Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

My sex drive is still work in progress. I’m really struggling with the menopause and HRT and there’s a lot of trial and error trying to deal with all of that, including libido.

I think the premise of the book (which I haven’t read yet- waiting for a copy in the post!) is that female desire works differently and isn’t spontaneous in the way that male desire is, but that there is a work-around that can allow you to still have a good sex life. It might help you to understand that she might desire you, but that it isn’t necessarily going to look the same as it used to, and might need tapping into in a different way.

I still desire my husband. I want to want to have sex with him, but the urge to do that has vanished. I find it profoundly upsetting that a previously important part of my life has just disappeared. Simultaneously my physical response to sexual touch has gone. Nothing feels good anymore. What’s the point in sex if it doesn’t ‘work’ anymore? Not just orgasms, but any kind of exciting physical sensation.

I’m not saying that your wife will be feeling the same as me. But if she has reached perimenopause then she will be dealing with a whole world of shit mentally, physically and emotionally, and having to come to terms with a wealth of changes. So I would say you need to exercise some patience and do what you can to educate yourself about her situation (it’s great that you’re asking here) and talk to her about what she needs.

Not necessarily. My hormone levels started dropping in my early 30s with all kinds of perimenopause symptoms starting. I was early, but 40 is definitely in the perimenopause danger zone.

An interesting thread regarding menopause, hormones & sex drive.
There are many women who are the complete opposite and this is without HRT. It is a fact not every woman lacks sex drive in their middle years, or even in old age. It's definitely important for women affected by a lack of sex drive at this stage to share experiences although I also feel it's important to emphasise this is not relevant to all women.
Sex drive can also be heightened in later years, as if the body is saying this is your last chance to conceive so go for it. Everyone is different and hormonal issues are often not the reason. Again the old saying 'use it or lose it' can be just as appropriate for women as it is for men.

@Springforward1 I agree. We are all different. For me I had a massive surge in sex drive when I was 30, which I think was my body telling me to conceive while I could, because it fell away rapidly after that.

Women don't understand what sex means to men. They ARE desperate for it. And for them, sex means love. OP isn't complaining that he can't access her body for sex - he specifically wants her to initiate because he thinks that means she loves him. He may benefit from understanding that women who enjoy sex once it's initiated it do feel love, but women will absolutely benefit from understanding where men come from.

I have been a prostitute for many years and it took me a while to really appreciate how different men and women are in this area.

I have seen men who have just attended a funeral or have just been sacked from a job that very day. I can't imagine a woman wanting sex after a bad day! I just want my friends, food, wine. But many men absolutely think that sex is a way to feel better when things are bad. So they may not realise that a stressed out wife has no libido.

Plenty of men just cheat because they feel entitled to do whatever they want. They'll sleep with a neighbour or coworker and often have exciting, dangerous romances because they just love the drama of it all. But a lot go to some lengths to minimise the chances of getting caught and blowing up their lives whilst still satisfying what is to them a desperate, aching need. Thats what pays my rent. I'm not young and beautiful, but I'm friendly and affectionate and I will make them feel good about themselves. I will be enthusiastic about sex, at least feign enjoyment of their attempts to pleasure me (the majority of them want to), and then I'll be cuddly and kind and listen to them attentively afterwards. But I really think most of them would vastly prefer sex with their wives.

Go ahead and be mad at me, or just continue to blame men for being awful if that's easier than trying to see things from their point of view. They'll just come to me and pay my bills. And yes, even your Nigel.

I think you are underestimating men by thinking that they are just constantly desperate for sex - from your descriptions it sounds as though it fulfils a need for comfort when life gets tough.

It's no wonder women who genuinely lose the urge due to hormones get frustrated as do their partners. There should be far more studies on the subject. It would be ok if both partners weren't interested in the physical side of the relationship but dredful for both if it's one sided. A sure recipe for the breakdown of marriage. I'm not including disabilities here although often this can be worked on to generate a form of intimacy suitable for both.
I say if it's a problem in the marriage don't give up and don't be afraid to talk with each other about it. There are very few men who reach middle years and lose their strong sex drive so imo its a very important subect amongst couples,not to be taken lightly. A loving considerate partner will understand although its understandable it will be extremely frustrating causing all sorts of misplaced grumpy behaviour. It's natural.

If she's tired at the end of the day and you still have energy for sex/the gym, do more so that she's not so tired. Create time for her to rest, time when she's not running after everyone else. If she has more time for herself, she might have more time for you rather than seeing you as just another chore.

And yes this might seem 'unfair' to you in that you work longer hours and do what you think is a 'fair' share of work around the house, but we are not all the same. Some people need more rest/time to themselves to thrive and it might be that she is not getting what she needs, regardless of how 'fair' your relationship is in your opinion.

It does that, along with other things. Just like a cuddle and a kind word. It is physically comforting and it reassures us that we are loved.

From what you've said, you seem to be doing your fair share at home, and I suspect that you suggesting she goes for a long bath or buying her favourite chocolates or asking her about stress at work would make little difference. It sounds as though you have a good partnership, but mismatched sex drives, and if I knew the answer to fixing that then I'd personally be very happy – I'm in the same boat as you, but in my case it's DH that's not interested. It's been this way for years and although we've talked about it periodically (over and over and over again), nothing changes. We're now at the point where we don't even talk about it because it makes me so angry and sad that I just can't discuss it any more.

I absolutely get what you say about nothing working, and I feel that DH is doing nothing to correct the issues, but is also waiting for me to give up until I eventually feel the same way as he does. He's openly admitted it's not a problem for him; he says he does understand that it's a problem for me, but then does nothing to change anything.

So I don't know what the answer is, but I just wanted to be a different voice to everyone who's saying 'oh, you need to help out more at home' etc. The fact is, an issue like this damages a marriage long term, and it doesn't matter whether you're a woman or a man, it's selfish and hurtful to let your partner turn themselves inside out over something and make no effort to try and resolve things, but instead just wait for them to give up asking.

Have you asked your wife if she thinks you should be doing more housework? Because research consistently finds that women do much more than 50%, while men think they’re doing their fair share. So even though you think you’re doing enough, it’s still possible that you aren’t. That’s why it’s a common theme in threads where men complain about the lack of sex in their relationship.

With the greatest respect for your contribution as everything counts. To be fair though if sharing housework could solve sexual problems it would be an easy fix. Sadly a lack of intimacy kills relationships simply because the couple have no idea how to resolve their issues. They don't seek professional help, councilling, marriage guidance etc, or at the very least opening up without holding back & discussing feelings honestly.

I don't think it would make me want to have sex more if DH did more housework.

I do think going to the gym is important contrary to others. Taking care of your health is attractive.

I do think you should keep asking. Because being told you are worth having sex with is important.

Self esteem can plummet at peri-meno. You get into a cycle of feeling that you are worthless and ugly and so you feel unattractive. If your other half then stops wanting sex with you, then it enforces the idea.

Maybe she hates being touched. Maybe she just wants a basic shag without the faff that goes with it. Maybe you you try and whisk her off her feet. Give her the snog of her life when she's folding laundry. Give the kids some snacks and disappear to a place they won't find you.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with housework, some women just go off sex and it doesn’t return.
I do think you need to be blunt and say you can’t go on having sex four times a year. You need to ask her what she thinks will fix the issue.. or whether it can be fixed.
I don’t think anyone shouldn’t have to stay in a sexless marriage.
if you were my DH and he pointed out the marriage was at real risk, I’d do something about it and I’d tell you what needed to change

Have a read of Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It has some great insights into sexual desire in long term relationships, and how to successfully nurture passion. A spoiler: being fit and muscular doesn’t feature.

OP says that his wife enjoys sex when he initiates it, but he wants her to initiate it.

My advice to him is to just initiate it. Appreciate that she enjoys it. Maybe it would be nice for her to jump your bones, but if sex is enjoyable for you both, do it.

The longer women go without sex, the less we tend to want it, at least in terms of libido. Don't let that happen just because you're hurt that she's not initiating.

Make love to your wife! Kindle the intimacy for a while. Communicate. Maybe once you've got things warmed up and intimacy is reestablished, you can see if she'd be open to initiating.

I wish more wives understood how important this is to men and therefor to marriage.

@Youneedkittens has nailed it.

The main reason we have minimal to no sex is my husband doesn't listen to me anymore or show any real interest in my feelings. He used to.

He also has no interest in touching me or getting me in the mood. No spark.

I do not feel attractive or special to him. Sex for men is primarily a mechanical thing, a release. And that's how he plays it.

In the early days, he would romance me, draw me put with questions, really listen. Stroke me, really make me feel desired.
Now I just feel like a piece of meat he needs to cum.

The kids in the house/ stressed/ carrying the mental load are obstacles that could be overcome but his attention, his interest in me as a person isn't there anymore.

Porn does not help, it literally makes it a hundred times worse. Instead of making the effort, creating sexual tension, etc he takes the easy way out.

I've said too much. But there it is. And I can't be alone.

We havent stopped but much less. Less connection - no time alone together to do fun stuff (apart from the deed). He looks at his phone/tablet lots when not working, is always on some household chore (not complaining) or we are nagging kids and he has a number of sports hobbies (that are time consuming - think coachng, admin and endless committee meetings). I'm just exhausted from work and loud, high energy kids. I don't need romance but i dont feel listened to, like a person

People are very into 'peri menopause' these days and some people blame it for anything after 30.

Hormone levels are an objective thing that can be tested if she wants to do that.

I'm 46 and don't have any 'peri menopause' as far as I know, even though I'm expecting actual menopause any day based on when my mum had it.

But I know everyone's different.

I'm just not into everyone assuming many common things are due to 'peri' over two decades of a women's life span. Especially things starting in the 30s.

@Dadvice I know you say you're a CPN, but could she have low mood? My mood has effected my libido at times for sure.

The problem is that for the person without much libido, lack of sex isn't a problem, but being nagged for sex is.

I think the only person that can give you the answers you need (if anyone) is your wife.

People are very into peri menopause these days because the medical community is actually starting to research the subject instead of disregarding the very serious physical, mental and emotional symptoms that it can cause and just chucking anti depressants at them instead.

It is a real thing and if anyone actually knows a thing about it you would be aware that hormones involved in a women's cycles fluctuate daily and there is not current blood test that can diagnose Peri, it is assessed by symptoms reported.

Men have a 24hr hormone cycle, your testicles take care of that for you, womens hormones go through a monthly cycle, the length of which is varied from woman to woman.

Women are different to men, stop looking at it solely from what sex means to you and what you think is fair or not.

A thought that came to my mind when you said "I dont feel attractive to him" The most important thing IMO is for women to first & foremost feel attractive within themselves & to portray this confidence to their partner. A perfect figure, face, hair etc is not what it's about, rather making the most of ourselves as we are. The next thought to do with ''not feeling special to him"
If we are honest how many of us can say we go out of our way to make our partners feel extra special, yet we are quick to expect this from them. Again just general food for thought for everyone without knowing individual circumstances.

One of the problems with porn - apart from the exploitative basis of it - is that men get what they want simply and easily without having to actually relate to a fellow human being - without having to be a grown adult. And it often results in dissatisfaction with their wives because they do not do all that they see onscreen.

The OP seems to think that having his wife initiate sex is worth getting in a fret over. She enjoys it when he initiates it which is a massive bonus. And it may have to be enough. She is not being paid (or drugged up) to leap on you like the women/girls/victims in porn vids. She is just a normal - tired - woman. Women on the porn vids are not the same as normal women.

Im 61 and to be honest haven't been interested in the last 15 years- I occasionally do stuff to make him happy but im genuinely not bothered. If im honest Ive always really had to fancy someone to want it at all and I stopped really fancying him around that time but still cared about him a great deal. Then found out about the fact he had been a shit to me 8 years before that point and also his secretive chronic porn use. Killed my sex drive completely- I did give him the choice and told him the score and he didn't want to split.

Maybe your wife simply isn't into you in that way anymore OP-but likes the lifestyle and does care about you a great deal. It does happen

Nobody seems to have mentioned how she feels about her own body over the years? OP does she ever talk negatively about herself, e.g. complain about having gained or not being able to shift weight? Did she sustain any birth injuries during the 3 kids? Could she possibly have had lasting issues (incontinence or pelvic prolapse) that she has hidden from you for many years? Does she enjoy shopping and spending money on things just for her own appearance (clothes, makeup, hairstylist etc)? Does she have any money to spare to spend on herself, or do the children and household always come first? When you go on holiday, does she happily walk around in a bikini or always try to cover up with a kaftan, swimsuit or something similar? Does she paint her fingernails and toenails? Does she groom herself like making sure armpits, legs and possibly bikini zone are shaved (even in the absence of intimacy)?

All of these are potential red flags why a woman no longer wants sex. It has absolutely nothing to do with the attractiveness of their partner. Their own body no longer feels sexy and as soon as self-care tasks start to slide, it only multiplies that feeling. Just going to the gym a few times is absolutely nowhere near enough for a woman to feel better or happy in her own body. There are so many things that need to be done on a regular basis (shopping, grooming,. makeup, hair, nails, perfume etc) to make her feel somewhat sexy, desirable and as a individual woman again. It also requires time and money, two things that are in sore short supply if you are juggling a household of 3 kids.

If you want her to feel better, give her as much time to herself as possible. Let her have at least half a day a week to do whatever she wants. Go shopping together or go to places that require a bit of dressing up. Let the older siblings take care of the little one and book regular weekends away with just the two of you.

Breaking this down from your wife’s perspective:

My husband wants more sex but I don’t have the energy for it. He “tries” to do his fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that, but I do the lion’s share – eg of ironing, he does 25% and I do 75%.

He works 55 hours a week and I do 25 hours work, all the schoolruns and homework, so about the same but with higher mental load and less satisfaction, school runs being less fulfilling than work – plus my job is self employed and stressful, but he says no more than anyone else’s.

I’m not thrilled with my body, I have a muffin top, but although my husband says I’m attractive “for my age” , he encouraged me to go to the gym. And early in the morning! He has no understanding of how exhausted I am. I’m perimenopausal, I get the kids up, breakfasted, to school, go to work, do the school run and supervise homework, so despite working 25 hours I’ve little time to myself, even though he wants me to see myself as more than just mum – but when do I get the chance if I’m always doing school runs and homework? And he says that’s just the way life is right now.

Our sex life was OK but he has no idea when I’ve faked orgasms or just had sex out of duty. He keeps asking me if I’m still having orgasms and I’m like “shouldn’t you know?!”

He says he can’t take on any more of the household chores than he already does, but has the energy for his new gym obsession. Also, he spells it “restbite”.