Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

Nope

No ways, the respect and trust would be entirely gone, I value myself too much
I am single again after 31 years, I have a completely different life to what I had
My adult children were devastated and shocked but over it now
It took us all some time to recover but we have
They think he is a prat for throwing it all away for some excitement on the side

He has remarried very quickly, though not to the affair partner
That ended soon after he moved out
He has taken on three more adult children, a whopping mortgage, lost his friends and apparently is super happy!
Me, I’ve blossomed and have become who I feel is a much happier and laid back woman with no stress and certainly a carefree life

Tell him to fuck off

@Feelinfedup

Feeling sad is natural. You had a life plan and he's smashed it to smithereens. The sadness will pass, it just takes time. And having him there can't be of much help.

Honestly, as much as you can I'd avoid talking to him or being around him. No more talk about 'do this' or 'why that'. The affair happened and that's all there is to it. Don't let him bring you down with his bullshit pleas to 'stay married'. He hasn't acted 'married' since he took up with her so it's too late to 'be married' now. If he brings it up, I'd tell him "Too little, too late and I don't want to talk about it anymore".

Thank you SmokedGlass and AcrossthePond55 . I'm just struggling these pass few days . I certainly don't want him back but I feel very scared of all the legal stuff and eventually moving. I know when I move it will be the best thing for me but God it feels so daunting... He keeps trying to hug me and saying all nice things to me but I just wished he'd stop as it's effecting my mental health ,and he is really good at minimising the affair sayings I'm making it all a big thing when it was all nothing.. Well to me it was a massive thing and it killed our marriage...Jesus why do these men have to have affairs and not be glad to have a nice family unit .I just can't wrap my head around why you'd even consider doing that to your family .I'll never understand why ?

Riiight…it’s your fault for making this all into a ‘big deal’….obviously. Why can’t you accept hugs and compliments after a 6 year secret relationship, and brush it all under the rug?

Seriously. I cannot physically roll my eyes far enough at his comments.

@Feelinfedup

He is only being nice as he realises what he is about to lose
He sadly did not give a shiny shit whilst he was in the throes of his affair
It’s not about losing you or the children as such, it’s all about to change for him
He thought he could have the best of both worlds and now it’s all crashing down on him

Try to be strong here, you know what your boundaries are and he has crossed them. Just tell him that it’s over for you, the trust will never be there again

As for the legal side of things, find yourself a Solicitor that you feel comfortable with, digest as much information as you can going forward and your strength and self respect will keep you focused
It was scary for me too, but I took each day as it came, maintained my dignity even though I felt dreadful, sad and very angry
Your children and family will be support for you, plus you want these kids to see that no woman accepts this kind of shit in any marriage
You are worth much much more

sayings I'm making it all a big thing when it was all nothing

Yeah I'm sure it would have been "nothing" if you'd fucked and schmoozed another man behind his back for years.

Jesus why do these men have to have affairs and not be glad to have a nice family unit

They want to have their cake and eat it?

I've also noticed that there is a breed of man who always always defaults to having at least two women on the go. It seems to be their natural state. They're the ones about whom the phrase "when a man marries his mistress, a vacancy occurs" was developed. They're always cheating and they'll always have an ow if they can get one. It takes a while for the next women to realise they're cheating/catch them etc and often longer for her to leave - often due to young kids and finances - so their relationships appear to last for a while. But behind the scenes they're always cheating.

The fact that your ex considers (and probably truly considers) a years long in affair with another woman as minor .... I think shows
that he's one of those men.

He continuously deceived you. Long term.

Potentially exposed you to STDs.

What a foul creature.

You can't forgive this.

@Feelinfedup I'm afraid they simply don't think- they see it as a massive ego boost that is separate to your marriage and what you don't know won't hurt- problem is it simply snuffs out the 'special' - if you do find out and you simply don't feel the same if you stay together- I know some say they rebuild and all that- I'm not sure if mentally they feel 100% about someone though- I think many just can't be arsed with the fall out or a massive lifestyle drop on some cases. The problem is men often then go very 'full on ' if they know it's 'the end' - totally on your face as they realise far too late they have totally fucked up

I feel very scared of all the legal stuff and eventually moving. I know when I move it will be the best thing for me but God it feels so daunting...

This too is normal. It IS daunting. But anything worth having is worth the struggle it takes to get it. And what you will get is peace and calm. You have to try and look beyond the 'legal stuff' and keep your eyes on the prize; a peaceful and calm home in which you can relax and just 'be'.

He keeps trying to hug me and saying all nice things to me but I just wished he'd stop as it's effecting my mental health

This is where my advice to 'avoid him' comes in to play. You certainly should tell him to stop and then move away if he tries to hug you, or touch you in any way. But if you can find a place to be in the house away from him that's even better. If he's in the living room, go to the bedroom. If he's in the kitchen, go to the living room. And spend as much time away from the house as you can. Have you told anyone IRL? If not, now's the time. Find someone who will keep your confidence and tell them. Then let them help you spend time away from him.

and he is really good at minimising the affair sayings I'm making it all a big thing when it was all nothing..

It's not that he really thinks it was nothing, just that you should think it was nothing. Because if you accept it's 'nothing' then you'll just accept it, shut up, and keep providing his 'home comforts'. And he doesn't want to lose those.

I just can't wrap my head around why you'd even consider doing that to your family .I'll never understand why ?

No, you won't. Because you never would do that. So the best thing to do, and I know it's hard, is just to quit trying to understand it. It just is. Put all that mental effort into getting the divorce.

Take one day at a time so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

You are doing the right thing.

@Feelinfedup it's been a while, I am just wondering how things worked out for you? Going through something similar and feeling very lost

Of course not, that's disgusting.

Hi , I'm so sorry Confusedonthedaily that you are going through similar. I've filed for divorce as I just couldn't trust him anymore. I never thought I'd get the strength to end it all but in the end I had to put my mental health first ..It's not how I thought my life would be at 53 but I'm actually quite positive for my future. I still get bad days but I know without doubt I've done the right thing by divorcing. It was by far the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me but life goes on and I've come to the realisation that if he truly loved me he would never have cheated and I'm not willing to be second best for anyone. Private message me if you need to talk more xx

That’s a great update OP, you have been true to yourself and you will find peace. You cannot live with them when the trust has gone. He didn’t deserve you.
You are still very young at 53, and although things are very different to how you imagined they would be, there is a whole new exciting chapter out there for you.
I wish you all the very best life has to offer.

Well done OP, you've shown him you're stronger than what he thought.
I wish you all the best for the future x

Ahh thank you for your replies ..I do know though it's not an easy decision as I really believe I had to grieve the end of my marriage before I could decide to end it and believe me that takes time. It was like my head and my heart were against each other. My heart was telling me to stay and my head was telling me to go and until my heart caught up with my head I just couldn't pull the plug on my marriage. I was also grieving the loss of a parent in the middle of it all . Strange thing is I have no hatred for him and sometimes I even feel a bit sorry for him as I truly loved that man even after 30 yrs of marriage and he blew it !!

@Feelinfedup Hi - I’ve come across ur posts on here. I hope you don’t mind me messaging. My husband of 20 yrs died in Sept from a brain tumour.(7month since diagnosis) Just found out he’s been having an affair since 2011 - 1 month after my second child was born. I don’t know how to cope with this …any advise on telling people/ the children etc? Or not x

@Mintyquick I’m so sorry this happened to you—so many unanswered questions for you! How did you find out? x

NO.

@
@Chatonettei found txt msgs when he was ill. He denied everything and said she was an ex work colleague. He was dying and we were running out of time. He eventually persuaded me nothing had happened. Four days after his funeral I found pics that she had sent him. I contacted her and she lied and told me it was just pics nothing more. I still doubted things but was trying to move in. 2 weeks ago I found videos of them together (sexually) with what looks like a hidden camera/ she is distraught as she says she knew nothing about it. He told her we were only together for the kids - kind of a mutual understanding 😢

Oh God! So did she finally admit to it, once you said you had video? It stinks that your husband denied until the end.

You don’t have to decide what to do today. How old are your kids? Do you have access to therapy or to someone trusted to really hash this out with?

@Chatonette yes she did. We’ve met twice now to discuss. It’s the weirdest thing. She wasn’t aware of all the filming so is understandably upset and confused. Seems he’s lied to us both but at least she knew about me. I had no clue whatsoever. I feel broken and only a few close friends know. I can’t tell my family and they can’t understand why I’m in such a mess as I had been doing a bit better until I found this.

I am having bereavement counselling but it goes beyond that

Kids are 18 & 14..

I can’t believe he lied to my face when he was dying…

@Mintyquick I know…that’s so shitty. As for the OW, I have zero sympathy. She carried on with a married man for over a decade and chose to believe him when he told her the oldest line in the book. She also lied to you when you found photos, and only admitted it once you had actual video, she’s now on the Find Out stage of FAFO. You can tell whomever you want—it is not your job to cover your husband’s lies, particularly as he lied up until the end. And if you need support, you are allowed to be honest with friends and family.

Free yourself from the obligation to protect his reputation. He lied to you in his deathbed. Maybe it’s FAFO for him too. You don’t have to cover up for him at the expense of your own mental health.

I would, however, shield the DC for the time being.