike shed with another person of low worth to get their ‘needs’ met. How does that fix anything? Lying, sneaking etc. it may give you the dopamine fix you crave temporarily but to a person with self worth and integrity it would make them feel terrible about THEMSELF. Why would you do that to yourself?

I don’t cheat for me. My word means something to me. What have I got if my words mean nothing? I don’t cheat for me. My husband is annoying sometimes - I don’t do it for him - but he is my collateral damage.

This.

@GentlemanJay thanks. Loved the website. Considered submitting this for entertainment factor on her site given it’s so sadly textbook. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point!

In fact I listened to the podcast the other day I think this thread was briefly mentioned 😂 god.

I just hope others don’t make the same mistake I’ve made. I should have left two years ago.

Wishing you lots of luck op!

@FairyMaclary pls can I get your reading list? I’ll pm you. I’m a real bookworm and on a bit of a post infidelity journey since my separation from STBXH a year ago. I’m always impressed by your solid advice on any thread (along with@Thewookiemustgo and @Susieb2023 )

@BlushTeddy Chump Nation has kept me sane this past 18m. Luckily, the LACGAL book popped up in my audible recommended reading 2 weeks before bomb drop day (the Amazon algorithm obviously knew what was going on before I did!).
Wishing you strength.

Just seen your update @BlushTeddy I'm so sorry, hope you ok and can start making plans now.

Totally in awe at your dignity and courage after having been blindsided whilst showing grace in the light of all the heartbreak.

Never forget this is all on him and nothing you could have done to prevent his selfish actions and total lack of integrity. Thinking of you and hoping eventually you get closure and find happiness again x

How are you keeping OP? Hope you're happy x