In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Thank you! I've also been scratching my head over this phenomenon, and the "always been on call for everyone else" thing fits rather well. I had that hypervigilance going on at work as well as at home for most of my adult life and I can see how it might fit with struggling to get on with anything when my DH is at home. It's not his fault at all, he's lovely and would be horrified to think his presence was restricting me in any way. I feel I've got sole responsibility for thinking of activities for both of us, and I can't just go out on my own to places that are just for me, like a garden centre or a museum, because he'll opt to come with me but I'll be aware that he's bored and would rather not be there.

I was only thinking about this a few weeks ago; how I buzz about doing things when DH not around but the minute he is home, I plonk down on the sofa with him and we barely move, other than to sort dinner. Just watching Netflix stuff.

I have little hobbies that I could be doing instead of watching TV but I don't do them because the 'big light' has to be switched on (due to my aging eyesight!!) so I don't do them. So instead, I bought myself a little light that I can attach to whatever I'm doing but I worry that it's a distraction so I don't bother with the hobbies at all now!

I did think it's because I'd been brought up to be a people pleaser so therefore if DH wants to sit on the sofa for 3 hours watching TV, then so must I. But this is a deep unconscious thought because when I spoke to DH about it and how I felt he said 'but you can do what you like, when you like. I don't mind what you do at all' (and this is 100% true; he really doesn't mind)...so why do I still not do my hobbies when I really want to?! It's just ridiculous!

Yes I get this too! I put it down to having a small house and him being a big bloke so taking up a lot of space. Plus he's a misery and can be an energy vampire.
But it seems like it's an actual thing!

Me too!

Can I recommend a pair of headphones and an audiobook/podcast?
helps me with motivation and concentration to get on with a job.

Most attempted interruptions can be dealt with by "uh huh", you only need to take an ear bud out if they keep talking or look serious

Same here. My sister also has this problem and her partner is a woman.

OMG, I have found my people!

I have always been like this with DH at home, and now the kids as they are getting older…

Could never quite put words on it, or figure out why… hubby will book things in on the weekend, normal stuff like a haircut or goes to the gym, whilst I feel like I just need to be available 24/7 in case anyone might need anything at any point! They don’t most of the time as both kids are tweens and becoming rather self sufficient. But I’m still just hanging about waiting, like I’m on call…

Seriously, how can this be fixed… It leaves me feeling shit at the end of the day as I didn’t do anything, just waiting around… 🙄

Big people pleaser here too, and think it is rooted in that somehow. That and being the default parent for over a decade…

Think PP have a point in the fact that when we are two responsible adults around, I don’t want to be the only one tidying, cooking, planning it all! I hold 100% of that responsibility during the weekdays. So will feel resentful if it all falls on me on the weekdays too… No, I don’t think that’s it, it is the fact that I feel like my plans should include everyone and I can get the kids on board with most things, but DH has worked hard all week and is often not up for much on the weekend, this has always been the case, so I’ve stoped suggesting stuff… And because I’ve always been the default parent I’ve also felt that I couldn’t leave during the weekend as I needed to be around for the kids, ergo; no time for myself apart from when he is at work and kids are in school… yep, pretty sure that is it…

Lordy, this so needs to change!

please please please come back and update if anyone finds a good way out of this! I will try to “just get on with things” even when they are all here and we will see how that goes.

I’m expecting DH will get in a bit of a grump about me going off and doing stuff, which will trigger my people pleasing and shove me straight back to where I was… wow… I have never seen this so clearly…

@yarnwitch Sad to report I have a reasonable size house, definitely enough space for us to be away from each other, and it's still A Thing. I'm hoping a clever mumsnetter psychologist type will come along and tell us why this is!

Laughing at energy vampire ....do we all live with EVs, is this the problem?!

There are so many things I recognise here, really useful and glad to know it's not just me. @Beangrove my DP does the same when he pops out - it can be 30 minutes or three hours. I never feel like I can do that I always have to say how long I'll be. Not that he asks, it's just an internal thing. I suppose because I always have to get back for pick ups or sort lunches/tea it's ingrained in my brain now. How crap!

Thank you for this - it is me too! I didn't know it was a real thing. I couldn't put my finger on it
DP works away a lot for long periods but when he's home i can't do anything. I'm capable when on my own of having everything done, shopping included and be in bed for 7:30 with ds if I wanted to

My DH has convos with me I really couldn’t care less about. He’ll interrupt what I’m doing to uhm and erm his way through something whilst rubbing his eyes like he’s been on an all-nighter and not actually looking at me when he’s talking to me. Meanwhile I’ve got my ‘get to the fucking point’ expression on my face whilst trying to sound like I care I really fucking don’t so I don’t come across as rude.
I feel like I’m every office colleague all at once and I’m now the substitute human contact for what would be a gossip round the water cooler. Just fuck off!!!

@Toastiemaker I don't even have DCs, but if I've, say, gone to the supermarket, or into town, I always have an internal clock ticking that says 'you've been out long enough now, time to go home', even if I'm having a nice time just mooching about. No idea why, half the time I get back and DH is napping / doing his hobby / watching footie, couldn't care less what time I get back! So weird. I wonder if it's some sort of primeval thing which used to serve some purpose that we have been left with

@Beangrove yes, me too. I consciously have to fight against this coz it doesn’t matter and DH isn’t bothered but it’s definitely there. I will go and plonk myself in a cafe to make a point to myself but it doesn’t shake the feeling. That only goes if I know DH isn’t there.
He’s away on a golfing holiday next year for a week and I actually can’t wait.

This is me too! My DH works from home alot of the time and I hate it. I find any reason to go out as I can't stand being here when he's home. I just find myself getting really cross with him for no reason other than the fact he's here, and I know it's irrational and mean, as it's his home too, and he's here, working hard, is very hands on, and great around the house. Our working patterns have both changed recently, I used to get a whole day to myself, whereas now, on my day off, he's here, and then on his days off, I'm at work, so I guess I'm resentful of the fact he regularly gets the house to himself, and I never do! I dread retirement as I feel it's become increasingly obvious that we aren't very compatible... I'm very sociable and he isn't, and I can see him relying on me for his "entertainment" once work isn't his main focus, and I already feel guilty about (rarely) going out as he never does. Like another poster said, I find it easier on the odd occasions he's away with work, I have all the motivation in the world, get so much done, the kids are sorted and organised, I cook better, clean better, and it seems easy, the house is so much more orderly. He definitely doesn't add to any mess, he's very tidy and hands on, it's just when he's here, I physically can't do anything other than the bare minimum which is why it always seems like a struggle to keep on top of things. When he's not here, I am like superwoman! I know it's an issue with me, not him, but I cannot seem to get my head around why it happens, why his presence makes me lose every last ounce of motivation.

I’m really beginning to think men and women shouldn’t ever live together.

Haha, yes. It’s funny because I read @Beangrove’s thing about her DH’s wishy washy plans meaning she couldn’t settle into an evening alone without the “will this get interrupted?” feeling, and recognised it, BUT AT THE SAME TIME if I’m going out in the evening I want to be wishy washy and can’t bear DP going, “are you coming straight home after the film? What’s the running time? Do you think you’ll get the bus? Should I leave a light on?” Piss off! Stop making me decide my evening in advance! I think on both sides – being the one at home wanting the house to yourself, or being the one going out wanting to play it by ear – cohabiting curtails your freedom to simply exist.

I was Getting On With Things just now – cooking dinner for tonight, making soup for the baby/freezer/to use things up, and DP inevitably wandered in going “have you had lunch? What did you have? What shall I have?” and now I feel inert again. Staring at the garden knowing things need cutting back but doing so would be like bat signal for him to come outside and tell me he must get a haircut. Stupid WFH! (I’ve always WFH since pre Covid so I feel it’s my territory, plus I go out more than DP so he has plenty of empty house time. I’m desperate for him to embrace office life and going out!)

I was thinking the same!

As soon as DH retired, we did a “Room of One’s Own” and built me a garden office, long before they became a wfh thing. It has all the things an earlier pp spoke about: desk, hobby things, tv, little white leather couch and cushions, with artwork on the walls. Of course I spend time in the house and I do love it when he’s out and can Get On, so I totally relate to what others are saying. I would love to know if men feel like this - I somehow suspect they don’t and I don’t know why.

Its taken time - years! - but we are comfortable about going out doing things separately and generally, having our own life

I go out more than DP so he has plenty of empty house time
This! And it’s very very common

Absolutely

When I retired, one of my concerns was making sure DH got enough home alone time. When I told him this, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. Why would he want me not to be in the house when he was at home?

Yep, another one here! It's so weird. None of the reasons suggested so far apply to me, I don't think. Dh isn't critical and I don't feel 'on call'.

Yes. I don't think it's a male thing from my own experience ( I'm sure there's exceptions)

I think this is quite possibly very very true.

I can so relate to this! Totally agree with the being on call aspect - especially with my daughter who is permanently glued to my side. I can't do a single thing without her following me around needing things so i never start anything.

My DH is a physically very big person and when he's here he's always in the kitchen making a mess, draping laundry over doors and just generally everywhere at once. We don't get on that well so i feel hyper aware of his whereabouts and kind of awkwardly dodging him. It's like outside of his working hours it's his house and I'm just waiting until it's my turn again when he's back at work.

hahaha I thought my DH was just singularly prone to inane, vacuous comments and observations 🤣🤣🤣

He’ll just sort of constantly empty his head of all the mundane shit rattling around in there, repeatedly listing groceries he’s going to buy, asking me umpteen times if y is ok for dinner tomo, describing in unnecessary detail a job he will do in nine months time.