Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

@Mintyquick I’m so sorry, this must be so very hard on many levels.
My gut reaction is to not tell your children, because they have lost their father and are grieving him and will be torn between missing him, loathing him and feeling devastated for you as well as themselves.
It will put doubt in their minds as to what their lived reality was as a family and a son/ daughter and how much he cared about them and they can never look him in the eye and question him to get answers on any of it, an issue which I am sure you must be suffering greatly from too.
I found out my husband was having an affair and because we decided to stay together, I decided not to tell our then teenage children what he had done as in terms of their lives it was going to make no difference. If we had split up or there was any further infidelity I would have told them why and sung ot from the rooftop, I only hid what happened for their sake and told very, very few people. Most of my family still don’t know and it was six years ago, almost to the day, come to think of it.
Your children’s family memories and memories of him will be tainted and whilst he pretty much deserves that, they don’t and it will make no material difference to their lives but it could affect their mental health and wellbeing for something they can’t influence, change or ask questions about.
However you certainly don’t need the added pressure on you of having to try to cover up your devastation, either. You will make yourself ill trying. I would dress up how you are feeling and coping, or not coping (don’t be hard on yourself, his illness and death were bad enough but this is another level) in terms of perhaps a delayed reaction to your husband’s death. It gives you space to show your feelings and be open about them, without having to try to live a ‘pretend normal’ all the time, which I don’t recommend, it was very hard and delayed my recovery by months. Think of a plausible reason for the state you find yourself in to give yourself the freedom to work through it unquestioned.
I absolutely would find a counsellor, you need somebody to be able to talk to about this and how to work through his betrayal as well as your grief, it’s too complicated to try to cope with alone.
On the Affair Recovery website and Surviving Infidelity website there is a lot of information about getting through a betrayal and on the forums you will find people like yourself, who only found out years later and/ or even after a spouse’s death.
Whatever you decide to do will be right for your children and your life, only you can know that, as long as you are aware of the possible repercussions of telling your children, then if you decide to go with telling them the truth, you will be able to support them better.
I wish you strength, I’m so sorry you are in such a horrible position.

@Thewookiemustgo I am leaning to towards not telling them. I’m just so angry that he could do this to them, especially the youngest who was only - month old! Who does that? I just feel so destroyed that it seems like the last 12 yrs of my life were a lie- devastated doesn’t even begin to describe the heartache I am feeling and I am keeping it all in. I will have a look at the websites you mention. Thank you for your reply x

@Mintyquick I can’t pretend to imagine the impact you must be feeling, being unable to even talk to him about it must be unbearable. Allow yourself to feel the rage and heartache, trying to bottle it up will do more harm than good.
Please look into counselling of some kind, this goes beyond betrayal and bereavement, it truly does. Again, I’m so very sorry.

@Mintyquick I was going to give you links to stuff but a quick google of a search like “learning secrets after a death” or “discovering a betrayal after bereavement “ led me to a load of stuff, give it a try and hopefully you’ll find a podcast, website or article that resonates with you.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you I’ll will have a look x