In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Very interesting. I'm a single mother and feel this way massively. Especially regarding my 17 year old. When he's here, it's full on inertia and it is driving me mad.
As another poster said, it's the left overs of the years of hyper vigilance from when children were younger and getting interrupted at any moment.
It's destressing and frustrating.
I want to live alone, not in this soup.
Nice new coffee shop in my area so I'll be there on my laptop regularly.

Wow I’ve never seen this articulated but this is me aswell!

I have found my people! I can't get into anything as I am constantly interrupted by DD or DP - so what's the point of starting! But this is no way to be, how can we get over it? It'll be a while until I can have a room for myself and my crafting, reading, music, yoga, writing etc etc. I feel like my life is on hold...

Yes! This is me too. I think in my case it’s that DP has ADHD so he’s constantly wandering around the house for no fucking reason, peering out of windows, spreading his distractability. He has a radar for whatever room I’m in, where he has no earthly need or reason to be there, and comes wandering in, looks out the window, comments on the weather/a car/some random thought like “I must remember to get more nappies at the shop”, and completely distracts me.

He also hovers, so if I’m at the kitchen table writing a to do list or meal plan, or doing something more active like folding washing into piles, he’ll do his wandering in thing, announce he has to get on with work/go out/do something, then whip his phone out and stand there, absorbed. And I know he’ll snap out of it shortly then redisturb my concentration as he finally gets on with things, so I just wait and stagnate.

It’s akin to the feeling of someone leaving the house at 9 and you can’t settle down with your book at 8.45 even though they’re fully occupied getting ready, because (a) the faffing and loo visits and key hunting and pocket patting and performance shoe putting on is distracting but also (b) you’re “on hold” til they’re really gone. Except that on hold feeling is ALL THE TIME.

I have similar issues. Used to be similar at work - always considerably more productive when left alone.

This is the weirdest phenomenon and I'm just the same! DH is working from home and I'm here with the kids on half term.

If I were on my own I'd have tidied the kitchen, done the washing, sorted the kids with an activity but knowing he's here on meetings etc I'm on high alert, needing to be ready to referee as soon as one of the kids kicks off so they don't disrupt him.

I hate it. Even when the kids are at school and we're both in the house I just freeze and it's exactly like I feel like I'm on call and can't start something I want to do in case I'm needed or interrupted. So bizarre!!

@Didsomeonesaydogs YES THIS!! "He would also yell for me to come help him with a task and I was never quick enough getting there so always had to be ready to drop everything and run."

DH will decide, for example, he's going to mow the lawns. Great I say, I'll be upstairs putting the hoover over / changing the beds / whatever. Can guarantee within 5 mins he'll be shouting up for me to either: find the garage keys / locate some poop bags / unlock the side gate, because he already has his gardening boots on and cant come back in. Then do I know where the trowel / weedkiller is. Then a bit later he'll call me to sweep up the grass that's got on the patio. Meaning that the things I wanted to do get interrupted. It's never the other way round!

Can't tell you the relief of finding this thread! This is my life exactly right down to looking on Rightmove for that little house of my own ( that I can't afford). If only my retired hubby would go out somewhere or even better go away for a few days!

Funny....I was discussing this with adult DD only two days ago. She started a full time job and I suddenly stopped lazing around. I think I said I didn't like to be noisy (hoovering, laundry) if I thought she was sleeping in but by the time she got up I just couldn't be bothered any more as half the day had gone. But maybe I was on call too 🤔

I seem to be the only one who's not at retired husband stage, but we are both off at the same time Inc holidays always so maybe it's similar. Mine never goes away and a few months ago had a planned operation and was gone got five days, he wondered if I'd be OK, kept reminding me he'd be gone. I was more than fine and actually full of energy... is it a DH problem maybe?

I wonder if it’s because when you were together before he retired then it was time to relax (like a Sunday feeling). I mean possibly work (inc housework/other activities) was during time apart and then you stopped work when you were together? Now you’re together all the time every day feels like a Sunday? You’ve lost your structure and therefore your motivation?

My husband retired at Christmas and I definitely have days feeling like it, like there’s a long, aimless day ahead and I feel exhausted before I start. I don’t seem to feel that way on my own! Luckily he’s been doing a lot of travelling so it’s been fine but I’m not sure what will happen over winter, I’m worried we’ll drive each other potty. I think the way forward is to schedule some things together then encourage him to play golf/gym whatever to give him something to do?

Crikey. I thought it was just me. When DH goes away on a business trip the house is clean, calm, tidy and the children behave brilliantly. It all goes to pot when he's back.

I definitely do resent being the only one who cares about having a lovely home when he's around.

I also get irritated with the WAY he tidies (how can he inhabit a house for decades and still not have a clue how the cushions are arranged or where the pot plants go...?). Or the slap dash cleaning.

But at the same time I don't want to do it all because I'm not his servant. So I don't know if general irritation and disgruntlement is the inhibitor for me.

I am very much like this but I know why I'm this way. My DH is 60 and does very long hours as a coach driver. 60 hour weeks aren't unusual and when he's not at work he literally just flops on the sofa because he's bloody exhausted. And I've had on that sofa it's a nightmare trying to get him to do anything. So, I just sit on the sofa too as other wise I'm buzzing around doing 100% of the domestic work. Tbh I am fine doing that when he's at work.... but boy do I resent it when he's at home and I'm still expected to do ALL the domestic stuff. If I need him home for " jobs " like helping with decorating, moving furniture etc I know I can't just tell him to book 1 day off as that first day is ALWAYS dedicated to him catching up on sleep etc and watching shitty tv. I can get some work out of him on day two but with a brew break every 30 minutes and it's only in day 3 he really gets down to it and contributes equally as he's no longer knackered.

I'm not like this with DH but am like it with my kids and I really think it's the reason pp posted before. I am just so prepped to be asked for things I can't engage with anything else.

Yes, all of this!!

DH makes stupid comments. I can be stood in the bathroom wearing marigold gloves, a cloth in one hand and a bottle of Cif in the other and he'll just appear and say 'you're giving the bathroom a clean'. Why does he do this? It's a pointless question, or a pointless statement of an obvious fact.

Does he just want me to never feel 'free' to potter, with my mind clear of chatter?

He'll appear in the kitchen when I'm listening to the radio, emptying the dishwasher and he'll say 'That reminds me, I must book the M.O.T. for next month'. Why did it remind him?! And why do I need to know that he needs to book an MOT?

Oh dear, what are we all going to do about this? How can we change things?

This most definitely. We supposedly share the cleaning but I have to remind him every time and it is then done with a sigh and as quickly as possible. Why should I have to be responsible for ensuring our home is clean and tidy. I definitely resent his lack of concern and input.

This sounds dramatic but I do feel like I'm not living the life I could be because of this...a life where I'm a more dynamic do-stuff kind of person with an immaculate house and more achievements under my belt (and nicely painted nails to boot).

Is this what we have to sacrifice as (some) women in order to be in a relationship I wonder?! It's clearly not like this for everyone otherwise we'd have learned over the years not to cohabit surely?!

I so get this.

I've never seen it articulated here before.

I do get more done if DP isn't here.

I don't 'attend' to him when he's around but I feel a pressure from myself to 'spend quality time together' so I spend a lot of time waiting for him to be ready to do this. It's time I could and would spend more productively.

Eg I only read when he's not around.

It does tie in with too much doomscrolling!

My DH is like this. He is at home all the time due to chronic illness.

We seem to be drawn to each other like magnets. There is nobody I would rather spend time with and we can sit and talk crap for ages left unchecked. He does agree that this is the case, by the way, I'm not just annoying him. 😄But after a while he will say, "Right, much as I love you, please go away so I can do some things, you're holding me back"

Does he just want me to never feel 'free' to potter, with my mind clear of chatter?
@GoodVibesHere This!!! I feel like his emotional support brain sometimes: a human Notes app for his every thought, like he’s squatting rent-free in my brain. I’ve taken, when he starts telling me how to do list or asking me stupid questions, to saying “Actually I was using my brain for my own purposes right now.” Like you wouldn’t walk in and grab the saucepan from someone cooking, but it’s ok to grab someone’s attention?

I sort of have both. When my ex was around the house I would feel the need to look busy, but at the same time have the inertia. But he was hypercritical and was always talking up his busyness while doing fuck all around the house. He would go to his “office”, then I would find him asleep in the spare bedroom.

But I also wonder for the rest of you if it’s just part of an ingrained habit?

Im pretty sure when we had full on families the only time we could get on was when everybody was out of the house, no small children needing constant attention.

Habits and the thinking that goes with them, reinforce our neural pathways. So empty house = get cracking.

I also think a lot of other things come into play as mentioned above. Critical husband, lazy husband, hypervigilance to everyone else needs. For those in good marriages, dh being around = relaxing/sharing time together/general fun. That will of course make the thought of house busting less attractive.

Another one here who thought this was just me!!!!

Thank you OP for starting this thread.

I don't think I've ever actually tried to analyse why I'm like this. Lots of food for thought. Yes to hypervigilance, etc

I do this and have recognised it in the past few years. I feel lazy as I think when dh is there I don't get on with stuff unless he helps me.

I get this, but with the DC (lone parent). Granted, DS2 is only 8, so still pretty small, so I kind of do have to be on call to some extent. I get a rush of apprehension every time I hear his little feet pattering up the stairs/ coming into the kitchen behind me. He is waiting for an autism assessment, and tends to talk at me rather than to me. Proper interrupts my flow.

What also drives me mad (now I'm on my soapbox), is that DH is always very wishy washy about his whereabouts / times / plans which adds to the whole issue.

As he was leaving this morning, he said 'I might be going out tonight after work, I might not, I'll let you know later'. Which I KNOW isn't unreasonable, given ya know, he's an adult and he lives here, but at the same time I now can't 'settle' into whether I have an evening on my own or not, if I do I will make plans with myself to do things I won't end up doing if he is here (which may just involve watching a film I want to see, or, I dunno, cleaning the bathroom)! And if he is going out, will it be for an hour, or the whole evening? Will he turn up when I'm halfway through the film having had toast for tea, saying he's hungry and ooh what did you have, and I might pop down the Chinese and get some noodles, do you want any. Will I have to abandon the film halfway through because he keeps talking to me?

No point asking him as he'll only say he doesn't know, he'll tell me later. ARGH.