Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Cancel the wedding! Tell your friends and family you’re are postponing if you find it too difficult to explain everything upfront. Absolutely do not marry this twat of a man.

Thank God you are not living with him. There's no way you should be marrying him. He sounds like a complete nightmare. Can you imagine being financially entangled with him and trying to get out?

This is sexual abuse. He’s coercing you into sex.

please please please do not marry him.

you are suffering already and I absolutely guarantee your children will suffer once he has his feet under the table.

Oh Op this is awful.

Please don't marry your abuser.

Don't marry him.
Get a support team round you like a good friend (one who is annoying practical and doesn't get dramatic) and begin unravelling this.
It feels like a horror story now and easier to go through with it, but the horror will be him moving in permanently.
You can stop this and have a happier life.

Get married. Don’t get married.

but whatever you do, PLEASE do not bring children in to this “relationship”

@flaxentoad do you really think this is an appropriate thread to be playing around with fucking AI?

He sounds like a gaslighting fucker as well!! For that alone you should cancel the wedding!

Add in the sex pest part and you should run far away too.

Please don't go ahead with it.

My bad week is any time I question him. He seems to have mostly settled on the 25th and I can agree I do struggle but PMDD doesn't make me imagine things, it just makes me less tolerant of them. That's how my therapist explained it anyway.

Postpone the wedding as this is unhealthy especially for your DC to have to live with this man. I suggest you live together first to see how it goes. Your family and friends will be more annoyed if they actually go to a wedding that they give gifts and money for, when you end up splitting up soon after.

He sounds awful, please don’t marry him. No one has the right to pester you for sex. You always have the right to say no.

You are not his service human! Imagine going through the next forty years of being with a sex pest. This is not someone who has any respect for you as an equal person with needs and wants. The consensus is to cancel the wedding, he is not the man for you.
Yes, family and friends will be disappointed about the wedding, but no one wants you to sacrifice yourself on the wedding altar so that they can have a celebration day.
Phone a friend and get cracking!

Why?

I didn't live with my husband till we got married. It's perfectly normal.

It just seems so clear cut writing it down. Those are the FACTS and everyone agrees that getting married would be the wrong move.

My PMDD doesn't affect the FACT of the situation, the things that were actually said and done. It only affects my feelings and reactions. So if all of you think the same having ready the facts, then it can't just be my PMDD clouding my judgement.

I think I am going to talk to my sister, I don't tell anyone our problems because I don't want to make hi look bad if its just me being irrational.

Absolutely cancel the wedding. You can tell your relatives his mask didnt start to slip until he clearly thought it was too late to cancel.

he is awful.

The people who love you wouldn't want this for you.

You aren't married.
You don't live together.
He doesn't respect you.
Dump him.
Be honest with your family and friends about the gaslighting and sexual coercion/ bullying.
Focus on therapy

I got halfway through.
You can either let that be the last time he puts pressure on you like that - or you can marry him and that can be your life forever

Nothing you've described here is an otherwise healthy relationship being skewed by pmdd. The dynamic is blame, deflection, dodging responsibility and poor self awareness, pmdd or not that's nothing you want to commit to.
Don't worry about your friends and family, nobody would rather you went ahead with a marriage you didn't want, you can even still have the party!
In your shoes I'd get some distance, I don't think the pmdd is the only thing giving you cause to doubt your judgement, you need to get away from his narrative so you can get the perspective you need to see if there is any truth in it for yourself. He's overriding your judgement but not in a supportive good way cos you're in the thick of the pmdd but in a bad railroading you way.

Cancel the wedding, box up any of his stuff and send it to him, delete his number and block it, block him on all social media, email and anywhere else he could contact you. If he has a key to your place then get the locks changed. Never see or speak to this man again. I can't believe you are even questioning this - could you imagine if this was happening to your child or one of your relatives or friends, and what you would be advising them?!

If you think his behaviour is difficult now, can you imagine what it will be like living with him 24/7 and being legally tied to him? A man like that should be nowhere near your children.

No, he's gaslighting you and you can see what's happening, you are doubting yourself and reality. That kind of reaction over sex isn't normal, he's guilting you into performing. Your role in life isn't to serve him.

Having experienced it myself for over a decade, you won't be able to discuss anything it will always be used against you. When you stand your ground, they get angry, threaten to leave anything to cause as much chaos as possible so you back down.

I had a thread about him about year ago and I will never forget the consensus was to leave him and I wish I had listened. At the time I was keeping a spreadsheet of how often we had sex because he was always saying we NEVER have sex. Despite it being on average 5 times a week, A poster on the thread named it the Fucking Frequency Spreadsheet and honestly why did I not get out right then!

Absolutely do not marry him.

Imagine what this manipulative and sexually controlling pig will be like if you do. Your life would be hell.

Stop it now and don’t worry about other people (that’s people pleasing).

Stand up for yourself and be proud of your convictions.

Instinctively you know all of this already.

You definitely need to run for the hills.

If your guests at all care about you they would rather lose money on any bookings and save the fancy clothes for another time.
If you were my neice, for example I would have been excited about a family event but I wouldn't want you to commit to life with an a$$hole of this calibre, who is abusing and gaslighting you, just so you didn't waste some of my money.

Cancel the wedding, in fact cancel the relationship, he sounds unbearable. Why would you want to take on a sulky child

just dump him, you will feel much better