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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 20/10/2023 17:25

Absolutely not.

Jonisaysitbest · 20/10/2023 17:26

@Thundercnut I don't think it's helpful to scare the OP with your view on what her life would be like if she left the marriage. Staying out of fear is not a good choice.

The reality is, OP, you would be entitled to a good divorce settlement after such a long marriage.

53 isn't the end of your life, there could be decades left yet. Do you really want to spend them with someone who treated you with such disrespect and disregard?

I have been there and I can tell you that it is possible to move on and to survive. I might not be as well off as I might have been staying in my marriage but at least I have my self respect back and I don't have to spend my life with someone who I have lost respect for and no longer trust.

Biasquia · 20/10/2023 17:31

No I couldn’t, but I know having come out of an extremely deep betrayal by family members that it would be an incredibly difficult experience emotionally leaving and it would take time to get myself where I wanted to be after the split. Be gentle and kind with yourself.

I firmly believe that betrayal by a spouse is one of the most difficult things for humans to get through.

perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 17:38

No I couldn't. And why should anyone forgive such a huge betrayal?

6 years!! That's not an affair, it's another relationship. He's chosen to lie to you every day for 6 years. When you confronted him he denied it. So that's more bare-faced lying, with gas lighting thrown in.

And he tries to suggest he didn't think he was doing anything wrong? If that's true he has no moral compass, and what else is he doing wrong which he thinks should be OK? Didn't he realise that when you marry someone you stay faithful? Didn't he know that you don't lie to your wife? Didn't he think you deserved the truth when you asked him outright?

His total lack of respect for you would be enough to leave him.
His lying for 6 years - ditto
His gas lighting
His trying to deflect and suggest he's been a good husband so you should overlook it

Would you cheat on someone you loved and respected? For years on end? I suspect not.

You will be much better off away from him.

crumpet · 20/10/2023 17:42

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 16:32

I feel like our whole married life has been a lie .I can't even look at family photos from the past 6 yrs as i feel he was with her then so was all a big pretend to him . I'm not interested in ever starting another relationship as i would find it so hard to trust anyone again.. I have just told my family and they are all so shocked as he is not the type you'd think would do this ..

You fee as if it had been a lie because it has been a lie. He is not the person you thought you were marrying.

if he had said beforehand “please marry me and allow me to have (at least one that you know of and who knows how many before that) affairs, would you have walked down the aisle?

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 20/10/2023 17:46

"He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me"

If this was true the he wouldn't have spent SIX YEARS fucking someone else and lying to your face about it ever single day. He is not who you thought he was. If you try to stay with him after such a horrific betrayal, you will end up hating yourself. There is no coming back from this.

Lilibert456 · 20/10/2023 17:48

He loves you now he's been found out. In a nutshell no I would not forgive him ever.

Susieb2023 · 20/10/2023 17:49

This is so hard to read. Your pain is palpable.

I’m reconciled following an affair but my husband was behaving so weirdly and totally out of character that I worked it out within a couple of months. Tbh this is part of the reason I reconciled because he couldn’t totally deceive me, I knew. Don’t get me wrong he behaved appallingly in lots of different ways gaslighting, further contact etc etc but he couldn’t compartmentalise.

Your husband is a whole different fish.

I don’t put much stock in forgiveness I haven’t forgiven my husband, I accepted that this has happened and I accepted that we both wanted to move forward. I accepted the risk on the understanding that I believe I’d know if he strayed again.

I could not accept a six year affair where i had no idea because his ability to compartmentalise was so honed. I could not accept knowing that he has the ability to mask his true self so completely.

I’m so sorry because I truly believe in reconciliation but I wouldn’t advise it in this case and I totally agree with @MsDogLady he is still in wayward mode with that utterly ridiculous comment around being a good husband. He stole your right to informed sexual consent and your personal agency for six years, he is not in the slightest a good husband.

bjrce · 20/10/2023 17:54

He was having an affair for the last 6 years and now wants everything back to normal.

The reason he doesn't want you to throw him out is because that last 6 years became his "Normal" having both his cake and eating it, now threatened with the prospect of having his life completely fucked up! he's decided he now loves you and wants to get back to his new normal.

He actually sounds like a Psycho! You'd be crazy to stay with him.

Aprilx · 20/10/2023 17:54

No definitely not. If I just discovered my husband had been having an affair for 6 years, it would make a mockery of the marriage. It would feel like it was all a sham, a big lie. I don’t think I would ever be able to get over it.

Spacecowboys · 20/10/2023 18:00

Not a 6 year affair no, a one night stand or brief fling that quickly fizzled out, maybe. 6 years is a very long time to lie to someone for. What do you want to do?

Cas112 · 20/10/2023 18:02

Never

Seaoftroubles · 20/10/2023 18:15

Never. How could you ever trust him again? He is a disgusting POS and only sorry because you found out!

strawberry2017 · 20/10/2023 18:16

Hell no.
You kick him out and you tell him to fuck off

Gowlett · 20/10/2023 18:19

No. However, I believe every marriage is different.

Thundercnut · 20/10/2023 18:24

@Jonisaysitbest I'm not trying to frighten the OP. I did also say that it could be the best thing that ever happened to her, and it could be her chance to do something new and wonderful. However, there's no getting away from the problems involved in divorcing after a very long relationship with children. A decent divorce settlement helps to ease the financial pressure, but it's still very hard if all you have ever known is marriage and family. Been there, done that.

Jonisaysitbest · 20/10/2023 18:30

@Thundercnut yes, it is hard, also been there done that, but not impossible (as we both demonstrate?) and in this case I think ending the marriage would be best. Six years is a very long time to betray someone and the OP's husband doesn't seem to understand what he has done wrong.
I understand that nothing is black & white and that marriages can survive infidelity at times but I can't see there is much to save here.

CheekyHobson · 20/10/2023 18:30

The amount of lies he would have told over six years would be enough for me to know I could never trust him again.

And although I’m sure you have no warm feelings for the other woman, the fact that after six years he can write her off as “just sex” and “meaning nothing” shows just what a shallow bastard he is. He was happy to risk his marriage so he doesn’t respect and love you, and he clearly doesn’t respect and love her either, as he’s prepared to discard her as “nothing” in order to not lose his comfy married life.

rantinglunatic · 20/10/2023 18:32

Sorry your husband and utter and total arsehole. You are better than him

rantinglunatic · 20/10/2023 18:34

I'm sorry OP he claims to love you but I can see absolutely nothing that resembles love. He is just a shallow, self serving nob end. Get rid.

Gloriousgardener11 · 20/10/2023 18:36

You’ll never be able to trust him and given the opportunity he’d do it again as well.

Once they’ve strayed there is always a high chance that it will happen again.

Cut your loses and get out now otherwise you’ll be doing it further down the line when you’re older.

Sorry he’s been such a disappointment you, good luck.

Buildingthefuture · 20/10/2023 18:37

Honestly, my gut reaction is fuck no! But, I always say, never say never, so I don’t know? I do know that MN possibly isn’t the best place to post about this for you though. Have a look at Surviving Infidelity. Lots of people there who have walked in your shoes. I’m so sorry this has happened op, you must be reeling. Please do try and hang on to the fact that this is literally nothing do with you. Or your marriage. There is nothing you could have done or said or been to prevent him doing this. This is something broken in him, some selfish, entitled, cake eating crap that HE needs to address, whether you stay together or not. I also don’t believe the affair was “everything” to him. If it was and she was some magical Wonder Woman being, why didn’t he fuck off and be with her? It wasn’t “everything” it was “extra” because in his fucked up mind he thought he needed or deserved it. He didn’t do this to you, because he would have done it to anyone. He did it to himself….exposed himself as the lying, traitorous shit bag that he is. And only he can address that by taking a long hard look in the mirror at the man he really is. Small, cowardly, weak and pathetic. He needs to become irrelevant to you now whilst you focus on healing yourself.

LifeExperience · 20/10/2023 18:39

No, he's despicable. That's years of his time and energy which by right he should have spent with you. No way would I ever stay married to such a man.

Supersimkin2 · 20/10/2023 18:39

No.

You’re infinitely better off without him. But it takes 6 months after binning him to realise that.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 20/10/2023 18:39

No. Six years! Hell no.
Living a double life, lying to you when you found out and, the nerve of the man, CARRYING ON with the affair then trying to claim it meant nothing now that it's over and you are the only show in town.
I couldn't. I could never look at him in the same way without thinking "Liar!"

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