Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Please. We are all here for you. Not one person has said to marry him. It's not you it's HIM. Definitely HIM.

I rent my home from a housing association, he owns his. I would never give up my secure tenancy to move in with a man unless the house was half mine and I had as much right to stay as he did. My kids having a roof over their head is very important to me (obviously)

I have a pension and he doesn't so I think in terms of a divorce we would leave with what we came with.

Jesus....

Please don't go through with this. He'll make your life hell.

He “can’t risk a third night of no sex”?

OP, there are more red flags in this post than at a Communist parade. Do NOT marry this man.

Oh my god OP please don't marry this man. I'm sure your friends and family would rather "waste" some money and effort than see you miserable for years. The money has been spent either way. Get out now.

Do not marry this man. Things will only get worse when he feels he has more control over you. He is an abuser already- you do not need to have bruises for a man to be an abuser.
This guy is a gaslighter- diagnosing you with BPD??? lol is he a psychiatrist? He can fuck off with that and PMDD isn’t present all the time (my daughter has it). He’s a wanker and you need to run away. Very fast. Don’t look back. You are better off without an abusive monster in your life.
Do not worry about family/friends- they will support you once they realise what you have been going through. No, it won’t be easy to call off the wedding, BUT it will be a damn site easier than going through a divorce when he does get worse. Because he will. Men like this always do.
read- Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Lots of free PDF links online to it. It’s eye opening.
I hope you do the right thing. 🤍

Tell your sister EVERYTHING.

Don't spare any of the details, however shameful or embarrassing you might find them.

Your therapist is right that marriage doesn't have to be forever, but if you have kept your finances separate until now to protect your children's financial interests, marriage could bugger all that up.

For example:

What if you get married on Saturday and then you die in a freak accident on Sunday? Marriage invalidates any previous will you have made, if you have made one, and if you die intestate your husband will inherit all or most of your estate rather than your children.

If you want to protect your children and you don't see this marriage working out long term, don't go through with the wedding.

Why on earth would you consider marrying a man who has urges to rape you and then move your kids in with him?

Jesus. Just tell him to fuck off and block him everywhere. You owe him nothing.

I understand it's difficult.

But, asupportive, loving partner would be understanding and respectful of your needs. It's normal for one person to initiate sex. It's normal for the other yo not be up for it. In those circumstances, its normal for the initiating person to stop and cuddle, stroke your back eycwithout any expectations that that will lead to a change of heart.

It is not normal for that person to continue to pester nor for them to physically shake the 'bad thoughts' from their head.

For a start, that doesn't work. You can't shake thoughts out of your head!

Put bluntly, the 'bad thoughts' he refers to can only be to hurt you. In a sexual context, what other 'bad thoughts' are there? I'd personally assume it was an implicit rape threat and one which I would expect to become more of an issue once you are 'husband and wife'.

Is this really what you imagined your future marriage to look like? Do you feel safe with him?

Sadly - I already own that book. My children's dad was not a nice man. I will dust it off because I clearly need a refresher. I also have the freedom program one.

It is so much easier to recognise abuse when it's physical.

He honestly speaks to you like that? You’re none of those things OP - he is the vile revolting disgusting pathetic weak excuse for a human being.
What a nasty controlling bully - please don’t marry this creature. As difficult as it will be right now, cancel your wedding and never look back.

It’s much easier to call off a wedding than to marry someone knowing you’re making a mistake and then spend the next god-knows-how-long trying to extricate yourself from it.

Some people will huff and puff and grumble about the expense; that’s just human nature. They will understand though that marrying the wrong man is the wrong thing to do. Let your sister/mum/whoever fill the guests in on the reason you’ve cancelled. This is his shame, not yours.

My DD has PMDD and her partner behaves in a similar way to @AdamRyan’s. If I thought for one second he was treating her like yours does, I would be kicking his arse from here to eternity, and doing anything I could to stop her marrying him.

I posted it so you can see it is him and not your pmdd.

Pmdd is awful, and hard for people around you to live with as well as you. But if he loved you, he'd be concerned about you and taking care of you when it is bad.

Not abusing you, insulting you and making you feel ashamed for an illness you can't control.

Being cared for by the person who is meant to love you most in the world is the minimum you should expect and it shows how much of a number he's done on you that you don't feel you deserve that.

Leave him and never look back! He is abusing you, gaslighting you and raping you! Yes, he is raping you. In Sweden he could be imprisoned for what he is doing to you. Please leave him NOW, for your safety and sanity.

Well he'll just have to go on his own then, won't he? What's he going to do? Drag you there by the hair?
Please don't go ahead with this, he's an abusive bastard. Phone women's aid for help or join the freedom program. Sending hugs

Trust your gut.

If he does love you, and in a year's time you feel ready to formalise the relationship, you have lost nothing.

However, I suspect that things will get worse, and it will benefit you to stay legally unentangled as much as possible.

Every single person I know who considered cancelling a wedding should have done do as none of the relationships worked out.

The 3 people I know who cancelled before the wedding are much happier and never once regretted it.

Ring your parents and tell them that at best he is a sex pest, abuser. And you cannot go through with the wedding.

Ring everyone and be honest, tell them he is manipulative and you are not getting married.

Good luck

Could you tell us what you love about him? Or even like about him? If you don't like him or love him, then why are you staying to be abused by this utter, utter wanker?

Man here, so male perspective.

I really would think hard about calling off the wedding. Your partner sounds to me like a nasty piece of work, he should not be expecting to have sex and then being grumpy / snappy when it doesn't happen - in a healthy relationship sex should be a mutual, loving thing, not forced or coerced in any way.

The big alarm for me though is that you don't live together, if he is behaving like this now just think how unpleasant it could be going forward.

You rightly want to safeguard your children's safe, happy home life, and I think you will be putting this in jeopardy.

I would call it off and get away from this toxic relationship, embarassing and awkward yes, but nowhere near as bad as the fallout further down the road.

Sincere best wishes.

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship before perhaps you need therapy to help understand why you end up in these relationships. And perhaps think about not dating until your kids are grown up. It’s selfish to subject them to an abusive partner, they can’t choose who lives in their own home or escape.

Oh jeez, I remember you previous thread.

Even just reading this thread makes my skin crawl.

You sound so so close to being able to break free of him. You are doing so well, you CAN do this.

Any true family member or friend would be horrified to know the real situation and would absolutely be desperate for you to cancel the wedding. The ONLY reason they are excited is because they don't have the full picture (and I am not blaming you, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I hid it from everyone, I totally understand).

Ummm @WhereAreMyRunningShoes you've frightened me talking about "everyone would get what they came with" in a divorce...don't be thinking you can sort this out later. Sort it out now.

He WOULD almost certainlly be entitled to half your pension if he doesn't have one of his own.

Forget about labelling it as abuse then.

Are you happy?

Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?

Do you really want him living with your childen?

Do you want to tie yourself to him legally and financially?

Yes, you can divorce but look how difficult it is for you to make the decision not to get marries in the first place! Look at how he reacted when you previously cancelled the wedding! This is a man who would make divorce almost impossible.

Do not marry him!

I wouldn't care about the lost money if you were my relative. I would be more concerned you nearly went through with it. I'd be scared at the narrow escape you'd had. Terrified of the future you would have had had you gone through with it.

Cancel the wedding today, preferably this morning.