Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP good for you for telling your family, so often these things are hidden and the man carries on life with his reputation intact.

A one night stand, probably.

An emotional affair that led to nothing and no physical contact, maybe.

A 6 year affair, not a chance.

Not a chance would i forgive and forget. Whether it’s a kiss, a one night stand a long term affair , we would be over.

No. LTB. Run 🏃‍♀️ fast

Why has it ended? Has she dropped him? Did you somehow catch him out? Did he confess?

I couldn't forgive this.

No.

Sorry, just re read and saw you caught him out.

Looking at this dispassionately, have you considered that he only wants to continue the relationship with you because he doesn't want to lose assets in a divorce, and/or has been dumped by his girlfriend. He's not continuing the marriage because he loves you. You don't act like this towards someone you love. He just doesn't want his world turned upside down and deep down doesn't really care what you want or need.

I call her a girlfriend as a 6 year relationship is not an affair, its being in two relationships at the same time.

Also, as he was having sex with you both he has also been putting your health at risk. Nothing about his behaviour shows he actually cares about you or values you.

Don't put up with it anymore OP. You are worth so much more than this.

I'm quite liberal on the affair front usually but this isn't an affair it's a full on relationship. No doubt he has fed this woman an equal amount of lies just to keep it going and has most definitely told her he loves her. I'd say finish with him while you still have some dignity left.

No way! My XH lied about how long his affair had been, and was out of the house the same day

Did the OW know that he was married and do you have children?
is she married and have children?

he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me

Goodness, he really has no idea, does he?

I think you would be much better off without him.

Six years… six years of intimacy, laughs, good times, all behind your back.
The initial denial and lying.
The preposterous claim that it didn’t matter / didn’t affect you etc.

OP, 53 is in no way late to have a wonderful life without him. Of course now you will be reeling, your world has been torn apart.

But with that loss of trust, that level of dishonesty, selfishness and betrayal for so long, six years when you thought your marriage was safe..I don’t think I would be able to put things together again in a way that was worth living. Why ‘should’ you try again? Because he says he loves you? He didn’t feel he ‘should’ prioritise your marriage because you loved HIM for those six long years.

Find your anger.

Not a chance. You were having sex with him on the understanding that you were his only partner but all that time he was deceiving you - six years of being lied to, cheated on, disrespected and taken for a fool.

Of course he's saying he loves you now because he's pooping himself at the thought of being alone. He'll beg and promise anything now but he put his own pleasure with another woman above you and your marriage for six years.

I could never come back from that because he wouldn't be the person I thought he was. I'd be heartbroken and looking to rebuild my life without him. He definitely doesn't deserve you.

No.

‘Only sex to him’… for six years???

FFS, either he is lying, or what is his view of women?

Kick him out OP. Staying with this nasty piece of work will erode your self esteem.

Some men are like this Op, they think that it's not having an impact on your marriage and what you don't know doesn't hurt you, they still love you but one woman isn't enough for them, they need a secret life. Six years is a hell of a long time, if he's capable of that level of lying and secrecy for so long how could you ever trust him again. He thinks it wasn't hurting you but it's bloody hurting you now

Just to add that I think those who suggest Surviving Infidelity are making a good suggestion! Possibly better and more nuanced than MN...

I agree about Surviving infidelity, it is more balanced, much more knowledgeable and a safe place to unpick your feelings around this. My gut feeling remains but there you’d be supported whatever your choice.

He must have lied to your face hundreds of times to conduct this 6 year affair. No one has a 6 year relationship without feelings being involved. If he truly loved you he couldn't have betrayed you like he did. It sounds like his OW has now dumped him and he's suddenly realised he won't be getting any sex at all if he loses you. You deserve so much more than this cheating rat. Value yourself. I found out my h of 21 years was cheating on me and I bagged up his belongings into black sacks and put them into the garden. I got the locks changed and asked my BiL to come over. I text h to come home immediately. He came back and I told him to leave. He started to try to beg and argue he should be given another chance but my BiL told him to go as I'd made my mind up and he was not to come back pestering me. I rang my GP and asked for a STI referral and a solicitor and made an appointment and started divorce proceedings immediately. I got the divorce first and then sorted finances out later. I couldn't bear to be married to him any more.

I would never forgive and I would have already told him to pack his bags

No. Once perhaps at a stretch. Not a full blown affair.

No way could I forgive this but I know plenty of women who, while they don't forgive exactly, just live with their husbands' long term infidelity. I suppose they like their lifestyle or don't want the disruption or stigma of a divorce.

Not how I would choose to live but you do you.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

You said he had an affair for 6 years. May I ask how you found out and how he managed to hide it for 6 years?

It’s a hard call what to do. No matter what everyone here says it is not easy to end a 35 year relationship.
I guess my way of thinking is a bit different. Treat people the way they treat you. I would keep him as a back up and at the same time flirt like hell. I would dump him as soon as I found someone to fall in love. Use him in the time being.
But OP, honestly, aren’t you sick of the same man for 35 years? Opportunity to fall in love with someone new? And just to let you know. He will cheat again. 6 years affair is a really long one.

No. I’d leave.