Please help, son being abused

[Genelle1976]

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

Before you do anything at all- please get some professional advice. Ring mankind for advice on your son's emotional state and go down to the police station and just ask what your options are and what you can/cant legally do.

Abuse thrives in secret- the only way to get it to stop is for people to know unfortunately.

While I understand you might be very keen to involve the police I’d be concerned that if he’s not ready to leave the relationship this could push him to leave with her, or to hide deny it to the police and hide information from you, and then he’d be even more unsafe. I say this from a wealth of experience of working with survivors who take that course of action. I think the best thing to do is to get him to engage with support now to educate him about what is happening. Show him this picture and get him to think about all the ways she is abusing him. Get him to think about how typically suicidal people don’t often repeatedly talk about killing themselves, as they can be very secretive, and how it therefore looks like she’s trying to control him with her talk of suicide. Get him to watch abused by my girlfriend on bbc 3. Once you’ve got those things done (they can all be done in a day or 2) you can push the police more and he should be a bit more willing.

But this is why YOU need to take action as well. Police is only one thing. As soon as she is out of the house you have to call a locksmith and change the locks. You have to book your son time off work or maybe move him in with a family member. You have to ensure that she CANNOT come back.

The police cannot provide round the clock care for your son. You can. And you must until this is over.

Your son, by telling you all this and confiding in you, is actually crying out for help. You need to answer his call.

Wanted to add to the above, that police won't act on what they would see as hearsay. It would need to come from him - you saying he's told me she's said this or that etc wouldn't be enough. It needs to come from him- you can say whatever you want to police but if he's as scared as you say and doesn't want police involved he can just deny it all. And you've gone against his wishes and broken his trust. You can ask her to leave, that's within your rights, it's your house. In your position I would be supporting your son to see that she is using the tactics abusers use, educate him about abuse, help him form a plan and get support to leave the relationship safely. He sounds terrified 😕wishing you all the best

You do need to tread carefully here OP. It’s great that your son has opened up to you, that was a massive first step for him.

I fear if you go in all guns blazing or calling the police straight away it won’t help. He could tell the police he lied, or minimise, or not want to take it further. If she leaves there’s no saying he won’t go with her - he has to be ready to end this himself. This has to be at his pace. Do you have the opportunity to be alone with him for a while today? If so I strongly recommend you call ManKind for advice.

I presume if the OP has heard the girlfriend threatening to kill or hurt her son, the police will take the OP seriously.

I said I’ll even move out temporarily somewhere with him while this settles but he won’t hear of it

Why would you both move out of your own home because of her? That’s ridiculous.
Look, she isn’t a member of the mob op, she’s a young woman barely out of her teens. As the adult and presumably home owner, you call the police and have her removed.

@Genelle1976 is he working so at least he is out of the house? Does he have a friendship group?
I am sorry things are so tough for you and I can only echo what others have said. You need the police and she needs to go for her sake and both of yours.

Yeah this. One hundred percent. Why on earth are you allowing her to stay in your home?

OP, by telling you he has involved you.

This is happening in YOUR home.

You need to be firmer with your son.

YOU want her out.

YOU want this violent woman out of YOUR home.

YOU don't feel safe.

Go to the police and get her out now.

Log that she is violent and making threats.

By allowing her to remain you are facilitating the abuse.

HIS home should be a safe place.

Get her out.

Ask the police to explain her threats are abuse and control and NOT his responsibility.

But get her out of your home asap.

Can you find a good counsellor for him to speak to.

Remember this abuse is happening in YOUR home, so you decide who stays.

I'm so sorry.

Even though he says he doesn't want help, he does.

He's just scared of being helped.

That is her hold on him.

YOU need to own the fact YOU want her out of your home.

YOU don't want a violent abuser in your home.

I wouldn't tell your son anything and I would go to the police. There was a very sad case of a man who died at the hands of his female partner, the police kept trying to help him, I think he was in his 40s, she eventually took the violence too far and he died. It was part of a police documentary.

If you kick her out or pay for a place for her he will just follow her. If the police remove her then they can sort out her accommodation and hopefully address her mental health needs. Refuse to have her back at your address from that point she is removed by them. This way it all goes on record too.

I agree with everything single said, tell them about the threats to kill herself, her self harm, your son's fear and your own fear of her behaviour. The absolute best of luck to you.

He needs to understand that it doesn’t matter what he does she will always find something to be angry about. Once he stops doing one thing, there will be something else. There is no way to keep this under control without outside help.

I agree that you need to help your son see this is abuse. He doesn't seem like he can see it right now, the suggestions of the helplines are sensible as they may be able to guide you to how to have the conversation. It may be especially difficult for a man to admit this.

I don't think the police will intervene in a helpful way unless he's prepared to talk to them so step 1 is definitely try to get him to see with clarity what is going on.

Maybe frame it as "if you had a friend who was in this situation what would you advise them" or see if you can advise him to speak to someone over a helpline.

Or you can try the angle that " she is unwell and he is not a MH professional and that he's making it worse by believing he can sort it when she really needs professional help and nothing will get better until she does"

Good luck OP

Just wondering, is this necessarily how it will go down?

I have no experience of this, but if it's just on someone else's word with no physical proof or any other proof at all, will they actually section someone?

In particular, would the police randomly arrest a women? Unfortunately, I think abuse and DV threats are taken more seriously when the accused is male and the victim is female.

Without any proof, it could easily be a case of MIL's (or even MIL and son together) sabotage, jealousy, dislike or paranoia. If this works, I could just go out and randomly get my brother's innocent gf arrested now if I disliked her. I'm definitely not saying this is the case here, only that the police have no way of knowing.

Also, what if son panics and says "no nothing's wrong, our relationship is good"? Can the police intervene just on the mother's word alone then?

Again no experience here but just wondering. I do have experience of a situation where adult children called police on their violent parent but it was dismissed as a domestic conflict, which had dangerous repercussions as the parent was now pissed off but left free to retaliate.

I've not read the full thread but these are the words you say to your son. "Dad and I don't keep secrets. It's important you tell him and I can help you to do that, but if you don't feel able to then I will tell him myself."
Don't treat your husband with the same lack of respect as mine did to me over something big in our family 2 years ago. Our kids have left home now and our marriage is extremely fragile because of the way he responded to being asked to keep this secret.

I thought you said no-one else knew so how is your family telling you to kick her out?

I think this post is a wind up to be honest.

If its true, then you are enabling her to abuse your child by letting her to continue to live with you.

I would get her by her hair and throw he down the path along with all her belongings.

This baffles me.

As much as my marriage is deeply important to me, I would be prioritising my child's safety.

Sometimes children are closer to 1 parent for any reason. In fact as an adult I confide in my mum and dad about different things. I don't think it's introducing secrets into their marriage as I am a grown person with my own life that's got nothing to do with their marriage.

I can certainly invite him to share with Dad if both he and I trust Dad, but I wouldn't force him. If saying those words ("Dad and I don't keep secrets, either you tell him or I tell him") make him shut down in terms of confiding in me in future, I will not say those words. Again, his safety above all else

I (male) was in an abusive relationship with a woman back in my twenties. She was always, I can recognise in retrospect, pretty controlling, but it took time for her behaviour to ramp up to physical abuse. We were together three years.

It took three separate incidents of physical attacks, including a final one which also involved threats with a knife (the police arrived before that got worse), before I came to my senses and EVEN THEN I felt sorry for her and actually felt guilty that the police had arrested her.

Unless things now are a LOT better with how the police treat male DV victims, then you’re going to face a lot of pushback from them in dealing appropriately with this. God knows, women have enough problems getting help in DV situations and that’s despite all the focus and training on it. My experience with the Police would suggest they’ll bend over backwards to avoid helping your son. So you’re going to have to push hard and advocate for him.

I had already reported injuries to the police (the second attack) in person at a police station. They literally couldn’t have been less interested in helping me. I got some vague waffle about taking out an injunction (at my own expense and privately) but no other help or guidance and they didn’t even take my details / report the crime. I was naive then - these days I’d have insisted on a supervisor and would have put in a formal complaint but back then I walked away and assumed it really couldn’t be that serious and I obviously just needed to ‘man up’ some more.

Explain very clearly to the police that you want support in evicting her immediately. Make sure that you are VERY clear that you think she’s a threat to you and your son and that she may also pose a risk to herself (the threats to self harm). Do NOT let them duck their responsibility to you, your son or to the GF. Unless you’re lucky, they will take the path of least resistance - whatever is easiest for them to get off your ‘job’ and on to the next.

Also tell your DH. He deserves to know what’s happening to his son and you will need his support. If your son has a very close friend then get them involved too, if you think they’d be sensitive enough to help him / talk through the Stockholm syndrome stuff.

Yes, your son will probably resent the ‘interference’ at first, but you have to ignore that in order to protect him (and yourself / your home).

I suggest your son, or you if he won't, call https://mensadviceline.org.uk/ They're caring and specialists in this sort of situation, and will help him work out what to do.

Watch abused by my girlfriend on bbc iplayer it’s about a poor man called Alex skeel and his then girlfriend Jordan worth it may give you some insight and ideas as when your looking at another family as an outsider your able to think more clearly his family are in the documentary I believe when he finally got help he was about 24 hours from death

A lot of the advice is very simplistic, as if OP's son is about 15! He isxan adult and can also choose to leave the home, so all the suggestions of "kick her out tomorrow" risk the son also leaving and then continuing to be abused in a less safe environment, AND will stop confiding in people. There are complex reasons why people stat with abusers and if it was as simple as just making them break up then everyone would do it.

OP, speak to a DV charity and ask the for advice. Even somewhere like Womens Aid might not be able to help directly but will be able to direct you to groups which can advise you whatvthe options are and how to support your son to end this relationship.

OP I’m sorry for the situation your in .

One of my sons had a gf live with us , but it was no where near as bad as your situation i wanted her out even though I had tried to help her Initially. She wouldn’t help herself! Both my son and I at work she would sleep all day , wouldn’t let gardener in hadn’t done a thing at home. .she went on her 2nd holiday of the year(didnt work) and I said to my ds please end this I didn’t want her back . By this time he had seen sense . It took months though to get to that point. They had hugh arguments too.
My point is I understand it’s a difficult situation.

In your shoes I’d call Women’s aid on your sons behalf. Once you have support and advice then sit your ds down again for a chat about moving forward . No way would I go in all guns blazing.
If you were dw posting for yourself you would be told to do things calmly with support .
You need to get your son out this situation and most definitely so you keep his trust .

Maybe after women’s aid it will be time to speak to the police and apply for an order to keep her away .
You do need professional help especially if you are scared of her .
Please take your time with your ds, I don’t mean let this carry on weeks . Act now with getting help and let your son know your helping him .

I see a PP has suggested this:

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

You can ring them OP and ask for advice; if this was a man who'd hit your daughter you'd be taking immediate action you wouldn't be debating what to do, but I can see how this is so frightening, you automatically think the law etc will be on her side. Knowledge is power, get some control over the situation, ring for advice then decide what to do.

I'd actually sit her down explain that its mot working out, and she has to leave. If you turn a blind eye, you're actually helping her, not your son. He has nowhere to escape, at least with the girlfriend out of the house, he has refuge.

https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk/services/dave/ - not just for parents, any man can call
https://thedashcharity.org.uk/services/for-men/

There are more but what I'm saying OP is use these sources of advice, ring yourself and say my son is too scared to call you but what should we do?