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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, son being abused

196 replies

Genelle1976 · 31/10/2023 23:20

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:09

Petallove · 01/11/2023 01:04

I wouldn’t call the police yet. I would try and persuade him to go with you to the station. He is scared. They will have a plan of action. It may be better if he goes away for a bit. I’m case she causes him more hassle.

I tried this earlier but he said no way, he in fact started getting really worked up and panicky as soon as I mentioned the police. I think he’s terrified of getting her in trouble and feels this will cause more danger in the long run. I do agree though, they’ll be able to have a plan for him. Not even sure if they’ll take my word for it if I tell them everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:11

Dery · 01/11/2023 01:04

Very wise advice above. When talking to your son, maybe you can frame it that neither he nor you are equipped to handle the situation and that it must be handled by people who are expert in this such as DV charities and the police. And in fact that is the only way she will get the help she needs - if professional agencies are involved. She sounds very dangerous so you do need her out.

That’s really helpful, thank you. He feels like he knows her best, which is true, and that therefore only he knows the best way to handle her. He’s absolutely convinced that involving outside authorities is going to make her very angry and she’ll be even more dangerous, so this is extremely difficult.

OP posts:
Timeflieswhenyourehavingfun · 01/11/2023 01:15

Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:11

That’s really helpful, thank you. He feels like he knows her best, which is true, and that therefore only he knows the best way to handle her. He’s absolutely convinced that involving outside authorities is going to make her very angry and she’ll be even more dangerous, so this is extremely difficult.

Show quote history

If he really does care for her then he would see that she needs professionally help.
I appreciate he can’t see the wood for the trees so you have to convince him that he is not equipped to deal with this and is only making the situation worse for them both and his family.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 01:28

Timeflieswhenyourehavingfun · 01/11/2023 01:15

If he really does care for her then he would see that she needs professionally help.
I appreciate he can’t see the wood for the trees so you have to convince him that he is not equipped to deal with this and is only making the situation worse for them both and his family.

Edited
Show quote history

True yes, I think he must know that deep down, it’s just a case of him not wanting to make her more angry than she already is. As then he feels like he’s in danger. He was so upset earlier, apologising to me for bringing her into our lives, it was very sad to see.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 01:43

It’s good that he hasn’t cut himself off from you though, and he knows it’s bad even if he’s scared of going to a professional. I like the advice on saying that neither of you are equipped to ‘help her’ so it’s framed as the best thing for her future wellbeing.

salsmum · 01/11/2023 01:51

ManKind initiative runs a helpline for male victims of domestic violence please get advice and help now.

Original poster
Genelle1976 · 01/11/2023 02:00

salsmum · 01/11/2023 01:51

ManKind initiative runs a helpline for male victims of domestic violence please get advice and help now.

I have actually tried them before, about a month ago and couldn’t get through. Will try again though, I did ask my son earlier about speaking to a male domestic abuse service and he said no, that he wants to handle it all himself. And that he only wanted to talk to me so I knew what was going on.

I think I’ll go the route others have mentioned and say that neither of us are able to handle this, so the best way to help her is to get professionals involved.

It’s very strange, he is highly intelligent and intuitive, he has the best advice for others and is actually very sensible, but over the months it’s like I’ve seen him become brainwashed by her. His logic and rationale goes out the window when talking about her, it makes me think of Stockholm syndrome. I know this is normal in abusive relationships, it’s just very hard to witness. It’s actually heartbreaking, he’s a shadow of who he used to be.

OP posts:
salsmum · 01/11/2023 02:01

Just to mention have you seen any bruises on him?
Is he wearing long sleeves to hide any marks that you know? Maybe you should watch with him the documentary about the man abused and almost died at the hands of his girlfriend.

Feraldogmum · 01/11/2023 02:22

I'm afraid like so many women who stay with abusers , he is still emotionally connected to her. If he wanted the relationship over he would take steps to do this, this is more than being afraid. He knows what he can and should do ,what help is available but chooses not to act. You have to be prepared for the possibility that if she goes,he joins her. You need to be asking if he still loves her , does he want to be with her or is it just guilt or fear. You need to explain to him that it's for her own good that she gets help and speak to the police social services etc, she needs sectioning and he needs to take out some sort of restraining order.

Feraldogmum · 01/11/2023 02:22

I'm afraid like so many women who stay with abusers , he is still emotionally connected to her. If he wanted the relationship over he would take steps to do this, this is more than being afraid. He knows what he can and should do ,what help is available but chooses not to act. You have to be prepared for the possibility that if she goes,he joins her. You need to be asking if he still loves her , does he want to be with her or is it just guilt or fear. You need to explain to him that it's for her own good that she gets help and speak to the police social services etc, she needs sectioning and he needs to take out some sort of restraining order.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 01/11/2023 02:39

I'm wondering why this woman has moved away from her family? Was she abused by them or by someone near them?
Does she possibly have something like Schizophrenia or Bi Polar?
Whatever her past was like, or what she may be suffering from now, you need to put some distance between her and your son, before she does something to him that is irreversible!!
Definitely go to the police ASAP and have her removed from your home. You and your DH are also at risk from her!!
Tell your son he deserves better treatment from a GF. He will realise this in the future, even if he doesn't now!
As well as physically abusing your DS she is mentally abusing him and mentally blackmailing him, and things will only get worse for him if you don't step in now!!!
Ask him what he'd have done if it was you or his sister in a similar relationship? I bet he wouldn't back off just because you thought it would make things worse. It might do, in the short run, but ut might also save his life and his sanity!!!
If police say there is nowhere for her, she can be taken to a hostel or hospital, back to where she lived before or to one of their mutual friends!!
Best of luck to you and your family, @Genelle1976 .

WildFlowerBees · 01/11/2023 03:30

Abusers rely on manipulation to prevent victims speaking out. Speak up, advocate for your son. He needs to speak to someone. This will never get better and she needs to leave. Call the police and tell them everything it's on record then should anything happen once she's left.

It's hard but he can do it and so can you.

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 03:38

I would go about things differently. Your son’s bravery to tell you and open up is paramount here.

I would agree with my son that she moves out with immediate effect as this was only ever a temporary arrangement in the first place.
I would offer to pay for a b&b that accepts dogs for a few weeks whilst she finds her own place. I would encourage her to go to the GP to get some proper mental health support in place. I might even take her there myself. She sounds extremely damaged and ill.

If she objects to leaving tomorrow then you can be firmer and explain you can mot accommodate her any longer, call the police if you have to. Do not tell her you know about the abuse. Do not bring it up. This is important.

Once she is out, your son can inform her that he is taking a break from the relationship. Change the locks. Passwords. He blocks her on every platform. Lock down your house and make sure someone stays with your son for the next few weeks. She is likely to return to try and speak to him. You warn her about that the police will arrest her. You can apply for a restraining order at this point if you need one.

I would take some leave from work and support my son, in the weeks that follow she may attempt suicide - this is not something either of you should be drawn into - he will need a lot of support to stay strong. Get some counselling for him.

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 03:42

I personally think you need to tread carefully to avoid alienating your son.

urooj366 · 01/11/2023 06:20

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WonderfulKnickerz · 01/11/2023 06:38

At the end of the day this is your house and you do not tolerate abusive or awful behaviour in it. You want her out immediately. It’s not your sons choice wether she can stay in your house or not. Yes go to the police, explain the situation and that you will ask her to leave but fully expect a big backlash.

you should have called the police when she hit him and got the police to remove her from the house then. It still can be done now.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 01/11/2023 06:56

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 03:42

I personally think you need to tread carefully to avoid alienating your son.

I agree.

My biggest concern would be that if you kick her out, she’s going to make him go with her and then once he’s out of your house things will be much worse to control.

The fact that he doesn’t want her getting in trouble shows that if she says she can’t cope living alone, he’ll feel bad for her.

I would speak to menkind and the police and ask for their advice and then take it from there.

When she moved in was it a temporary or permanent thing?

It’s so important for anyone reading this to realise that having a boyfriend/girlfriend move into the family home is such a bad choice.
The family home should always be the safe space if ever your child needs it.

FlamingoQueen · 01/11/2023 06:57

Don’t be afraid to ‘upset’ her, of course she’s insisted that your son tells no one - that’s what abusers do. It’s all their secret. She would be mortified if you knew.
I would go the police, if nothing else happens it will be on their records, but please go. If it were your son abusing her, she wouldn’t hesitate to call the police!

LizzieSiddal · 01/11/2023 07:08

Have you heard her say she’s going to harm your son? If so I would have no hesitation in going to the police this morning, explaining the situation, and asking for their advice.

At the minimum they should take her in for questioning, as a threat to kill is extremely serious. At least she will be on their radar and it may stop her actually doing anything to your son.

mummyof2tobe · 01/11/2023 07:11

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 23:40

if she does anything it isn’t because of him, she could do something now if she wanted to, but she has mental health issues, there are actually a lot of self help articles, and the help through the NHS just directs you to the articles anyway

If there was a woman on here talking about her husband abusing her there's no way that people would be saying he needs mental health support. Hmm

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 01/11/2023 07:16

If your husband is a reasonable man, tell him! He has a right to know what is going on in his home and at least you are sharing the burden (obviously if he is hot headed then don’t, it will probably make things worse).

I’m trying so hard to think what I would do if it was my son in this situation. I think I would go to the police, notify them what has been going on, son scared, threats to him and herself and that you want to ask her to leave and ask their advice. Maybe they would recommend them being there, maybe not, I don’t know but at least they will then be aware if she kicks off.

As far as I see it the worst thing that could happen is that my son would leave with her. He may be crying out for you to deal with this for him but is afraid to ask, or he may be angry that you’ve broken his confidence. Honestly in this situation I would lie and say “your dad caught me crying and I told him everything and he is insisting that she leaves”. Your DH can’t be unaware of the situation to some degree? I hope faced with both his parents concern he would agree to accepting some help?

practically, I would get your son to take her out for lunch and pack up all of her stuff. When they return don’t let her in, tell her she is leaving and that you have booked her into a Travelodge or give her £500 and tell her to go, that you cannot take the atmosphere in your home created by her and she is no longer welcome. Tell her you have advice from the police and if she doesn’t leave quietly and leave you all alone they will be notified. If possible keep your son in the house and away from her. I have sympathy if she has mental health problems but you can’t let her destroy your son or your home in the process.

And unless she is a good and responsible dog owner, pays for their food, takes them for walks and to the vet, I would keep them too.

I don’t know if this is good advice but honestly I was trying to put myself in your shoes and I’m bloody furious and frightened for you . Good luck x

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 07:22

Sadly unless your son wants to seek support there's not much you can do, if you call the police he will leave with her...youre in a difficult place.
Tell him confidentially these orgs will listen and support:
men can call Men's Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 (Monday to Friday 10am to 8pm), or visit the webchat at Men's Advice Line (Wednesday 10am to 11.30am and 2.30pm to 4pm) for non-judgemental information and support. men can also call ManKind on 0182 3334 244 (Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm).
Also its best to report the abuse to police as that is a record of the abuse... its best for son to do that, the police can just record it rather than act atm. But....if its severe they will act anyway.

HoppingPavlova · 01/11/2023 07:24

So if I call the police on her or kick her out she’ll know he’s told me and that could be bad for him. I’m trying to protect him

What on earth could be bad for him? What are you protecting him from? Can you see this makes no sense. There is no downside as he will be free of her surely, you kick her out and if she kicks off at him he just needs to block her on all communication avenues, and if she physically turns up then call the police.

There is nothing that says she has to be his problem, you are never obliged to stay with anyone for any reason including them threatening to kill themselves if you leave them, that’s emotional abuse, whether they are mentally I’ll or not. You are his mother, take control if he is clueless.

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 07:26

HoppingPavlova · 01/11/2023 07:24

So if I call the police on her or kick her out she’ll know he’s told me and that could be bad for him. I’m trying to protect him

What on earth could be bad for him? What are you protecting him from? Can you see this makes no sense. There is no downside as he will be free of her surely, you kick her out and if she kicks off at him he just needs to block her on all communication avenues, and if she physically turns up then call the police.

There is nothing that says she has to be his problem, you are never obliged to stay with anyone for any reason including them threatening to kill themselves if you leave them, that’s emotional abuse, whether they are mentally I’ll or not. You are his mother, take control if he is clueless.

Sadly domestic abuse can have an hold over many people. If OP calls police her son may leave ...leaving him alone to suffer at hands of perpetrator without anyone knowing.

TickingKey46 · 01/11/2023 07:27

The police can put an alert on your house. Meaning if you call them they would know it's serious and get to you quicker.
I wonder if it's helpful to do a Clare's law on her. If it comes back with anything it may well be helpful to your son as he will know other people have been abused by her. It may well give him the nudge he needs. Saying that, it's not a quick process so doesn't solve the issue quickly.
Your son sounds totally terrified, it feels as if you need to step in and take control on his behalf. I would hope that contacting the police and other agencies he would see it for what it was.