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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, son being abused

196 replies

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:20

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

OP posts:
Fuckeditup1 · 01/11/2023 00:02

Flyingalone · 31/10/2023 23:59

LOLLL

'She must have other mental health issues that your son couldn’t possibly help with but she doesn’t realise that
hint at her getting mental health support'

'My husband hits me!' 'He might have MH issues, hint at him getting support'

WTF @Fuckeditup1

stop talking to me with disrespect
I didn’t say it wasn’t wrong, or that the son should put up with it
but at the root of it all the girlfriend has mental health issues and the son can’t actually help with that, the girlfriend doesn’t realise it though
And you must have problems yourself

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:04

stomachcramps · 31/10/2023 23:53

Two dogs???
This just gets worse.
This is an unbelievable situation - Just boot her and her smelly mutts out.
Your son needs saving from himself.
You don't even need to say that he's said anything. Just say that it isn't working for you - her and her two dogs living in your home.
Give her a week, or even two, if feeling particularly generous, to move out.
Go on Rightmove or wherever and help her find somewhere.
How old is she, what are her circumstances work wise? How did they come to be living with you and what's your house like etc?
I feel like we are missing a good chunk of information needed to give you an informed answer, OP.

Show quote history

Thanks for this reply, I know it sounds vague and it’s because I’m being cautious to protect anonymity and too many details.

She’s the same age as him, 22 and she doesn’t work due to severe anxiety plus other mental health issues. They’ve been friends on and off for a couple of years since meeting through mutual friends, but as I said she’s not originally from here and has no family that she’s close to.

She and my son started dating and she was spending a lot of time here so he asked me if she and the dogs could move in and I stupidly said yes. Things weren’t like this in the early days but they never are. It’s just me and my husband here now, our daughter lives with friends and goes to uni.

My son is a people pleaser, he genuinely feels responsible for this girl and as she self harms a lot, he’s worried sick she’ll do something to herself. He’s also very scared she’ll do something to him and so am I. She really doesn’t have anything to lose so there’s a high chance she would hurt him as she’s extremely possessive and jealous.

I’m in such a state about this, the only reason I’m not kicking her out right now is the time and the fact that my son has begged me not to and said he needs to feel he can trust me. I had promised to just listen and not react when he said he needed to talk.

OP posts:
AbbeyGailsParty · 01/11/2023 00:04

It’s impossible to gauge how severe her mental health problems are but as she has shown violence and threatened to kill herself and your son I wouldn’t give her days or weeks notice to leave. That gives her time to develop anger and resentment —- dangerous.
Go to the police tomorrow. Explain as calmly as you can the threats she has made, the assault on your son and your genuine concerns for your and his safety. Say you want her removed from the house tomorrow.
I don’t know how to obtain non molestation/ restraining orders but no doubt the police will advise you.
Change the locks, add more security to your doors and if she shows up call 999 immediately, don’t answer the door.
It’s possible that if she kicks off when the police are there they may get her sectioned ( can’t remember the exact process, a section 36?, they effectively arrest her for her own safety and call MH team in) I would call a rescue centre if this happens to take the dogs as that gives her less cause to ever contact you again.
Good luck, I hope it’s resolved quickly.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:05

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 01/11/2023 00:01

@stomachcramps Smelly mutts? Have you met many dogs?! They only smell if they're neglected or very dirty! Strange thing to say. Very strange

I was going to say, the dogs are beautiful and innocent and don’t smell at all. I want them to be loved and cared for and am happy to keep them here but I don’t think legally I can do that.

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 01/11/2023 00:08

Tell your son that he's not helping her, and can't help her, by allowing her to terrorise your household. He is not responsible for her behaviour. He can get help from NCDV or Respect

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:08

AbbeyGailsParty · 01/11/2023 00:04

It’s impossible to gauge how severe her mental health problems are but as she has shown violence and threatened to kill herself and your son I wouldn’t give her days or weeks notice to leave. That gives her time to develop anger and resentment —- dangerous.
Go to the police tomorrow. Explain as calmly as you can the threats she has made, the assault on your son and your genuine concerns for your and his safety. Say you want her removed from the house tomorrow.
I don’t know how to obtain non molestation/ restraining orders but no doubt the police will advise you.
Change the locks, add more security to your doors and if she shows up call 999 immediately, don’t answer the door.
It’s possible that if she kicks off when the police are there they may get her sectioned ( can’t remember the exact process, a section 36?, they effectively arrest her for her own safety and call MH team in) I would call a rescue centre if this happens to take the dogs as that gives her less cause to ever contact you again.
Good luck, I hope it’s resolved quickly.

Thanks very much I appreciate this a lot. This is really good practical advice which I’m in desperate need of.
What about if my son gets angry with me, which he will do? As he’s asked me to let him handle this and to not interfere, and has said he’ll be so upset with me if I get the police involved.

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 01/11/2023 00:10

You can either stay quiet and quietly watch your son crumble until she destroys him and possibly follows through and kills him or you can end it. He will be sad and he will likely be angry at you but one day he will definitely thank you for protecting him. No doubt about it. She will cause chaos more than likely so be completely honest with the police. I really don't think you can just listen to your son going through this and do nothing. You would never forgive yourself if she does do something to him. Don't enable it. I really do hope he's OK and can get past this.

Canisaysomething · 01/11/2023 00:11

Book a holiday with your son for a week and get the locks changed before you go. She’ll get the hint after a few days.

Canisaysomething · 01/11/2023 00:13

He doesn’t want you involved because he’s scared. You need to step up and be the adult here, take control of the situation and do it quickly.

Hollydays · 01/11/2023 00:13

You need to be clear that that the woman and her dogs need to go. And your son if that's what it takes but let him know he always has a home with you.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:15

ExTheCheater · 01/11/2023 00:10

You can either stay quiet and quietly watch your son crumble until she destroys him and possibly follows through and kills him or you can end it. He will be sad and he will likely be angry at you but one day he will definitely thank you for protecting him. No doubt about it. She will cause chaos more than likely so be completely honest with the police. I really don't think you can just listen to your son going through this and do nothing. You would never forgive yourself if she does do something to him. Don't enable it. I really do hope he's OK and can get past this.

Yes, she will cause absolute chaos I’ve got no doubt about that. Thank you for your kind words, I’m so distraught but can’t just ignore this now. I’ve kept quiet for months after seeing the distress she’s put him through and am angry about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:16

Canisaysomething · 01/11/2023 00:11

Book a holiday with your son for a week and get the locks changed before you go. She’ll get the hint after a few days.

I tried to suggest this, I said let’s just go away me and you and I’ll look after you. I said I’ll even move out temporarily somewhere with him while this settles but he won’t hear of it.

OP posts:
Timeflieswhenyourehavingfun · 01/11/2023 00:19

What about if my son gets angry with me, which he will do? As he’s asked me to let him handle this and to not interfere, and has said he’ll be so upset with me if I get the police involved.

You tell him that whilst you understand you are breaking his trust you cannot allow this woman to live in your home abusing your son. What parent would ?

This is the shitty part of parenting, we piss our kids off but for the most part it’s for good reason.

Avatartar · 01/11/2023 00:20

Forget the dogs- if they are as lovely as you say, they’ll easily be re-homed. Sit down with your son and tell him he can trust you and that extends to trusting you to do the right thing in protecting him, which in this case is going against his wishes. By getting the police involved, it will in turn lead to her getting the help she needs. No one is doing anyone any favours in the current situation- the police is a step in the right direction for all

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 00:27

Yes go to the police and also contact women’s aid - they will tell you of other organisations that can help him and give you advice. Don’t tell him anything or her, leave the house tommorow. Call these people and go into the police station. Press that you feel unsafe, your son is unsafe, and credible threats have been made about violence and self harm. You can talk through when this is best to happen and the police/abuse charity can advise you whether to say anything to your son or not.

Don’t get into any of there ‘where will she go, how will my son react, where will the dogs react’. Act on the immediate danger, talk with the police and a mens abuse charity about how to safely for you and your son get her out of the house - the professional agencies will support her - but what you need to do is make sure you are able to pass on to your son when it happens what is best for him to do.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:31

Avatartar · 01/11/2023 00:20

Forget the dogs- if they are as lovely as you say, they’ll easily be re-homed. Sit down with your son and tell him he can trust you and that extends to trusting you to do the right thing in protecting him, which in this case is going against his wishes. By getting the police involved, it will in turn lead to her getting the help she needs. No one is doing anyone any favours in the current situation- the police is a step in the right direction for all

This and the reply before are what I needed to here. This has happened a few times throughout his life, he’s told me something, I’ve known what the right thing to do is, but because he’s wanted to handle it himself I’ve backed off and gone against my instincts.

This is a time where I have to intervene for his safety. I’m willing to be hated by him if it means he’s alive and well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:33

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 00:27

Yes go to the police and also contact women’s aid - they will tell you of other organisations that can help him and give you advice. Don’t tell him anything or her, leave the house tommorow. Call these people and go into the police station. Press that you feel unsafe, your son is unsafe, and credible threats have been made about violence and self harm. You can talk through when this is best to happen and the police/abuse charity can advise you whether to say anything to your son or not.

Don’t get into any of there ‘where will she go, how will my son react, where will the dogs react’. Act on the immediate danger, talk with the police and a mens abuse charity about how to safely for you and your son get her out of the house - the professional agencies will support her - but what you need to do is make sure you are able to pass on to your son when it happens what is best for him to do.

Such a good reply, thank you so so much for this. I’m honestly so grateful, I’ve been in a complete state about this and just desperate for any kind of advice. All my family say is “Kick her out”, which is good advice but with zero nuance or recognition of the danger we face here.

Happy for her to get support she needs as well, that is essential in protecting others from her.

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 01/11/2023 00:34

Christ, I’d be so mad. It would take all my strength not to drag her down the stairs by her hair and chuck her out the front door.

I would opt for humiliation and make her sit down and explain that you know she’s used violence against your son and that she’s using emotional blackmail to stop him from speaking up. You will not tolerate this behaviour and therefore you want her to leave. She can either leave by 4pm that day or you will be contacting the police to file an assault charge.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 00:46

Nosleepforthismum · 01/11/2023 00:34

Christ, I’d be so mad. It would take all my strength not to drag her down the stairs by her hair and chuck her out the front door.

I would opt for humiliation and make her sit down and explain that you know she’s used violence against your son and that she’s using emotional blackmail to stop him from speaking up. You will not tolerate this behaviour and therefore you want her to leave. She can either leave by 4pm that day or you will be contacting the police to file an assault charge.

This is what I wanted to do, believe me my gut reaction is to go crazy on her for hurting him. How dare she!!! She will just find a way to take it out on him though so I’m trying to be calm and do what’s safest.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 00:53

If it helps @Genelle1976 I do have another thread where I expressed my concerns to my own DS of a similar age about a GF, she isn’t unsafe or abusive (I think!) but she followed him on his year abroad with Uni, without a job, without him wanting this ‘she just happened to be in the same city apparently’.

My DS was angry with me for merely just nicely expressing concern. But I’d do it again. He ruined his year abroad to be honest. I think this is an occasion where I’d be prepared to be hated for a bit - but I don’t think he will. He might freak out, and there will be a bit of messy kick back. But alerting professionals will throw a really cold hard light and even your DS will take in that the police take it seriously. So this won’t be just you, your word. It will massively help him for the rest of his life, if he doesn’t recognise this for what it is, he might be often in these kinds of relationships.

Good luck.

maratara · 01/11/2023 00:53

Have been in a very similar situation. Sorry to tell you it took years before he was finally free of her. Almost ruined our family. PM me if you want. I may be able to help but not in UK so not sure of your laws.

Petallove · 01/11/2023 01:04

I wouldn’t call the police yet. I would try and persuade him to go with you to the station. He is scared. They will have a plan of action. It may be better if he goes away for a bit. I’m case she causes him more hassle.

Dery · 01/11/2023 01:04

Very wise advice above. When talking to your son, maybe you can frame it that neither he nor you are equipped to handle the situation and that it must be handled by people who are expert in this such as DV charities and the police. And in fact that is the only way she will get the help she needs - if professional agencies are involved. She sounds very dangerous so you do need her out.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:07

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 00:53

If it helps @Genelle1976 I do have another thread where I expressed my concerns to my own DS of a similar age about a GF, she isn’t unsafe or abusive (I think!) but she followed him on his year abroad with Uni, without a job, without him wanting this ‘she just happened to be in the same city apparently’.

My DS was angry with me for merely just nicely expressing concern. But I’d do it again. He ruined his year abroad to be honest. I think this is an occasion where I’d be prepared to be hated for a bit - but I don’t think he will. He might freak out, and there will be a bit of messy kick back. But alerting professionals will throw a really cold hard light and even your DS will take in that the police take it seriously. So this won’t be just you, your word. It will massively help him for the rest of his life, if he doesn’t recognise this for what it is, he might be often in these kinds of relationships.

Good luck.

So sorry for what your son went through, sounds like such a nightmare and I don’t know why some people act like this - male or female. It’s absolutely unhinged behaviour and truly frightens me. Hope your son is ok now.

That’s such a good point about the fact that the police taking it seriously might help him to take it seriously also, I really do get the sense that he’s downplaying it in his head and thinking that she’s just emotional or a bit erratic, or that she can’t help it. Maybe a reality check is needed, to show that you can’t just go around assaulting people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:08

maratara · 01/11/2023 00:53

Have been in a very similar situation. Sorry to tell you it took years before he was finally free of her. Almost ruined our family. PM me if you want. I may be able to help but not in UK so not sure of your laws.

Oh no really? So sorry to hear this 😩 I will pm you, thanks for offering I appreciate it.

OP posts: