Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

If you are still exhausting yourself going daily grind for your 20 year old neurotypical adult offspring you've patented badly.

@potatoheads thank you my patents are fine :)

@Acornsoup autocorrect aside, no one should be exhausting themselves with daily grind for a 20 year old

Who said exhausted?

Could be she's mildly resentful, bored, unfulfilled, finds you vain, can't find an emotional connection, finds your pawing cloying rather than romantic.

The first couple of posts he genuinely seemed so lovely and I was sympathetic, but as I’ve read through, the sympathy waned as this angry, sarcastic misogynist begun to emerge, which is a shame as respondents have been really nice.

Yes, this! OP’s last posts have a real “the gloves are off, no more mr nice guy” vibe.

You are a psychiatric Nurse OP. Your job is to understand and and help people. You wouldn't be posting here unless you were at your wits end within your relationship due to lack of intimacy. Rest assured there are people here who do understand from your point of view and wish you all the best in 'fixing' your marriage. It's not always physician heal thyself so perhaps couples therapy would help, just a suggestion.

Their dc are 20,16 and 9. Why would they need parenting at the crack of dawn? Wow people parent weirdly on MN

I wonder when people will pile on you here and say it's because you aren't pulling your weight and it's all your own fault that your dh doesn't want to have sex with you

Meant to mention you can get couples therapy online although I'm sure you are aware of this.

Indeed. First, we need her to give an outline of how many hours she works and what she does around the house. Then we can suggest more things she ought to do, whilst making it clear that we doubt she's giving an honest assessment of what she's already doing.

It is often no-one's fault - it simply is; and each couple has to find a way of working things out.

But turning to porn is about disengagement when engagement is what is needed.

@potatoheads actually in their 30s I don't think this at all- I think he has to make it clear it's a big issue for him - which is why I said so- but don't be suprised if it doesn't change and then you have to make a choice-.sometimes people simply no longer feel that way towards another and it's not actually anything you haven't /have done

Thing is we get quite a lot of blokes on here in their 50s and 60s saying the same as the OP and I think it's a different situation if I'm honest. I think my reply was more generalist than aimed at the OP in this case- although I stand by the fact his later posts don't make him sound particularly 'nice'

@potatoheads if I can also say that yes- I think some women hate all men , but it's not that common - plenty of women hate 'some men' or a certain type of man- sane is true in reverse

I actually like plenty of men, I'm just not that bothered about sex as I've got older and particularly post menopause- doesn't make me a man hater, just asa bloke of my age who isn't bothered about sex isn't necessarily a woman hater.

I do accept though if you have a partner who doesn't want that and can't accept it then decisions have to be made

It stands out to me that the wife is late 30s and the oldest child is 20. If all the children belong to the couple together, that means she's been married and having children since she was a teenager. It sounds like she didn't have time in her first youth to have fun, experiment and enjoy figuring out what she's into as a woman. I'm sure that kind of life works out for a lot of people, but many others start to feel bored when they approach middle age.

I have several mum friends of a similar age who've been with the same man their entire lives, usually their high school sweetheart, and they're starting to wonder if that's all there's going to be to their lives.

@CatsWillRuleTheWorld I think there’s something in this, and particularly that the youngest child was a surprise – one that commits her to several more years of having a child at home than she’d anticipated. For all that posters are saying “oh, 20, 16 and 9, no parenting needed!”, it’s a long time to be the primary carer/person who comes second to everyone else’s needs (which includes the OP’s needs).

Indeed. Perhaps it's time for them to part. They are so young. Celibate from your 30s is not a healthy relationship unless both parties want it that way v

The same can be said for 40s 50s 60s & beyond if fit & healthy & still desiring of a fulfilling sex life. It's a total myth that all women in this age group lose interest although granted its not unusual for many including young people if not that way inclined for whatever reason.

I don’t think it’s as simple as are you pulling your weight around the house, maybe do more housework and your wife will want to jump your bones. But there is some truth to this. Myself and my close female friends are all married in late 30s or early 40s. we talk about our relationships/sex a lot. In my friendship group the wives just feel like their husband doesn’t treat them as an equal partner anymore, they feel like the side act / support human to their husbands, and that doesn’t make them feel desired or sexy. They want their husband to see them as an equal (even though they all work part-time and earn less than their husband) but generally do longer hours of physical work every day. Their husband works 8-10 hour shifts (and they are very appreciative of this) but then hubby comes home and puts his feet up at 6pm while wife is still making kids dinner, helping them with homework, making lunchboxes for tomorrow, ironing piles of clean washing from earlier in the day, tidying up, don’t get to sit down until all kids are in bed at 9pm. Hubby feel he is unappreciated because his big important job pays the mortgage and his wife should want to then dress up in stockings and show him how thankful she is. And he feels unloved and unappreciated. Whereas wife is exhausted all evening running around while hubby is sat in the sofa watching sports, scratching his balls and drinking a beer….. she feels unappreciated and unsupported and the last things she wants is sex with him after that. I can see both sides - after long marriages I think it’s easy to both feel unappreciated and to stop doing all the things that show you appreciate each other. Communication is really important, to truly talk to each other about how you are feeling. And how you can both make the other feel more appreciated and loved. Ask your wife to be really honest - what could you do to make her feel truly loved and appreciated. If you can tackle that, then I’m sure the intimacy will improve. Most women need strong emotional intimacy in a long term relationship, in order to connect for great physical intimacy.

Also what really stood out to me in your original post is that you said you always initiate sex and that she always is happy to have sex when you do …….. but that you’ve only had sex 4 times in a year. You can’t complain about only having sex once every three months, when you have only initiated sex once every 3 months! Just give up on waiting for her to initiate sex, yes it would be lovely if she did and would be a turn on for you, but you’ve tried that experiment and it hasn’t worked. Give up on waiting for her to want it. If you want more sex then initiate more sex!

I've said this, too. I also added that doing so will nurture intimacy and make his wife more likely to initiate than taking the opposite tack. Not that it's guaranteed, but the odds are better.

I wish OP would address it.

That's part of the issue I'm having right now, is this going to be all I have, is this now me forever and its a difficult thought to swallow. And perhaps she also thinks this, and I want her to be happy and not just staying and being the dutiful wife because she thinks its the right thing to do but that is a difficult conversation, one that is probably coming sooner rather than later.

I've already sort of explained this, its the feelings of guilt afterwards, did my wife just have sex with my to placate me. Its horrifying to me.

I get what you are saying, but it also goes the same for me, I've been married just as long, I've been having kids since my teens, neither of us had time to enjoy our youth with our friends.

Your body doesn't change or become damaged with pregnancy or birth, it is an entirely different experience and does have an effect especially mentally, it's not nice and can make a woman feel very negatively about her body.
Again, your hormones get updated every day, your wife will have gone through many hormone changes every month for years and years, do not underestimate the effect they have.
If your wife says she enjoys sex when you initiate it then you either have to trust her and perhaps get some therapy about why you refuse to accept that or leave her because she deserves to be with someone that trusts what she says.