Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

You are saying she's not telling you what the issue is.

This is probably true.

She may not know what the issue is. However, given that you are in a long term relationship the chances are high that it is emotional rather than anything else.

So, possibilities:

Hormones make a massive difference to sex drive. Has she changed contraception? Possibly in peri-menopause? (Age 45 plus is possible for this).

If she's doing the lion's share for three kids and working part time she may be feeling like sex is just another demand on her time from yet another family member. This is very likely. In which case you are going to need to think carefully about how both of your needs can be met.

Try having a conversation where you ask what you can take off her plate. Do a few months of being supportive emotionally before saying to her that sex is important to you and you'd really like to make changes so that she is able to feel like it's not a chore.

Finally, and brutally, she clearly isn't enjoying it much.
I stopped having sex with my ExH because I didn't really enjoy it and eventually it was just painful and hassle. He thought he was being thoughtful and trying new things and most of them hurt.

Is she peri menopausal? I find my dh attractive but have zero sex drive at the moment

Life is pretty stressful - I find it almost impossible to switch off and into sex mode.

My eldest goes to bed later than I do so no opportunity in the evening.

I hate morning sex which is really the only opportunity.

But ultimately? I fell in love with someone else and from them in, I just couldn't.

It's just in my head, I'm thinking oh god she's gonna think I'm pestering her again, especially straight afterwards! Not that she does anything to make me feels this way, in a conscious level anyway. So it stops me initiating and throw on some porn more often than not and sort myself out or just go and do something to busy myself till its out of my mind.

You think I should go back to trying more. Half my thought to trying less was hoping that she would get the urge, which did not happen.

Few women want to have sex with a man who regularly watches porn.

That’s not true. It never bothered me (back when I had a sex drive lol).

I do work about 55 hours a week though so I wouldn't expect to be carrying 50/50 household while she works 25 hours a week + schoolruns and homework.

If my partner had this attitude it would put me off having sex with him. The mental load of managing work and school runs, homework etc. can be enormous. I know this because I did it when my children were young. I now work 55+ hours a week. It’s a walk in the park in comparison.

Understandably you seem to think she will react like a man with this urge.

No, she won't get this urge and initiate especially at this point.

Women do not experience sex and desire in the same way men do, sorry but you need to understand that at least so you can reduce even more disappointment.

Everyone is talking about the OP’s wife like she’s running around after 3 toddlers all day. The children are aged 20, 16 and 9. I’m not saying that isn’t still a super busy life, but I would have thought the older two are fairly independent, there’s only 1 school run, and no sleepless nights with teething babies and whatnot.

I look at it differently. I think many women do not have a constant sex drive like testosterone fueled men. I think for them it mostly lies dormant and then spikes at times in her life when being sexually actively meets a need.

For example, securing a mate, procreating, financial security, etc. It's easier for women because, if there's nothing in it for them, they don't have that urge to fulfill.

Unfortunately for you OP, that means that if she is happily secure with her mate and does not want any more offspring, her need for sex will stay dormant.

OP, men on here are usually given a hard time.

You sound very reasonable and fair. The children are not babies, and it sounds like you've made steps both for yourself, as a couple, and as a family to make this long standing issue better.

Lots of men would take the easy option and have an affair and so I admire you for trying to look at other avenues to put this right.

1. Talk to your wife again, and tell her this is an issue that is making you feel this way.

1. Suggest some counselling to have an impartial person who might offer some solutions (as of course your wife may talk about why this has happened)

1. You let her know this is not something you can cope with long term and it needs resolving.

Do any factors make things better/worse? If you go away on holiday, does she have more of a libido?

If it's affecting you to the point where it is a possible reason to end the relationship, suggest sex therapy (to attend together) to explore things further.

In what way has he been given a hard time?
He has been given some insight from other women and the only thing he has activley done is to go to the gym which obviously hasn't worked for him.

Mine is I just don’t get time to myself.

between work, kids, house, pets, all the shit that occupies my mind all the time, planning, making lists, thinking oh that needs doing…

to get in the mood I need to be wound down, relaxed, with nothing nagging at me or needing doing. Problem is by the time I’ve done dinner, cleaned up, sorted a load of washing for the morning, it’s bedtime. My mind’s still twirling and I want to watch shit tv to reset and blank the days crap out. Then I’m half asleep and want to sleep, not wake up for sex.

probably the best thing that would help me is being able to wind down a few hours earlier- consistently, not a one off.

so I would suggest really pitching in, take the day to day load off so she has more time to be considering sex, which drops rapidly down your list of priorities when every minute is filled with doing stuff for other people…

I think this is really difficult, and you could almost be my dh (but I know you’re not unless you’ve changed the amount of kids we have and our ages 😆). We’ve talked about this so many times and we’re now in a situation where I’m trying to meet him halfway, initiating more because I know it’s so important to him and he’s happier and it’s making our marriage better. So that’s great. But sadly the bottom line is I couldn’t really care less about it anymore. I feel like I’ve had enough sex to last me a lifetime and yeah whilst it’s nice when we get into it the whole physical effort as I’m getting older is akin to putting my trainers on and going for a jog and I literally just cannot be bothered. That is the truth. I would rather just have a tea and go to bed. I always had a high sex drive as a younger person - dh and I had sex twice a day every day for the first few years (!) but now all the HRT in the world isn’t bringing that back. I don’t really know what the answer is, either your wife needs to realise how much it means to you and meet you half way (and I want to be clear here that dh would never pressure me as such, it was my decision to initiate more and he thinks I’ve suddenly had some sort of surge of renewed interest) or you need to accept the kind of sex life you want is over, but maybe that’s worth that for the trade off of living with your kids and staying together.

Is it obvious you fancy her? I think that would help in my relationship.

Because DP's medication made him impotent and not taking it will reduce his life expectancy buy many years. I'd rather have no sex and him, than not have him at all.

It could be perimenopause. I'm 44 and my periods started changing about 8 years ago and I had hot flushes from age 39. My sex drive has been non-existent for several years. I have tried various HRT regimes over the last couple of years. Recently increased to high dose of oestrogel (4 pumps) due to my age and migraines, and I've started to feel a slight flicker of my sex drive again! Not much though. Perhaps I need testosterone too, which drops in women around menopause, but I haven't spoken to the doctor about that yet, and am worried about unwanted side effects.

You sound very like my husband, who has been wonderful and very patient. I feel so guilty and bad for my husband, as I know he's unhappy with the lack of intimacy too, but he never pressures me because he's not like that.

It's been a long road and we're not out of the woods yet. Perhaps we will need some couples counselling to feel more comfortable discussing sex again.

I don't know if any of this is helpful. I just know that, for me, my hormones started changing younger than most women, and it's had a devastating effect on my energy levels and sex drive. And it has caused no end of other symptoms, such as exhaustion, dizziness, migraines, anaemia, weight gain, etc. We also have a 3 year old, so that's exhausting too, even though I'm lucky enough not to have to work.

I really hope you and your wife can resolve this issue and regain your intimacy. Good luck.

Oh, also, intercourse itself has become painful, so that might also be a possibility.

I've been there- you could try a different BC pill, I agree with touching that doesn't have an expectation of sex, and mostly taking an honest look at what you do around the house and for the mental load, this is so important. Also try taking her out for dinner or a weekend away.

you said it yourself - she's tired after sorting the kids morning and evening and working. Offer to help with some of the things making her tired and I bet she becomes more interested in you!

Good point

Oh, and my head is in Mum-mode almost all of the time. So I feel like I've lost my identity as an individual woman.

I also agree with PP about wanting to have intimacy without (feeling in my head) the expectation of it leading to sex.

Do you ever cuddle her, kiss her or compliment her for the sake of it, not just for sex? Maybe she wants to feel more cherished.

parenting a 16 year old and a 9 year old can still be hard work - emotionally draining if not physically draining!

If your wife is in, or entering, perimenopause she may be having a tough time of things. Have a read of this page and look at the list of issues she may be dealing with.

Advice for husbands.