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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:

OliveToboogie · 20/10/2023 19:20

Hell No

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 20/10/2023 19:37

Would I try again with a man who did this for SIX year? No way, it would not be a consideration for me. You will never have the same relationship again with him.

Goodornot · 20/10/2023 19:40

There isn't a couple in existence who have never upset each other or said or done something in the heat of the moment that you didn't mean.

My issue is that cheating isn't heat of the moment, it is always done in cold blood as it requires planning and deception. The fact he did it for 6 years is shocking. Couldn't forgive.

Blogswife · 20/10/2023 19:41

No. This wasn’t a mistake , this was a deliberate act with no concern for you or your family
I wouldn’t be able to reconcile with someone who has disrespected, lied and humiliated me for 6 years . The betrayal would be too much to ever forgive and I would feel such anger and resentment that I’d make his life a misery .
I’m so sorry he’s done this to you .

2welshmums · 20/10/2023 19:42

Absolutely not. How can you ever trust him again after betraying you for so long. Kick him out

Sxs · 20/10/2023 20:01

I couldnt just because of the amount of time and premeditation it would have taken to facilitate. It wasnt a one off, this was a double life.

Im really sorry, this must be an absolute nightmare for you. Its so traumatising.

MsDogLady · 20/10/2023 20:13

I highly doubt that his mistress would describe their long-term relationship as being “only sex.” He is clearly scrambling to rewrite their narrative as a tactic to manipulate you. Don’t allow him to gaslight and stonewall you.

Personally, I’d leave no stone unturned to learn the truth from H, OW, friends/relatives/colleagues who may be privy, and from any records I could investigate. He was clearly heavily invested in this secondary relationship, and I would be getting to the bottom of it:
*a timeline
*where and how often they met for sex and other activities
*contraception used
*money spent
*what they discussed re feelings and the future
*what he told OW about you, the marriage, and the children
*who else knew
*how he gave himself permission to abuse you and rob your consent/choices for 6 years

@Feelinfedup, if you are considering a reconciliation, you must have all the facts so that you know exactly what you’re forgiving. Although I wouldn’t forgive, I’d still want to gain as much knowledge as possible about what was really happening in my life and marriage for the past 6 years.

Original poster

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 20:15

I feel so stupid for trusting him for all fhe years .I thought we were so happy. I adored him .I would have walked through fire for him . I always kept myself well , people have said I'm attractive, yet she was so trashy looking ( I'm not trying to be mean ) I know i can't forgive ,even if i really wanted to , i don't think it's possible. He knew my view on infidelity, so why did he take such a hugh risk ? Why couldn't he have just said " i dont want you anymore " I feel so sad for our children. They deserved a happy home .

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 20/10/2023 20:25

Why should you try and save the marriage OP? He is the one who broke the vows.

You shouldn't have to do anything.

This is for him to save if you want him to.

Sounds like he just wants to save the finances and domestic duties you provide.

6 years of betrayal is not a one night drunken fuck up, it's 6 Christmas,6 anniversary, 6 summer holidays.

Tell him to fuck off whilst you think.

DonnaDonna0 · 20/10/2023 20:26

This tells you all you need to know about what to do now -

“ it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me “

frozendaisy · 20/10/2023 20:26

The short answer to your question would you forgive.

No not this not a chance.

Myhusbandearns150k · 20/10/2023 20:26

What an absolute pig. Don’t believe a word he says.

Spacecowboys · 20/10/2023 20:42

Also, you have been together 35 years and he has just had a six year affair. This will not be his only infidelity. I’d bet my house on that.

Ellie56 · 20/10/2023 21:42

In answer to your question, no I would not forgive. What he has done is unforgivable.

And not only is he a lying scumbag cheat but he is deluded.

"he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me"

No he wasn't. Good husbands don't lie and cheat and screw around.

"It was only sex." For SIX years? Yeah right.

"He is begging me to save the marriage"

There is no marriage to save. He threw it away when he first betrayed you.

Don't listen to his shit @Feelinfedup . You deserve better. A lot better.

Sartre · 20/10/2023 21:53

A 6 year affair is not just sex. You could perhaps say a 6 week fling was just sex but 6 years is basically a long term relationship. I feel bad for you but your marriage is dead.

CheekyHobson · 20/10/2023 22:15

"he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me"

He doesn't believe this for one second and neither should you. He knew perfectly well he was doing wrong, as he kept his activities hidden from you.

Being a 'good husband' is a baseline in any marriage, not a favour he was doing you that justified him also having an affair.

readbooksdrinktea · 20/10/2023 22:18

Some people's ability to compartmentalise is astonishing.

Lavender14 · 20/10/2023 22:25

Ultimately its your choice and you know what you can accept and live with, but I suspect you're a little in shock and understandably having a little denial that this is what's happening. I think you'd try but you'd limp on for a while, trust would be gone and I think it would massively affect your self esteem.

For me, the crux of it is that he's been caught out. He didn't choose to end things and admit it. He hasn't even taken full accountability for the hurt he's caused you and how awful his actions were by saying weak things like it's not wrong because he's still been a good husband, that it was only sex etc etc. He's dismissing your very valid pain, hurt and feelings of betrayal in the hope you'll bend over and accept what he's telling you so he doesn't need to take responsibility. It all sounds like he's not sorry he did it, he's sorry you caught him out.

Have you told anyone in real life op? You dont have to until you're ready but it will help you identify your support network and then you can begin getting your ducks in order.

You need to speak to a solicitor to get advice quickly even if you decide later on which advice to use. Make sure you have your own money in your own bank account. I'd also think about asking him to stay elsewhere for a while until you've time to think about your options and I personally would then change the locks.

I tried to move past it with my cheating ex and honestly the trust never came back, I lost a lot of friends over it who didn't want to watch me get hurt again, it utterly destroyed my self esteem as I never felt good enough and I doubted everything and in the end up he cheated again anyways. So now I'd just end it straight away and save myself that part at least.

You will be OK.

MsDogLady · 20/10/2023 22:30

Oh, FFU, please don’t feel foolish. This practiced deceiver was very adept at hiding his adulterous activities from you. He is still manipulating and treating you with contempt with his ‘It was only sex’ mumbo jumbo. He’s yet to come clean with the real story.

You gave this man sacred gifts - your love, trust, and a beautiful family - but he chose to trash it all. He cheated on all of you, and is a terrible role model for the children.

Please know that his atrocious betrayal is all on him and is due to his deep selfishness and sense of entitlement to lead an illicit dual life. None of his unethical choices are a result of anything you did or didn’t do.

Again, don’t invest in any negative self-talk about yourself. You had every reason to trust your Husband, and to expect his love, loyalty and respect. You had no reason to suspect that behind his smile was massive deception.

NotNowGertrude · 20/10/2023 22:49

Sorry but that's waaay to much to be able to forgive surely

Who does he think he is?

Original poster

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 22:51

I know he has no remorse as he said to me yesterday that i should be happy with my life , and to stop making a big thing out of it , that i don't know what real trouble is
He had me nearly feeling guilty for feeling heartbroken. I can actually feel my heart ache . I think I'm grieving the man i thought i married .

OP posts:

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 22:57

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 22:51

What an absolute bastard.

There is no hope with such a nasty piece of work, you really deserve better FFU.

freetheunicorn1 · 20/10/2023 22:58

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 22:51

The lack of remorse tells you he would cheat again!

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds awful and you deserve better.

CheekyHobson · 20/10/2023 22:59

I think I'm grieving the man i thought i married.

This is exactly what's happening. You're undergoing the substantial shock of discovering that your relationship is founded on lies and an absence of genuine care for you, which is incredibly disorientating, hurtful and can make you doubt your own worth. You're grieving the loss of the person you believed your husband to be, and trying to process how you could have missed seeing who he really is and what was really going on.

His dismissal of your hurt and his minimisation of his actions shows you the person he really is. Once you've seen this, you will never be able to go back to the false image you previously had of him. I'm really sorry. It's a lot to go through.

unsync · 20/10/2023 23:26

If you hadn't found out, he'd still be doing it wouldn't he?

Please don't stay with this awful man. You deserve better. You can survive this and live happily. Life is short, don't waste any more of it on him.

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