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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In a state of inertia when DH around

226 replies

Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 05:47

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

OP posts:
starlightcan · 01/11/2023 15:51

@pelargoniums

It’s akin to the feeling of someone leaving the house at 9 and you can’t settle down with your book at 8.45 even though they’re fully occupied getting ready, because (a) the faffing and loo visits and key hunting and pocket patting and performance shoe putting on is distracting but also (b) you’re “on hold” til they’re really gone. Except that on hold feeling is ALL THE TIME.

OMG exactly 😂💯

MaryJanesonabreak · 01/11/2023 15:59

I have been thinking about this recently because I do it when my adult daughter comes to visit even when she’s here for two or three days. I can’t get on, I’m always on ‘hover’. And then I feel so dissatisfied with how my day’s gone.

ildaogden · 01/11/2023 16:04

Can 100% relate to all these comments. Xmas and bank holidays are even worse.
Thought it was just me and maybe I had a dh problem but perhaps not.

Lengokengo · 01/11/2023 16:06

Completely agree with all this! Also with it being related to being on the receiving end of criticism and also about being on high alert for other people’s needs. So insightful.

What has helped me is headphones/ podcasts and a puzzle book! Though I need more to help me stopping thinking ahead to all the domestic crap that needs doing, that I always do.

bunhead1979 · 01/11/2023 16:13

Hard relate on all of this. There was a thread a few weeks ago almost exactly the same too, there were lots of people on that one too!

I think it's the "on call" thing for me as well. And my dh is adhd and does do impulsive things and wants me to join him. I guess I should think its nice he wants to spend time with me, but no I don't want to go to B&Q at 9pm on a thurs even to buy a new doorbell. But also super irritating things like the other night stopped me in the middle of something to ask me if HE had been paid, like I have some kind of magic eye in to his bank account.

I can't get over how productive and enjoyable my pottering can be when he goes away for a weekend. The kids are about but are teens now and they might want the odd lift or meal cooked but it feels much more low maintenance these days.

Abracadabra12345 · 01/11/2023 16:15

starlightcan · 01/11/2023 15:51

@pelargoniums

It’s akin to the feeling of someone leaving the house at 9 and you can’t settle down with your book at 8.45 even though they’re fully occupied getting ready, because (a) the faffing and loo visits and key hunting and pocket patting and performance shoe putting on is distracting but also (b) you’re “on hold” til they’re really gone. Except that on hold feeling is ALL THE TIME.

OMG exactly 😂💯

That is so beautifully put

PlusOneTwoThree · 01/11/2023 16:17

I really thought there was something wrong with me … but here you all are! I’ve found my people!

nowtygaffer · 01/11/2023 16:29

I'm not sure whether to feel happy that I'm not the only one who feels like this or sad that this is the reality for so many of us!

Humanswarm · 01/11/2023 16:51

This is me, and if I'm honest, it's getting me down. Dp was away for 9 days recently and I was so motivated, work done, house clean and stayed clean, washing done, just felt soo good. He's back, I missed him, but I am so unmotivated, the house isn't as organised and I can't function properly with disorder but, I also don't know where to start! I thought it was just me so this is a relief in a way to read..

cassiatwenty · 01/11/2023 17:32

starlightcan · 01/11/2023 15:51

@pelargoniums

It’s akin to the feeling of someone leaving the house at 9 and you can’t settle down with your book at 8.45 even though they’re fully occupied getting ready, because (a) the faffing and loo visits and key hunting and pocket patting and performance shoe putting on is distracting but also (b) you’re “on hold” til they’re really gone. Except that on hold feeling is ALL THE TIME.

OMG exactly 😂💯

This

aloris · 01/11/2023 18:10

I'm on page one but I already agree, it's about being in readiness. If I'm in the middle of something and he interrupts me then I feel very irritable and I'm liable to snap at him. He hates that. So when he's at home, a large part of my effort goes towards keeping myself in a mindset of readiness to drop whatever I'm doing and interact with him.

It's partly that most of what I'm doing when I'm active at home is not super fun stuff. It's chores, cleaning, folding laundry etc, and if I'm alone then my attention is taken up with constantly evaluating how to get it done more efficiently so I can eke out some downtime at the end of the day, or even just get it all done before bedtime. So if he tries to talk to me when I'm folding laundry or running up to the upstairs bathroom to spray it with disinfectant, then it ruins my whole plan, because I forget the choreography that will allow me to get everything done in an efficient way. Then everything takes twice as long because if he distracts me with some news story or something, then I forget to put down the disinfectant in the bath until it's too late, which means I can't actually clean it today, because I won't have time to finish before I need to get the kids from school. That means I need to leave it till tomorrow, which means that I won't be able to do [fun thing] that I was hoping to do tomorrow because I'll be cleaning the bathtub. So although he doesn't understand why I get frustrated when he interrupts me, there is actually a reason behind it.

But my marriage needs me to not behave irritated when my husband talks to me so when he's at home I tend to use up a lot of my mental effort on being ready to respond politely if he wants to talk about the news or go for a walk or eat lunch together etcetera. And it doesn't leave a lot for getting housework done efficiently.

When I realised this was the cause of why I wasn't efficient when he was home, it actually helped a lot because I made sure to keep some chores in reserve that "don't mind" being done in bits and pieces. Wiping out dirt from kitchen cupboards, cleaning microwaves, and that sort of thing. So if he starts talking to me I'll clean the microwave while he talks, or sort a kitchen drawer, or clean a cupboard door or something, and then it's off my to-do list for later.

But I also generally lowered my standards a bit, as there isn't a perfect way to remediate the loss of efficiency of trying to get chores done when your mind is not really on your work. Things really are more efficient if, while you're going up the stairs, you're thinking, 'Ok, spray bathtub, bring down delicate laundry, take bedclothes off son's bed. Next trip, bring soap refills upstairs, take old bedclothes downstairs, get them into the wash before noon.' Once you lose that thought, it's never coming back in its fullness, if you know what I mean.

bunhead1979 · 01/11/2023 18:26

It's quite bonkers that we are all even trying to do CHORES FOR OUR HUSBANDS politely in a way that accommodates the husbands. I despair (of myself as well!).

Highlandsprocker · 01/11/2023 18:38

I just find that mine is always THERE.
in the kitchen , turn around and bam he's there like a large man shaped brick wall .
Baking he stands in the middle of the kitchen so I have to go around him.
Finally get stuff done and sit down with tea and my book.
He sits opposite and watches me.
FGS leave me alone !!

ThePoshUns · 01/11/2023 20:02

Beangrove · 01/11/2023 09:41

@Didsomeonesaydogs YES THIS!! "He would also yell for me to come help him with a task and I was never quick enough getting there so always had to be ready to drop everything and run."

DH will decide, for example, he's going to mow the lawns. Great I say, I'll be upstairs putting the hoover over / changing the beds / whatever. Can guarantee within 5 mins he'll be shouting up for me to either: find the garage keys / locate some poop bags / unlock the side gate, because he already has his gardening boots on and cant come back in. Then do I know where the trowel / weedkiller is. Then a bit later he'll call me to sweep up the grass that's got on the patio. Meaning that the things I wanted to do get interrupted. It's never the other way round!

Img this is so true!
I have 2 adult sons as well, so 3 men that can never find anything

ThePoshUns · 01/11/2023 20:09

Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 13:53

My DH has convos with me I really couldn’t care less about. He’ll interrupt what I’m doing to uhm and erm his way through something whilst rubbing his eyes like he’s been on an all-nighter and not actually looking at me when he’s talking to me. Meanwhile I’ve got my ‘get to the fucking point’ expression on my face whilst trying to sound like I care I really fucking don’t so I don’t come across as rude.
I feel like I’m every office colleague all at once and I’m now the substitute human contact for what would be a gossip round the water cooler. Just fuck off!!!

This made me laugh as all so true. I'm forever doing a ' wind up ' motion to get him to the point.
I'm sure my DH thinks I'm a human Alexa, he is forever asking me what the weather will be like, what time Aldi open etc; drive me insane

Primproperpenny · 01/11/2023 20:21

I have found my people! All so true! And likely to be caused by resentment at being the only one doing ‘stuff’. DP had a spell in hospital once - I had things running like clockwork, despite a demanding job, two toddlers and fitting in visiting him! There was only me responsible for everything house-wise and so I somehow didn’t mind. Equally - the constantly being interrupted!!! Love my days WFH ALONE - just peace and time to finish a few thoughts.

pelargoniums · 01/11/2023 20:39

But my marriage needs me to not behave irritated when my husband talks to me so when he's at home I tend to use up a lot of my mental effort on being ready to respond politely
Perhaps it’s my dreadful personality but I can’t respond politely when my doing things choreography is interrupted, I absolutely show my irritation! Unfortunately this also disrupts the choreography. So I find I’m anticipating my own annoyance at being potentially interrupted, and often this takes up so much energy I don’t bother doing the thing.

I wish I had a solution other than living in separate houses, because that would take a lottery win.

starlightcan · 01/11/2023 21:29

pelargoniums · 01/11/2023 20:39

But my marriage needs me to not behave irritated when my husband talks to me so when he's at home I tend to use up a lot of my mental effort on being ready to respond politely
Perhaps it’s my dreadful personality but I can’t respond politely when my doing things choreography is interrupted, I absolutely show my irritation! Unfortunately this also disrupts the choreography. So I find I’m anticipating my own annoyance at being potentially interrupted, and often this takes up so much energy I don’t bother doing the thing.

I wish I had a solution other than living in separate houses, because that would take a lottery win.

hahahaha this is me too 🤣🤣

starlightcan · 01/11/2023 21:32

Highlandsprocker · 01/11/2023 18:38

I just find that mine is always THERE.
in the kitchen , turn around and bam he's there like a large man shaped brick wall .
Baking he stands in the middle of the kitchen so I have to go around him.
Finally get stuff done and sit down with tea and my book.
He sits opposite and watches me.
FGS leave me alone !!

oh my god, the WATCHING. Why?!?!?!

The worst one is when I’m getting ready to go out, and he’s just standing, staring at me putting my makeup on. FGS, piss off would you..!!!!!

aloris · 01/11/2023 22:27

Beangrove · 01/11/2023 09:41

@Didsomeonesaydogs YES THIS!! "He would also yell for me to come help him with a task and I was never quick enough getting there so always had to be ready to drop everything and run."

DH will decide, for example, he's going to mow the lawns. Great I say, I'll be upstairs putting the hoover over / changing the beds / whatever. Can guarantee within 5 mins he'll be shouting up for me to either: find the garage keys / locate some poop bags / unlock the side gate, because he already has his gardening boots on and cant come back in. Then do I know where the trowel / weedkiller is. Then a bit later he'll call me to sweep up the grass that's got on the patio. Meaning that the things I wanted to do get interrupted. It's never the other way round!

My SIL calls this the job of "helping him be him." When you do a chore at home, if you forget to get the thingy before you put on your garden boots, you have to take your boots off, go look for your thingy, and then put your boots on again. But when he does it, you help him with all the little side parts of the task, so his task goes much faster, with less frustration, and he feels competent and productive. But whatever task you were doing, gets completely derailed because, just as it's inefficient for him to stop his task, take off his boots, go get the thingy (etcetera), it's the same for you with YOUR task. So your task that should have taken you 20 minutes, instead takes an hour and a half, because you have to keep stopping, again and again, to go "help him be him."

And there is a level of frustration with being constantly stopped in your work by someone else's sense of entitlement to your time, that can make your stress level so high that eventually you explode. At least, that's how it is for me. (I didn't want to clean the bathroom in the first place. I certainly don't want to spend 2 hours doing it because I was interrupted 7 times.) And of course exploding is the worst because he'll be all "I just asked if you knew where the key to the shed was, no need to get like that, geez!"

I do agree that it's a bit of a holdover from parenting small children. The recognition that overall it's not really worth it to get invested in getting work done, because the stress by the end of the day with having failed to accomplish your goals is so high that it feels worse than if you had never committed to those goals in the first place.

That might be too much psychoanalysis. I don't know....

tootsierubs · 01/11/2023 22:38

Yes! I feel like this too but thought it was just me being lazy. I was a single parent for over ten years and ran the house exactly as I liked it. Now my partner has moved in I have lost motivation and he makes me feel redundant. I can't get any time to myself either as he follows me everywhere! When he's out it's lovely to get my home back. Feel ungrateful though as he has done so much to help me with the house and he always helps out. I don't get a look in in the kitchen anymore, he's always in there pottering about and it drives me nuts.

Stagnationstation · 01/11/2023 22:59

someone else's sense of entitlement to your time,

Exactly this.
Also I’m not a morning person. I don’t do morning chat. It used to be he was up n away to work by 7.30am leaving me to get kids out to school and enjoy my breakfast and reading paper in peace. Now I have to time it so that he has moved out of the kitchen when I come into it. By the time I’m sitting about to drink my coffee he’ll have finished and want to chat, doing the eye rubbing thing again. Just shut up.

OP posts:
LittleBigBear · 01/11/2023 23:03

I think a lot of it’s “distraction”. I find it hard to think and focus - must be worse if someone’s always “there” 😆

When my adult son moved out after staying all summer, it was such a relief. I enjoyed some aspects of him being here, but also found it harder to focus on myself, my plans, organise stuff, and so forth. Perhaps a bigger home and more amenable personality might have helped !

Since he left I’ve taken back his small bedroom and am desperate to get it into “a room of my own”.

LizzieSiddal · 01/11/2023 23:03

By the time I’m sitting about to drink my coffee he’ll have finished and want to chat, doing the eye rubbing thing again.

Like you I’m not a morning person and dh most definitely is. I don’t mind the odd bit of chat but if he starts talking about anything in a detailed, long winded way, I just say “I’ve not woken up yet, can we have this conversation later”. It does work!

Primproperpenny · 01/11/2023 23:06

@aloris - that is an excellent summary of the situation!

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