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Original poster

In a state of inertia when DH around

226 replies

Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 05:47

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

OP posts:
rileynexttime · 01/11/2023 05:52

Yes I can completely identify with this .
My partner has many interests outside there house so I go get time alone .
Though he does nothing around the house and I do feel like a housekeeper.

notasillysausage · 01/11/2023 05:52

Yes! I am exactly like this, motivated on my own but at the weekend when DH is home I get stuck, lazy and tired. I don’t know why, so can’t help there, but it’s strange.

littleblackcat27 · 01/11/2023 06:12

Absolutely ! I get on with a lot more 'stuff' if DH is away for work.

Nickleback · 01/11/2023 06:29

notasillysausage · 01/11/2023 05:52

Yes! I am exactly like this, motivated on my own but at the weekend when DH is home I get stuck, lazy and tired. I don’t know why, so can’t help there, but it’s strange.

This is me.

flaxentoad · 01/11/2023 06:29

Yes! Would love to know what that's all about. Had this for years...

LizzieSiddal · 01/11/2023 06:31

I have this too! It’s so weird.

SnapdragonToadflax · 01/11/2023 06:32

Yes, very much so! Isn't that weird? I get so much done on days he's out, I just sort of get on with things, whereas when he's home I feel stuck.

I do sometimes tell myself 'Act like you're alone in the house' so I can actually get stuff done.

I hadn't thought about retirement. Yikes!

Original poster
Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 06:38

Glad to know it’s not just me then. That is a comfort.

OP posts:
Celticdawn5 · 01/11/2023 06:44

Yes, exactly the same for me.
I also do not like him asking what I’m doing when he is about either.

Original poster
Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 06:46

I’m actively making plans to be out the house more because I can’t stand the inertia of being it it when he’s there.

OP posts:
Gemütlich81 · 01/11/2023 06:58

This is so interesting, me too!! I always feel motivated to do things on the way home and as soon as I come into the house and my partner is there, all the motivation goes out the window!!

GoodVibesHere · 01/11/2023 07:14

Yes this! It makes me annoyed that he's here 'stopping' me doing things, even though he's not actually stopping me.

What's it all about, do you think? I've wondered if it's because I'm expecting us to go out and do something together, like shopping or a coffee.

He mostly works from home now. He talks about him retiring in a few years, I'm worried about that.

pickledandpuzzled · 01/11/2023 07:19

Two possibilities-
He’s critical

but most likely- you attend to everyone else’s needs, hold yourself at readiness to respond to other people, and so can’t immerse yourself in an activity in case you get interrupted.

Does that ring a bell? I’m the same.

ThePoshUns · 01/11/2023 07:19

I'm the same if DH is away for an evening, i whizz around making dinner, clearing up after, washing on etc; sit down by 7 feeling smug.
When he's here I find myself waiting on him to do his bit, which of course isn't there and then and needs prompting.

DogDaysAreOverr · 01/11/2023 07:23

pickledandpuzzled · 01/11/2023 07:19

Two possibilities-
He’s critical

but most likely- you attend to everyone else’s needs, hold yourself at readiness to respond to other people, and so can’t immerse yourself in an activity in case you get interrupted.

Does that ring a bell? I’m the same.

Most definitely this...I am so attuned to being ready to tend to people that I can't immerse myself in anything for long enough. I expect (and do get!) interruptions and if I want to get on with something I always prefer to do it solo.

EVHead · 01/11/2023 07:24

I think when you’re on your own you can just decide “I’m going to put the laundry away”, then get up and do it.

When DH is there, you’re thinking “I should spend time with DH”, and “I need to put the laundry away, but I’ll need to tell DH I’m going to do it, I can’t just get up and walk out of the room, then there will be a conversation about where I’m going and why and he’ll ask me to make him a coffee while I’m up or offer me a coffee and blah blah blah” … then you think “Fuck it - I’ll just sit here. Hopefully he’ll go and do a chore then I’ll put the laundry away while he’s doing that”.

Original poster
Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 07:27

but most likely- you attend to everyone else’s needs, hold yourself at readiness to respond to other people, and so can’t immerse yourself in an activity in case you get interrupted.

Blimey I think that’s it. I really need to concentrate on me just doing me stuff and to hell with everything else. And not feel guilty about it

OP posts:
Gallowayan · 01/11/2023 07:37

I'm just wondering, is this a situation where its a small house and he is literally under your feet? This can be quite off-putting. It's a big mistake to downsize for retirement IMO. Sometimes another type of property can help, for example one that is more compartmentalised.

A good friend of mine insisted on moving to a three storey house at the moving in stage, It had a floor each for own space and activities and a shared floor for shared time with kitchen dining room etc. They were quite well of though Sounds like bliss.

Mia2468 · 01/11/2023 07:42

Yes this is me too - exactly. My DH is retired, I work part time - which is my choice to get some time to be me. DH doesn't leave the house alone often and if he does it's usually when I am working.

We down sized at the beginning of last year, he decided to retire then as we had lots of work done on the house. He originally said he would then go back to work part time but this never happened.

I like being able to potter around without being asked what I am doing all the time

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 01/11/2023 07:45

Yes, I'm the same. I was getting on fine when my husband was at work - going to different groups, doing various activities, cleaning the house a lot, seeing friends, trying lots of new recipes. Since he's been at home (7 months), I barely do a thing. As a result, I've gained a stone. He's quite happy to sit in the house all day watching tv.

GoodVibesHere · 01/11/2023 07:56

pickledandpuzzled · 01/11/2023 07:19

Two possibilities-
He’s critical

but most likely- you attend to everyone else’s needs, hold yourself at readiness to respond to other people, and so can’t immerse yourself in an activity in case you get interrupted.

Does that ring a bell? I’m the same.

This really is food for thought. It would help explain why I no longer read books or watch tv. I'm always 'on call'.

Original poster
Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 07:59

Oh our house is already large so we should be able to ignore each other. Albeit the living/kitchen/dining area is one big room.

it’s like we inert each other. I’ve announced my plans for the day, which involve being out the house without him and he now announces he’s going to visit a nearby city.

But if I wasn’t doing anything he’d happily remain in house all day. Arghhhhh

OP posts:
Beangrove · 01/11/2023 08:06

Exactly the same here. When he's not here I'm a whirling dervish of productivity, cleaning, doing life admin, random tasks like sorting out the cupboard under the sink, painting my toenails, devising games to play with the dog. Usually with music on loud, happy as a pig in shit. I was like this all the time when I lived on my own

When he's in I'm mostly a lump of potato sat on the sofa staring at the wall, interspersed with half arsed bursts of washing up and hoovering. Even when he's doing his hobby in a room upstairs with the door shut. I don't know what it is, I've come to two potential conclusions:

  1. if he's here I subconsciously resent being the one that takrs the care to make the house nice. He does absolutely pull his weight, but his approach to housework etc is its a massive chore, to be done as quickly as humanly possible so he can get on with doing other things. I actually quite enjoy it. We do not work well together on household tasks.

  2. weirdly although in some ways I am myself with him, I am much more myself when I'm alone left to my own devices. I actually 'save' things to do for when he's out because I know I'll enjoy them more without him here asking what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it, or why I'm doing it that way, or would I like a cup of tea while I do it.

We're not really getting on at the moment either which makes it far worse, I'm daydreaming about a little house just for me....

starlightcan · 01/11/2023 08:16

That is so weird (to me!) OP, I feel and notice exactly the same, but didn’t realise this was a ‘thing’. I thought it was just me! When he goes away for a night or so I’ll blitz loads of things and feel really organised, fresh and motivated. With him there, I, like you’ve described, get pulled into a sort of inertia.

It’s funny some of the things pp have mentioned above.

I also kind of stopped reading when we got together (lived together from v early on, not entirely my choosing). Whenever I got a book out he would peer over my shoulder and ask what I was reading. It always broke my ‘getting settled into it’ and made me start to pre-empt being disturbed so stopped finding it relaxing.

I don’t message people as much either. I’ve realised that I used to sit and do this in the evening, maybe with a glass of wine, whereas now we’re often sat together and it doesn’t feel the same with him watching what I’m doing.

To be honest I’d be very happy living separately and would consider this if/when funds allow!

Lupin61 · 01/11/2023 08:17

I’m like this too. When I lived alone I would do home exercise classes, cook lots of interesting recipes, clean the house thoroughly, writing, jigsaws, arts and crafts etc. since living with my husband I mainly just sit and watch tv or read a book but if I have the weekend to myself I’m a lot more motivated again. Weird!