In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Omg I'm very late to this but I'm so glad to see it's not just me.

Definitely the on call thing at play here too. So interesting reading how common and depressing it is.

My now dh moved in with us 18m ago and he's a sweetheart but he is quite happy to live like an overgrown student, as is dd2 (16). It's a small house and he is very lazy laid back and sees me as an astonishing machine of productivity. Yet I've become more and more like him and am finding it so stressful. He works shifts so is often around and doing absolutely fuck all "because he's been at work/is working later" so it feels doubly hard to galvanise myself and the house is a tip these days.

I love him dearly, he's not critical or even all that distracting, but somehow I can't settle to anything. Think it's a hangover from exh actually, who was ultra critical, never still, I had to be perpetually ready to jump to whatever he wanted. Food for thought. I need to change mindset somehow as dh would be mortified if he knew what effect he was having.

One year on???? Jeez it seems like yesterday I wrote this. We’re in a bit better place in some ways but not in others. He’s out for a walk just now but for some reason I seem on tenterhooks at his return. I know he’ll come in and bash about and tell me stuff in a long winded way that makes me want to scream. I could finish his sentence 5 minutes before he hums n haws his way through it (I don’t but I really want to).
sometimes I think we’d be better off living apart together.

It never is a year ago? Crikey. Glad things are a bit better. I've just snapped at my DH for mouth breathing. I can't bear it!

omg OP we are living parallel lives. This has always been a bugbear with my partner. I know exactly what he’s going to say about 5 business days before he labours through it.

@starlightcan I feel your pain. Infuriating isn’t it? You have to sit there listening to them all the time thinking ‘I’ve got a finite amount of time left on this planet and I know this information already.

Oh dear

I have literally just had a day like this
We are bickering a lot at the moment
The inertia is dreadful

It’s the way DP just stands and stares, I told him the other day he was like an exam invigilator. I was in the front garden trying to plant a bare root hedge before the weather turned, had taken the day off to achieve All The Things. On his lunch break (wfh) he went out for a haircut and other chores, came home then just… lingered. “How’s it going?” It’s not going anymore because you’re watching me like I’m television. Just say hi and go about your business!

I am bumping this thread as I am feeling this greatly at the moment

Bumping this

This is me too. Part of it is that I know he’s really funny about noise. So I don’t put the vacuum round like I do when he is out. Of course, if he were to vacuum during the day then I wouldn’t feel the need to do it. I also have this feeling like I need to spend time with him rather than do chores, hence I do less.

Woweee I didn't see this one first time around and it really resonates with me too. Easter holidays, with DC knocking around at home and DH announced yesterday he's working from home all week!!! Now I know I'm not weird for feeling like this, I'm going to make a concerted effort to crack on with the things I need and want to do. Weekends are just so frustrating. I hated everyone yesterday because they all wanted to sit around watching TV and I had plans that just got sucked out of existence by the infectious inertia.

Just resurrecting this to say we came back from holiday end of June. Every Tuesday DH is supposed to work in the office. And every single Tuesday since we’ve been back, he’s decided he doesn’t need to and works from home instead.

It’s my one day…ONE day when I get the house to myself. It’s blissful silence, I feel motivated to get things done and it refuels me. What makes it even worse is each Monday evening I check with him that he’s planning to go in and he nods that he is:gathers his work bits, makes sure he has work attire. So I spend my evening planning what I’m going to get done (around work!) in my lovely empty house. And then every single bloody Tuesday he wakes up and changes his mind.

I haven’t had a solo day in the house since the end of June

i can’t bear it. I might scream!

@BrieEncounter I hear you, and feel your pain.

Resurrecting this thread as I feel so seen I want to cry!

DP and I don't live together. He has had loads of time off over Christmas (as have I) and on the days he's here I do ... nothing. He'll just sit there scrolling and I feel like I can't get up and do anything as it's "our time together". He'll scroll until HE'S ready for attention and I'm expected to give it to him. He'll get a bit stroppy if I decide to get up and shower soon.

I’ve really been working on my mindset to just do stuff. For me! And fuck anyone else.
it’s been lovely having the family home but I realise I’m like the Central Processing Unit for the family machine. Everyone defaults to their positions and yes they can do and think for themselves but I can see, process and come up with a more efficient way of doing stuff so none of the plates crash. Then I’m damned if I do say something and damned if I don’t. It’s so energy sapping sharing the same living space with folk who cannot see the whole picture, knock on effects, potential mitigating factors and have Plans and back up plans. I don’t think I’m special but I bet all you lovelies can think exactly the same way at the same speed.

I am the exact same. I had a bit of a low mood Xmas, and it made me sadder to realise everyone was here and I still felt the same.

Anyone else still feeling like this?

He'll scroll until HE'S ready for attention and I'm expected to give it to him.

Can you not train him that as soon as he starts scrolling, you'll get up and start doing something? Tell him that if he wants you "time together" then it has to be, y'know, together?

He'll get a bit stroppy if I decide to get up and shower soon.

Sounds exhausting. Is there any upside to your being together?

There really is! There are just times when I want to get up and potter and do housework, because I work more hours than when we were first together. He has ADHD so I think a lot of the time he has literally no idea how much time is passing while he mindlessly scrolls. He also doesn't have the same primary parent role that I do so while I'll be using weekend time to wash school uniform etc, he'll see it as relaxing time.

I love him immensely but will almost certainly never live with anyone again!

For me, the moment he gets his phone out to start mindlessly scrolling he's paused "our time together" and you can get up and go!

Does anyone else notice that their dh can be sitting reading or watching TV and when you come in the room they start saying oh im just going to.....
Or you'll both be sitting watching TV, when you start making a move and he says oh I think I'll go to bed...
Its like he has to check in with you all the time, like a kid with their mum...

Drives me fucking mental and he claims no knowledge of what I mean when I tell him. Its like an instinct to him, he just always does it and I feel like his "watcher " instead of his wife

I mean watching TV at night before bedtime

This is exactly what I meant. Its like hes waiting for you to take the lead. To drive things, to run things. To take the initiative.
It really drives me mad.

Another one here! I become non-functioning when man is here.

I was speaking to another woman about this a few years ago. She was the opposite. Was only motivated when her husband was home.

I have a little diy project I'd like to get in with but because OH is here I can't get myself into it!!

No wonder the unseen labour goes unseen!! 😅