Please help, son being abused

[Genelle1976]

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

Very likely he will leave with her yes.

Sorry trying to reply to every comment but I’m struggling. I don’t want to post too many details in case I’m identifiable, but I’m very ill at the moment and today is an extremely bad day physically. I’m not even able to get out of bed, so feel very limited in what I can do. My DH is not going to step up here, all he says is that our son is an adult now, it’s none of our business and he just needs to handle this himself. He said most people are all talk, and that she may make these threats but she won’t go through with them. So he’s basically put my worries down to overreacting.

My son has already said if me or his sister were in this situation he’d be telling us to go to the police and get them out, but that he’s not able to do it because he’s too close to her and has feelings for her.

She has been abused by her family yes, that’s why she doesn’t see them, I’m fairly certain as well she’s meant to be on all kinds of medication but refuses to take any.

Thanks so much for your advice, really means a lot. And to anyone who has replied, thank you. Will try to reply individually.

This is an approach I wanted to try, I’m torn between this and all out action against her, exposing her abuse so she can’t hide from it. The downsides to this are - I will break his trust, I will anger her even more possibly putting all of us at risk, I will be relying on police/mental health services, who I sadly don’t have much faith in. Not because of the people working for them who are brilliant, but lack of staff/resources and the fact that the threshold is high to take action.

I haven’t heard her say this, however over the past 10 months I’ve heard countless explosions of anger from her, I’ve seen texts from her to him being very nasty and spiteful, I’ve seen him change from a happy, outgoing, confident young man, to a depressed, nervous, sad shell.
However, in between these times there have been times when I’ve seen him be happier than he ever has when they’re getting on. He’s told me he loves her and begged me over and over again to not say anything. I’ve reached the end of that now and yes I’m a bad parent for not acting earlier, but it’s mostly due to fear of what she might do to all of us if I say anything.

It’s actually ridiculous that I’m scared of this woman.

"My son has already said if me or his sister were in this situation he’d be telling us to go to the police and get them out, but that he’s not able to do it because he’s too close to her and has feelings for her. "

Your son knows people in this situation should go to the police. But he feels he can't. And so he chose to tell you about all of this. Ask yourself WHY he told you? He knows you will go to the police on dove level, and he's given you the information to do just that. He just doesn't quite realise it on a conscious level. Yes he may initially be upset but he knows it has to happen and he knows it's you that will do it. Other wise he could have told his dad who he knows will do bugger all.

If you step back, OP, you'll see that your son has learned his people-pleasing from his parents.

If you don't change and put him first (yes, even if he rages at you), he will never learn differently. And neither will you.

Interesting that the general consensus on here seems to be that she needs help and going to police will help, framing it to your DS as such.

If it were a woman posting here that her partner was physically and emotionally abusing her (or if the OP had said it was her DD rather than her DS) I would wager good money the responses would have been very different.....

As the mother of a teenage son I can absolutely say without hesitation her bags would be on the front garden and the locks changed. If she refused to leave I would physically make her, no apologies. I'd even go so far as taking the dogs to the nearest kennel/shelter and let her deal with getting them back when she's homeless.

So she'll kick off? Let her, at that point phone the police while she's doing it.

@Genelle1976
In addition to getting this young woman out of your home, you need to suggest that your son get counseling as well. His handling of this situation suggests that he might need help as well. Therapy might help him identify the need to extract himself from this very unhealthy relationship. If you don't feel that you can compel her to get help, you can condition her staying upon his getting help immediately. You are allowing your self to be held hostage in this very unhealthy situation.

Have you thought about reaching out to her family for help? Do you have anything other than her account to verify her claim of abuse by her family? I would not accept the veracity of any accounts solely based upon her accounting.

As an interim solution, is it possible for your son to move away for a brief stay with other family members? If he leaves, then you can easily evict her.

Per previous posters advice, I would strongly recommend you approach specialist domestic abuse charities for men. They understand the mental health angle, the fear of escalation and self harm, threats of suicide and killing etc. This element of understanding is really important for your son - he needs to understand he is a victim and is not alone as a victim.

A friend of a friend was killed by his abusive girlfriend - all the signs were there but he didn't reach out. Please please get him some professional support that will be the best option of avoiding blowing everything up.

OP you need to remind your son that he may be willing to risk his own safety with this woman in the house, but is he willing to put you (and other family members) in danger too?
Also explain to him that it is entirely his choice if he wants to continue being in this relationship, but it is your decision that you don't want her in your house any longer.
So, by putting it this way, you are still respecting his choices and wishes, but also doing the right thing for your family. Just tell your son she is too dangerous to continue living at your home, end of. If he wants to support her in other ways that's up to him, but you can no longer provide a home for her.
I think that would be a good start, just giving him and all of you a safe space at home. Then she wont be able to so frequently and powerfully manipulate him with declarations for self harm and violence. Very Likely she has a personality disorder, her behaviour screams of it and unfortunately manipulation is part and parcel of that.
If she is that unwell /suicidal/ violent then she'll get triggered by one thing or another anyway, nothing your son does will control or change that. He isn't "keeping her safe" or "helping her" by staying quiet and being her victim.

He's been groomed and brainwashed, and it will take months maybe even years to de-programme this from him. He won't take kindly to any action you take but that's a risk sadly that you're to have to live with.

You can already see what her influence has done to him. You need professional help here from a DV charity, but getting him there isn't going to be easy. He's in too deep here to see any light. I wouldn't act at all until you've spoken to someone that has experience of this.

I would be wary of buying in to any claims that the GF’s family was abusive. It could well be that she was abusive to them and they sat away from her toxic behaviour.

It could be a cover story so your son doesn’t meet them and realise that they may not be as described. Therefore, removing the mask used by the GF.

give her a week's notice to move out but make it clear that she is going. Move your son into somewhere else (friends, hotel etc) until she has gone if you need to

Just to say I will reply to posts soon as I can, I’m very ill at the moment and it hurts to look at screens.

Just quickly to the person who said they think this is a wind up - when I said family have told me to kick her out, what I meant was I’ve confided in a couple of my own family members who I trust and they haven’t said a word to anyone. It’s them who told me to kick her out, but no one knows I’ve told them.

And no this is not a wind up, this is terrifying reality.

OP I was in a very similar situation to your son at the same age. Being emotionally and physically abused. I tried to pretend to my family that everything was OK and they played along with it. It's only been recently (I'm now 39!) that they've admitted they knew what was happening but didn't know how to deal with it. All I needed was someone to say they'd support me and had my back. Please do this for your son.

It took me nearly a decade to extricate myself and honestly as much as I love my family I can't help but think that them acting like everything was just normal (black eyes and all) prolonged a really toxic abusive relationship.

You've got this OP x

Are you sure that’s what your DH would say if he knew the extent of what had been going on? My husband is more hands off than me but there is no way he would want our son to be afraid/worried/unhappy, especially under his own roof. Would your DH feel the same if it was his daughter with an abusive partner?

He might be the right person to deal with this, or do you think he would be too harsh and your son would end up going too? I can’t imagine not involving my husband in a situation like this but then is is the calm and practical one of the two of us.

Your DS wants her gone.

He knows she is abusive.

He told you about it and then what he wanted you to do about it when he said if it was you or your DD he would go to the police.

He is SCARED. He can’t make these decisions or take actions because he is paralysed in the freeze / fright reaction of trauma.

But you are not so you need to take action on his behalf.

Talk to the experts and professionals.

Get their direction on how best to handle this from a safety and sensitivity perspective and do what they say.

All you need to do today is pick up the phone to the police and DA charity.

One step at a time.

I have to ask why have you listened to someone verbally abusing your DS in your own home for the past 10 months and not intervened?

This is very true. I was trained by my parents to be a people pleaser and I struggle. My 15 yo dd is very strong willed and has a tendency to try to control me and I have been caving due to illness. I get what it is to be ill op. I’ve been chronically ill for most of dd’s life and her controlling behaviour stems from this, when she was little and scared of the sudden realisation she has an ill mummy.

I understand you are scared and confused. Your ds has confided in you because ultimately he wants and needs your help. I totally disagree with your dh’s approach btw. Young people, who haven’t had good boundaries imposed or who are trying to work things out for themselves make a lot of mistakes. If this young woman is loving and caring yet violent and moody, she is a product of her environment. Not that you can excuse this. But maybe if you show her better, she will do better.

You have had various suggestions of how to deal with this. If you don’t want to go one way or the other, you could go for the middle ground. By this I mean to talk to her in a kind and gentle manner about how you get she had a hard time from her parents. And ask her if she thinks this is a good way to behave. Ask her if she wants to hurt your ds, what she’s trying to achieve.

The response may surprise you. She may actually be looking for him to hurt her as that’s what’s she’s used to. The next question then is what if he never hurts her back, is she going to escalate in the hope that he does even if that risks serious harm or death.

If I felt I could do this and not be in danger, this is the approach I would take as it is giving her and your ds a chance to work through this / past it / split up etc.

A very different example, I know. But I recently spoke to a boy, who’d really hurt my 15 yo dd. I was talking to him and his mum about something else, some information I needed due to my dd’s medical condition and it seemed like a good opportunity to let him know how he is being perceived by the girls at dd’s school and how he’s using girls. No details required really but I did this to protect girls in general as well as himself as he’s all over the place emotionally and love bomby. I was gentle and and non accusatory and he seemed to take it very well.

What I did took a lot of courage btw. I was in their home and I had never met his mum before, only spoken a handful of words to him. If you do talk to your ds’s gf, you will be in your home. And you can ensure you do it when your dh or another person, who you trust to protect you is around even if not in the same room.

Op my DD was in a similar situation to your son but a few years younger.

The only thing that stopped her relationship with her abusive bf was when I involved the police. She hated me for it. It took months for our relationship to recover. Years for her to heal emotionally. At one point I genuinely thought that I had lost her forever.

But never did I regret involving the police. Not when she refused to talk to them, not when they told me that she was a young person at risk, not when she screamed vile things at me. Involving the police frightened the bastard off. He realised that he couldn't continue to get away with abusing her.

You need to do what is right and uncomfortable and unpleasant here. Put your child first. I wish you the very best.

You need to take this threat to his life very seriously - the police will as will DA charities.

It is a huge achievement that he has opened up to you.

You will not be betraying his trust - you will be keeping him safe and taking actions that he is too traumatised and abused to take himself.

You not realise this but you are possibly at a ‘good’ place as he wants out - he just doesn’t know how. Many victims continue to rationalise and excuse abusive behaviour and that is a really hard place to help them. I hope / think your DS is beyond that place.

Dont let your DH hold you back - you don’t need his approval - sounds like he’s stuck in his own shame / macho delusional ideas that this couldnt happen to a male especially his son. You don’t have time to turn around that tanker - focus on the direction of the experts.

She is living in your house, presumably rent free and abusing your son.
I wouldn't hesitate in chucking her out, call the police tell them about the abuse and the threats the police take it very seriously.
Her threats to harm herself are probably just that, threats but even if not it's not your sons responsibility. He can't stay with her out of fear.
Abuse thrives on secrecy, call her out and Chuck her out

You need to be hard. What happens to her is not your concern. You son is being abused in his own home and that must stop ASAP.

She will be angry, there will be scenes but you need to get a group of family together and get her out.

OP it’s incredibly difficult to stand by and watch your DS spiral down.
DS went through something similar, fortunately she didn’t live with us.
DS reached out when he couldn’t take anymore. He admitted that he had seriously considered suicide because despite trying to walk away she wouldn’t let him. He went as far as writing a suicide note, fortunately he didn’t go through with it.
He is now free of her, but it will take a long time for him to commit to someone again. He’s still young,19, but as soon as a girl shows any sign of controlling behaviour he’s gone.
It took over a year for him to totally extricate himself. There were suicide threats, serious allegations and generally making him a social pariah.
As soon as he confided in me I encouraged him to make copies of any text conversations and in fact he decided to share them to DH & my phone so that ex could not delete them if she got hold of his phone. I had no idea that whenever they met up the first thing she would do is check through his phone to make sure he was not talking to any other girls.
Secondly, he would ask me to be present if she became abusive while they were facetiming. I wasn’t particularly keen on this but he was becoming more and more paranoid that her friends were right that he was an abuser. The gaslighting was very effective on him. He would warn her that I was within earshot but it didn’t seem to stop her.
Obviously this was after they split up but while she was still trying to control him.
Unfortunately, it can take a long time for them to emotionally detach from the abuser. DS turned the corner early this year. He can now have a normal conversation about his ex without constantly defending her behaviour. He now acknowledges that her claims that she was abused by her family were bullshit and just attention seeking. He also feels quite sorry for her current boyfriend who is obviously struggling at the moment and likely going through the same problems DS did.

You DS has reached out to you. Tell him you will support him. Give him an outlet, but keep what you hear confidential to build up his trust. Ask him what he would do if you asked his GF to leave.
My biggest worry would be the pregnancy card. A classic control technique that unfortunately goes back centuries. Make sure that he is in control of contraception. Also don’t let him fall for the” if only I had a baby to love, that will solve all my problems”, you know who will be left holding the baby.
How much financial support do you give his gf? Do you pay for dog food, does she pay rent? Maybe start to make noises about the cost of living crisis and how the bills are going up. If she’s at home all day how safe do you feel leaving her alone?
It takes a lot for boys to reach out for help. It is the first step but he may well take two steps forward and one step back for some time to come.
I’m all for slinging her out but your DS may not be at the point where he will thank you.

Just because it's a female abuser doesn't make it any different. If this was a man in your home abusing your daughter he'd be slung out straight away. WHAT are you waiting for?

He has told you about the abuse because he wants you to take control and do something about it. He can blame the spilt on you. Which is clearly all he can cope with.

What a sad state of affairs. She needs to go now. No giving notice. No worrying about what happens to her (or her dogs!). Sling her out and be done with it.

Have the police on standby if you have to. Get your DS some counselling and get this ridiculous situation over with. No way would I have this madam in my house!

@Genelle1976 you really don't need to try and reply to every comment.