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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't think I can go through with Wedding

460 replies

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 08:58

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 31/10/2023 14:36

Apossum · 31/10/2023 09:03

Don’t marry him, don’t, don’t, don’t. As above, easier to never marry him than to marry him then divorce. Don’t tie yourself to this horrible man and don’t risk your children’s stability for this!

This

PonkyPonky · 31/10/2023 14:41

I have PMDD…. It’s never caused my husband to be a bastard. Do not marry this man, you deserve so much more than this.
Side note: since I went on amitriptyline and got a mirena coil, the PMDD symptoms have almost been eradicated. But do that for you, not this prick!

Bookworm20 · 31/10/2023 14:45

I'm another one OP. Please do not marry this man.
He doesn't care about you at all.

You are simply a possession that he has to enjoy at his will. Thats likely why there are good times too, because those benefit him. As soon as it doesn't, he turns abusive.

Just imagine it was your sister in your exact situation adns he was telling you all this. You'd be telling her to cancel the wedding. And be doing all you can to support her.
Please tell your sister everything tonight, and your therapist tomorrow if you need that professional closure.

And abusive men so often come across to everyone else as perfect and wonderful. Thats how they get away with it for so long and how their partners question and question themselves and struggle to convince themselves that these things are not ok.

The nice things he does, when its all going well and lovely, are diluted by the bad. To the point when they simply stop counting, because 1 bad thing can undo 100 nice things in a heartbeat.

AgnesX · 31/10/2023 15:03

I didn't stop to find the message where you've backtracked and said "oh but he's a lovely bloke the rest of the time". There is one isn't there?.....

Do you want to spend your time waiting for him to be a lovely bloke when he's not being the complete gaslighting shit that he's been lately. A bit of clear sightedness shows this and has nothing to do with any MH issues you have.

Please don't go through with this. If you really must just delay it. Whatever else you do don't do it on Saturday.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 31/10/2023 15:16

OP, in all my arguments with DP he has never ever blocked me on WhatsApp. There's a hell of a lot more wrong with what your 'D'P is doing but that is so bloody telling for me.

You're about to marry someone but a few weeks before you're blocking contact with them? Nup.

Run.

Run.

Run.

Fuck what other people think/feel about the wedding - just because they are excited to go to a big party does not mean they are excited for you to get bogged down by manipulative and abusive tool.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 15:19

You

have

got

to

leave.

cestlavielife · 31/10/2023 15:21

Agree with above. Save your dc from this man and save yourself

Doormatnomore · 31/10/2023 15:30

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 12:40

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

People say all the time we are the cutest couple they know, relationship goals, how great he is with the kids.

Noone sees this side of him, I think it will be a big shock to many.

Show quote history

Do not worry about this. We had an uncle in the family who we all loved and adored, Christmases, holidays the whole nine yards. Then my aunty got really really drunk and told her sister what he was really like. There and then we didn’t love and adore him anymore. I was a teenager and it taught me a lot about “what goes on behind closed doors”.

I am not qualified to say but I’d lay good money that once you get clear of this relationship you’re mental health will take a massive turn for the better.

Swedemom · 31/10/2023 15:32

No abuser is bad all the time, that is how they hook you and brainwash you. But listen to all of us here; there is no way this will end in a good way. He hasn't hit you, YET. He hasn't raped you, YET. But do you really want to wait until he does? Leave now when it is relatively easy. Once you are tied to him throgh marriage and living together it will be much harder.

theresastormcoming · 31/10/2023 15:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

titchy · 31/10/2023 15:43

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 09:02

We don't have children together. I have older teens. We also don't live together yet, I didn't want to give up my children's secure stable home incase it did't work out so we were planning to buy together after the wedding.

Well thank goodness for that.

He's abusive. And I don't say that lightly. It'll get worse once you have no way out.

pearldiamond · 31/10/2023 15:52

Not rtfl

You want to marry him.... why?

Although glad to see you're having second thoughts.

He sounds like a cunt

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 15:57

In your place I would ask lovely sister to call all of the guests to advise them the wedding is off. She can field any kind phone calls checking in with you.

All you have to do is put the cancellation in writing to the venue etc and seek/return whatever you can.

Your dp is an abuser and a sex pest.
You are not so much cancelling the wedding as pressing eject though the escape hatch just in time. I can’t imagine what married life would look and feel like with this predator.

longtompot · 31/10/2023 15:59

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2023 12:57

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes

She always reassures me that people will not care if I cancel the wedding, she also reassures me that even if I get married it doesn't have to be forever.

Kinda sounds to me as if your DSis already knows you shouldn't be marrying this man. And I agree with her, people won't care if you cancel. They'll actually be relieved that you had the courage to NOT make a mistake that could ruin your happiness and that of your children.

I wish I'd had that courage decades ago with my exH. As I was walking down the aisle my mind was screaming "Turn around and run!!!". As the minister asked me "Do you take this man?" my mind was screaming "NO!". Luckily I was young and there were no DC, but I wasted 5 years of my life and wrecked my self esteem in the process. Don't make my mistake. It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

Thank you for posting this. I was trying to find this quote as I too felt her sister knew what he was like.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes I am sure you have read the many, many posts from women on here trying to divorce abusive husbands and know how difficult is. Even those husbands who appeared normal until divorce is mentioned and turn into complete aresholes. As hard as it will be to cancel everything to do with the wedding and leave him, it will be infinitely easier than divorce.
I really hope your chat with your sister goes well. I really believe she and your family will be on your side 100%

frazzledasarock · 31/10/2023 16:11

Your family doesn’t adore him. If your sister has said weddings can be cancelled and you can always get divorced that’s her testing to see if you’ll open up to her and are receptive to listening to her if she tells you she doesn’t like him and thinks you shouldn’t marry him.

when I got divorced and sobbed at my best friend and kept saying I wish someone had told me to divorce him sooner. She said the decision to leave had to come from me I had to be the one to take the first step otherwise I’d have pushed everyone away and been alone with just him.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/10/2023 16:12

He sounds dreadful. Get out now.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2023 16:21

No one, except him, is forcing you to marry him. You sound desperately unhappy and convinced, by him, that every problem is your fault.
Imagine what it would be like to be free of someone who speaks to you like this " this is your revolting behaviour again"

You wrote a year ago about how badly he treats you. That should be evidence enough that it won't get better. Leave whilst you still can. And don't worry about what anyone else will think.

Noshowlomo · 31/10/2023 16:22

Please read @theresastormcoming post and learn from it. It will not get better. This time in 2 months or even less you’ll be so FREE. Don’t show your kids that you’ll put up with a manipulative potential rapist!! You deserve so much more.

Monsteraescuelenta · 31/10/2023 16:29

Don't marry him. Honestly, it'll all be fine. If the family love him, present it to them as a decision made, not a wobble.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 16:30

I would literally bet my whole house ops family will feel nothing but sheer relief when they hear the wedding is cancelled.

It’s an impossible position to be in as a family member, and not being able to speak the truth about your reservations. Your sister has already told you in so many words that you have options.

Walkingbacktohappiness · 31/10/2023 16:32

Please, trust your instincts. I was married for almost 30 years to a man who coerced me sexually, starting with complaints about frequency, but moving on to practices that made me uncomfortable or upset. Looking back I can see how bad it was, but at the time it became almost normal. Eventually he was unfaithful, which was terrible at the time, but actually set me free. (Naturally, he blamed me for his infidelity and made the divorce as difficult as he could.)

I'm now very happily married to the nicest, most gentle man who never pesters or pushes me, so sex is mutually enjoyable.

You don't have to live your life walking on eggshells, wondering how you can keep him happy, or leave your children exposed to his moods. You don't have to tell everyone what your reasons are for not going through with a wedding, but anyone who loves you will understand. Trust yourself and get out now before he's ground you down to nothing and takes away everything you value in yourself.

Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 31/10/2023 16:38

And another thing.... what normal man would react like that if their fiancé cancelled the wedding? Most would be upset/hurt/ try and find out the reason. He's so up himself that he went over your decision to cancel and completely invalidated your feelings. RUN from this man!!

Hellofromtheotherslide · 31/10/2023 16:39

My close cousin got married and we later found out she didn't want to go through with it at the time, but felt guilty as it was a biggish wedding and she didn't want to let anyone down. We, on her side of the family anyway, wished she had told us how bad things were before the wedding as we would have rallied round to help her. It's really sad she felt she had to do it to keep us all happy at the expense of her own happiness. Her marriage lasted a couple of years and was a bit of a nightmare for her to untangle.

Please put yourself first. If you leave now it'll cost you the price of the wedding you've organised and maybe a few raised eyebrows. If you marry hi, it'll cost you that plus the divorce and the continued impact on your mental health and possibly extending to your children. Leaving now is a small price to pay for your wellbeing and happiness, he seems determined to rob you of those things which will likely escalate if you were trapped living with him.

Do what is right for you, all the best, OP x

unsync · 31/10/2023 17:04

I learnt a lot when I had support from Women's Aid. Giving in to pressure to have sex and getting it over with is not consent, it is coercion. Also, they are really nice sometimes because it keeps you hanging in there in the hope that they could be like it all the time. It's lovebombing and keeps you going back for more. I learnt so much about relationships, perhaps you might consider getting help too?

Also, my friend has PMDD, her husband is so supportive and bends over backwards to make things better for her. He certainly doesn't call her psycho or mental. He understands it is caused by a hormonal imbalance and steps up to help her.

Please walk away. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, they don't live your life, you do. You deserve someone who loves, supports and cares for you. You can do this.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 17:06

He hasn't raped you, YET

It's rape anyway really as OP's 'lover' is implying that if she doesn't submit to sex, he might violently rape her. There's no consent if someone's effectively holding a gun to your head.