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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't think I can go through with Wedding

460 replies

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 08:58

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
TheDogIsInCharge · 31/10/2023 11:02

Your children will be living in a house where their mother is routinely being sexually and emotionally abused. You can’t possibly think that is an acceptable life for them or for you.

Keep reading and repeating this. You need to understand how this marriage will impact you AND your family. I grew up with an abusive dad and it was misery at the time and has left me with lasting issues around relationships and self esteem. Please call off this marriage and bin this relationship for you and your kids.

Charliecatpaws · 31/10/2023 11:03

OP you deserve so much better, please call off the wedding. Take care of yourself

FreddysSquishyBollock · 31/10/2023 11:03

just posting to send more strength and best wishes and hoping you get this asshat out of your house and life for good ASAP.

💐

justteanbiscuits · 31/10/2023 11:03

this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts")

This line scares me. It sounds like he would rape you if he "didn't stop himself".

Please please please. Reach out to someone who can help you call it off. You must do this. Please.

Littlelucas · 31/10/2023 11:04

He's an abusive gaslighter. He is trying to "train" you into never disagreeing with him otherwise he will shout/strop/leave.

Do not marry him.

Uggquestion · 31/10/2023 11:04

You absolutely must cancel. Share what you've written with close friends and family - they will spread the word that you're being abused if their opinion is worth anything. Do not marry him. Don't further expose him to the children. You have one last chance to escape making a huge mistake.

viques · 31/10/2023 11:04

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 31/10/2023 09:02

We don't have children together. I have older teens. We also don't live together yet, I didn't want to give up my children's secure stable home incase it did't work out so we were planning to buy together after the wedding.

Phew. You are in a much better situation than many other people who are in rotten relationships and are scared to leave because of young children and accommodation.

As someone above said, you are not his sex toy, he is not respecting your body, he is not respecting your mental health.

He isn’t going to change, if you marry him you will still have these issues to deal with but you will also have the additional problems of getting him out of your property, or even worse a property that you both have a financial commitment too, and dealing with a divorce. I think you will find your mental health improves once you don’t have him gaslighting you about it. I also think your body is telling you you don’t want to have sex with him for a reason!

Janinejones · 31/10/2023 11:05

I have never told her the sex stuff, I didn't want to paint him in a bad light so I have always focused on my actions and been 100% honest about the things I have done and feel ashamed of.
You must tell your sister and the Therapist about the 'sex stuff'. How can they comment if they only know half of the story.
Copy and Paste your Opening Post, all your updates if you can. Make copies, let them read it.
It may be difficult to prove rape. Has he ever hurt you during sex, say by forcing into you when you not relaxed. Tell them if he has.

Rosequartz7 · 31/10/2023 11:05

Please don't marry this awful, abusive man. Speak to your therapist and sister and cancel the wedding as soon as you can, and get away from this man for good. Get real life support, tell them the truth. Stay safe. X

TeeBee · 31/10/2023 11:06

''He's not all bad, of course not because it would have been very clear cut to say no to getting married if he was.''

OP, you do realise that's EXACTLY why he does the nice bits, don't you?

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 11:10

I can categorically say that marrying this awful substandard man will ruin your life. Don’t do it.

TherapistInATabard · 31/10/2023 11:10

Janinejones · 31/10/2023 11:05

I have never told her the sex stuff, I didn't want to paint him in a bad light so I have always focused on my actions and been 100% honest about the things I have done and feel ashamed of.
You must tell your sister and the Therapist about the 'sex stuff'. How can they comment if they only know half of the story.
Copy and Paste your Opening Post, all your updates if you can. Make copies, let them read it.
It may be difficult to prove rape. Has he ever hurt you during sex, say by forcing into you when you not relaxed. Tell them if he has.

Absolutely this. @WhereAreMyRunningShoes you need to stop protecting him and start protecting yourself. You’re denying yourself the medicine you need because you’re worried about his reaction. That’s so fucked up. Send this thread to your sister and therapist so they can read all your posts. In person you will default to protecting him again. Get your sister’s help with cancelling the wedding. And when he starts to spread shit about how crazy you are, hold on to the truth that you absolutely are not the crazy one. Take care x

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 31/10/2023 11:11

You are getting married but don't live together that's a recipe for disaster if I've ever seen.

cupofdecaf · 31/10/2023 11:13

What are the financials like?
You own a home that you are keen to protect for your children (are your own) comfort/ safety/ wellbeing.
Does he have equal assets? If not by marrying him you instantly give him an equitable interest in that house. In theory a short marriage it wouldn't be much but it could cost you a lot in solicitors fees to get it sorted and get rid of him.
Also you've never lived with him? You have no idea what he is like to live with.
Please don't marry him.

Littlelucas · 31/10/2023 11:15

So he will lie there and physically jerk his head "to get the bad thoughts out". I know he is really struggling at that point and will often just give in and have sex with him.

Bloody hell, that just made my flesh crawl.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 11:15

In that scenario alone I meant. Because obviously one off scenarios can be put down to other things etc but as I said the relationship needs to end because this isn’t just a one off.

He's saying he has thoughts of raping her. A one off of that would be enough to end it, obviously. I would suggest any woman dumps a partner who has any sort of strops or coercion about sex.

Smartstuffed · 31/10/2023 11:18

You are vile
I hate who you are every month. You revolt me.
You're crazy/psycho/nuts.
You will never change.
Your illness is a curse on me.

Those aren't the words of someone you'd want to tie yourself to. You phoned up to cancel the wedding and he ran rough-shod over your concerns and told them you were having a wobble. Engineered it to force your hand.

My ex-P used to say similar to me. 'Crazy' and 'psycho' being his favourites, closely followed by 'nasty. And he said it with such venom that I used to think 'If I'm such a vile and horrific person why on earth do you stay???' (It was my house.) When I had the courage to ask this out loud he said 'Because sometimes you can be nice.' A laughable response when I think about it

He'd pester me for sex and become moody and nasty when I didn't feel like it (and who would?) I slept on my sofa rather than be in my own bed.

I was on edge all of the time. Everything had to be his way. Anything he did for for me came at a price, in the form of my compliance. I felt I had no agency in my own life. I was so jumpy that when he realised this he'd go out of his way to startle me just to see my body jerk with the shock. Couldn't I take a joke?

I will be eternally grateful that I did not marry him. And equally eternally grateful to my sister who took charge, called his bluff, and ensured he was out by the deadline I'd set for him to leave, which he was ignoring, just as he had every other time. (He'd tell me I didn't mean it.)

Please tell your sister everything. Regain your life, yourself and your peace of mind.

Passepartoute · 31/10/2023 11:19

This is not PMD. Wanting to cancel the wedding is cold, hard good sense on your part. If you got married you would deeply regret it, forever.

OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 11:21

You're right, you shouldn't even think of giving up a secure tenancy. The thing is with him that he's so volatile, he will promise you his house will go in both names now, before you're married, but that will mean nothing at all if you're trying to divorce him within a short time (which you will be if you do marry him).

If you think this is bad now, imagine trying to divorce him. Then you'd really know his true character.

emmylousings · 31/10/2023 11:23

Wow, this is totally gross. You will not regret cancelling the wedding. The alternative is being an abused, miserable sex-toy for however long the marriage lasts. Also, please don't subject your DC to this awful, immature, manipulative man. You will be much, much happier single.

Mirabai · 31/10/2023 11:24

Cake is good. Gaslighting abuse is not.

Mirabai · 31/10/2023 11:24

I have a pension and he doesn't so I think in terms of a divorce we would leave with what we came with.

No, once you’re married he can go for your pension on divorce.

Richard1985 · 31/10/2023 11:29

God this is a hard read. I haven't posted here before but just hard to comment on this.

You are being abused. Emotionally, physically and sexually.

You should be phoning the police on this guy but I understand that is hard and might not get you anywhere.

At the very least you must call off the wedding before ending this relationship completely

What a horrible, messed up person he must be to use the threat of rape to force you into having "consensual" sex with him

Tell him and his bad thoughts to gtf immediately

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/10/2023 11:29

OP I'm not sure you realise how absolutely chilling your posts are. Please get yourself away from this monster. I'm sure your family would pay everything they had to stop this wedding happening if they knew the truth. Don't go through with it out of false guilt about how much they've already paid out.

OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 11:30

Of course you could lose part of your pension if you divorced.

Just think practically - you have a safe and secure home and a pension. You could lose those things (never mind losing your mind) if you married him.

If you have a daughter, what would you advise her to do in that situation?