Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

So it stops me initiating and throw on some porn more often than not and sort myself out - and there you have it - it took a page and a half to get to it - but there it is.

Personally I do not fancy men who gain gratification from voyeurism and endorsement of the appalling denigration and exploitation of women that is involved in the porn industry.

You’re assuming his wife knows he watches porn. Maybe she doesn’t have a clue. Or maybe she isn’t bothered. Not everyone is (I am).

It sounds like you are doing everything you can but I am wondering is it a big deal if you initiate every time? I am a bit lazy generally and definitely around sex, i almost never initiate but my dh always seemed happy enough to do so and our sex life was always good. It seems that for a lot of women with busy lives especially as we get older (me included) the more sex we have the more we want it (assuming it's good) but we can go a long time without thinking about it or yearning for it. Maybe your wife is like that?

'I want her to want to have sex with me'

She has made it pretty clear she doesn't want to. You've been together 20+ years, had a great sex life but you can't/won't understand that your wife has not been interested for a few years. You say she won't tell you why, she has, she doesn't feel like it.

My husband jokingly says he had a hideous menopause! It wasn't fun for me either! 15 years ago drs wouldn't prescribe HRT due to ignorance. We love each other, we have a lot of fun, we cuddle, hold hands, laugh, travel, work, we are playful, other than penetration nothing has changed in our marriage. No my sex drive didn't come back. I did suggest giving my husband a hand job with rough sandpaper so he could experience how uncomfortable it is for me.
How would you feel if you couldn't get an erection or it was soft and she pestered you? You are getting to the age men have erectile problems. Would you hope she would be understanding and realize she had a good marriage or should she be off wanking to porn and joining tinder sex app.

Mischance, same here. Pornography is essentially watching prostitution, which seems really shabby to me, especially when there's no way of knowing if the woman has been trafficked.

Why? Because I lost attraction for the revolting man.

Shiver

10 year old that doesn't go to bed before me 😂

if for whatever reason now she's not having orgasms or has lost interest in orgasms she's not telling me.

Are you saying you don't actually know if she's having orgasms? It really should be obvious.

Sounds like one issue is that you’ve got into a habit of not having sex, so sex then feels much more of an effort.

I have also found going to work easier than raising kids. I know your youngest is 9 but you say this has been going on for a while. Little kids are hard work.

When are you initiating sex Op? What time of day? I like others, need some wind down time first after kids are in bed. My friend told me not long ago that her husband never does bedtime with her 5 year old, then tries to initiate sex as soon as she comes downstairs, and she is no way in that ‘mood’ as she has just been putting her son to bed.

Could there also be an issue with time of day? I personally prefer it in the morning as I am absolutely exhausted in the evening and just want to sleep.

You don't have anything but your own opinion. While plenty of people share that opinion, most don't. There's no real reason to assume that his wife doesn't fancy him because he's using porn.

You need to reconnect as a couple.
Go out for dinner with a bottle of wine, book a weekend away, do something fun together.

You both need time away from the house together to remember why you are a couple.

I couldn’t agree more with @WallaceinAnderland. We are biologically programmed to procreate and after we’ve finished doing that a lot of woman (not all) see sex as another chore. It served its purpose to produce offspring and we don’t need it anymore. I am not saying all women feel like that but I know of at least 3 women who would happily never have sex again now that they’ve finished making babies. One even remarked “sew me up I’m done!”

I'm neither foolish nor inept.

My husband would say the same. The reality is though, that even if he does do any of the mind numbing chores - he has to be told what to do and when to do it. He sees nothing wrong with that, he constantly says things like "just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it" - but that makes me feel like his mother, and think of him like a child. It's not really conducive to fancying someone. The mental load is the the thing. I'm not a fucking project manager.

With that, and the added loss of sex drive, due to menopause (I'm 53, and he's 5 years younger), I just simply can't be arsed. It's not that I don't find him attractive, I do. But I'm tired, and I'd rather read a book and go to sleep.

It's a never ending stumbling block in our relationship, and I'm half tempted to tell him to go elsewhere if it gets him off my back.

Yep. Just like when you're ovulating, and biologically you look for someone to father your child, so therefore horny - it's all gone now. I'd happily never do it again, and I used to be rampant!

She may not know what is wrong. Or it may just be hormones changing with age. Have you suggested she get a check up? Thyroid problems?

My sex drive dwindled with ex because I was always tired. He got resentful at the lessening of sex, previously had been three or four times a week. He moaned a lot. Blamed me.

Finally he got so annoyed, he left. Then able to have unlimited sleep, I was still very tired, so went to GP, eventually discovered I had breast cancer. That was a few years ago. All sorted now, my energy levels and sex drive are back to normal 😊

But I won't be having him back. It was clear there was only one person he cared about, and it wasn't me.

Have you actually had a conversation focussing on lack of initiating, rather than the lack of sex?

If you're not talking about this properly, then as far as she's concerned she'll be thinking that you've lost interest, because the normal situation is that you initiate, and she's happy to have sex. Maybe she thinks that you've lost interest.

Have a conversation with her. She's already told you she fancies you and still wants to have sex with you, so explain to her the reasons you've stopped initiating, ask her whether she wants to have more sex, and if she does, then ask her to take the lead occasionally.

This could be a problem of mismatched libidos, but you won't know that until you actually have open communication about the initiation issue.

Pp saying 3 kids, she's got
loads on her plate, she works PT, 2 kids are 16 & 20, hardly overwhelmed with 3 toddlers.
OP you need to have an open conversation with her and tell her how you feel.

I’m in my 30s and heavily pregnant (2nd). Life is busy with our smaller one and we both have busy jobs. Even so, until about 5/6 months into this pregnancy we were still having sex every 2/3 days or so (more or less depending on work, sleep, illness etc). At the moment we’re definitely having less sex and it’s mostly because I’ve stopped initiating, I’m feeling much more of that “big, tired, can’t be bothered” feeling. But I’m still very attracted to my DH and enjoy sex when we have it.

We’ve talked about it, and I’ve explained that at the moment I basically need more help to get in the mood. My libido isn’t right “there” the way it normally it is. One of our go tos at the moment is him giving me a massage that gradually (20 mins, not 20 seconds) turns into something else. And we cuddle and touch a lot during the day generally (we both work from home a lot).

maybe your wife just needs a bit more help to switch over into the right headspace?

another thought - which may be very personal to me or may be more universal - is that my sex drive goes up when I feel sexy. You mentioned she is down on her body sometimes - perhaps her body image is part of it? And if she’s working from home she isn’t getting those moments of frisson from feeling people react to you as an attractive woman. And obviously, you need to tell her how beautiful, sexy etc she is.

I was bored of the sex. He didn't tick my boxes sexually. I was also bored of him and the fact he became a man child to me who I had to organise and sort which doesn't sound like you are tbf.

I was also on the pill which killed my sex drive too but if I fancied sex I'd go do the job myself instead of start sex with him because it was boring af.

I wouldn't fancy you either or want sex with you if you were using porn

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast I asked my husband some years ago if he watched porn for relief when working away from home.
He roared with laughter and said no but did I remember that time on the bathroom floor, I certainly did, he said bathroom floor everytime.
I can't imagine anything more grim than watching porn. There is a lot of research out there now about it. I first heard about porn death grip on mumsnet lol I had to Google it.

How do you initiate sex? I don't mind my husband initiating sex, but now I have children, I prefer not to be ‘put on the spot’ eg get into bed after long day and have him make a move. I prefer it if he says during the day that he’s interested (for sex that night or sometime that week). I know it doesn't sound very spontaneous, but I prefer not having the ‘shall we do it right now?’ pressure. I also find that it helps me get in the mood for sex, because if we've talked about it in the day, I find it's on my mind more and I think about it more.

DH and I both worked full time and found parenting two children, plus all the household stuff a lot of effort in our 40’s. Our sex life dwindled down to maybe once every 8 weeks at one point, and I had little enthusiasm. Although I enjoyed work and being with our children the fact is that life was just too much effort. Once the children had left home things improved enormously and now we are in our 60’s and retired we have a surprisingly good sex life again. I ‘m hoping, OP, that you don’t have to wait that long but my point is really that it can be more about life in general than the individuals in the marriage .

She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40

I mean this attitude alone would be enough of a reason to not to want to fuck you

Just my thoughts. When you've done the lions share for so long you just lose energy and get quite ground down so there's no motivation or headspace to make any changes that might help.

I'm quite shocked that you'd think a gym would change anything. I'd go down the route of discussing household allocations and free time and then once there's some benefits, such time out together. If she's knackered or feeling low she won't have the motivation yet so will decline any invites for date night at the moment.