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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't think I can go through with Wedding

460 replies

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 08:58

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
Frazzledatfifty · 31/10/2023 13:05

Read your post slowly to yourself and imagine that a friend has come to ask you for advice and this is what she is saying…. There is no way that you would tell her that it is all going to be ok and she should go ahead with the wedding???!!!! You need to break off this relationship - I think you already know that but you are scared to do it… whatever his behaviour is like now, it will only get worse and worse once you are married. He is a bully, he sounds really nasty actually… in 25 years of marriage my husband has never ever spoken to me or behaved like that!!! There are really good men out there - ditch him and find yourself a kind man that will love you unconditionally and won’t put all of this emotional pressure on you. Don’t worry about upsetting your fam and friends over the wedding - they won’t want you to marry a man who is going to make you very unhappy. I have a feeling that the anxiety that you are feeling will lift once you end this toxic relationship and cancel the wedding. Be strong!

CitizenofMoronia · 31/10/2023 13:06

He can think you are crazy, it doesn't matter, you are not happy
Your friends and family can love him, it doesn't matter, you're not happy
You are spending your nights with a potential rapist, it matters, and you are not happy.

Leave him, your friends and family don't have to live with him, you and your children do.

Polpa · 31/10/2023 13:09

Ruuuunnnnnnnnnn! Run for the hills!!!

Tiredmum100 · 31/10/2023 13:15

Do not marry him. Forget about other people's disappointment. Think about you and your children!!

frazzledasarock · 31/10/2023 13:15

Did you tell your GP & psychologist about the sexual abuse? If you had I bet you wouldn’t have got the PMDD diagnosis

Channellingsophistication · 31/10/2023 13:16

Please do not marry this man.

I am glad you are going to tell your sister tonight. Of course, your family like him because he puts on a show for them of being nice and only you see the real him. If your family knew how he treated you, they wouldn’t want you to spend another minute with him.

Imagine what he would be like to live with … that’s quite a horrific thought. He would be telling your children how to behave and making their life a misery as well ….

Lois345 · 31/10/2023 13:17

Do not marry him. If you cannot call it off for yourself then do it for your children. He will not be a good father figure for them

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 31/10/2023 13:17

Imagine yourself this time next week. You could be feeling immense relief, or you could be wondering how on earth you’ll ever divorce a man who has already prevented you from cancelling the wedding.

I say this with kindness, but no one will care about a cancelled wedding more than your well-being.

Lois345 · 31/10/2023 13:18

He honestly sounds like a narcissist or a psychopath

Anele22 · 31/10/2023 13:18

'risk a third night without sex' 😵
You realise that's abuse, don't you?

amusedbush · 31/10/2023 13:19

Another vote for leaving him.

You say that your family and friends love him so a word of warning: after you leave him, you might find that that unexpected people try to stick up for him. They might find it difficult to believe that he's abusive (which he 100% is), or they might encourage you to "work through it" or overlook the bad in favour of the good.

IGNORE THEM. Maybe they don't want to take sides, maybe they see these abusive behaviours reflected in their own relationships and they don't want to accept or deal with that, so they'll downplay your experience.

Please know that everyone on this thread (plus your sister and your therapist) believes you. The man is rotten to the core and your life will be immeasurably happier without him in it.

ReadtheReviews · 31/10/2023 13:20

My friend cancelled her wedding and we went to Paris for the weekend instead. Can you book a holiday for you and the kids when it is supposed to happen?

BTW lots of people who know people who have cancelled weddings. It isn't at all uncommon OP.

LauraFedora · 31/10/2023 13:24

Listen lovely, you must cancel this wedding. Your life with this vile man will be a nightmare. Don't worry about what people will think - as the saying goes "those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". Before we met, my husband was due to be married within a month when he told his parents he couldn't go through with it. His bride to be was the daughter of his parents' best friends, so they were very invested and excited. They love him so they supported his decision, and although it was embarrassing and big news at the time, people quickly move on and life returns to normal.

Rip the plaster off and free yourself from this controlling sexual bully.

itsmyp4rty · 31/10/2023 13:25

What is preventing you from seeing things clearly OP is that this man is gas lightning you and doing all he can to make you believe you are the problem.

Please, please don't get married.

Motherofalittledragon · 31/10/2023 13:25

Don't marry this man, he sounds like he has no decent qualities. Life would be very unpleasant married to him.

SamW98 · 31/10/2023 13:25

Lavenderosa · 31/10/2023 12:16

You have two choices:
1 Get married, have a lovely weekend followed by months and years of stress.
2 Don't get married, have a miserable weekend followed by months and years of peace.

If you were talking to someone else, which choice would you advise them to pick?

Nailed it.

OP think of it as short term pain for long term gain

Cancelling your wedding may feel difficult but you will be getting your life back

DisquietintheRanks · 31/10/2023 13:28

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2023 09:02

You need to get away please do he is very sexually and emotionally abusive

This OP. Living with an abuser is terrible for your MH btw.

anon20 · 31/10/2023 13:28

Omg please please cancel. His behaviour will only get worse and it'll be so much more pain and hassle to divorce. You have your home. Please listen to your gut and cancel it. You may have doubts but honestly he sounds awful. Good luck x

travelnorth · 31/10/2023 13:32

No way! I wish I would have stopped the wedding the day before. Went to hell afterwards You will feel better once is all off. Think of you and save yourself from a potential nightmare.

AfraidToRun · 31/10/2023 13:33

Hes nice to you to stop you leaving. Nice people are just nice. They don't need an ulterior motive.

My ex would moan about sex, couldn't understand why I didn't want it when i was constantly being got at, convinced himself I had a medical problem and needed to see a Dr. Left his sorry arse, found a better man and surprise surprise no problems now I feel loved, am shown love and respected.

You don't deserve this from him.

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 13:33

It may be a big shock but when you explain he’s been verbally abusing you, calling you names etc, emotionally manipulating you and pressuring you in to sex etc anyone who matters will be 100% behind you

Gilead · 31/10/2023 13:34

I went through this, didn’t cancel. I spent 23 years mot allowed out socially, accused of affairs with any chap that walked into the house, builders, decorators etc If I spent too long at Tesco it must be because I was having an affair with the manager. I put up with this and considerably worse. Run now, as far and fast as you can.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 31/10/2023 13:39

Please please do not marry him!! He's awful

Carouselfish · 31/10/2023 13:41

Just a thought op. There is an online group app for people who procrastinate with work where you tell the group what you each need to do and then do it together online at a set time. The idea being that everyone is accountable to the group and it makes them do it.

Well, let this help you call off the wedding. Any woman who is in a similar situation who stumbles across your thread is part of your group. You can think of yourself as accountable to them. Be strong. Save yourself. Set the example. Give them courage.

I rather wish mn could do all the cancelling for you as a pp said her sister did for her but we can only be there in spirit, willing you on.

ClawedButler · 31/10/2023 13:43

Cancel the wedding, obviously. And then release yourself from the self-imposed "rule" of not telling anyone about his disgusting behaviour.

There is no reason why you shouldn't tell people exactly why you are cancelling the wedding.

He will try to make out that you are crazy, a liar, all the rest of it. He'll paint himself as the victim and you as the villain.

Let him - you know it's all a load of bollocks designed to protect his ego. Let him say whatever he wants - those who know and care for you(i.e. the ones who actually matter) will know the truth.

No-one -NO-ONE- has the "right" to sex, or the rights to your body.