In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

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Lovely name!

Same here too! When he's away I don't stop, yet when he's here I turn into Waynetta Slob....

Yes, exactly the same.
In my case I think it’s because our shared interest is watching telly, whereas my own individual interests are more craft-based. I feel a bit rude going off and doing them on my own while he’s around, so we end up just sitting around.

Me too 🙋🏻‍♀️

I don't relate though to pp two possibilities-my DH isn't critical, nor do I feel I need to tend to everyone's needs...I just seem to become lazy, unmotivated and sit and stew that I can't do anything as the house is full

There have been occasions where he's planned to be working in the office and I had a day off (kids in childcare) and I've been overflowing with ideas of all the jobs I was going to do-pressure wash the patio, deep clean the bathroom etc. But then he's unexpectedly working from home and it makes me FURIOUS! I end up doing nothing despite him working in one room of the house

For me, I have a 'thing' of surprising him with doing things and I can't understand it but I relish telling him I'm not doing anything, him going out and coming back to a big job being done that he wasn't expecting. No idea where this comes from

I wish I could get over it as it makes me so unproductive!

I'm the same and this is definitely it. I'm so productive when I'm in the house alone (rare..) but usually YA and teen demands - plus a grumpy DH - drain my energy and leave me unmotivated.

Yes, this is also me and I feel so lethargic and disengaged at home, and subsequently guilty then as I have DC, and the guilt just lowers the energy further. My only hope is to get out of the house but it's not the same and only increases my guilt as my husband never goes anywhere, really is a homebird, but doesn't love me being gone too much and leaving him carrying the load.

When my DC were younger I'd be up and out with them early much of the time as I didn't like hanging around the house but now they're older they don't want to go out so much on walks etc. I have a head full of what I need to do but I'm frozen and unable to do it. Knowing others are similar helps.

Me three 🙋‍♀️ I noticed that whenever by myself, I have a lot more energy and freedom to do things I like. However at some point I start missing people.

At the same time this is why I dislike Christmas that brings this weird sense if interntia where you're supposed to be with a lot of people yet nothing else is open on the outside.

It's a lot of balance needed to not feel overwhelmed by other people, and anxious and lonely when alone for too long.

I’m trying to strengthen my boundaries, pay less attention to what everyone else is up to.

it’s a kind of hyper vigilance from parenting, I think. Listening to see if your tweenie is in the sudocreme…

I’ve started putting the radio on, so I can tune them out while I exercise or cook or clean cupboards.

At the weekend, DH appeared when I was gardening and I sent him away. I didn’t want to supervise, instruct and think ahead. I wanted to just potter peacefully.

Yes I can't bear it when someone else is in the house I can't get on with anything!

Marking my place as I thought this was just me! If DH is out I can crack on with loads of stiff. If he's working from home and I have a day off I get barely anything done! It's been like this since I met him!

Man I do this too. Feels like there’s no point statting anything as DH will suddenly pop up and criticise/ interrupt it

Thanks for starting the thread op; I thought it was just me!
It’s not helped in my situation that we are both retired and DH is not interested in going out of the house. I sometimes feel like I spend days doing not much at all.

I'm daydreaming about a little house just for me....

This!!!!!! ^

For me, I have a 'thing' of surprising him with doing things and I can't understand it but I relish telling him I'm not doing anything, him going out and coming back to a big job being done that he wasn't expecting. No idea where this comes from

Also this ^

Yes, the second one for me! That's it!

Now we have a busy little dog, it's even worse 😂

I dream of a room of my own, large enough for all my books, a TV, a table set up with my sewing machine and my paints and a corner set up for me to do Pilates. Plus a chaise longe for me to lounge on

Am I expecting too much 😂

Me too. He crushes my spark and zaps my energy

This is an enormous club we didn't know we were members of.

Are there any men reading who feel the same? Unlikely?

Yes!! I feel a bit redundant perhaps?

That’s me as well! I’ve been trying to work out what the problem is and you’ve summed it up perfectly-thank you!

Thank you Stagnationstation.

Thank you for putting this into words. Since DH's retirement I feel my life is on hold.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️

I found it really tricky to get on with stuff while STBXH was around. I’ve come to the conclusion that it was because he would find fault in everything I did so my brain decided getting on with stuff wasn’t “safe”.

He would also yell for me to come help him with a task and I was never quick enough getting there so always had to be ready to drop everything and run.

I live alone now and it’s heavenly!

Its so helpful that we never met in person but can still talk to each other and help each other figure our own experiences and states. 💐

Wow! I never knew it was such a thing. This is really comforting to know