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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't think I can go through with Wedding

460 replies

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 08:58

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 31/10/2023 17:06

Bottom line OP as yourself if you would be happy to have your daughter to marry an abusive man like this or would you want your son to act like this vile man ? If the answer is no, why is this man allowed in your life ? Today he bullies you, marry him and he will start on your children.

Farmageddon · 31/10/2023 17:16

OP the only reason your family don't hate him is they don't know what he's really like. Once they know they will understand why you want to leave. Nobody cares about a cancelled wedding really - the people who really love you will just be relieved that you are not marrying this arsehole.

When you are wavering, just think of your previous thread - and what you said about how you look back and wished that you had done something then instead of still being in this situation a year later...you can do something now to change things by not going through with the wedding, by taking control of your life and getting rid of him. This time next year you will be free of him and so much happier.

I hope you get the support in real life you need to leave him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2023 17:18

I hope you’re ok and sorting your life out. Sending strength. Flowers

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 31/10/2023 17:20

Don’t go through with it. Divorce is not easy or cheap.
Even the marriages that start with two people sure they want to be married can go south, so you aren’t even starting with that. Just don’t do it. The people who love you will accept your decision.

frazzledasarock · 31/10/2023 17:26

Actually I just remembered, my dear friend is divorcing a really abusive STBXH.

She’s been wanting to divorce him for a while and he had her convinced that she was gonig crazy because of the menopause, and she didn’t know her own mind.

She spent several years second guessing herself putting up really awful abusive behaviour because he has her convinced she was suffering from a chemical imbalance.

Shes resolute in getting free of him now.

Charlingspont · 31/10/2023 17:30

It's not right to go into a marriage trying to reassure yourself that "it doesn't have to be forever".

As a pp said, get your lovely sister to call round for you. People will understand, (some might even be relieved because not everyone enjoys these things!) and if they've booked accommodation, maybe they can either get a refund, or still use it as a holiday if not.

Honestly, his going on all night about sex until you agree is awful. And lying about not having said things.

Don't marry him. These are huge, blaring, massive, unmissable, red flags waving in your face.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 17:33

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes PP's are also right that you might find out once you dump him that family and friends weren't as keen on him as you thought. That was my experience after I dumped one bloke who'd convinced me he was really popular.

Hottytotty · 31/10/2023 17:54

Others may have recommended this (I’ve only read your comments) but I’d show your sister this thread. She needs to know everything.
Your PMDD is irrelevant here really. However badly you behave with it, it doesn’t give him an excuse to attempt to force you to have sex with him without consent (ie attempted rape). You need to leave. Now.

Milarky · 31/10/2023 18:10

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 09:19

I had a thread about him about year ago and I will never forget the consensus was to leave him and I wish I had listened. At the time I was keeping a spreadsheet of how often we had sex because he was always saying we NEVER have sex. Despite it being on average 5 times a week, A poster on the thread named it the Fucking Frequency Spreadsheet and honestly why did I not get out right then!

Oh darling. Please please leave him while you can!!! Second time lucky.

Do you even enjoy having sex with him? Sounds coercive.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:39

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 12:40

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

People say all the time we are the cutest couple they know, relationship goals, how great he is with the kids.

Noone sees this side of him, I think it will be a big shock to many.

Show quote history

OP, you can work with your sister or your therapist for a form of words which gets across the idea that things are not what they seem.

I promise you there are ways to indicate quite obliquely to your own friends and family what's really going on, without being specific.

"Hello everyone - I'm so sorry to have to tell you that my wedding to X next week won't be going ahead. I've struggled for many months with this decision but have always been persuaded to go ahead. Now, though, friends and family who have my best interests at heart have convinced me that none of you would want me to commit to a future that I already know will not be good for me or my children."

Just a first pass and obviously you can also completely rewrite this (though I would keep 'or my children' as that indicates something important about his character). But honestly, there is a way to do this that will be bearable. And you will be free.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/10/2023 20:04

You know what you need to do @WhereAreMyRunningShoes you just need to trust yourself and do what's right for you. He may be nice part of the time but he's a nasty bastard when it comes to sex and it will only get worse with time. Please tell your Sister everything, I'm sure she'll help you get free. Be brave, your life could be so much better

mooneigh · 01/11/2023 08:28

If it is like this and you are not living with him then I hate to think what it would be if you did live with him. Also if married, I bet he would then feel he 'owned you' so he would not resist to go further.

Also, if he couldn't take his sexual frustration out on you, what is not to say he wouldn't then take it out on your children if you were all living with him.

Zanatdy · 01/11/2023 08:33

Do not marry this guy, when you explain to your friends they will understand, and if they don’t, we’ll they aren’t that good a friend in the first place. The pressure to have sex is disgusting, he sounds disgusting. Marrying him will be a huge mistake. My friends daughter called off her wedding, people were shocked but it was the right decision. She’s now married to someone else, has a baby and is very happy. Another friend married a guy when she knew it was a mistake, it lasted 6wks and caused a lot more upset than if she called off the wedding

ns87 · 01/11/2023 09:11

I hope you're doing okay OP?

chocorabbit · 01/11/2023 09:50

I know OP you might not read this but please listen to everybody. Many times a year there are threads asking what was the thing you have regretted doing the most. About 90% of the posts are women going ahead with a wedding. Some of them only had nerves and it was not even as bad as yours before it soon became worse! I was shocked to see that NONE whatsoever said "Oh well, it was just nerves but in the end everything was fine and we have been happily married for 20 years now.".

  1. Cancel the wedding.

  2. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he tries to re-instate it he will be standing waiting for you looking like an idiot.

  3. Inform all the guests about the cancellation (say it's very personal and serious and might explain in the future but you are in a really bad place now) and tell him you have done so, so there is no reason for him to even try to invite them back.

Good luck Flowers

NettleTea · 01/11/2023 11:22

I hope you are OK OP and that you did get time to contact your sister.

I have a horrible suspicion that this man came crawling back and explained how you had driven him to behaving like that, blaming your PMDD, and jeopadising your meet up. And has proceeded to love bomb you. He has alot to lose, and only a few more days to railroad you through to the other side of marriage.

I hope that if thats the case you can take this thread and show it to the therapist.

mooneigh · 01/11/2023 12:55

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes Please give us an update and let us all know you are ok and you had that chat with your sister last night and your therapist today ?

Leopardpj · 01/11/2023 19:50

I really hope you’re doing ok OP. I hope you told your sister what is going on and that you’re finding the strength to do what needs to be done. If you haven’t shared this with your sister yet please do x

MaidOfSteel · 01/11/2023 20:28

I've been thinking about you today, OP. How are you doing?

harerunner · 02/11/2023 07:39

Daffodil18 · 31/10/2023 09:12

Postpone the wedding as this is unhealthy especially for your DC to have to live with this man. I suggest you live together first to see how it goes. Your family and friends will be more annoyed if they actually go to a wedding that they give gifts and money for, when you end up splitting up soon after.

And the award for worst advice of the week goes to..... Hmm

Ffs, you don't postpone a wedding and move in with an abuser like this man, you cancel it and end the relationship!

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 02/11/2023 07:44

I’m hoping we haven’t heard from the OP because she is busy cancelling the wedding.

I’m afraid it’s because he’s got to her and the wedding is back on.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/11/2023 08:54

Yes, I fear that in 6, 12, 18 months' time the OP will be back with a thread about how much more awful things have got since the wedding.

I really hope though that she's cancelled and not been persuaded by this absolute shit of a man that he'll change, things will be different, if she would only not be so terrible, if she wasn't so unbearable, and she continues to blame herself for his nastiness.

NettleTea · 02/11/2023 10:02

AFieldGuideToTrees · 02/11/2023 08:54

Yes, I fear that in 6, 12, 18 months' time the OP will be back with a thread about how much more awful things have got since the wedding.

I really hope though that she's cancelled and not been persuaded by this absolute shit of a man that he'll change, things will be different, if she would only not be so terrible, if she wasn't so unbearable, and she continues to blame herself for his nastiness.

and that she cant leave because she has given up her house and rents are so high she cant find anywhere to go to.
I really think he is likely to start on alienating the kids next, once he feels OP has no escape.

L0bstersLass · 02/11/2023 10:41

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:39

OP, you can work with your sister or your therapist for a form of words which gets across the idea that things are not what they seem.

I promise you there are ways to indicate quite obliquely to your own friends and family what's really going on, without being specific.

"Hello everyone - I'm so sorry to have to tell you that my wedding to X next week won't be going ahead. I've struggled for many months with this decision but have always been persuaded to go ahead. Now, though, friends and family who have my best interests at heart have convinced me that none of you would want me to commit to a future that I already know will not be good for me or my children."

Just a first pass and obviously you can also completely rewrite this (though I would keep 'or my children' as that indicates something important about his character). But honestly, there is a way to do this that will be bearable. And you will be free.

Show quote history

The example message here is excellent.
I do hope your sister was supportive OP and that you've found the courage to call this off.

FiloPasty · 02/11/2023 12:11

Thinking about you too, I hope you’ve built up the courage.

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