Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

He sounds absolutely horrendous. Trust your gut and your own instincts, it feels wrong because it is. If you go through with this wedding it'll get worse and you'll be back on here a year or 2 down the line needing help with how to end it.

Sending you luck and strength. Trust your gut, it is steering you right, this situation is very wrong.
Don’t worry about cancelling the wedding. Your friends and family will want you to be safe and happy a lot more than they want a day out x

I really hope you can get the help you need to get away from your abusive twat of a partner. If deep down you want to cancel the wedding then that's what you need to do. If you've phoned once you can phone again and this time get your sister to be there so he can't phone back up and reinstate it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4543594-losing-my-mind-sex-row?page=3

I just found my other thread, I am so ashamed and embarrassed that this has been going on so long. I should have stuck to my guns then when it started. How did I get sucked back in.

Funnily enough the Doctors appointment in that thread was about my BPD which is what he had convinced me I had. The doctor and my therapist have ruled out BPD as I don't meet the threshold and so settled on PMDD.

Cancel it and split up.
I can guarantee all of your friends and family aren't excited. Some of them will see him for what he is and be so proud when you cancel.

Ring up and ask for the cake to be delivered to your home on Saturday morning.
you’re very brave op and not going through with this wedding is the best non wedding gift you can give to yourself.

OP, please read this thread - I think it could give you an idea of what your future could look like if you go through with the wedding. The OP is being incredibly brave and has now ended the relationship but it's so much harder once you're further down the road of marriage, children, financial involvement etc. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/4916089-is-it-marital-rape?

If DH is gaslighting you with talk of it being "crazy week" maybe you can tell him you want to postpone rather than cancel. Buy yourself some time to get away. Or if he tries again to cancel the cancellation, just don't turn up. Sounds like he deserves to be left at the altar.

Just to add something else to the mix. I have had health and cognitive issues for years, unexplained Illness, lost myself entirely body was not mine. Since I have left, it's all gone. I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder which explains my symptoms but the cause in the majority of patients is psychological trauma and they agree in this case it's from psychological and emotional abuse.

OP, please, please don't marry him. I have read all of your posts and it is making me cry. I don't care about all of his good qualities, making you lunch, etc. You can't share a bed with a man who is having 'bad thoughts' of raping you, who would let you know this and let you worry about it for one second. This will get a lot worse if you are married to him. Think about what you would say to your sister in this situation. Please leave OP. I promise you things can get better.

I thought what you said about dreaming you're drowning, but if you stood up you would realise the water was only waist deep, was so profound. The water is like your tears. You can leave it behind you.

And yes! Definitely eat the cake!

DO NOT MARRY HIM!

I went ahead with it for the same reason, family pressure, etc. By the time I walked up the aisle I wanted to be anywhere but with him. Of course it ended in an ugly, painful divorce. DON'T DO IT! Your family will get over it. They want you to be happy. When I finally told my mum everything, she cried with me, because she never meant for me to feel pressured to go through with it. PLEASE, just don't.

Do not marry this man. Its good you don't live or have a house together. He's abusive and controlling. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Do NOT marry your sexually abusive partner. Better to call it off now than divorce 6 months later!

He is vile
He is crazy/psycho/nuts.
He will never change.

If you were the vile one, he would have walked away many suns ago.
He has you exactly where he wants you - doubting your sanity and agreeing to be raped.

Please do the deed - call your sister and share the guest list.
Call someone else and share the venue list.
Get FREE (with )

Keep him out of your house from ASAP. Can you get someone like your sister to be with you on Saturday morning. It will be safety if he tries to attack you. Try and always have someone near you for a while.

Taking this wedding out of the equation, is this the sort of life you want? He will be entitled to half your pension BTW, so just on that basis think about whether divorce is really viable for you. What about your DC? They will be impacted if he moves in.

Do not let him move in. Do not marry him. Tell your sister and get RL support. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect from your DP, and he's certainly not doing that.

“I just found my other thread, I am so ashamed and embarrassed that this has been going on so long. I should have stuck to my guns then when it started. How did I get sucked back in.”

You got sucked back in because you don’t listen to yourself. He regards himself as the boss of you and it’s his voice you hear in your head. Not yours. In fact, it’s slightly his voice that’s saying - get your work done first. Because once you’ve got your work done, you may have changed your mind. That’s his voice in your head, btw, not yours. You need to do this now. Before you get talked out of it again. Tell your sister. Tell your family. Let them help you. Do this now - for your children’s sake if you can’t do it for your own.

Of course your P has "good qualities", OP. Every manipulative psychopath can play nice for a while until they lock down their victim. And then once their victim is trapped, the niceness disappears and their full nature can be unleashed.

Just think about all the horrible things this man is doing to you now, when you are at a point when you can just walk away. And that this is his "nice side". Imagine what he will be like when you are married, living together, he is controlling both you and your children, and family/society is looking at you wondering why you married him when you must have known what he's like, so you must be mistaken/lying. He will unleash hell on you. Imagine what being married to him will do to your children - they will be witness to their mother being abused, they will not feel safe under the same roof as this man, they may never feel safe again in their lives, and they will never forgive you for choosing him over them - because that would be the choice you are making. Children pattern their own relationships on the examples they are given by parents. They take the pychological hurt of childhood into their own future relationships. Think about what you are about to do to them.

You don't need to have any further discussions with your sister, therapist or mums net. You know what you need to do, you don't need anyone else's approval, so please just do it. Cancel the wedding. If he "uncancels" it again, just do not turn up, get the hell away from your town and let the fucker turn up if he wants to play the victim. You have been damaged by this hideous excuse of a human being. But you are not broken. Yet. You have enough sense and self worth to know things are not right, so please, for the sake of your kids if not yourself, please end this relationship today.

This is so upsetting to read, I'm genuinely getting emotional reading your posts OP. I have never done this before but I am BEGGING you....please, please do not marry this utter bastard.

He is sexually abusive. Forcing you to submit to having sex because otherwise he's having "bad thoughts" about raping you is clear sexual abuse.

He is gaslighting you. He's making you question your sanity when you KNOW what the facts are, what he has done and said. PMDD does not alter your grip on reality....you know the truth of what has happened.

Your gut is clearly screaming at you to get out of this relationship. Please, please listen to it. Tell your sister everything, show her the posts on this thread if that's easier.

Ask for her help in cancelling the wedding with the venue and suppliers. Inform them that this is not nerves, you are 100% set on cancelling and to ignore your partner if he tries to get it reinstated.

Change your locks, email your partner and tell him you're ending it and have cancelled the wedding. Tell him if he comes to the house or tries to speak to you about anything other than the practical elements of splitting up then you will go to the police. Do not see him in person.

Protect your children.

Tell your therapist what has happened.

Hi OP, I've read all of your posts and many of the others posts. I think you come across as a very strong and intelligent person. With the help of your therapist, you have recognised the issue and you are in many instances capable of utilising the strategies you've learnt during your sessions. This is actually quite a difficult thing to do. Especially bearing in mind that you are still living in this truly horrible and tricky situation. I wish you strength to take the next step into your bright future without your current partner.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes , please don’t be ashamed and embarrassed, you did what you did to survive and get through each day as best you could.
Treat the past as the past now, today is a new day and you can make better decisions for yourself and your life going forward.
I hade a friend who years ago didn’t cancel a wedding because she couldn’t face doing it, thought it was pre-wedding nerves and her mental health issues getting on the way of her decision so it was “easier” to plough on. It wasn’t, the issues were the same sooner than the wedding dress was at the dry cleaners’ afterwards. Except it was worse now because there would have to be a divorce. Sunk costs fallacy meant they limped on for a year until she could bear it no longer and they did divorce.
This man isn’t going to be your supportive married partner in life, he isn’t even that now before he’s become your husband. Marriage isn’t a magic wand and I think you’d be very sensible to walk away here and block contact with him. I hope it all works out smoothly for you, you’ve got enough to deal with as it is. X

I haven't read the whole thread, just all your posts, OP. When your sister comes I think it might be helpful to show it to her. And the poster who said your family will probably be relieved is undoubtedly right...

About 15 years ago I was engaged to someone and I cancelled the wedding a couple of weeks before it was meant to happen. I also ended the relationship because I just knew in my heart it was a huge mistake to be with him.

I'm now married to someone else and he's everything I could have hoped to find in a husband. I also have PMDD and he never makes me feel bad about it or makes judgemental comments, he takes care of me when I'm struggling which is what someone who loves you should do.

It's embarrassing, stressful and potentially costly calling off a wedding but it's absolutely worth it not to spend the rest of your life miserable.

He sounds controlling, gaslighting and deeply horrible. Just the way he responds in an argument is a massive red flag.

Op, please don't marry him. Listen to your gut. Your gut feeling is literally telling you not to do this!

You deserve better. And it's much easier to cancel a wedding than it is to get divorced!

Can you talk to a good friend, ask them to help?

Sending strength.

OP this is as good as it's going to get and he's still gaslighting, controlling and abusive. Once you've given up your house it'll get worse, for you and your teenagers. Every bit of independence and choice in life will gradually be taken away.

It'll be tough to cancel the wedding but you'll be over it in a few days. The effects of marrying this person will however last the rest of your life.

Keep the cake and enjoy!

He is abusive, manipulative and controlling. That is sod all to do with your PMDD. Leave him. Family and friends would be horrified if you went through with the wedding to not disappoint them.
Run.