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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't think I can go through with Wedding

460 replies

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 08:58

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
Dexterwontstopfarting · 31/10/2023 13:45

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

Well, let them marry him then!

Longdarkcloud · 31/10/2023 13:46

OP current abusive behaviour is predictive of future abusive behaviour and it will only get worse. Think how much more entitled he will feel to sex whenever he feels like it when you are his wife! I shudder at the thought.
You know what you need to do — those who think he is great do not know him and if they love you they will support your decision when they do know.

WowOK · 31/10/2023 13:47

You need to be brave @WhereAreMyRunningShoes.

Cancel the wedding and end the relationship. This wanker is abusing you. He is coercing you to have sex with him. He tells you he thinks about RAPING you.

Honestly, no one that likes or respects you would want you to go through with this wedding.

You're not happy and you won't have a happy future with this guy. Actually, I imagine things will get much worse if you marry him.

justwantobeamum · 31/10/2023 13:48

Please please cancel cancel cancel cancel. He sounds UNHINGED!! Jerking his head back and forth to get away bad thoughts of raping you????? OP, this man will rape or murder you. Get away now. You and your children are worth so much more. Don’t give yourself the headache of divorce. In a couple of weeks your wedding cancellation will be old news, don’t worry about anyone else. Let your sister deal with friends of family. Focus on getting this WEIRDO out your life.

Roselilly36 · 31/10/2023 13:48

Aww don’t do it OP, this is how your life will be otherwise. I know it’s difficult to back out, but that will be easier than getting a divorce.

My DS was in a similar situation, not a wedding, but about to move in with his controlling girlfriend, we could see he was getting more and more depressed, shutting himself away from us. Very difficult to explain, but his whole demeanour, the changes happened gradually. He broke up with her, just before they were about to move in together. It was totally the best decision. He is now back to his usual self and no longer looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

good luck OP, do the right thing for you Flowers. It honestly won’t be a hard as you think it will be.

Ollifer · 31/10/2023 13:49

I'm so sorry I don't have time to read all the thread. But you are in an amazing position, no kids together and no house together. Get rid, don't get married. You can be free of this shit quite simply!!

Alltheyearround · 31/10/2023 13:49

Watch the Sinead video. See the young girl watching in the registry office. Looking what grown up women do.

I honestly think that what we do (or DON'T do) has a ripple effect.

Finding the strength to say no - especially at the last minute when it would be easy to go with the flow - will have an impact on many lives, not just yours.

You know what the truth is of this, for you.

Courage mon ami!

NettleTea · 31/10/2023 13:54

It sounds as if your sister already has the measure of him. And if she does, you can guarantee that others have, and have probably been talking and worried about you behind his back. But as you admit that you dont want to put him in a bad light, and cover for his real nature, they too are likely doing the same. Only your sister is brave enough to very gently break the polite protocol of not running down someone elses partner.

And I am sure that he is all sweetness and light in front of them. As others say, its pretty damn common. Its pretty common for them to befriend all your friends, and then start, later, dripping poison about you into their ears, so that you are gradually made out to be the unstable one, the one who is the cause of any problems, the one who cant be trusted to. Setting themselves to be the victim of your irrational behaviour. Its all about cutting off your support network, so that you have nowhere to run, and nobody who will believe you, while he further destroys your own confidence and mental health and sets doubt in mind about what you believe or not.

I think you have recognised this last bit - youve realised that he blames the PMDD when its at times when the PMDD wouldnt be 'active' - he wasnt quite clever enough there. If he had managed to get you to believe the BPD and cut you off from professionals who disregarded it, he would have had a perfect excuse, but you went and ruined it by seeing a GP.

I have a pension and he doesn't so I think in terms of a divorce we would leave with what we came with.

This isnt true. If you even got strong enough after the full time onslaught of his abuse and gaslighting (at least you are having a breather and a chance to see clearly as he has stormed off) you can bet your life he will go for your pension. And you would have lost your secure tenancy, which in these days is a bloody goldmine. You would be homeless. You would not get back on the housing list, because you would have surrendered your tenancy, and your kids may by that time be ready to run from what is going to be, if you lived with him, a really toxic environment. I imagine your parenting may be under scrutiny next after he gets that ring on your finger, and there will be nowhere for them to hide.

He is evil. I have had a couple of friends involved with men like this, and they nearly destroyed them. You are lucky. You have seen an escape route, but you really need to cut this man off right now. You have a therapist, which again is a blessing. Is she versed in abuse? I suspect any PMDD will lessen significantly once he is out of your life. Strangely when I saw m,y therapist she told me 'you came to me with MH problems and relationship problems - but it turned out that your relationship WAS the problem, and once that was over your MH was actually fine'. He was a major gaslighter, and when you are in the middle you are so busy firefighting you lose sight of the fact that it is possible just to walk away.

Calibrate · 31/10/2023 13:54

I thought my family adored my ex husband as well... when we separated I was amazed by the amount of people who came out and said they couldn't stand him. I bet you find the same op.

ns87 · 31/10/2023 13:56

Wishing you all the strength in the world OP xx

FucksSakeSusan · 31/10/2023 13:58

Do not marry this gaslighting sex pest of a man. You can do so much better.

HermioneWeasley · 31/10/2023 14:02

Please do not marry this abusive arsehole

BitOutOfPractice · 31/10/2023 14:03

OP you know what the word is when someone is coerced into sex against their will don’t you?

You cannot marry this man. He will destroy you. Your friends and family, no matter how excited they are, would not want you to marry this man if they knew what a vile, bullying, sexually abusive arsehole he is.

Is there anyone you can confide in now who can help you, before it’s too late.

Please put you and your kids first op and kick him into the long grass.

Jom222 · 31/10/2023 14:06

put those running shoes on and run far far away! Its not too late to avoid a miserable marriage and subsequent divorce. Yes it will be embarrassing to manage the cancellation but so much better than the mess that awaits you in a marriage to this man.

For the love of mud don't do it.

I was briefly engaged to a man once and now years later I still say the best thing I never did was marry him. He wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for him, we're both so much better off that it didn't happen. (I'm happily married years later to a great guy btw)

Rhinestonecowgirlie · 31/10/2023 14:08

Don't marry this man, OP. Your gut is literally begging you not to - listen to it ❤️

He is emotionally and sexually abusive. Wearing someone down until they have sex with you is so wrong and honestly, in my opinion it's rape. It's not consensual, it's just easier than having to put up with his foul mood/incessant nagging. Essentially bullying you into saying yes, by making 'no' have so many consequences.

C152 · 31/10/2023 14:16

OP, please don't marry him. What's the rush to marry him now? So you've booked some suppliers and you will probably lose your deposits. That's a very small price to pay for your safety and freedom.

If you decide to keep dating (though I sincerely hope you don't - he does not sound like a good man: the insults, the pestering you for sex etc...none of that is how a normal man behaves), and you decide at a later date to get married, you can do so then. It is MUCH harder to get divorced.

I'm glad you have a sister you can talk to who will support you moving forward. Please tell her what you've said here.

mooneigh · 31/10/2023 14:17

This sounds very similar to a situation my friend is in. She did get married and her life is hell.

Please, please do not go through with this. Leave him!

There is someone better out there for you, it may not feel like it now, but there is.

Be kind to your self, read through what you have written and imagine that was a friend coming to you for advice - you would tell them to leave him - wouldn't you. So there is your answer!

As you have said previously you know the truth, you know you need to leave. You have a house so are no way dependant on him so just leave.

Have a chat with your sister and therapist tomorrow if you feel this would help you, please keep us all updated...

CryptoFascist · 31/10/2023 14:20

I just read your last thread. In this thread you said you were going to buy "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. But here you say you owned it already because of the children's dad.
You must have bought it because of your current partner. I don't point this out to judge you, because I also bought that book because of a man I then remained in a relationship with for over a year.
It took a long time for me to accept what he was, which was an abuser. It took me a long time to reach the end of my tether as well.
You already know you shouldn't marry him. It wouldn't be a real marriage. He would threaten you with divorce as it's another tool to beat you with, same as your PMDD diagnosis.

Desperateinseattle · 31/10/2023 14:22

I am concerned you say your whole family adores him. Please tell your sister he openly tells you he has to fight the urge not to rape you.

I have this awful feeling once married he will no longer feel he has to resist.

you HAVE to leave. How you feel now about not leaving a year ago? Don’t read this thread in another year and know you married any way and are even more miserable

He sounds utterly vile, verging on potential for dangerous.

Weddingpuzzle · 31/10/2023 14:28

I was married to a very very similar man OP. Unfortunately we have been subjected to the boiled frog analogy. My dad asked me just as I was about to walk down the aisle if I was sure, he knew I was making a massive mistake but I was knee deep in the sunken cost fallacy please, please don't make a similar mistake to me.

BobLemon · 31/10/2023 14:32

I’ve hit “watch thread” because I can’t remember the last time I was so hopeful for the OP. Good luck OP 💐

Jom222 · 31/10/2023 14:32

oh god I just read through your other replies. This man will rape you one day and might give you a beating or choking to boot. Then he will blame you for it.

PLEASE don't marry him.

Cerealkiller4U · 31/10/2023 14:33

Jesus. He’d hate me. I ended up in ICU for almost a year!! My DH didn’t once mention it. Infact he made sure I was ok etc. it was then another 9 months whilst I recovered…..

Ittastesvile · 31/10/2023 14:35

I called off a wedding to a guy who put me down a lot. At the time I thought I was really happy in the relationship, but I was having a lot of depression and losing weight. By the time we broke up he and his family had convinced me that I had a personality disorder.

Calling off the wedding and breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever done. But you know what? I recovered from my supposed personality disorder, weight loss and depression pretty soon afterwards. With hindsight the relationship was terrible for my mental health and breaking up freed me.

Everyone was sympathetic and supportive. As I would be if any friends called off their wedding.

Your friends and family don't have to live with him. He sounds controlling and abusive. I have a friend with BPD. Her husband doesn't treat her like this.

I also have friends who have divorced and I can tell you that it was worse than breaking off the wedding was for me.