Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

Leave her be and stop questioning her.

Bring the romance back into the relationship, be kind, thoughtful and make her laugh.

Hold her hand without asking for anything in return.

All women love a man who is a great dad and is kind, considerate, thoughtful and makes a woman laugh.

Does your wife know about your use of porn?

It is deeply offensive and stomach turning to many women the fascination many men have with young teen porn ( child abuse) deep throat BJ (many women have choked to death doing this), often written in news articles as ',sex game gone wrong'; and anal sex ( this has caused a huge spike in female faecal incontinence as the female anatomy is not designed for this).

Do you think this might have had an impact?

You're just going to have to swallow the fact that you will be the one to initiate. If you have a read about responsive desire you might find it applicable to you and your wife's situation - this kind of shift of sexuality is very common for women in LTRs and it doesn't mean she loves you any less or finds you any less attractive.

I too noticed the underlying anger in the responses like PP.

I also noticed the remark about not doing 50/50 as you work in a stressful job and she is part-time.

TBH I'm fairly bored with the stressful job = not having to pull the yoke equally. I work inpatient MH and it's a great job. Lots of chatting to colleagues and patients. LOTS of sitting around being available (or pretending) and lots of complaining.

You also say you've been a parent as long as your wife like it's a competition but you didn't carry them or give birth or sacrifice your career. What came out of your body to create those kids does not equal what came out of hers and the impact it has.

I think that your comments reek of entitlement and are a preamble to give yourself permission to leave or cheat without feeling guilty and maintain the facade of good guy.

Your wife knows.

Yes I got that. But kindly now I am trying to explain to you that this is your issue, not your wife's. The reason you aren’t having more sex is because of you. You feel guilt after having sex with your wife. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.

Your wife might be happy to only have sex 4 times a year, but she also might be feeling sexually frustrated too, unloved and unsexy - thinking that you mustn’t really want to have sex with her any more because you never try anymore. It may have knocked her confidence, think you don’t fancy her anymore, she’s too scared to initiate now because you haven’t tried to have sex with her for 3 months!

Have a very very honest chat with your wife about your sex lives. Don’t just go in guns blazing saying you need more sex, why aren’t you having more sex. She will feel attacked and that you are placing all the blame on her. And then sex will become more unlikely because she now feels pressure and blame around sex. Have a chat saying you miss the intimacy, have you ever told her honestly about how you feel after sex? Tell her about the guilt you feel after. Is she on the same page or not at all? Come up with a plan together on how you can get over that issue. If it’s too difficult to have that conversation with your wife, then book in for a couples therapy session to discuss it with help from a therapist.