Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

I wouldn't forgive a dodgy text. 100% respect or 🚪

@Feelinfedup that's gaslighting and it's a form of emotional abuse. It might be worth getting some support from womens aid as well. If he's jumped straight to gaslighting and emotionally abusing you then I doubt it's the first time he's been manipulative in this way towards you. Definitely do not try to move on with his man, this is a good clear opportunity to leave. You deserve so much better and you just need to give yourself the chance to find it.

…he said to me yesterday that I should be happy with my life, and to stop making a big thing out of it, that I don’t know what real trouble is.

Well, I’m slack-jawed at his contemptuous attitude and dismissal of your shattered heart, but I really shouldn’t be surprised. It takes someone with zero empathy and ice water in his veins to pull off a 6 year, calculated double life.

I daresay he would be “making a big thing” if you had cuckolded him for many years … or if your children’s future partners cheat on them.

There’s no coming back from this, FFU. I would send him away to give you space to think and make decisions. You don’t need to endure his toxic presence right now. When you get your bearings, consult with a solicitor to learn your legal and financial options.

I’m glad that you’ve told your family. I would also tell trusted friends and his family. You need to be surrounded by much love and support. Consider accessing IC to help you gain strength as you go through the grieving process.

Get angry and stand strong in the face of his outrageous manipulation.

Six years is 6 years of lying and subterfuge. You will never forgive and you will never forget. I would not stay.
How many friends and family knew about this over the years? I wouldn't be thinking so highly of them either.

You can bet the affair is ongoing with those kind of statements. You need to separate at least at first. Do your children?

He is still in the throes of this affair.

The only saving with him would be of the put up and shut up variety.

I’m really sorry, OP.

I know he has no remorse as he said to me yesterday that i should be happy with my life , and to stop making a big thing out of it , that i don't know what real trouble is

He is an unsafe partner. I’m afraid the contemptuous attitude is typical of a man who will cheat again given the first opportunity. I also agree with a pp I doubt very much that this six year affair is his first rodeo.

You need some professional support to deal with this absolutely traumatic and life changing experience. You’re on shifting sands and need serious counselling to help you shore yourself up.

You can not stay with this man. Please find the courage to tell him you need some space and time to process and then get yourself STI tested and start to check your position legally. Knowledge is power.

He has treated your precious family and you appallingly and now is the time to start to prevent him causing you any more harm. There is no guardian angel for you honey, you have to be your own best friend here. Protect your interests.

It sounds heartbreaking, I am sorry!

If you read up about split self affairs it may be helpful. Depressingly they are unlikely to end in divorce but also unlikely to stop. He probably completely compartmentalized his life and chose to share only part of himself with you.

.. and what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.
.. that I should be happy with my life.

I agree with @Susieb2023 and other posters that his disdainful responses to your torment are indicative of a cavalier, self-serving man who feels entitled to cheat…and will cheat again. I actually doubt that he’s truly given up this OW. They may be lying low for now.

FFU, it’s abhorrent that he made you feel guilty for being heartbroken. He’s clearly a misogynist who expects you to suck up his infidelity and mistreatment like a good Stepford Wife who won’t rock the boat. What a cruel, unremorseful pig he is.

I think you are lucky you found out. 53 is young, you can be happy again. The affair is one thing, but his dismissal of your feelings is another. Be free. Just think in 6 months this will be your past and this hurt will lessen

My exH was similarly dismissive of my upset and devastation at finding out about his affair. I remember sobbing heartbroken in front of him and him just sitting there, with a look of disdain on his face.
That was before I knew the details & extent of his cheating but I realised then that I would never be able to rely on him for comfort or support in any future hard times. He just didn't care.

This man does not love you. This is not what love looks like.

As hard as it is, his attitude and behaviour to you discovering this affair is telling you that your marriage is over and you need to walk away from it.

Get a good network of support around you - good friends and family, because you will need them. Maybe counselling if you can.

Also prepare yourself for him potentially going back to the OW (if it has even ended) or finding someone else very quickly.

You will survive this and so will your DC.

Remember that you deserve so much more and you are worth more than this. xxx

I think you should leave him, he doesn't sound trustworthy or willing to put in the work to repair the relationship.

I couldn't get any further than this bit of your post.

'he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me'.

I'm stunned.

Be brave and strong, OP. There's no going back after this.

Oh my god his reaction is inhumane. You poor thing, can you go stay with family for a few days? How old are your DC? I'm very angry on your behalf at his actions following you finding out. The affair is one thing but then dictating how you should feel about it!?

Got to admire your friend
not sure about the 6 year bit, but I have seen this with many people
An affair makes you look at every aspect of your relationship and clear it up - some don't but most do and are better for it.
I'm sure there's easier ways for a relationship do over but the relationship are stronger after

Chuck him out. He chose being selfish over being loyal. Don't let him guilt trip you into thinking it was a victimless act.

Its not 'would' you. Its 'could' you. The reality or forgiveness is so different to the idea. I couldnt be with someone who i would now wonder why they were taking a shit with their phone. They may just be watching videos, they may be talking to a woman. I couldnt do it. I also dont know that i couldnt bring it up for the rest of my life. If they argued with me over something i think i would feel like 'how dare you argue with me when i forgave your affair'.

Yep…plus next time an attractive man looked at me I wouldn’t have the moral grounds to avoid cheating. So, no way I m afraid.

Well I’m 57 and been with my husband for 38 yrs and he would be straight out of the door . The fact that your husband has no remorse just says to me that he will do it again , or more likely just carry on with the affair after a brief interlude . The fact that he feels you should be grateful for what you’ve got / had is absolutely despicable.

So now he just wants to sweep it under the carpet and carry on?
No way.
It sounds like this has been going on for so long that he has become so used to it that he almost takes it for granted that you will accept this and carry on.
All trust in him has gone.
What is a relationship without it.
How do you know that they won't just resume their affair if you let them carry on and why not just leave and go and live with her if that's what he wanted to do? Why all the sneaking around? Was he getting a thrill out of manipulating you, is he a bit of a sociopath?

Tks ladies I really appreciate all your replies. I'm just in disbelief about it all . I really thought he loved me..I can't imagine my life without him, yet i can't imagine staying with him now because of the hugh betrayal. I wish i never met him . He has taken away my best years ..

@Feelinfedup 6 years is a really long time for an affair. It’s double life. May I ask how you found out and how come you didn’t suspect all these years? Just wonder how much of a professional liar he is to be able to hide an affair for such a long time. Do you know who the woman is?
May I also ask If your children are aware of what has happened and how old they are?

He hasn’t taken away your best years. I m sure there were good times as well. You have your children and people who love you. I think take things slowly and one thing at a time. I would first ask him to move out for 6 months to help you clear your head. Then get some therapy.

And you may not be ready now, but just imagine a new person walking into your life and have these feelings of falling in love again. It would be awsome.

Yes Rania78 it would be awesome to fall in love again but in an ideal world i wanted to grow old with him as he is my husband and the father of my children but that's all destroyed now ..I just know I'll never trust him again ,so i can't see a way back ..We have four children ages from 28 down to 17 . My 28 yr old daughter is really disappointed in him as are the rest of the children. I have told him to move out as no point in playing pretend anymore . I think eventually I'll probably move away as she lives local. Yes i did know her but only to see .She knew full well he was married, but at the end of the day she owed me nothing .He is the one that made a vow to stay faithful... He hid the affair really well , looking back now i suppose there was some signs as he worked alot and didn't want to spend much time with me .I just never thought he was capable of such a thing ..

So sorry to hear this @Feelinfedup . Wish I could give you a hug.

Fully understand wanting to grow old with him but you have also so much to look forward to. Good thing that your children are grown ups. They will feel the impact but hopefully won’t be a deep trauma for them. And they will definitely be by your side. Imagine them getting married, having their own children, you have so much to look forward to.

Focus on being the best version of yourself physically and mentally. You are too young to give up on love. He is such a stupid man.

With regards to her, she does have responsibility. You just don’t get involved with a married man, let alone when he has 4 children. And 6 years ago your youngest was 11 and oldest 22…

You shouldn’t move house if you don’t want to. Let her do that. She is the one who should be ashamed. You are a lady. What a stupid man…

Really really feeling for you. I can feel your hurt. Have been there and it is the worst feeling in the world..