Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Because…. No fucking way would I move a man in to my children’s home having NEVER lived with him before

but you would? @zurala

Therapist here! But not your therapist so I can speak more candidly! OP what are you thinking? Think long term, think beyond the wedding. Think of your ongoing mental health by staying in this scenario. How is that going to look in real terms? Do you truly value yourself so little that you feel this is a fair marriage? One where you are constantly the apologising under-appreciated insignificant half? What message does that send to you about your worth and what message does it in turn send to your children about how we value ourselves?
You know, I know, your own therapist knows and all of MN knows this is a dangerous and unbalanced pairing. You need to step away from the wedding and from him. Your therapist cannot tell you what to do, and neither can I, but we can do our damnest to help you see this for what it is. I wonder what have your messages been about love and worth as you grew up, are you repeating a cycle of abuse you witnessed in younger years? How did marriage even become a possibility with this man? Neither of you are happy so step away while it's just an engagement, consider how much worse divorce would be as he is showing you he would easily lie and manipulate that situation too, which would be so much harder to handle. If he loved you he wouldn't put you through any of this. Leave and learn to love yourself without a guy, your PMDD will leave too I'd bet.

Probably cos he's got you doubting up is up and down is down and grass is green and sky is blue.

The writing is six foot high in neon pink... Hit the fuck it button and get out, nothing he can say can be trusted, let him rant and rave, just drop the rope and run run run.

Honestly OP when I saw your thread title I was ready to say don’t worry, I think most people probably have at least a moment of “omg marriage” before the big day, it’s a big commitment, and some pre-wedding nerves are totally normal, however having read the entire post and your updates, please do not marry this man.

He’s controlling and abusive and that will only get worse once you’re tied to him in marriage and especially once you’re living together. Your family want YOU to be happy, more than they want a big wedding day. X

I mean no way would I move in a man to my children’s home that I had just MARRIED but NEVER lived with him

unbelievable and yes… mind boggling

Tell your sister exactly how he treats you. Cancel the wedding.

you May or may not have ‘bad’ weeks. However nobody is entitled to sexually put pressure on you. Emotionally manipulating you when you don’t reciprocate or don’t do so how they want you to. He pressured you into sex and blocked you on WhatsApp when things didn’t go how he wanted.

call your sister
cancel the wedding - he can I cancel but you do t have to turn up!
change the locks on the door
email him to inform him it will not be going ahead and to not contact you further. That he has been behaving abusive and with coercive control and should he persist in contacting you, you will go to the police.

get rid asap. He sounds awful.

protect your children
protect your money
protect your home and safe space for you and your children

Just try this idea on for size... Wouldn't it be wonderful if the wedding reception was your I'm Free Party?
Tantalising, no?

Get yourself out of this op.

Bloody hell - me and dp are lucky if we get a chance and both feel up for it once a week! I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to (for whatever reason) and neither would he. When you factor in full time jobs, teenagers (mine) and various medication (him) the stars don't align that often but that's fine - we enjoy it when they do!

The fact that your idiot partner feels sex is owed to him on a daily basis is disgusting. He needs to join Tinder if that's all he's interested in, although I doubt anyone would be interested in him.

Sorry to hear your problems. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship, and he sounds a bit selfish if he can't manage without sex for a couple of nights when you don't feel up to it. The only advice I will offer is not to get married just to please other people - it is unlikely to work. If you are getting married it should be because you can't bear to be apart from a person, and want to share everything with them - not because it is expected, or would displease people if you didn't get get married. GL

You'd be better off alone and celibate forever than stuck in a marriage with this abusive prick. They don't get better after marriage my love, they get worse.

Once you're married he'll feel entitled to your body, moreso than he already does. My fear would be that the attempts at persuasion (read: coercion) would end and he'd be far more brazen in his repeated sexual assaulting of you. Because that's what sex that you've been bullied and badgered into is.

Get rid, set yourself free. Your anxiety is not your PMDD talking, it's your brain screaming at you to get away from this man before it's too late. Please listen to it.

Since you're looking for consensus on this issue OP, I'll add mine:

CANCEL THE WEDDING!!!!

Do NOT marry this man, he's controlling and abusive and if you think things are bad now, don't even consider marrying and moving in together. After reading your OP I thought 'Oh God please tell me you don't have kids with this man' and then you said that not only do you not have kids, but you don't even live together. This is great news! Please cancel the wedding the today and end the relationship. Your instincts are screaming at you to do it and have been, by the sounds of it, for at least a year. Heed them! They're trying to protect you from making a massive, costly and extremely personally damaging mistake

Unless you would move away from your children to live with him, then neither would you!
I assumed you were commenting on the not living together before marriage element, and it's not unusual. So your comment seemed odd.

Thank you, I find it so hard because I know my therapist doesn't want me to marry him but she also can't say that. She keeps talking to me about how I take on too much blame and how you can't fix a relationship from one side, we are working hard on helping me to see what is mine and what is coming from him.

She is very professional but even she slipped out with - God he is so insecure -one day, she immediately apologised for being unprofessional but honestly it helped because knowing she sees it too means I am not imagining it.

I'd be tempted to share this thread with all wedding guests your sister, so she can support you in the way you need and deserve.

Please don't marry him OP. Your instincts are doing you a favour here.

The plus side is if you don't live with him you can just change the locks.

You may lose the wedding costs but the wedding costs plus locks will be cheaper than a divorce.

Ring around and cancel the wedding this morning. Send him a message telling him it’s over and that you have cancelled the wedding and don’t wish to see him again.

Just saw this one. There's no real difference though is there? You're still moving a man in, you've presumably been in a relationship with him and spent time with him and them, so you've got the measure of him.

In this case, OP can see that he's unsuitable and dangerous, so can avoid marrying him.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes I was diagnosed with PMDD before I married DH. It was a nightmare and I don’t think we’d have got married if I didn’t sort it (HRT for hell week every month). If it’s hell week then I’d be mindful of how you’re feeling. But generally I don’t think he sounds like the supportive loving partner you deserve.

OP you need to cancel the wedding. This man is abusive and vile. You deserve better. Don't worry about the money, just cancel and finish with him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

FFS woman NO. Do not marry him.
He is not capable of living with an equal in any way.
Will your Teens support you and help you disconnect from this abuse?

Cancel.
Be ready to call 999 if he gets aggressive

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes I think most of us have been there as therapists when clients have a clear solution but just keep coming back week on week feeling they're stuck (in your case the clear solution is leave and keep yourself safe by speaking up to your family and friends). Consider this a favour to you and your therapist- leave and see yourself grow and blossom in ways you never imagined possible. Do not add marriage and divorce into the mix, they will not help. I wish you the best as you make your decisions this week.

I have tried a couple of different pills and some Venlfaxedine which I had to stop because I was getting constant twitches in my leg.

I am reluctant to try SSRIs because they are well known for affecting the sex drives and well you can tell from the thread that wouldn't be acceptable.

Working with my therapist is helping a lot but it just seems now I can't ever call him out on anything without him brushing it off with - it's just hell week. - Hell week which apparently moves to suit him.

I am considering the injections but again if menopause affects my sex drive then it will just make everything worse.

Don’t marry him; if you still have the old thread then reread all that advice as well and take it

re your therapist's comment:
"She keeps talking to me about how I take on too much blame and how you can't fix a relationship from one side, we are working hard on helping me to see what is mine and what is coming from him".

He targeted you and deliberately so OP; he further learnt how you take on too much blame and trying to fix things from one side. All this and more besides went onto make you very attractive to this man in order to abuse you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse and or poor life experience to date, are being deliberately and further eroded by this abusive man now. Your body and mind are screaming at you to call the wedding off and you must do this. I would also think that one or two of your friends have their own private based suspicions about this man too.