In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Yes this. And in my case, I’m filled with resentment at how little dh achieves overall and because I then feel it’s all on my I’m overwhelmed - and then feel like it’s pointless starting anything at all.

I totally am like this!

I thought it was just me !!

The thing is, I don't really want to live in different houses. I quite like him, when he's not interrupting my housework and making a mess of the kitchen counter that I just cleaned less than two minutes ago. I guess I just feel, during the day, the house belongs to me. And I know that's not true - it's just as much his home as mine. But if I'm going to be the one handling the management of the house, it just works better for me to be alone in it, just doing my thing. By myself. Playing my podcast on full volume while I tidy, or keeping my mumsnet page open so I can read it while I fold laundry, or swearing at maximum volume because why is there a moldy sandwich under my son's bed when he's not even supposed to have food in his room? or just standing in the kitchen staring into space with my mouth half-open while I work out whether I should try to clean behind the washing machine today.

When dh is talking utter shyte especially regarding work and work colleagues l have a go to response template:

Wow
Are you serious.
No way
You're joking.
Indeed.
Stop, so funny.
You're kidding me.
He/she didn't.

The delivery and tone is vert important, interested with a touch of concern.

.

I know exactly what you mean. I am the same. Get far more done when he’s out than when he’s at home. In fact I sometimes send him out (suggest nicely that he might like to go out) so I can get things done. For nearly 35 years I spent large tracts of time on my own in the house and it’s very difficult to get used to having someone around all the time. All I can suggest is you talk to him about it and see if you can come up with a solution together. DH and I are still working at it after 8 years of retirement.

Same. My retired husband doesn't get out of bed until he knows I've left the house. I know I'm not nice to be around first thing.

There is an actual greeting card which reads

"Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cupboard you need to open."

I know this because I bought it 😁

This is my husband too.
i’ve told him too many times that I don’t want to rattle through his weekly whereabouts and talk about the fine details of his work review at 6am in the morning.
I now just stare at him with no response. He gets the idea then to leave me alone! 😂

@aloris

That might be too much psychoanalysis. I don't know....

Nope. I think you nailed it. Perfectly.

When it's DH's turn to cook dinner, you can bet all your coconuts that at 5pm he'll say, 'What should I make for dinner?' If I respond with irritation that he's left it that late, or that he's even asking me instead of getting on with it, he gets hurt and indignant, "I didn't say I wasn't going to cook, I just asked what we should have!"

Drives me nuts. Like PPs, I too dream of a little house of my own.

I've been thinking about this. I my case it's with my teen children and I'm a single mother.
Wondering if we have a more porous sense of self... Is it a need for better personal boundaries internally, something that needs to be worked on. That means me constantly refocusing to put myself first, something I'm not used to after bringing up the kids.
I'd rather not have to deal with it as it's a big challenge. Hopefully it will lead to some growth.

Ohhhh, me too!
I’m dreading when he retires. He’s a mutterer too - self-narrates, uses my brain instead of thinking for himself or using Google.

And has a habit of just Sitting. Yes, I’ve capitalised that because it’s his thing. It drives me insane for some reason. I’ve been known to call DC for support while he is Sitting. He’s not on his phone, not watching TV - just Sitting. I don’t believe he is thinking either, while he’s doing it.

I think it’s all an attention seeking behaviour for him, all braincells need to be focused on him. The constant muttering pull my brain to him regardless of what I’m trying to do. Like this meme, but always. Urgh.

@Abracadabra12345
Can you remember where you got it from? I want to get it for DH it sums up my marriage perfectly.

“uses my brain instead of thinking for himself”

Nicking this

@Fairyliz Can you remember where you got it from? I want to get it for DH it sums up my marriage perfectly

Yes I got it from an RHS gift shop very recently

It sums up my marriage perfectly too 😁

Same here. Very interesting thread. Some really good ideas about why we feel like this. Thank you for starting it@Stagnationstation

Yes my DH does this and it’s 😑 – making totally unnecessary noises and utterances so that attention is drawn to him for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Just SHADDAP would ya 🤨

Omg @aloris

The recognition that overall it's not really worth it to get invested in getting work done, because the stress by the end of the day with having failed to accomplish your goals is so high that it feels worse than if you had never committed to those goals in the first place.

This. FML. I am sitting here at 10pm just thinking about getting started
My DH now works from home. He is a homebody and not many friends to go out for coffee with. My god he is just here all the bloody time

It must be a thing with married, or any couple for that matter. I am the same way. After years of this it finally occurred to me to let him do what he does. If he can clean better (this is a fact), cook better than me (this too, is a fact) etc. etc. Now I do my own thing while watching him work about.

That picture is a scream! 😂

Though I do feel your pain!

Just revisiting this after a week of not doing much. It occurred to me that before DH when I was single I was out every night of the week, at night school, hobbies and socialising. I guess this was the authentic me.
Last week I was actively out all Saturday, went to movies with DH on Sunday, Monday out all day, in at night, Tuesday together all day driving me nuts. Wednesday/Thursday I was out doing my own thing all day and also at night, Saturday out during day on own, Sunday out all day on own. I was ok, content enough.
So far this week, we’ve been together more and by today, I’m ready to explode.
I cannot be with one person this much.
Faced with another night of watching telly I went off to do some painting. I need to be out more but then I feel guilty if he’s home alone. Why!!!! He needs to get more hobbies that get him out the house. I shouldn’t feel guilty if he can’t. I’ve tried explaining that I can’t be with anyone 24/7. He’s kind of understanding that but I wish he’d be more pro-active doing stuff.
This doesn’t bode well

You really need to train yourself to not see his happiness, entertainment and companionship needs as being down to you to meet. I'm willing to bet its not reciprocal and he's not sitting there thinking I bet Stag wants to go out tonight, I feel guilty she's stuck in.
The answer is not to persuade him to take up hobbies, as that's just more of the same -you taking responsibility to make sure he's occupied.
The only way forward is to do what you want to do and keep reminding yourself that he's an adult who is able to do the same.
Retirement will be a long old slog if you fit your life around him all the time.

Completely sympathise (and empathise!) OP. Would he prefer it if you were at home more rather than out being active? Does he have plans to get involved in more stuff himself or is he happy with his routine as it is?

I have had a similarly frustrating week and feel ready to blow. It occurred to me this weekend that DP never makes plans for the weekend. Never ever. Never once have I known him get up on a Saturday and say – I was thinking of doing this, or right, there’s no way I’m sitting round here, let’s go and check out X. He might suggest a long walk with the dog in the morning to go and get coffee somewhere but that’s it. And in all honesty I’m sick of it, it makes ne miserable. He’ll often go along with things if I suggest them and push to make it happen, but the moment the pressure is off, he’s in his joggers sat at a computer either ‘working’ or playing computer games. I feel like I’m always trying to pull out from the gravitational pull of the nothingness, and often just run out of steam.

We are both self-employed and likewise in the house together all week.

Sorry, not intending to hijack your post but just so empathise! – what you’ve said so resonates.

OP I saw this quote somewhere and figured it was interesting:

"I take care of myself for you and you take care of yourself for me."