Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

At around your wife's age my hormones did start to sway around abit which plays a part.

However when your the parent juggling most things like house and child admin as well as working kids family household chores etc the drudgery gets to you.

So you have time to go to a gym and buff yourself up but does your wife get any time to do stuff for herself?

Honestly step back and have a look at what you class as your fair share here of absolutely everything and if your wife gets a fair share of the same time as you to herself.

Not saying she doesn't etc but it's something to look at

I'm also going to say sometimes things will give me the Ick with dh like leaving any dirty washing lying around on the floor rather than the wash basket (doesn't happen often but once is enough to piss me off as I'm not a maid)

I also think we all change and our priorities/feelings change as we get older.

If your making it all about romancing her after yoh e said you don't have enough sex that will be enough for her to close up op if I'm honest.

Nothing g worse than a grown man acting like a petulant teen boy to get sex.

Get fitter and athletic again. Very fit and very athletic.

then see what happens.

ask me how I know lol…

Read "Mind The Gap" by Dr Karen Gurney. It does some explaining as to why desire can dwindle in long term relationships. It's really eye opening OP.

YANBU. Have you told her straight up that you're struggling with the lack of sex? What did she say if so?

If not, you need to tell her.

When people talk about sexual attraction being linked to their bodies and how big their pecs are or how big their thighs are it’s like I’m living on another planet. Maybe some women are very motivated by that. I am not one of them. I could understand it being linked to sexual performance maybe. I’m guessing if Tom Hardy or whoever she’s into made her an offer you’d find she didn’t have such low sex drive after all.

Anti depressants totally ruined my sex life. Got rid of my sex drive hated being touched

Came off them and it's getting better

Women's sex drives are much more controlled by emotions than men's. It really doesn't matter how good looking a man is, how fit, athletic, rugged or whatever, if he's not attending to her emotionally or keeps doing things to piss her off, she's not going to want to have sex with him. I'm not saying you are doing anything to annoy her, but all this focus on your body may be a waste of time if there's something else going on. However, if she says there isn't, I'm not sure what you can do.

I went through a period of having no sex drive. It was a combination of nursing, kids being young, feeling touched out and tbh the sex had become boring and unfulfilling.

It became a problem eventually and it needed addressing. I think we had sex a few times in a year and eventually he said to me he couldn't cope anymore, he found himself looking at other women even though he found cheating abhorrent and ultimately if I didn't work out how to want to more then he'd probably eventually end up cheating and he was telling me this because he didn't want that to be the case but it has reached boiling point and he was worried that eventually under the right circumstances he would.

So I addressed my low sex drive. Bought underwear and stuff I felt good in. Started reading erotica pretty regularly which keeps my wanting to. If I get the impression he might want to I will work on getting myself in the mood before hand. I told him the sex had got mundane and boring to me and so therefore we worked on making it more fulfilling for me. I also commited to having sex atleast once a week, and we started flirting sexting which helps keep each other interested.

It took time but tbh I have a higher sex drive then him now.

I think you need to be honest with her about how you are feeling. It's not sustainable and if you are in a monogamous relationship it's unreasonable of her to not work on this.

You have three kids and I assume a house and jobs.

Your solution to sexlessness was to spend time in the gym alone.

I mean this kindly but getting in shape was never the answer.

Im not in your relationship so I don’t know what the answer for you is but it’s very likely to be that your wife has a shit load on her plate and you need to step up what you’re doing.

And I don’t mean asking her « what do you need help with » on an ad hoc basis. That’s not the answer. Pick a big job and take responsibility for that job 100%. For example, laundry. That means you wash dry iron fold and put away all the clothes plus monitoring the washing powder etc. You make sure the kids have uniforms and you and your wife have work clothes for the week.

And you do all of this big job consistently without conversation or complaint forever. Bingo your wife has more headspace and will respect you a hell of a lot more. Her attraction will naturally increase towards you because you’re acting like a real partner.

What age are the kids?

You need a straightforward conversation with her, tell her you find her sexy as hell and want to be intimate more, and want to understand things from her point of view. Let her speak freely.

Can you get away for a few days on your own? At least 2 nights, preferably 3?
A spa break at a fancy hotel is ideal, so she can rest, read, swim, totally switch off from being a Mum. Then you have a better chance at a decent conversation.

I'd be interested to know truthfully how much she is enjoying the sex... Maybe she isn't having orgasms but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she has some issues after childbirth. Does she masturbate?

3 kids is v v hard work, so some domestic help would take the weight off her a bit - can you organise getting a cleaner?

Can you encourage her to do hobbies more too, so she can reclaim a sense of herself and have fun on her own terms

Hope these ideas help x

I did the gym thing because it was an easy thing to do, I sold it as a couples thing to have more time together as she would make the odd comment, muffintop, the usual mum bod hangups but it's all in her head, she's healthy. But she stopped going a few weeks in, so I just go in the early mornings by myself, if anything else it helps me not worry about this situation.

Housework wise, she does the lions share, I'll tidy, I cook most dinners and shopping, ironing 1 our out of the 4 times it needs done. Plus the usual outside work, wash the cars, maintenence. She's told me she appreciates what I do. I do work about 55 hours a week though so I wouldn't expect to be carrying 50/50 household while she works 25 hours a week + schoolruns and homework.

We've talked and bought some "marital aids" and I thought it was great but she said they were never really her thing. She was against anything to do with talking therapies and they never really helped my mum.and dad so I didn't mind..

We rarely go out together, maybe once every 2 months, and maybe once with friends, despite my encouragement, she needs to be a woman sometimesninstead of just mum.

I'm worried she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore and it hurts my heart and makes me wonder would she be happier alone, can I not live in my children's home, could I cope with seeing them less if we split up.

The kids are 20 16 and 9 (our little surprise). She does have hobbies, she's very artistic but these seem to be fads. She's tired after the getting the kids up, getting the kids out, going to work and then school runs and home work. But that's just the way it is for now. When my youngest is in high school hopefully this will ease a bit as she can get the bus with her sibling.

She always did enjoy sex, obviously I can't saw she's never faked it for me, or felt like she was doing her duty as a wife, I just can't say. I've asked, she's denied it and said if she wasn't in the mood she wouldn't have sex. We talk about it sometimes and make plans but they never work out. As I said before it's making me feel creepy with it only ever being me initiating or bringing it up. I am far from acting petulant but my understanding can only go so far. Remember this has been for years. Everything else is fine or good, that's why it's gone like this for so long.

My general thought pattern is that if a woman doesn’t want to have sex with you it because it’s not always that worth the effort.

Not many women would turn down sex if they were guaranteed an orgasm at the end of it. Sadly though, women generally aren’t guaranteed that ending which is why they can take it or leave it.

Sometimes things really can be that simple.

Maybe she wants more intimacy that does not lead to sex, which in the fullness of time might lead to more sex.

But relationships do change with time, and mature adults understand that. Rampant sex when you first meet can become less frequent but more loving exchanges when you are older.

The old trope that women often want cuddles rather than sex is true for many I think - and that is what she needs maybe. And she needs to know the cuddles are "no strings." This might make her a happier a lady. And a happier lady might be more interested in sex, or might not - but there is nothing wrong with just having a happier lady.

It bores me. 🙊

This. And if you keep asking what you can do, instead of just getting on with it, you are likely to drive your wife mad. She doesn’t ask you what needs doing in the house, I presume? Just crack on and do it, without making an issue of it.

I’m 38 and have just started a new contraceptive pill. It really suits me in every other way except I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever! I feel like I could actually cry when dh initiates sex even though he’s not pushy in any way and hasn’t particularly got the highest sex drive himself I’d like to oblige but I just can’t! It’s so frustrating because it’s not just like I don’t fancy it because before I know I have been ok once things have started but this isn’t like this!
is she using hormonal contraception - could you offer a vasectomy so she doesn’t have to use it if so?

Again, all I can say is we had a great sex life and she's never had any problems in the past , if for whatever reason now she's not having orgasms or has lost interest in orgasms she's not telling me.

But now we are in a rut, where my unhappiness is threatening our marriage. Her reasoning is, I want less sex these days. I'm doing what I can to meet her needs but mine are just "no thank you" and I don't want her to have sex because I want sex, I want her to want to have sex with me, which is the opposite to what I feel from her.

Parentification- feeling like his mum because you wash his pants, pick his socks off the floor, and accommodate his fussy food needs and organise your diary around him.

What are you doing to attend to her- doing housework isn’t looking after her, it’s pulling your weight. Are you asking how she is doing with reference to challenges she’s facing- stress at work, issues with friends? Are you making her favourite meal or are you chucking an oven meal in to get everyone fed.

Women look after everyone else with attention to detail. They know what brand sauce you prefer and whether you like dark or milk chocolate. Can you say any of that about her?

God what I’d give for a man who brought me my favourite chocolate bar when he can see I’m stressed, and suggested I go for a long bath while he sorts out the kids.

She going to be hitting perimenopause, which can make some women’s libido massively drop.
I completely lost interest in sex at a similar age to your wife. Plus I felt COMPLETELY exhausted. And guilty for not having the desire anymore and disappointing my husband.
I don’t know what the answer is, but she might well be struggling with hormonal changes and maybe you need to step up with things that reduce the load for her.
Also, a second recommendation for Mind The Gap, which my menopause doctor has suggested I read. That might help you see things from her perspective.

I always enjoy it once we get going but tbh most of the time I'd rather just sleep! It's nothing to do with me loving and cherishing my husband any less, and I still find him very attractive, but 12 years in of course that electricity, anticipation and tension isn't there every time you get into bed together.

I wouldn't worry about feeling creepy, my husband initiates most of the time and I don't find it creepy at all! It used to be the other way round for a good few years when we first met!

And sometimes it’s as simple as just not being that interested in sex. As with the PP, I prefer sleep! I don’t even have kids or a particularly stressful life and I can take it or leave it (and definitely prefer to leave it most of the time).

I'm neither foolish nor inept. I'm an adult and I know when something needs done around the home and I do it. No-one has to do anything for me I was raised by a single father for my teenage years, I had clean, wash and iron if I wanted to look presentable and have a home. I cook to her tastes also once or twice a week, the rest is the 4 other people that live in my home.

She is her own boss and she does quite well, work is stressful, especially the self employed but so is everyone's work.

I have no problem bending over backwards but now it's been a long road and nothing seems to be working. I'm not sure what she is doing to correct the issues we are having, if anything at all, to her its not a problem and seems to be waiting for me to get on her level.

She has too much on her plate to have head space for you and the desire for sex.
You need to take on some of the mental load, 3 kids, a house to look after and work plus possible hormone issues is a lot to deal with, knackering.

I'll give it a read, thank you.

Sorry to be so blunt but did your sex drive ever recover?