Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

My DH would say he does his fair share. He does 10 percent at most and none of the mental load.

If the kids need something who do they messsge? Do you know your DCs teachers, plans for the weekend, what is needed to be purchased for them in the next couple of months? What are you organising for Xmas?

If you want to raise it, then it needs to be from a what can I do to enhance our sex life point of view.

Your attitude towards household management is a right turn off for me. When it's like this at home sex is just another chore. Also being desperate for sex/ acting starved of sex is a really off putting.

This makes absolutely no sense, how could it possibly have become creepy if you've only initiated sex 4 times in a year? What a load of bull shit.

Maybe she's not comfortable instigating or isn't that bothered about having sex but then gets in the mood when you start things up.

If she hardly ever says no then why have you only initiated sex 4 times so far this year if you want to have it more than that?

Honestly you're clearly full of crap one way or another.

Hormones play a huge part in this, as everyone has said. In every other species females stop seeking sex once they’re no longer fertile, but women seem expected to have the same libido as a 20 year old. But let’s forget the hormones for a moment. Take yourself back to when you were first dating. What happened in the run up to sex that isn’t happening now?

Did you go dancing together? Did you snog? Did you snuggle on the sofa together? Did you rub her shoulders/feet while asking insightful questions about her feelings? Did you listen to her problems and express sympathy (not annoying problem solving or dismissal)? When did you last buy her flowers or a book you thought she’d enjoy?

My experience has been that when men finally notice that their wife is no longer seeking sex, this is a long time after the man stopped bothering with all the steps that stoke female desire. You may be good at the mechanics of sex, but are you any good at romance? Forget marital aids, they may hit the spot but they aren’t sexy and are the complete opposite of romance. Focus on rediscovering romance and sex will turn up no problem.

Do you smile at her? Make her laugh? Kiss her neck? Or do you just suggest sex? Nothing kills my libido faster than DH suggesting he’s got some free time available later for sex. I don’t want an appointment, I’m not a sex worker. I want a nice kiss, a smile, an expression of interest in my life, and a hug that isn’t sexual. I do not want groping, requests for sex, or suggestions of sex toys.

Multiple reasons right now.

The number one reason is contraception. My husband doesn't want a vasectomy, fair enough as it's his body. I'm disabled, 43 years old and hormonal contraceptives make my chronic pain condition worse. An unplanned pregnancy right now would be devastating.

Second major reason is our children are teenagers, and stay awake way later than us. Our house is small and we share a bedroom wall with one of their rooms, so opportunity is rare unless we both happen to wake in the middle of the night.

Other factors are my pain due to aforementioned disability and perimenopause playing havoc with my hormones. Also we both have stressful jobs and work long hours, it's a struggle to keep on top of the house and commitments at the moment.

If the teenagers weren't in the house and there was no chance of pregnancy then I think sex would be more frequent. I hope so, anyway, as I miss the closeness with my husband.

This is key!
Plus the porn.

Have you asked your wife how she feels about you initiating sex? Tell her you are worried that you are being a pest (whereas she may be happy with the situation)

^this!

If she peri-mens is that not adding to her struggles? Is he’s buff and she’s struggling with how she perceives herself to be, is it adding to her struggles?
Would it not be better to have a conversation about how she feels rather than than to start with “I want more sex and you are denying me”?

I agree with others the perimenopause has knocked me sidewards - I feel shocking, low, bloated, dowdy and many, many other things- I am very lucky my husband adores me and I him - but my sex drive is zero really! Dr Louise Newson writes some good stuff looking at all aspects of the menopause process. It maybe worth having a look at her stuff - for understanding.

Sex may also start to be uncomfortable and sore, we have had to work hard to find a way through this - so lots of cuddles, time out together even if its a walk or drive together to pick the kids up! Always an I love you each day!! We don’t always have sex either, but other things which are just as enjoyable but not as sore.

At 40 her hormones are probably still ok, it's probably not that. Especially as you said this low level of sex has already been the case for a few years.

PP's have given loads of good suggestions.

Your solution to sexlessness was to spend time in the gym alone.

It's even better than that, @Runnerduck34. He attempted to 'sell' her the gym visits as a way to spend time together...

I did the gym thing because it was an easy thing to do, I sold it as a couples thing to have more time together as she would make the odd comment, muffintop, the usual mum bod hangups but it's all in her head, she's healthy. But she stopped going a few weeks in, so I just go in the early mornings by myself, if anything else it helps me not worry about this situation.

She could always see the doctor and get a test of her hormone levels if she likes.

There is no test for peri menopause. Hormone levels fluctuate wildly at this time.

This 🙌🏼

My husband does some of the more minor jobs like the dishwasher and the bin as if that’s him done his fair share. I’d say the laundry is the biggest job because there is so much planning involved in making sure everyone’s clothes are washed, things are sorted into colours, bedding is washed, towels are washed, there’s space to dry everything, all the dried clothes are then sorted into piles and the things that need ironing are ironed before finally putting them away and in the middle of all that there’s more clothes needing washed 😥

Cleaning is the second biggest job I’d say, especially things like cleaning bathrooms. If my husband did little bits of jobs like that I’d be blown away 😂

You say she "only" does 25 hours, but if you add school drop offs & homework to that that's easily 40 hours, assuming a 15 min each way school pick up.

So 40 hours AND the bulk of the housework - that's got to be easily 55 hours. Add on the household mental load (I know no men who do this) and you've got someone juggling much more than you are. I love and fancy my husband very, very much but there are times during sex that I'm working through a shopping list in my head. Best thing you can do is send your wife away for a week. A week where there's a fancy dress day at school, 3 kids parties at the weekend (with presents to buy and outfits to plan for each one) , older teens who need picking up / money lent to them, and when your youngest's best friend needs dropping off and picking up as their mum and dad are working late.

Then see whether you fancy a shag at 11pm on a Sunday night when you can finally breathe.

I'm not saying you don't have a problem, but I take umbrage with your hour counting. Your wife is working less hours to allow you to work more. Think about that.

Some valid points here although I feel its generalising perhaps a little too much. My children are young adults now and despite working, albeit part time, doing the majority of child care & household tasks when they were growing up (DH works long hours) I never once lost interest in intimacy & nothing has changed. In fact the older we get the more we connect & fancy each other, no need for anything other than good communication, regular hugs & spending time together as a family & couple.
My thoughts are OP needs to lay his cards on the table & find out the real reason for a lack of desire for intimacy from his partner. It sounds like there is more to this than meets the eye.

Sex and intimacy are very different. Your focus seems to be sex, the actual act, to create a sense of intimacy. Try focusing on sensual acts without expecting sex. Back rubs, foot massage, quiet evening cuddling, glass of wine, all the wooing. Go easy, not over the top, not constant, just a night or two here and there and take the pressure off.

Not rtft but what's the contraception arrangement? The mini pill can be bad for sex drive.
How exhausted is she? Can you take on some of the early mornings maybe?
Hope things work out for you both.

My sex drive can take a complete nosedive some times. It doesn't mean I don't find my husband attractive, so it's very possible she is having an 'off' time. For me that has lasted a long time now!

I tell DH to leave me alone when I'm not interest but I don't find him a creep.

You need to have an open conversation with her and see where she's at with all this

OP, obligation is the enemy of enjoyment.

That your wife knows how much you are craving sex with her is, IMO, the biggest turn off for her. But you can turn this around.

Keep going to the gym, start another hobby, meet up with your own friends etc, and generally start appearing as if everything if fine.

You sound like a great husband to me, but neediness is the biggest turn off off all time. I really think if you carry on being the good husband you are, but start to appear happy (and maybe a little aloof) and a bit more independent of your marriage, there could be a really positive turn around for you.

As I say, I do my share of work around the home, and 55 hours is the bare minimum right now with the cost of living. I am a psychiatric nurse and I work with a portion of the population to risky for society. If I'm working 55/75 hours a week I literally don't have time for more than the chores I mentioned, and a few hours of the sofa together in the evening. I go to the gym on my breaks which has been the only thing giving me restbite from my home life. If my partner didn't appreciate me and the effort I go to keep our home and lifestyle and family life (which I know she does) I wouldn't want to be with her fullstop and I'd tell her so.

DH growing a beard and long hair has made sure it's just not happening for a long time. Busy family life too which also stops me feeling bothered anyway. Just want to collapse into bed at the end of the day 🤷🏻

Why work so much? It’s clearly impacting on your wife.

Men can't win on here! Maybe so she can work part time?