Please help, son being abused

[Genelle1976]

My 22 year old son is in an abusive relationship with a woman, I need help and advice urgently if possible. She’s got a lot of problems and isn’t going to go easily, he’s begged me not to say or do anything so I can’t confront her or tell anyone. He said he needs to be able to trust me and know that I won’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

I’m scared of her and absolutely terrified of what she’s doing to him. They live with us and I feel like I don’t want to leave his side. This is a nightmare, I can’t believe the situation we’re in.

It would be lovely and perfect if you could get him to see that it's just not working with them together- and that they need to split- either permanently or for a time.

But considering she has threatened him, that option is off the table. She has crossed a line. And this is how I would explain it to him.

Non molestation order.

I had a very similar situation with my Ds and his (ex)gf, she came to live with us and then they got a place together and we never heard from him again nor did his friends.
He eventually made contact and told us how controlling she'd been and that she was pregnant with his baby and said if he left her she'd say he raped her so he stayed with her, (I read the texts) she threatened self harm and to harm the baby and to contact children services and make up lies about our younger dc if he told anyone.
Ds finally left, she carried out her threat and he was arrested but she didn't go through with giving a statement, she then made up various lies to the police every time he refused to get back with her saying she would make his life hell but he could always go back to her if he wanted it to stop.

She now lives with her baby, she continues to threaten that if he tried to see the baby she'll get him arrested again for rape as the police said she could change her mind about making a statement any time in the future so she can forever hold that over him.
Sadly he doesn't see the baby as she's made it too dangerous,but it won't get any better, she planned this all along, she wanted a baby and she got one.
This was years ago now but I'm telling you because we didn't think she would go this far but she was ruthless and wanted to cause as much damage as she could even her family said that is unfortunately what she does to get her own way.

Abusers are clever. They are very good at appearing sweet and lovely to the outside world, whilst being abusive behind closed doors when nobody can hear.

OP I would try to help him contact ManKind mankind.org.uk/ - they are the men's equivalent of Women's Aid and very good at what they do.

It takes on average, seven attempts to leave an abusive person. Your son may be torn between feelings of love and feelings of confusion. Abusers can appear extremely loving, then quickly switch to being cruel and manipulative. This goes round in cycles so the survivor is constantly in a state of 'but they can be so lovely. And I love that part of them. Maybe I can help them.' Etc etc. Calling the police is not always the best thing to do if that is not what the survivor wants, however if you feel he is in immediate danger of harm you must make that call.

If I were you, I would be asking her to leave, regardless of what your son thinks. It is your house, and you cannot allow someone who is abusing your boy to live under your roof (apologies if this has already been covered. I haven't had time to read all posts as there are quite a lot).

How are YOU doing? Have you got much support yourself?

I'm not a legal expert, but in this situation, your son's safety is of paramount importance. It's clear that your son is in an extremely unhealthy and dangerous relationship. Threats, violence, and emotional abuse are serious issues. You may want to consider the following steps:

1. Contact the Police: If your son's safety is at immediate risk, you should not hesitate to call the police. It's essential to document any incidents of physical violence and threats.
2. Seek a Restraining Order: If your son is comfortable with this, consult with law enforcement or a legal professional about obtaining a restraining order against his partner to ensure his safety.
3. Support for Her Mental Health: While it's essential to prioritize your son's safety, it's clear that this woman also needs help! If you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you could consider reaching out to local mental health services or organizations that can provide assistance for her mental health issues. Anger management perhaps?
4. Domestic Violence Hotline: Encourage your son to contact 08 08 16 89 111 -a domestic violence hotline for guidance & support. They can provide advice on how to safely navigate this situation, and can give him the support he might need to know he's not alone.
5. Document Everything: Continue to document any incidents of abuse and threats, as this information may be useful if legal action is needed.
6. Safety Plan: Help your son create a safety plan for himself. This plan should outline steps he can take to ensure his safety in case the situation escalates.
7. Seek Legal Advice: Contact a legal professional to understand the legal options available in your area and how best to protect your son.
8. Emotional Support: Continue to offer your son emotional support and encourage him to seek therapy or counseling to help him cope with the trauma he's experienced.
9. No matter what, don't let this woman get pregnant with your sons child!

Your son's safety is the top priority, seeking a restraining order may be necessary. Encourage your son to speak to a counselor or therapist.
I'd also, encourage your son to write down exactly what he's looking for in a partner, if he had a blank canvas and could have anything he wants and be treated anyway he wants - what would he like to have? He will soon see the gaps in what he really wants, and what he is getting. xx

You don't need to tell her your son has told you. If they're living in your home you can easily put it down to spotting and hearing things. YOU know YOUR son and you can also tell her you've noticed a big change in his personality.

Your son has come to you because he NEEDS you. He NEEDS you to do something. Else he would not have confided in you. But he needs to work with you.

This is your home, how dare anyone do this to you and your son in your own home? Your home should be your sanctuary! Get angry, get gutsy - she is no one and she is absolutely dominating & destroying the pair of you.

You cannot pussy foot around this issue - what is more important? Your son's mental and physical well-being or this monstrous woman? Not to mention your mental and physical well-being.

She needs help, yes. She has obviously suffered traumas that cannot and will not be fixed by you or your son (other than kicking her out). She needs serious professional help.

It will not be an easy ride, it will be tough, there will be madness BUT it WILL subside and she will eventually fade into the background. But your resolve needs to be strong - I know its easier said than done.

Get your son reading online about abuse and the control it has over him, get him on the path to recognising that being in this situation will never come of any good. Things will not change with her if she is not challenged to address her absolutely unacceptable behavior and whatever past traumas are the cause.

It must be so hard for you, you've taken a brave first step but you will need to brave the storm that's coming to see the sunshine on the other side.

There is a LOT of support for domestic abuse. Physical abuse should always be reported to the police - go to the police. They will steer you in the right direction.

It's your house. Throw her out.

I agree.

Your son has confided in you which is a great first step and you need to be careful you don’t push him away.

I personally would tell him that her behaviour is unacceptable and it’s only going to get worse.
Tell him that you should report this to the police but you won’t IF he tells her to move out and ends the relationship.

Tell him he needs to tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and that they can’t continue to live together like this, so she needs to find somewhere else to stay.

You can continue looking after the dogs if this is her excuse.

I would tell him to give her a couple of weeks to find somewhere else.

In that time she is possibly going to ramp up her abuse, either in a nasty way or a manipulative way.

You and DH then need to sneak around and listen out for anything abusive she says to him and try and record it.
I hope that there are not many times when you’re both out of the house. If there are I’d consider getting a voice recorder or camera with sound and position it in a place that just happens to be near their room.

Many abusive women will turn it around and play the victim, so having recordings may help your sons case in the long run and you’ll have something to have control over her.

I would try and get some evidence if you can, without either of them knowing.

But if you hear her physically hit him or say something awful like she’s going to kill him or that she’s going to claim he’s abusing her etc you storm into the room straight away and tell her to get away from him and that she is not welcome in your house (if it’s been recorded then even better).

Tell them that you are ringing the police.
When they ask you not to, say you will not ring the police on the condition that she leaves that day and has absolutely no contact with each other again.

Do not leave them alone together from that moment on and tell her to ring the council to say she’s homeless and they’ll put her up into a hotel.

Your son can stay downstairs whilst she packs her things and tell her if she needs to contact about the dogs then she contacts you only.

If he tries to leave with her then you threaten to phone the police and say you’ve got the recording so he can’t even deny it.

It sounds like I’m dragging it out but unfortunately the police won’t actually do much, especially if he denies it which he will.

He’s also very likely to leave with her or continue the relationship because he feels bad for her, as PPs have said.

Having that carrot/stick of you threatening to phone the police may be a way to get her out of his house without him going with her, especially if you have proof in the recording.

GREAT advice. The last one: No'9 - ABSOLUTELY! That will bring a 3rd and totally helpless person into her world of abuse.

I agree with most of this but will just highlight that you can't just apply for a reatraining order. There has to be a criminal sentencing which there hasn't been. He can however apply for a nob molestation order. This can be done for free through the National Centre for Domestic Abuse.

Also, the issue isn't anger management. Abusers can control their anger when in public, when they are at work, when they're around their peers. Their abuse is a choice. They choose to abuse. It isn't an anger management issue but more a want to control and hurt a person. They are perfectly capable of controlling their anger.

I also wouldn't recommend trying to sort out her mental health issues for her. She won't accept that she has any (if she indeed does) and it takes a long long time to get proper help in place. This invites her to believe you care and want to remain in contact (even if you do, she needs to sort her own shit out).

Nob molestation? That has to be my worst typo ever. Of course that is meant to say 'non'.

I was involved in a similar situation when I was in my early 20s - my best friend and flatmate moved her boyfriend in with us, and he quickly turned abusive but she was too scared to seek help.

I ended up goading him on purpose into hitting me so I could press charges. Not the best way to go about it but highly effective at the time and I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Firstly, get cameras in your house so that any evidence can be captured on film.

Secondly, get your son into counselling asap.

Thirdly, line up every support avenue for him that you can. You can’t make him take any of them but at least you can make him aware of the help that is out there.

You've had lots of sound advice from PPs. Please, please do something to help your DS.

Has your DH not noticed anything untoward with regard to your DS's or the girlfriends behaviour? Can't you tell your DH about what your DS has said and if DS finds out that DH knows, pretend that DH overheard conversations or situations when DS thought he wasn't around?

I urge you to do something and do something quickly to get rid of this woman (she's in a very bad state and I wouldn't wish that on anyone but!).

A friend of mine lost her brother to suicide because he couldn't cope with the mental and physical abuse he received at the hands of his girlfriend. I would rather spend a lifetime with my son not speaking to me because I went against his wishes, rather than visit his grave and live with the regret of not speaking out.

I really hope you are able to get a resolution and quickly OP. Please let us know how you get on with the Police etc.

Please, please do not put cameras in your house. This may make her abuse more covert and will anger her. It may stop some of the physical abuse however may escalate her controlling behaviours, which are often reported as having much more significant effects on long term mental health and future relationships than physical abuse. She needs to leave OP, then you need to change the locks and possibly get a camera (such as a ring doorbell) OUTSIDE of your home in case she returns.

I'm sorry to hear about all the chaos she is putting your son through, he obviously isn't handling this continued abuse as he doesn't know how to.
Keep the dogs if you like as they sound lovely, but don't let her hold that over you. Yes call the Police and any mental health places to get advice . Your son will be okay , and glad eventually that you intervened. I know he's scared she will self harm or worse , she knows that she can hold that over him because he is such a kind and caring person. If she was going to do that she would have did it already, she's holding onto the fact that she can emotionally blackmail your son. She needs to be gone so your son can get his life back, but definitely don't fall for any of her excuses to work her way back into his life.

If a man was abusing a poster's daughter like this, would you say 'Aw, he must have mental health issues. Maybe he could get some help' or would you say 'He is a violent abuser and you need to help your daughter get away from this relationship NOW'.

She must have family. Can't you contact them? Where was she living before?

OP it's great that your son told you - he is recognising that this situation is wrong and has looked to you for support. I agree with asking the police/DV charities for advice & yes she has got to go, but if you force the issue it will put your son in a high pressure position of having to confront her/choose between you or her, and it sounds like at this stage he may choose to go with her rather than be seen to take a stand against her. Can you find a different way to put space between them in a way that looks like it is "out of his control". He might go along with that if she thinks he has no choice. Could you fabricate a family emergency (a non local grandparent/relative has "had a fall"?) and you and DH "insist" he goes to help, preferably when she's not around. You could even suggest he puts all the blame on you and your DH, pretend he doesn't want to go, to give him an out with her. I would then accidentally forget his mobile charger so all contact has to go through you. Once he's away from her he may feel able to let you and DH intervene if he can be seen as "blameless" in her eyes. I would then be inventing a reason that she has to leave the house temporarily, put her in a hotel with the dogs for a week, then another excuse as to why she can't come back. Try to keep him away for a while. You know your son, but could you give him a choice 1. We have her removed by police or 2. You go along with a "family emergency" to get away from her (and then once he is you and DH intervene further to remove her in a way that doesn't reflect on him on any way.)

You ask her to leave and you report to the police. DV is truly horrific. The only positive to this situation is that your son lives with you so he has support. Many of us go through it alone for years as we have no one to turn to.

Good luck to your son it’s very hard to come to terms with.

If your son really wants the best for her surely he recognises that she NEEDS professional help. He is not trained to help her.
Have your son contact a support agency for himself.
Find mental health phone numbers for her (for him to give her).
Be prepared to change the locks quickly and help your son to escape the relationship. Report everything to the Police and you and your son keep a record of dates, abusive behaviour and threats etc so you can back up a DVO.
Your poor son.

If you said to your son ‘what would you do if I came to you with this? Can we come up with a plan together to get rid of this wagon?’

keep saying ‘this is NOT love’

’she is very mentally unwell. You can’t help her.’

Cobble some cash together for a deposit for a house share and boot the abusive mare out.

Why the money suggestion? Simply throw her out, you wouldn't tolerate a daughter being physically abused like this. Where she finishes up isn't your concern.

It’s called ‘love’ well he thinks it is and grooming. It’s how abusive partners reel you in. He will be the kind considerate people pleaser who will do anything for her. That’s how abusive relationships work. Many years from now when this is all over and he can reflect he will see it for what it really is.

The most important part is she leaves your property so your son has a safe place. Even if you have to call the police to make her leave, and by the way due to the grooming etc it’s very possible your son will leave with her.

I haven’t seen any bruises on him no, I think he’d tell me if there were any other violent incidents because he was so in shock from this one. I did ask if she’d done anything else and he said no, only threats. Ok that’s a good idea about the documentary.

Google DV it’s how it works there’s patterns to it. She has been grooming and controlling him so he no longer gets to be himself 💐. Coercive relationships are now also illegal so the police can really help properly.