Please help, son being abused

[Genelle1976]

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

Final post - this is a great resource and often easier to get through to than Women's Aid albeit that's a great organisation too, I've used this one more successfully in the past:

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/#:~:text=Call%200808%202000%20247.

They are recommended by men's charities too.

I came on to recommend these as well. Also, if you google your local county and domestic abuse service each area should have their own support service with IDVAs who are highly trained in abuse and able to advise on what to do next and offer support. They work with anyone experiencing abuse in the area, whether male or female.

If it was me I’d make her leave too but OP had stated she is scared of her .

Also nobody is mentioning the fact her son has had a threat to his life form gf .
I wouldn’t be making anyone’s until id spoke to professionals. .Any of the above mentioned .
Then OP can see what her next steps are. Maybe it her and he ds going to station to make a formals complain and gf being removed from the home abs conditions out in place .

Sorry to hear you are going through this and it’s can’t be easy for you or your son.

if he can get counselling that would give him an independent person he can talk to. This really helped me.

Your son should start calling an ambulance, when there are threats of self-harm or to kill. Either his GF needs help or, most likely, it’s a false threat and will stop. Coming to the realisation that he is not responsible for any actions she takes (he cannot and must not control or be responsible for her) is key for him in breaking free.

He should consider whether the relationship itself is not helping her and she could be in a better place working on herself.

it’s a very complex situation but supporting your son to critically think about the situation will help him exit a state of constant hyper alertness and then be able to make decisions.

Unless you have been in that situation of thinking that your loved one is really going to kill themselves you can’t appreciate the panic and pressure you are under, all the time. It is hard to recover from but can and is often done.

Good luck, make sure your son knows that you will always be there and help him find space to think outside of panicking

@Loubelle70 I’m not blind to that, which is why I said OP needs to take control. It doesn’t sound as though her son is 30/40yo so while unpleasant is not impossible. I had a young adult child in what I would say is the stage before this, and the ‘other’ did not live with us, but I sat them down, MADE them open their eyes and get a grip and enforced my boundaries in my own home and with my own child. That gave them the support and space needed to enact a retreat without them feeling it was all on them. Worse case was the person killing themselves, and it was a case of ramming down my child’s throat that should that result it was not on them, nor me, it was not something that should ‘scare them’, and especially not scare them into putting up with such a situation. Consequently, they also need to understand healthy relationships as none should ever have a hold on you like that, even a spouse you have been with for decades.

Does your son have a job and an income?

She has to go , one way or the other , but she has to go .

Give her option, leave immedately or call the police for assault.

your son needs to protect himself from this toxic relationship, but it is well known that people take 10 incidences or so before they leave, and then frequently go back. It is extremely hard to break that codependency

you can help him by ensuring you have a safe home and refuge for him to come back to. Even if you don’t want to call police on his behalf . You cannot offer him safe refuge when she is there

she is NOT your problem to solve. The minute she started being abusive, let alone physical, she leaves. Your house rules and her choice to break them. Make that clear.

I left my husband becuase he had mental health issues and he stopped taking his meds resulting in him being abusive. We were married for 30 years. I always said it was his choice whether to get and stick to treatment, but it was my choice to divorce him if he did stop getting help. If she has mental illness it is her choice to seek help or not, but your son needs to accept him staying with her in these situations is NOT helping her resolve these issues. he is merely her punchbag for all her fears and frustrations. But you cannot force that decision for him. Just give him a safe refuge.

but in your situation personally, I would call the police. If she is that mentally unwell she is a danger to herself or others, they will do a section 1, and frankly, my experience of the mental health services over 15 years, getting sectioned is the best thing for people with severe mental issues as it is the only way these days to be admitted to psych ward for proper 24/7 observations to get a proper diagnosis and right treatment. Care in community does not work 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would tread carefully initially. Have you asked your son how exactly he intends to handle the situation as he's so opposed to asking for outside help?
What is she like to you and your husband and how does she behave towards your son in front of you?
I'd be trying to persuade DS that she needs help and I'd also be asking for advice from relevant agencies first. Oh and he needs to either tell his dad himself, or allow you to.

This sounds awful. I haven't read all posts; but just wanted to signpost to Mankind, who may be able to offer some help to you and your son

https://mankind.org.uk/

Maybe you have to take charge. He's reaching out to you.

Tell him you are going to tell her you have heard what's going on. Find her a hostel to stay in. First. Then, say she has 20 minutes to pack her things and leave. She must not come near you or your son of She or son hear from her again you are going to the police.

Her mental health is not your concern. Give her the mental health helpline number as well tell her to call that

People who threaten suicide rarely do it. She is emotionally blackmailing him

He can't think straight right now so you have to do teh thinking for him. Tale him to one side. Tell him you have found her a safe place. Of She is threatening suicide call am ambulance and they will take her to a safe place. Plot with your son. She needs help but so does your son

This sounds awful. Do you and your husband work/are you out a lot? When is the abuse actually happening? Could you arrange with DS to catch her in the act and then call the police? That way it's out of his hands. Is there physical evidence of the abuse?

I’d point out to your son that she is very ill and needs help for her own well-being. You don’t want her to harm herself any more and this is the best way to get help for her. If she harms any of you due to her illness she’ll end up in prison and who wants that? I think if you come at it from a point of concern for her he’ll be more accepting. At 22 he’s too young to cope with all the variables of a mental illness, and she sounds very unwell to me. Feeling sorry for her, hiding the truth won’t help her.
Once she has gone perhaps yoyr son can speak to someone a therapist or contact MIND ?

If it was me I would take my son away, out of the situation, far away, just put him into a car and drive to a hotel, and then arrange some counselling for him urgently today.

Just ask him if it was you, what would he do? Do whatever it takes to get him away from her today.

I would then get her removed from the house and tell her to never make contact with any of you again. Tell the police also. No messing around. Good luck.

There have been some great resources posted already but I just wanted to say that helping him connect with these could be very powerful in shifting how he’s thinking. And his mindset is the key to ending this.

I disagree strongly with the posters urging you to act, because there is a strong likelihood that he will crumble at this point, that she will win the emotional battle and he will end up even more isolated if he goes with her. I’d keep your powder dry a little longer.

Speaking to a men’s support group, he will have to tell his story, and will be validated in doing so. You can assure him that he’s not calling in the cavalry - he’s still dealing with it by himself - this is just about exploring options and listening to advice. You can reassure him that he still can decide what to do.

Take him somewhere safe to call. I’d suggest leaving his phone at home (he can call from yours) and sit with him while he tries to get through.

I’ve seen it over and over on the relationships board here where posters come on to talk about an incident that they’re struggling with and it’s in the validation they receive here that they start to understand the full extent of their situation. Our brains react to danger by protecting us - sometimes we can’t see the bigger picture. Telling the story to people who understand, changes our understanding.

But one thing he needs to know is that ending a relationship is the most dangerous time. For him and for you. If and when he’s ready to end it, there’s no preamble, no warnings, no discussions. It has to be fast and decisive.

He needs, to borrow a MN-ism, find his anger. Get him talking to one or some of the resources posted above and go from there. Good luck op

As previous posters have said, you need to tread very carefully otherwise you risk alienating your son. My DM was in this situation. She allowed an abuser to move in with my sibling. When she realised what was going on she kicked the abuser out but this resulted in my sibling leaving and moving in with abuser. The situation got a lot worse and it took a long while to get my sibling away from the abuser. Please take advice from professionals and good luck.

Os your DH sensitive and supportive? If so tell him. Ds might respond to another man telling him he is in an abusive relationship and doesn't have to stay. He probably thinks he needs to help her or is somehow to blame.

Can you find out her background? Has she done this before? Do you have contact details for her family? Contacting them might encourage her to leave.

Be wary of false accusations. If confronted either by you or the police she may accuse your ds of domestic violence. She has self inflicted injuries. Police may believed her. Can you report the abuse to your GP first?

If she has caused huge arguments and threatened your son , and you do go to the police , surely she must have been pretty loud . Can you not say you heard much of what's been going on so that she doesn't think your son has confided in you . I would tell your DH what you're going to do .

Tbh it's not just about your son.

She is living with you in your house & you are afraid of her

Have you got family or friends that your son’s gf is not aware of that he could go and stay with for a few weeks if he’s willing, the further away the better, then
You, your dh and possibly some other family members for support if you’re afraid of her could then deal with getting her out.

Change locks and get your son to block her on everything so that she can’t contact him.

While he’s away from home he can speak to the police and seek advice from agencies that deal with male dv to sort out what his next move might be.

Im really sorry your son is going through this op. It’s every parents nightmare.

You're living in the same house and never heard anything?

Get your DH to lob her then call police.

Enough is enough.

To those saying she should get mental health support you realise you can't just snap your fingers and it happens, don't you? There is virtually no mental health support in the UK these days, and it certainly isn't immediately accessible. In fact, the best way to get her support, while simultaneously aiding your son to escape from this horrific relationship is to call the Police and report her abuse of him.

The problem will be getting him to make a statement, along with you doing so (absolutely do this) in order that there is enough evidence that she can be charged and can't go near him. If he doesn't then it will be back to more if the same.
Plus if she is arrested then she cannot take your son with her while she is interviewed. That might give your son some much needed respite and clarity. He needs to know that living this way indefinitely cannot possibly be worse than what would result from reporting her.

You have some sway here, she lives in your home. But you really don't want him to leave with her should you force her to move out.

Remember, you don't need his permission to report her abusive behaviour. Protect your child, he's crying out for help. Do not protect her at the expense of your son's safety and well-being, no matter what he says. Tread carefully, she won't go quietly.

She might also be threatening that she will hurt YOU, that’s why your son is panicking now. This is obviously all going on when you are out at work?

She has got to go. Now.

I would be concerned that the police wouldn't do much at this stage, and if she gets wind of this it will make things a whole lot worse for everyone, especially your son. Point him in the direction of the support agencies who will have had experience of this, and tell her you are developing an allergy to the dogs and you need her to move out with them. Even if he feels initially that he has to go with her, he can start staying more and more at yours and break away.

She may not have a mental health condition.

She may just be an awful, violent, manipulative person.

I inevitably think 'ohh they just must need my help'- but experience has told me, some people just aren't nice and some people maybe nice- but not to all people.