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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
blueagain · 05/05/2022 11:15

He has no self control and is sex obsessed and you’re facilitating this giant man baby! I don’t know any other woman who would do this for him! Does he not realise how much sex he has and now he’s not going to have any. You’re not his sex slave. Jesus. He’s gross. Do not give into this sex tantrum.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2022 11:17

You don't live together do you?

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 11:17

Having sex almost every day when you don't even live together is a ridiculous expectation, when you have 3 kids at home.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:23

No we don't live together we spend most nights together though.

I am just hurt that his desire for sex was more important than supporting me when I needed it.

His sex obsession doesn't usually bother me, I have a high sex drive myself so usually keep up with him, I just don't think it should be the be all and end all.

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 05/05/2022 11:29

Bin him . And I never post that

DomesticatedZombie · 05/05/2022 11:31

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:17

He thinks I am being ridiculous and he won't bother trying to smooth things over again.

I am refusing to brush it under the carpet unless he acknowledges that he was a bit shit and apologies.

Even if we hadn't had sex for 3 months and I said Eww no thanks every time he touched me, I still don't think it was an appropriate time to bring it up and have a row about it. But facts are we have a very active sex life.

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

Oh my word, OP, if you're not in the mood why on earth would you have sex? There is no 'rule' about you having to have sex when you don't want to. As gently as possible; this is really unhealthy.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 05/05/2022 11:31

Hmm, the sex rule is bonkers - way too transactional - but I don't even think this was about sex. I think it was about him deliberately engineering an argument so he could pull focus.
The focus was supposed to be on you and your appointment, you'd asked for support. He couldn't outright say 'I'm not giving you any because I'm an arse' so he did it by manufacturing an argument.
He's hard work. If he can't support you when you need it, there's no point being in a relationship with him OP. I'm sorry and I hope your health issues and treatment go well Flowers

totallyoutnumbered · 05/05/2022 11:32

A 2 day rule?! I have a high sex drive as does my partner. We do indeed have sex most nights however, there's no unspoken fucking rules. That is absolutely mental.
I'm afraid you've been conditioned by this man and I'm sure he isn't lovely at all.
A good man will support you (mine wouldn't be able to sleep if I had such an appointment coming up but not because he wanted a shag). We're in tune, I'm his priority, he's mine as it should be. This doesn't sound healthy or normal at all OP sorry and you deserve so much better x

beastlyslumber · 05/05/2022 11:34

He is coercive, manipulative and controlling. Ditch him. It's only going to get worse.

DomesticatedZombie · 05/05/2022 11:35

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 10:31

Dear god.

This is awful.
You shouldn't be living like this and the fact kids are seeing this and being taught it's normal is frightening.

If this is a true thread, you're being abused emotionally and being coerced sexually.

Run away.

Show quote history

MaryAndHerNet has it, I'm afraid. Sorry, OP.

You deserve a nice partner who supports you, cares for you, and doesn't pressure, coerce, cajole, wheedle, guilt, manipulate or berate you into having sex. Ever.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:35

It's crazy that I am even questioning myself over this, I KNEW I was right to stand my ground. Sometimes you have to put your boundaries straight up.

Well he well get all the orgasms he wants but they will be by his own hand for the foreseeable!

OP posts:
layladomino · 05/05/2022 11:36

He sounds awful. He expects sex. He thinks you owe it him. Even if you don't want it you should do it. He is happy to trample on your wellbeing for his sexual kicks.

He wasn't there for you when you were anxious about your appointment. Whatever the reason that wasn't good. But the reason was he was punishing you for not wanting to have sex one night.

Noone should ever feel obliged to have sex. You don't owe it to him. You could not want sex every day for a month and he'd have no right to guilt-trip, punish or otherwise coerce you in to it.

And now he won't even apologise or accept responsibility. He's turned it all round in to being your fault. He's changing the story, gaslighting you. I would walk away from him.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/05/2022 11:36

Imagine if you were seriously ill OP or pregnant or post birth and didn't fancy it for months!! You have been obliging so far but at some point you might not be-- do you want this sex pest hassling yo

blueagain · 05/05/2022 11:36

You’ve said “he doesn’t whip me” if the sex on day 2 doesn’t happen. HE JUST DID. Whip Whip Whip…just not physically eh but psychologically. He’s tantrummed and taken away his stuff. Now if you get back together you’ll make damn sure he always gets it on day 2 right? WHIPLASHED.
Nope.
do not give in or this is now your life. You cannot break first. He has to be left stewing and come back to you with explanations and apologies or you have lost any power in your relationship

DomesticatedZombie · 05/05/2022 11:36

Well, don't beat yourself up, OP. It sounds to me like he is playing you, and that can really throw you off. As a pp said, it sounds like he's resenting the focus being on you because of your health issue.

blueagain · 05/05/2022 11:37

Has he got an ex wife and kids? Is this why they split up?

OldWivesTale · 05/05/2022 11:37

AnyFucker · 05/05/2022 10:10

by definition, you need to “want it” to give true consent

if you don’t want it, you are not consenting

what is his solution ? Rape ?

This!

AlisonDonut · 05/05/2022 11:39

You lost me at 24 times in April. Who on earth counts?

You accept this behaviour at your own peril.

OldWivesTale · 05/05/2022 11:39

God, just read about the 2 day rule. Seriously, get away from him.

GuppytheCat · 05/05/2022 11:40

”We only ever have sex when you want it" is the absolute minimum for consent, surely?

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:41

He doesn't have children no, he has always said his ex partner didn't have sex very often. I am wondering if that's the case or just his warped view on it! They split up because she cheated on him and became a lesbian.

I know on this I can't back down unless we have an honest conversation about his sex obsession and how it is affecting us. If he doesn't accept he behaved badly here than i don't want to be around him and I have made that very clear.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/05/2022 11:43

How old is this man child-has he been married before

what if you were seriously ill and co9uldnt hav sex is that the end of the relationship

Pixiedust1234 · 05/05/2022 11:43

Its time to step back and view your whole relationship as though you were looking in on somebody else's. None of it is normal or healthy. Hes not a nice guy (or if he does nice things its because he expects sex as a reward).

I repeat, its not healthy.

BackflandedCondiment · 05/05/2022 11:44

As so often seems the case on here, my own 'advice' is to please, please, please demand and expect better for yourself.

Even if he was arguing with you because you were distant before a worrying Dr appointment - that is still not right. That is still dickhead behaviour. Good partners/people do not behave like that.

And fwiw I also think "distant" is just another word for not willing to have sex, in this instance.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/05/2022 11:45

Op the sex is a red herring

The fact is he started an argument with you the night before what was for you a stressful GP appt. It sounds like he wanted you to be stressed and under pressure whilst in there.

He doesn't like the attention being off of him, that makes him a weapons grade arsehole and do yourself a favour and dump him.

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