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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, son being abused

196 replies

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:20

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

OP posts:
Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 23:22

What did she do

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/10/2023 23:25

What's happening, what is she doing?

SiblingFights · 31/10/2023 23:26

If it's your house, surely you can just tell her to leave? Is that too simplistic? You've not given a lot of context to help people answer.

girlyjim · 31/10/2023 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:30

For months she’s been extremely jealous and paranoid, accusing him of cheating or various other things. She starts huge arguments and calls him names. She threatens to kill herself often. She self harms and threatens to do it more if he ever talks about ending things. She humiliates him.

A couple of days ago she hit him, he told me while crying his eyes out. When I said I’m calling the police he went absolutely frantic saying it will 100% make things worse and put him in more danger. She’s not from where we live and has no family or friends and has no one back home who really cares, she doesn’t see her parents at all. She has severe mental health issues. I wanted to help her and thought I was being kind letting her live here but it’s been so traumatic.

Should I call the police maybe tomorrow and tell them about the situation? She’s told him if he ever leaves her she will kill him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have never ever posted about this before!

OP posts:
Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 23:32

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:30

For months she’s been extremely jealous and paranoid, accusing him of cheating or various other things. She starts huge arguments and calls him names. She threatens to kill herself often. She self harms and threatens to do it more if he ever talks about ending things. She humiliates him.

A couple of days ago she hit him, he told me while crying his eyes out. When I said I’m calling the police he went absolutely frantic saying it will 100% make things worse and put him in more danger. She’s not from where we live and has no family or friends and has no one back home who really cares, she doesn’t see her parents at all. She has severe mental health issues. I wanted to help her and thought I was being kind letting her live here but it’s been so traumatic.

Should I call the police maybe tomorrow and tell them about the situation? She’s told him if he ever leaves her she will kill him.

She must have other mental health issues that your son couldn’t possibly help with but she doesn’t realise that
hint at her getting mental health support

Ladyj84 · 31/10/2023 23:35

Sorry but son or no son she wouldn't be welcome in our house with this behaviour coming to light. You allowing her to stay knowing what's going on are now condoning it

cardiganboo · 31/10/2023 23:36

Phone the police! Fucksake! Your son needs to go on record with this to the police or something. Situations like this don't tend to just resolve themselves. Try your hardest to get shot of her and get your son support x

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:38

I’ve been asking for months about her getting mental health support, it’s a mixture of it not being easily available and her not going the extra mile to fight for it.

Yes I feel I’m condoning it now, the problem is she’s made it very clear to him that he is not to tell me about any of this. So if I call the police on her or kick her out she’ll know he’s told me and that could be bad for him. I’m trying to protect him.

Also, he feels very much responsible for her and is so scared what will happen to her which is crazy yes, but this is what abusive relationships can look like. A person can be hurting us but we still want them to be ok. I personally don’t care anymore, but he really does.

OP posts:
ladeluge · 31/10/2023 23:38

Eviction and non molestation/exclusion order immediately. Call police if any issues. That's a start. Her circumstances are not your problem to solve, the safety of your son is paramount.

Jewelspun · 31/10/2023 23:40

Tell him that you wont allow this to happen under your roof and you're booting her out.

If he wants to run after her that's down to him.

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 23:40

if she does anything it isn’t because of him, she could do something now if she wanted to, but she has mental health issues, there are actually a lot of self help articles, and the help through the NHS just directs you to the articles anyway

cardiganboo · 31/10/2023 23:42

She hit your son and is emotionally blackmailing him. Get a grip worrying about her! Your sons crying? Help him.

stomachcramps · 31/10/2023 23:46

Cobble some cash together for a deposit for a house share and boot the abusive mare out.
Refuse to feel even a tiny bit guilty as you are protecting your child.
He will be upset - But, the old adage: sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:47

Ok I feel guilty enough, it’s hard when you’re terrified of someone and what they might do. I’m going to the police tomorrow to report this. If I kick her out right now she will take her two dogs and be on the street, I feel bad for them and don’t want them to be in any danger as well.

The person who said I need to get a grip worrying about her - where did I say I was worrying about her?

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 31/10/2023 23:49

I'd have the police there weeks ago if someone threatened to kill my child.

ExTheCheater · 31/10/2023 23:51

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:47

Ok I feel guilty enough, it’s hard when you’re terrified of someone and what they might do. I’m going to the police tomorrow to report this. If I kick her out right now she will take her two dogs and be on the street, I feel bad for them and don’t want them to be in any danger as well.

The person who said I need to get a grip worrying about her - where did I say I was worrying about her?

Well you are putting her and her dogs needs higher than they should be. Get her out.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 23:51

She needs to go op

You hold the power in This as it's your home

I'd ask her to leave with immediate effect. Or if you want to be really nice give her 48 hours . She can present as homeless to council . She isn't your problem. Protecting your son is .

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:52

Ok thanks for the advice, I appreciate it a lot.

OP posts:
stomachcramps · 31/10/2023 23:53

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:47

Ok I feel guilty enough, it’s hard when you’re terrified of someone and what they might do. I’m going to the police tomorrow to report this. If I kick her out right now she will take her two dogs and be on the street, I feel bad for them and don’t want them to be in any danger as well.

The person who said I need to get a grip worrying about her - where did I say I was worrying about her?

Two dogs???
This just gets worse.
This is an unbelievable situation - Just boot her and her smelly mutts out.
Your son needs saving from himself.
You don't even need to say that he's said anything. Just say that it isn't working for you - her and her two dogs living in your home.
Give her a week, or even two, if feeling particularly generous, to move out.
Go on Rightmove or wherever and help her find somewhere.
How old is she, what are her circumstances work wise? How did they come to be living with you and what's your house like etc?
I feel like we are missing a good chunk of information needed to give you an informed answer, OP.

Flyingalone · 31/10/2023 23:59

LOLLL

'She must have other mental health issues that your son couldn’t possibly help with but she doesn’t realise that
hint at her getting mental health support'

'My husband hits me!' 'He might have MH issues, hint at him getting support'

WTF @Fuckeditup1

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 01/11/2023 00:00

Does she leave the house? If so, lock her out! She can’t get anywhere near him to go ballistic on him, then!

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 01/11/2023 00:00

Either way, please the NCDV and get some advice

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 01/11/2023 00:01

@stomachcramps Smelly mutts? Have you met many dogs?! They only smell if they're neglected or very dirty! Strange thing to say. Very strange