Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Never mind getting your work done…. If it’s housework it can wait. If it’s employment, phone in sick. You need to act now.
Please tell your sister now. Not tonight. This is urgent. This man is dangerous and you need him out of your life fast. Once someone else knows you will feel so much better. And you need to start cancelling the wedding. And don’t tell him you have cancelled. If you weren’t planning to see him tonight you have some time. But getting sorted is going to take a little while so use today wisely.
But please tell your sister now.

OP, send both of your posts to your sister ahead of seeing her tonight. Much of the work having to tell her your reality will have been done then.

I desperately hope you call off the wedding and all contact now and forever from this abusive, rapist prick!

He is emotionally and sexually abusing you OP. If you went through with marrying him the abuse will ramp up. He's told you he thinks about raping you, and he means it. There is not a decent human being alive who has to fight the urge to rape someone. There will be a time when you say no and he will not only go through with it, but he'll then blame you. It will be so much harder to leave him if you live with him. There is nothing to be embarrassed about on your previous thread. Leaving an abuser is exceptionally difficult. What you're doing now in preparing to end it is incredibly brave, and you do deserve all the cake, but also so much more than that.

Oh my goodness this thread has made me well up please please please do not marry this man, he will make you a shell of your former self if he hasn't already

You have two choices:
1 Get married, have a lovely weekend followed by months and years of stress.
2 Don't get married, have a miserable weekend followed by months and years of peace.

If you were talking to someone else, which choice would you advise them to pick?

Ditch the man.
Eat the cake.

You've not taken medications to help with a condition because it can affect sex drive which will make things with him worse - he has put you in an impossible situation!!

Thank goodness you are strong enough to have kept your own home. I'd talk to dsis and therapist and batten down the hatches against his reaction. But hold firm - Id even forewarn the wedding suppliers about his prior tactics and that you definitely do want to cancel (except the cake - deff keep the cake!)

Change the locks if he has a key so you know he cannot get in, gather your family and friends around you and enjoy some freedom away from all his BS. It might take a bit of time but it will feel like a weight lifted from your shoulders!

Do not marry him, obviously. Never mind that the wedding is imminent- people who love you want you happy and wouldn't want you to go through with a bad marriage for the sake of embarrassment/ money/ whatever.

I have monster PMS and a lower sex drive than my husband, and he has never, ever spoken to me this way. It's totally unacceptable.

@Lavenderosa has nailed it. The immediate pain, sadness and discomfort of cancelling the wedding will be over very quickly. If you marry him, you have a hideous future ahead and so do your DCs watching their mother be emotionally, physically, sexually (sexual abuse is also physical) and psychologically abused and become a shadow of herself. Please take that step now.

Don’t marry him. Listen to your gut. It’s telling you not to for a very, very good reason.

It’s far easier to cancel a wedding than divorce.

Book to go away, B&B, cheap cottage anywhere, book to go tomorrow or Thursday. Call the venue, cancel, say that no matter who calls you, you will not be there. Then go. Block him on your phone.
Refuse to speak to him again. You have no obligation to ever speak to or see him again.

He sounds toxic.

Don't get married, have a miserable weekend

It mightn't even be a 100% miserable weekend. It might be stressful this week cancelling stuff, but I imagine there might be a major sense of relief once it's cancelled and she's free of being raped. Even if that high doesn't come at first @WhereAreMyRunningShoes , these things can be hard at first, but you'llve 100% done the right thing.

OP, what would you say if one of your children were in a relationship with a man who treated them like this?

You know what you'd say, and you'd offer them any support they needed to get out of it.

Please don't marry him, and don't let him treat you like this anymore. You are worth so much more. Think about this thread - hundreds of amazing, strong, diverse women, all cheering you on to get this bastard out of your lives. You can do it.

If you're not happy before the wedding, how can you be happy after? he will get worse with the comfort of marriage.
OP this especially struck with me because many years ago in my late teens I met a horrible man who love bombed me into marriage and demanded sex all the time or he couldn't sleep or would slam doors and sulk until I changed my mind, things got worse and worse and I left him 3 months after the wedding, he tracked me down at my parents house and left me with broken bones and needing surgery.
He denied me a divorce and 7 years later I got one from the court.
I'm now happily married to the most amazing man and have 2 daughters and only now can I see just how much I went through and how much I don't want my daughters to go through it.

You are someone's beloved daughter so don't worry about the wedding/money that's not what your family will be thinking of and nor should you. Be safe and tell your closest what's happening.

Firstly I can't believe you have sex that much, he is bloody lucky! My partners lucky if its more than once a month. Secondly, blocking you on what's app! How childish is that. It does sound pretty toxic and not someone you want to be committed to. I would say speak to your family about your concerns as you may find they don't care about the wedding and just want you to be happy. I would also say if you can get money back stop it now as trying to stop ot later down the line may end up too expensive and put you off. Just remember divorce is more expensive. Good luck!

I’m going to a wedding this weekend OP. If you were the bride, I would say this now: CALL OFF THE WEDDING.

I love my friends dearly and don’t care if I’ve spent money on a hotel etc. Everyone would rather you are safe and happy with someone that treats them well than you feel forced to go ahead with the wedding to a gaslighting coercive sexual abuser.

I strongly suspect your PMDD is not the problem you think it is (I'm not saying its not real or serious but ...)

The real problems are:

You have a partner who gaslights you into thinking everything is your fault because of your hormones. You aren't allowed to validly have thoughts or express emotions or wishes he doesn't approve of because it's "just your hormones".

He's a coercive sex pest.

He's a misogynist. You are there for his use (see sex pest point) and are his inferior (your woman's hormones render you this way, obviously).

Please don't live like this a day longer, let alone marry him.

Please, please find the strength to call it off. Marriage/living with him will make your life even worse. I wonder how many of your family members don't actually like him, but think they need to support you because it appears that you do. If they knew how he treated you they would be horrified, as we are, and we don't even know you. Take care, we are all here to talk things through and let you know you are not going mad/making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn't deserve you xxx

Cancel it. He sounds like a dick. It's not the pmdd.

I'm not dismissing your PMDD diagnosis but I guarantee your mental health will improve when you aren't fending off a rapist in your bed on a nightly basis

Yes because in effect he is raping you. He is making it clear that if you don’t give in that he is going to force you so he forces you another way because you are scared that the alternative to giving in will be worse.

Are you on the brides side or the grooms? (I hope it's not my wedding)

I have my plan, I am going to speak to my sister tonight and get her on board. Go to therapy tomorrow and get that reassurance from someone who knows my mental state professionally that I am being rational and using my wise mind. I know I am, but it helps to have a professional confirm it.

I finish work today so tomorrow afternoon with my sister and my therapists backing I can deal with everything. I won't be seeing my beloved husband to be tonight anyway as we still aren't talking so I don't need to worry about that.

NOONE on here reading this will think you should go through with this wedding. Not one person! Please don't.

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

People say all the time we are the cutest couple they know, relationship goals, how great he is with the kids.

Noone sees this side of him, I think it will be a big shock to many.

He's a coercive man trying to bully you into sex you don't want. Another word for which is....for Christ's sake OP.

Cancel the wedding.
Eat ALL the cake.
Fuck him OP he sounds horrible and you sound so unhappy.
Tell him to fuck off, take delivery of the cake and post a pic of the cake so we can all imagine you lying in bed eating cake, and we'll be cheering you on! You don't need this guy!