Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

He is gaslighting you into believing that your PMDD is the cause of all the problems in the relationship. It’s not… he is!

Coercing you into sex is never ok. He wants you to marry him so he’ll have even more control over you and he can neg you and gaslight you and it will be much harder for you to escape. He’s toxic.

Run for the hills.

Yes the bad thoughts are around forcing me. He is stronger thank I am and could if he wanted to.

So he will lie there and physically jerk his head "to get the bad thoughts out". I know he is really struggling at that point and will often just give in and have sex with him.

God I realise how that sounds writing it down.

Also preventing you from sleeping and arguing over shit through the night (usually when out have important stuff the next day) is classic abusive behaviour.

I think I may have replied to your previous thread.

Ex used to say that didn’t count as sex right after having sex, because he had this narrative that we never had sex, we would have sex three times a week. It was hell because I hated him and hated having sex with him but if I didn’t comply he would badger and get angry and rage on and on.

Life is so amazing without him in it.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes lace those trainers up and get going, I was married to a man like your "D"P for twenty years, and it's taken every ounce of strength I had, and a lot of money, to get rid of him. I nearly lost my house as well (once you are married your property becomes "marital property", even if it was yours to start with).

I wish I had listened to my gut feelings when we were first together, but I didn't realise he was abusive I thought it was all my fault...same as you, not wanting enough sex, or the right kind of sex, or not kissing him properly...and it took me many many years to see what was happening, he was so good at the coercive stuff, almost word-for-word the same as you are hearing.

Get out of there love, your friends and family will be relieved you have called it off once they understand why. I wish I knew you IRL to help you do this xx

It's a recipe for disaster. You need to call it off.

I have pmdd and sometimes overreact to various things my partner does in the week before my period.
Here is how my partner (who I love very very much) handles it:

1. he doesn't mention my pmdd
2. he is even more loving and reassuring than usual
3. he checks in with me about how I'm feeling often
4. IF I mention I feel shit/depressed/suicidal and don't know why, then and only then he might bring up PMDD as a possible explanation but in a reassuring way, e.g. do you think this could be related to the time of the month?

Your partner is not being supportive. He is being a dick and using your medical condition to manipulate you into not trusting your instincts, so he can continue to get what he wants when he wants it.

Please don't marry him. You deserve better.

Call it off. I had doubts on my first wedding day but still went through with it. I was divorced within three years. Listen to your gut instinct. Anyone who loves you won’t mind and will be happy for you to be looking after yourself.

@flaxentoad If you have nothing to add, add nothing. Do not feel the need to ask AI about other people's problems.

If you marry him these feeling of drowning will continue for the rest of your life.

a loving and supportive partner does not act like he is acting, they don’t blame you for things you can’t control and they make you feel worthy and loved.

please leave do not marry him or move him into your home.

That sounds amazing.

I get -

You are vile, I hate who you are every month.

You revolt me.

You're crazy/psycho/nuts.

You will never change.

Your illness is a curse on me.

Jesus Christ OP!

You agree to have sex with him because he's banging his head on the pillow to prevent himself from raping you????????

Please, please get away from this man. I can't tell you how extreme, frightening and worrying his behaviour is. I'm really glad you realise how bad it is now that you've written it down.

we are all trying to say the one thing that will help you to call off the wedding @WhereAreMyRunningShoes , this is not you, this is him, and he will never change in fact he will get worse.

Everything else is a detail, the most important thing is to get yourself away from him. It won't be easy emotionally, but it'll be a sight easier than another 40 years of the same, and worse.

This man sounds awful and I truly think you need to call off the wedding. Do you own your house? If you go ahead and marry him your risking your kids home anyway. Don’t marry this horrible bully and don’t lumber your kids with him.

You don't have to marry him. You have a choice. If you were feeling that you can't wait to be his DW, excited, butterflies - yes, marry him. But you dread it, and would be doing it so as not to lose face, lose money. What do you think your friends and family would say if they read your posts on here? Tell someone you can't face it. They might think it's just nerves at first but stuck to your guns and get them to help you cancel everything, and then tell him afterwards. It doesn'thave to be the end of your relationship if you decide you still want to be with him, but you won't be shackled to him. As I said before, you don't have to be married to this man. Best wishes xx

I am saying this with experience of what you’re going through.
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Do not marry this man. He is abusive and sexually coercive.
please protect yourself and your children and get far away from this man.

Exactly this, and he uses it against you in a coercive and abusive manner. Do you really want a future built on this behaviour?

Oh, OP.

I feel so bad for you, reading these posts. You don't deserve to live like this.

Even if you have PMDD, your partner should be loving and supportive.

My husband and I have barely had sex this year because we have two children under three and both work full time and we are too knackered. We'll get it back eventually, once we're no longer bed sharing with a really cute but annoying squatter. My husband would never dream of putting this kind of pressure on me.

This is not how you should feel in the run up to your wedding. You should be feeling happy and excited and looking forward to spending the rest of your life with this man. If that's not how you're feeling, don't marry him. Even calling off a wedding with four days to go is easier than getting divorced.

Call it off. Do it today.

I’ve got a close friend who ignored her own alarm bells. Her marriage has been a shitshow from beginning to end. Now it’s over she told me she seriously thought about not marrying him, and a few years in she seriously thought about leaving him. What she did instead was get deeper and deeper into it with him and eventually, couldn’t tell what way was up. She’s the personification of dissonance and it’s taken months to even begin to turn her head round. In the beginning she was willing to believe she was to blame for all his monstrousness. He played her like a maestro, and - shock - turned out to be a total headfucker, mentally and emotionally abusive, a liar and finally, a cheat. She sounds a lot like you - the drowning metaphor really struck me. I said to her the other day why the hell did you not say something? She didn’t feel she could, things had already gone too far, she thought it might be her, she thought it might get better. In the beginning she couldn’t trust her judgment so had to stick to facts. Fixed points, inarguable events. This man will tell you you’re crazy and he’s the tolerant one. If you marry him you give him power and control. Look how he’s treating you now. I’m scared for you.

Don’t get any further in. Please don’t do it.

The worst of it all is I KNOW what I need to do. I just need to be brave and do it.

I am going to ask my sister to come over tonight and talk her through it all, my sister absolutely loves me and will be bluntly honest. I have a therapy session tomorrow so I can go over it all with her.

I have never told her the sex stuff, I didn't want to paint him in a bad light so I have always focused on my actions and been 100% honest about the things I have done and feel ashamed off.

She always reassures me that people will not care if I cancel the wedding, she also reassures me that even if I get married it doesn't have to be forever. I think getting some real life support on this is crucial.

Also don’t worry about your friends and family. They probably have suspicions about what he’s really like and will hopefully fully support you when the truth is told.

Cancel - NOW.

Please cancel the wedding and leave him, he is emotionally and sexually abusing you. Coercing you into sex when you're not really up for it isn't on. End it all now before you are years down the line and he is threatening rape as his marital right.

Please, for the love of God and your own sanity, don't marry this abuser.

To be fair... Even if ALL these problem were caused by pmdd but they're not you would STILL be better off not being in this relationship. All it is doing is bringing you misery and you don't even have a real say in what happens to your body 😱
Does the root cause him even matter!!? You'd be better off alone, so all this debating back and forth with him over what/who is to blame here is irrelevant because it's all just nasty and needs to cease.
Just stop wrestling the question as to whether this relationship would be lovely if only you didn't have pmdd... Just stand up in the water you're drowning in (which is him not the pmdd) and walk out.
I'm sure your kids would be thrilled.

Sweetheart, this IS rape. He's raping you by using the threat of rape or violence to make you submit. Please, please end it now.