Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

He married his second wife. I wouldn't shag a married man.

Yikes I missed that. Especially for near 40!

If you've been together and had kids at 18 she's probably also wondering what if...She's never been an adult without being a mum and wife.

We are 49 and 52 and our sex life has never been better 🤷‍♀️.
We have more time and energy than when the kids were younger.

f**k me, some of the comments on here. Just want to address them.

watching porn is disgusting: im sorry but this comes down to not knowing men. If your partner/s said they never watch porn then either they are lying/ have no sex drive or you give them lots of sex. Should i say that women using a vibrator is disgusting then as the majorty of men do not use sex toys. NO!, learn to understand things both ways!

you expect sex when your wife does everything: he explained he does his fair share. None of us will truly know this as we dont know this person but as always you will always side with the woman. It shouldnt matter if its a man or women. If you go on about this you might aswell still be living pre 90's. Its so common now for a man to assume both roles and men are so much better now sharing the load. Not just for sex but its what the imprint is like these days. Its time to understand evolution from both point of views.

The kids: the amount of times i hear women say that after having kids its too much for them, thats fine and we men understand and we adjust to try and improve the situation but as usual its seen from a 1 point of view. The woman is the mother so she is the one who takes on the most load. Im sorry ladys but if you have a look through this forum you will see many women who have had 2/3/4 kids and they complain the man doesnt want sex. This comes down to my point again that it doesnt matter if your a man or a women, its down to the balance of the relationship and if 1 person is not happy with something then try to improve it the best you can. If the woman says i need more help then goddam the man needs to help more, find time and sort things out so she can relax more. If the man says he would like more sex (if you class it as a sexless marriage) then find a way to improve the situation so you can balance things out.

I could go on but there is too much. Ill put my final point below.

Even though my comment is geared towards women, the reason it is is because all the negative comments are from women and not men. This is usually down to a man not talking about the situation or scared to say something because of backlash. Hell, im in this situation myself but ive got clarity on life and know how to move forward from here. Its all about balance, its not about being a man or a woman. If you are a woman/man and dont want sex then just tell your partner rather than let them go into resentment or depression from it. Learn to get a balance and understand the other person no matter what the gender. We live in the 20th century fot gods sake. Its all about maintaining a healthy relationship and the key to this all is communication. If you dont have that then its pretty difficult to move forward. Its a scary thing to feel alone and be scared to voice your opinion but it is what it is and if you want to improve life then you need to communicate and it doesnt matter if you are a man or a woman.

watching porn is disgusting: im sorry but this comes down to not knowing men. If your partner/s said they never watch porn then either they are lying/ have no sex drive or you give them lots of sex. Should i say that women using a vibrator is disgusting then as the majorty of men do not use sex toys. NO!, learn to understand things both ways!

^ do you know the history of the female vibrator? How is it linked to the sexual exploitation of vulnerable women and girls? You don't seem to know men either!

Oh thank god you are here!

Arent we blessed!

@Pumpkingnome so you are saying that because he finds his wife attractive even though he mentioned her age for being 40 it makes him not want to be fucked. Im sorry but he is trying to put it into context and thats something i hear alot from both genders. Im pretty sure i hear this alot from both men and women i.e for their age they are really hot. Lets not snowflake this up.

@Isthisexpected again im going to refer to my point, this is not pre 90's. Its not about the past, its about the present. If a woman uses a vibrator im pretty sure its because she wants a fullfilment to release any tension or pleasure she needs. It doesnt have to be about sex, its just about letting go.

Im not refering to sexual exploitation of vulnerable women and girls as you have stated. That is taking it way out of context and trying to create something from nothing. Its about a comparison

@AnthonyMontana would like to hear more on your opinion?

Mate - given your other post about your failed marriage and wife who doesnt want to have sex with you - I am really not sure how wise it is to be posting any of this, no?

Perhaps if you started listening to why women dont want to have sex - you might have your answers? Rather than seeking to prove women 'wrong' - how is this serving you? Got laid yet?

😄😄 snowflake this up?

You can tell he watches porn from that comment alone. He's implying by the 'especially' part that women in their late 30's aren't usually attractive anymore, which is ridiculous!

You sound like a guy who’s trying harder than most of my friend’s husbands.

I’d consider a weekend away just you two - getting away from the home and the mental noise the home with 3 kids being ….and doing the holding hands and romance thing in a low key way can remind you what’s great about being a couple …..intimacy and possibly sex follows ….

Btw the gym thing for you may have made her feel inadequate body wise ? Just a thought

You are massively overthinking it. There are so many reasons why sex changes. My kids are older if can feel like they can sense or overhear. I can't always relax until my older kids have gone to sleep and that's late. Sometimes you want too and think it's been a while but then by the time your head hits the pillow it's not a priority as your knackered. It's just different it's not something that's there all the time. It's a nice to do not a priority. It's probably not reflective of you. You sound a decent guy but yet you are thinking about ending a long term relationship with 3 kids involved because you don't get enough sex. It's just sex it's not love. It may get better over time it may get worse but what would make me feel like having no sex is someone feeling like it's more important than if I love them.

@AnthonyMontana im not denying a failed marraige at all, it is. Im talking about a balance. Yes ive posted about this and want to hear storys of other people as i have a view from both sides whether its men or women.

I do listen and this is where obviously you dont. You have a narrow view of how things are or its probably that you do have a succesfull side of marraige but posting how you have done shows you dont view things in a balance light. You are probably hoping to get the approval you need/want

ok mate. let me know when you've scored!

@Pumpkingnome haha your comment did give me a giggle. If you read my comment its about the context, not the age. The guy wants help to improve his marriage and not have timewasters like yourself give their pointless single minded opinion.

@AnthonyMontana might want to read my post again. Its not about women or men, its about balance.

It is a problem for you but it isn't a problem for your wife. She doesn't want more sex- she enjoys the amount she has but could actually probably manage quite nicely with less and feels like she IS doing her bit by never saying no to you. You may have to accept this compromise if you want to keep your marriage.

Give it time, keep initiating and letting her know how awesome she is. I am forever grateful my DH never gave up on me. In my case it was exhaustion, getting out of the habit and hormones but they kicked back in at 40.

You arent getting it!

you can spout about balance all day!

you can!

No one is stopping you!

is it getting you laid? NO!

like i say. let me know when this approach works out for you, mate!

Im not responding further :)

@AnthonyMontana haha no its not getting me laid and thats what im trying to point out. If you cant come to a balance then there is no point, it doesnt work either way.

Good chatting :)

My husband stopped fancying me . I don't know if he ever did to be honest. He might be gay or asexual. Or he just doesn't fancy me that much. I think he likes me as a person though.

Did you miss the bit when he said he works 55 hours a week to provide for his family plus does some housework?

We used to undervalue women's work now it's the opposite. Going with your logic she's not doing enough either as she should be working 40 hours a week as an adult and support her family financially if she wants 50/50 split in the house. I'm absolutely not saying she should, I'm saying that should be the case if we apply 50/50 rule then it should be applied to both men and women.

The reality is desire in long term relationships often decreases. Especially for women. It's something that has to be maintained and requires effort on both sides to keep the spark going.

There is a saying "use it or lose it"
Going without for long periods often results in the less you want it, especially for women. I hasten to add I'm not speaking from personal experience it's just something I've heard. I've no answers other than it sounds like this needs serious discussion. Try to find out if there might be ways to turn her on more that she hasn't communicated. I hope it works out for you both.

Have a look at these three quotes.

I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.*

Housework wise, she does the lions share, [you describe your input] She's told me she appreciates what I do.

She's tired after the getting the kids up, getting the kids out, going to work and then school runs and home work. But that's just the way it is for now.

And you think joint trips to the gym might be the answer? She's shattered. She doesn't get to focus on her chosen hobby (art not gym btw). But that's just how it is, because you "try" to do your fair share.

I'm not claiming this is the whole answer, it can be nuanced. But a lot of women hold it together for years and then something has to drop.