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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 20/10/2023 15:32

No, I wouldn't forgive a 6 year affair. Why did it end? 6 years is a lot of lies and deceit and no one would have an affair for that long if feelings weren't involved. Sounds like the ow has ended it and he's trying to do some damage limitation. Why would you even want him after a 6 year affair, do you not feel you deserve better? Would you ever trust him again?

Fifipop185 · 20/10/2023 15:35

No I couldn't forgive a 6 year affair and I could never trust him again. What would you do if you worked through this and he cheated again a year or so down the line?

Finestreason · 20/10/2023 15:38

No, if we had a mutual expectation of monogamy then I would not be able to claw my way back from such a prolonged deception.

Ihaveoflate · 20/10/2023 15:38

No, and I'm currently reconciling after my husband's 6 month affair last year. That's hard enough, but 6 years would be beyond the pale for me.

But I'm not you. You don't have to rush any decision - take your time to process the trauma first. Think carefully about what you would need to see from your husband in terms of attitude and behaviour.

Please get onto Surviving Infidelity (online forum) if you're not already. The wisdom on there is immense and you won't be judged for staying or leaving.

HoneyButterPopcorn · 20/10/2023 15:39

Not a chance. I assume you found out rather than he came clean and told you - so he’d still be creeping around behind your back (and risking STDs) if you’d not found him out?

she can have him full time. Has she a partner too?

Marblessolveeverything · 20/10/2023 15:41

No, if he managed to be two faced and lie to my face for six years - what else is he capable of.

PosterBoy · 20/10/2023 15:42

It sounds like what's called a 'split self' affair if it was one person for six years - almost a double life.
He probably needs that compartmentalised self to function, for some reason. So I doubt he would go back to being faithful and unfortunately I would also imagine he has had other affairs before this one. Possibly even alongside this one.
If you were truly happy as things were, I would take your time before deciding what to do. Maybe you never needed all of him from the marriage and could continue. Financially it would probably be easier.
I'd imagine though that if you really look at how your marriage has been, it was less satisfying for you than you were willing to admit. Mid fifties, you have a long life still ahead of you to live as you really want.

Cowlover89 · 20/10/2023 15:42

Hell no

TheyreEatingThemInNelsonAndTheBluff · 20/10/2023 15:42

Not a chance.
So sorry op Flowers

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 15:47

Fifipop185 · 20/10/2023 15:35

No I couldn't forgive a 6 year affair and I could never trust him again. What would you do if you worked through this and he cheated again a year or so down the line?

Would it even matter, op's heart has been broken, it only breaks once and is impossible to mend.

A different kind of relationship will now exist if you decide to stay together, one which should fully place you first and foremost, he's fucked it really hasn't he.

Entirely your choice and it depends what consequenses you wish to exact.

I personally could never forgive but that has no bearing on whether you stay together or not.

BoohooWoohoo · 20/10/2023 15:47

A one night stand- maybe but a 6 year affair no way. There's so many lies that goes with a 6 year affair that it would be impossible for me to untangle and forgive.

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 15:47

What is his justification for, one, having the affair and two, thinking that he wasn't doing anything wrong? Was he not aware that he had made a promise to be faithful to you?!

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 15:47

No, he would be out the door and I would take him for every penny I could

GreenBag53 · 20/10/2023 15:48

Happened to a friend of mine - 6 years also. He moved out with the OW and after 6 months he begged to reconcile. She did take him back (similar timing - 30 odd year married, 4 kids and grandkids) They actually seem ok now although I would say she has the upper hand in the relationship, she's definitely changed, she's stronger and takes no shit! Not sure I could forgive though.

HelebethH · 20/10/2023 15:49

Nobody knows what they would do until faced with that situation. If you decide to try and repair things I think it will be very hard and you will need to be very strong. Of course he doesn't want to lose you now you have found out he realises what he will lose. I would be so angry that not only did he lie and decieve me but potentially put my health at risk. How do you know the OW was not sleeping with other people. I would demand him to get checked at std clinic for a clean bill of health. Whatever you decide I really hope it works out for you and please don't rush. You hold the cards here and he must fit in with your wishes if he truly wants to not lose you. The big question is whether you will ever trust him again or will you spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

Pezdeoro41 · 20/10/2023 15:49

No, that deception would be too much to get over. And his claim he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong? I couldn’t even respect him as a human being, let alone trust him again. Sorry OP.

TheFlis · 20/10/2023 15:50

Absolutely not and the fact that he is claiming he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong makes it even worse.

PaintedEgg · 20/10/2023 15:52

oh fuck this liar

he got dumped and is now trying to salvage the marriage - if it was "just sex" (still disgusting) he would not have carried on for so many years and then risk your marriage by going behind your back after you've found out

i hate men like that - not only they're liars and cheats, but they have the audacity to say the dumbest things and expect their wives to believe them. It's a slap to woman's intelligence to say such a stupid thing and expect it to work

HoneyButterPopcorn · 20/10/2023 15:52

The thought of being with someone through thick and thin - being the one who would be listening to his woes, helping with work problems, nursing him when he’s sick, busing his Mother’s Day cards, he’ll even picking up his dry cleaning - all the ‘good stuff’ the OW misses out on…

Mrsttcno1 · 20/10/2023 15:56

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, but I absolutely would not even consider forgiving that. 6 years isn’t a mistake, that’s a whole other relationship he started and hid from you. If he valued you and your marriage even the tiniest bit, the affair would never have begun. X

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 16:02

When and where on earth did he see OW? Presumably he managed to see OW as part of his normal life routine so suspicions weren't raised?

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/10/2023 16:08

No, I wouldn't be able to forgive all the lying.

Plus this: "he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me"

Really? Is he that stupid that he doesn't know that what he did was wrong???

Sounds to me like he's not really sorry.

Burnoutwhat · 20/10/2023 16:11

No I wouldn't but what I'd do is irrelevant. Why would you want to forgive and move on from him doing this to you. You deserve way better.

MatildaTheCat · 20/10/2023 16:18

He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me

What he thinks and wants now aren’t important. What do you want to happen next? I don’t think I could get past this but many do seem to. I’d also be taking into account how contrite and begging for forgiveness he is vs just trying to justify it and make you unreasonable for wanting a divorce.

You don’t have to make a decision immediately. Could you ask him to leave while you process this?

Florawest · 20/10/2023 16:19

Definitely not what a pig, 6 years no guilt there. Dump his sorry ass ( well that’s what I would do). Don’t be fearful about starting over you can stay single and relationship free and still be happy and content.

Should take him to the cleaners for all he is worth, bet the ow came to her senses and realised he wasn’t such a catch, flung him back.

Best of luck with your decision and take care of yourself. 🥰