Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Thank you, i can't imagine how frustrating it is to watch and not be able to shake your client. I feel like my therapist truly cares and wants me to get better and we are working so hard together.

This is a horrible and dysfunctional relationship. He is a nasty, coercive, gaslighting bully and you should absolutely NOT marry this man.

You have had some excellent advice here and I'm going to add my own: do not marry this man, he is bad.

What have I read? No, don't marry him, this would be a dreadful mistake. You deserve more than being a human sex doll for this weirdo.

Abusers do terrible harm to both mind and body and he's taken your confirmed PMDD diagnosis to further bash you about your head with; he has weaponised this against you.

Seriously reading this has made me have such a strong reaction so goodness how you feel.

Your PMDD and him being an abusive vile excuse are two separate things.

Please don't marry him. Please. Your life will truly be awful. This is not your happy ending.

It will be hard no doubt but it would be absolutely tragic if you spend any longer with this man child (and lots of other words I shouldn't put in writing).

Even if you didn't suffer with PMDD he sounds awful. Constant pestering for sex which will be horrendous once you are sharing a bed every night. All the gas- lighting too.... it sounds like your gut is screaming at you to not marry him and you should listen.
Call off the wedding - do not focus on what other people might think or say - this is your life to live and you deserve to feel happy and safe.

Pestering you for sex and then stopping you from sleeping is down right abusive.

cancel the wedding

Thank you all so much. I woke up this morning feeling like I am drowning and I feel so much better.

It's kind of like I am on the beach and my head goes under the water, I panic and start flailing because I think I am drowning. But really I can just stand up and the water is only up-to my waist. It felt scary and like I would drown because the PMDD (the water) but the way out is clear. I just need to stand up and walk out.

Do not marry this man. He is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you in order to force you to have sex with him. Message your sister and ask her to tell your guests that the wedding is off and to contact the venue etc. It will be money well spent not to tie yourself legally to this guy. If he has keys then change the locks on your house, block him everywhere and stay away from him.

Fucking hell.

OP, you need this man OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He's dangerous.

Couldn’t read and not comment. Please don’t marry this man who is abusive and making you miserable. This is not you it is him. If your friends and family knew this they wouldn’t be excited about the wedding.

I've only read one page of this thread and I urge you to listen to your gut. You write articulately and you know what you're talking about. He sounds vile and he will only get worse when you live with him. I wish I had listened to my gut and cancelled my wedding. Divorce is so much more difficult. Your friends and family will understand. Do not put their feelings first!

My main concern is his need to blame everything on pmdd and take no accountability for his actions. I'm also concerned he tried to convince you that you have BPD. Trying to convince your partner they have a mental illness and aren't capable of understanding or recollecting an event is literally the definition of Gaslighting, and further more is a very serious sign of mental abuse.
Maybe you should imagine your sister or best friend was getting married. They've told you all the things you're saying about your partner. Would you tell them to go through with it or would you reassure them that it's never too late to leave and be safe?

It truly is never too late to leave and yes friends family might be excited but that's because they're excited for the idea that you are marrying someone you love and that loves and respects you. They wouldn't feel the same if they knew the truth. They would be worried and want the best for you.

so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts")

This behaviour goes on for HOURS? Pestering you for sex then huffing with you that you aren’t overcome with desire for an abusive weirdo?

Also, what kind of bad thoughts? Does he fantasise about raping you or beating you?

Please don’t marry this man. Run away and don’t look back.

Do not marry him.

if you marry him you’ll be spending a shedload of cash trying to divorce him, he’ll drag you down and try and take everything you have now that gives you stability. And do not buy a house with him.

why would you marry a man who badgers you for sex? And gaslights you over it?

I hate people who justify your normal reaction and upset at their behaviour as PMT/divorce/stress/menopause. no you’re behaving like a wanker, my normal behaviour is closely in line with how anyone would react in my position.

tell your friends and family. And cancel the wedding. Cancel the wedding and let him know after it’s done.

pack his shit up in bin liners. And take time out of relationships for a while. At least till you reach a point where you trust yourself and don’t believe a gaslighting abuser telling you your normal reactions are crazy.

Run OP run whilst you have a good chance.

It is possible that this man who is unpleasant now will become gradually dangerous to you. You may not notice how it deteriorates until you are bruised and bleeding.

I know it's just a little detail in what is a detailed description of several types of abuse but...how can you marry someone who has blocked you on WhatsApp? Your supposed life partner and soon to be next of kin has blocked you on a messaging app?

Just leave. The fact you have never moved in together suggests deep down you have always known this isn't working- trust your gut.

I didn't want to give up my children's secure stable home incase it did't work out...

This was very sensible and insightful of you. Stick with this instinct and get away from him. Thank goodness you can escape.

OP, stand up, stand up and walk away. You've got this. He is an abuser and he is exploiting your PMDD. Don't let him gaslight you.

Your so-called partner is a disgusting, gaslighting abuser who has targeted your vulnerability and is ruthlessly exploiting your illness for his own gain.

It is not normal, in the run up to a wedding, to have to be navigating the kind of shit he is putting you through every day. Think about it - this is the time when you should be at your happiest and most secure together, knowing you’re about to commit yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives.

Instead he has got you modifying your behaviour everywhere, coercing you into sex (actually an offence), and not knowing which way is up. That is not how a bride to be normally feels!

You have to call off the wedding and boot him out of your life. You will find your mental health improves significantly immediately, I promise you. And continue with your therapist, who sounds great. She will help you to never subjugate yourself to a man again. You are worth so much more.

I couldn’t not comment - I can’t believe what I’m reading, abusers like this should be locked up. Please don’t marry him, it reads like you know it would be a mistake and the only thing holding you back is what - fear of the embarrassment of cancelling a wedding?! I think you know that is a beyond terrible reason to go through with a marriage to a man you know is abusing you. This reads like you’re scared of cancelling the wedding (even though you want to) - in fact, you should be terrified of what will happen if you don’t cancel. Once you are married this sexual abuse will get a hundred times worse and you’re more trapped than now. Escape while you can OP

Please do not go through with this wedding.
I felt like you 43 years ago and was too scared to let everyone down. I knew it was the wrong thing to do as I stood at the aisle in my big white dress. After the inevitable horrid few years and divorce my parents told me I should have told them and they would have cancelled it all for me.
Dont marry him

How is it PMDD (what is that?) that HE blocked you, he left the house etc?

You should run now while you still can.