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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2023 16:20

Fucking hell. He’s lied to you every day for 6 years. That’s beyond an affair, it’s a double life.

Do you know her?

readbooksdrinktea · 20/10/2023 16:21

Agree with PP. Six years is a second relationship. And he's not even sorry about it. Nope.

Teatimeisanytime · 20/10/2023 16:22

He stole 6 years of your marriage for another woman. (people steal things in different ways and this is one of them.)
I wouldnt care if i was 90 he could go live with her or somewhere else.
You gave 35 years of yourself to this man 6 of them he stole for someone else.
Dont let him have another minute an affair no a double life is what he had going.
You can always start again no matter what age you are .

billy1966 · 20/10/2023 16:23

He is utter scum.

I absolutely would not forgive it.

Get yourself checked out for STI's.

Baconking · 20/10/2023 16:28

I'm not sure you can trust that the affair is actually over. After 6 years with OW he's not going to be able to switch off any feelings he's built up for her.

At 53, you could still have 30+ years, do you want to spend those years with someone who could treat you so poorly.

Do you have real life friends or family to support you through this?

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 20/10/2023 16:29

He is a liar. There is absolutely no way you would have a 6 year affair and not have strong feelings for them.

He may well want to fix your marriage now but he's not going to be able to just say goodbye to a relationship he had for 6 years. Once you are settled again, I imagine he will slowly resume the affair.

If you can live with knowing this likely won't be the end of the affair, then you could potentially work through it on a 'don't need to know' basis.

He had caused irreparable damage to you and you well-being, im sorry you're in the position.

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 16:32

I feel like our whole married life has been a lie .I can't even look at family photos from the past 6 yrs as i feel he was with her then so was all a big pretend to him . I'm not interested in ever starting another relationship as i would find it so hard to trust anyone again.. I have just told my family and they are all so shocked as he is not the type you'd think would do this ..

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/10/2023 16:32

It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me

He’s not even sorry and is making excuses and making it your problem.

I couldn’t forgive this. It would be done for me.

kingkongs · 20/10/2023 16:33

I could forgive a brief lapse of judgement (and I have). Six years of constant deception and lies about where he was going? Not a chance.

sleepingpsycho · 20/10/2023 16:34

No way, I couldn't forgive any affair regardless of how damaging the separation would be.

Jonisaysitbest · 20/10/2023 16:34

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. I remember the shocking pain of discovering your husband has been lying to you and betraying your trust.
My own exH also cheated. His main affair lasted a year. I didn't realise the length & extent of it until we went to marriage counselling. For me, as soon as I heard that , knew it had to be over. I knew I could never trust him again and that those feelings of hurt & mistrust would never go away.
He has since confessed that he had "one or two" other partners along the way.

What made it "easier" for me was that he didn't plead to stay or try again although he later said he regretted it all.

I am early fifties and on my own now. He has the classic younger, childless girlfriend. We co-parent our teenage kids pretty well but I know we were right to end the marriage because I still feel anger & resentment towards him deep down. I keep it hidden and journal about it if I have to but no way could I have carried on living with him. I felt totally humiliated and disrespected by his behaviour.

Being on your own takes a bit of getting used to but it's ok and, to my mind, preferable to living with someone you might grow to hate & resent.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

thebear1 · 20/10/2023 16:35

No, I'd have no trust and I think I'm worth more than a deceitful relationship.

wayyour · 20/10/2023 16:38

No, definitely not.

TeeBee · 20/10/2023 16:38

Not a chance! That's six years of choosing to lie to his family and to deceive you over and over again. That's living two lives territory. I wouldn't want someone that shit. Throw him back.

BubziOwl · 20/10/2023 16:46

I could be forgiving of a drunken fumble that was instantly regretted, but not a long term affair. Certainly not six years.

But as many have said, I am not you. You must make the decision that is best for you.

Something someone once told me which I often think about is to watch out for, and closely scrutinise, decisions you make that are rooted in fear. So in this case, are you considering staying with him out of fear of being alone? Fear of the unknown after being with him all this time? I'm personally not sure that those fears are good reasons alone; very understandable feelings yes, but not the basis for a happy future.

Maybe there are other factors that mean that staying truly will lead to the best outcome for you, I don't know. I feel for you, this is a really horrible and terrible shock Flowers

SapatSea · 20/10/2023 16:46

He has knowingly put your life and a 35 year relationship at risk - STI's, cervical cancer, HPV, HIV etc. especially if the OW also has a partner or is a free agent -that's a lot of sexual connections. Your H took a unilateral decision to put you at risk. He does not cherish or respect you. He is NOT a good husband. Perhaps he is happy with you at home making life comfortable and servicing his needs in the cozy nest. His sense of entitlement is immense - "only sex" - no he has put your health at risk, no doubt spent money and trashed every vow you made. He has betrayed you every day for 6 years. He had an entire secret life from you and probably revelled in how smart he felt he was in the deception. He knows he has done wrong and seems to feel justified in doing so. He used your long, close bond of trust to deceive you long term. Six years is more than a lot of marriages last.

Does he resent getting involved with you from such a young age? Is he one of those men who "feels he missed out" by settling for the uni girlfriend? I've met several men like that.

ReadySalty · 20/10/2023 16:54

I think 6 years would be too long for me. But who knows? I didn't think I coukd forgive cheating at all, until it actually happened to me.

Whatever you decide, you'll never feel the same about your DH. It's like a cracked plate.

Liv999 · 20/10/2023 16:58

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 15:47

No, he would be out the door and I would take him for every penny I could

This

zeibesaffron · 20/10/2023 16:58

This is unforgivable and his explanation of ‘I didn’t think I was going anything wrong’ is nasty and hurtful. It also means he has no remorse and no idea what you are experiencing now. Only you can decide next steps but this for me would be divorce.

Please do though think about leaving - you could never trust him again and at 53 you have such an amazing and full life ahead of you!

A few things

  • talk to relate to help you on this process they support people to break up as well as stay together.
  • build your network and social circle
  • sort all paperwork, move passports, joint/ his finance info/ statements as well as any pension info you have (yours and his) out.
  • Get an appointment with a solicitor and see what you are entitled too and what your next legal steps could be.
  • Do things while you are waiting for all this to come together that build your confidence and things that meet your needs.

Good luck - I am so sorry you are going through this - you don’t deserve this and your husband is a prick for doing it!

MsDogLady · 20/10/2023 17:09

…saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn’t think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.

Hogwash. @Feelinfedup, please don’t fall for his blatant attempt to con you.

The affair meant everything to him, and that’s why he carried on stealing your agency/choices and risking your health for 6 long years. It’s why he continued cheating even after you confronted him. He knew all along it was wrong — taking thousands of devious steps to hoodwink you as he conducted his

long-term infidelity with his mistress. He would go berserk if you made a mockery of him by leading a 6 year double life.

His ludicrously dishonest statement above shows that he is still in ‘wayward mode’ and any reconciliation would be false. Really, @Feelinfedup, his betrayal is so monumental that it would absolutely be the end for me.

Gillypie23 · 20/10/2023 17:13

I personally couldn't forgive 6 year affair. That length of time shoes he's lack of respect for you. He's probably only sorry because he got caught.

Thundercnut · 20/10/2023 17:14

He has had a six-year affair, so you can take as long as you need to work out what to do next.

I'm the same age as you and it's hard to say what I would do in your situation. If everything else was okay, I might just accept that he wasn't the man I thought he was, but not be so bothered that I would be willing to uproot my entire life even more. Would I want to end up divorcing at 53, trying to find a small house, be thinking about getting old alone? If you get to 50 and your children have grown up, you sort of realise that there's more to marriage than sexual fidelity - if you are still together, there is still a home for the children (and grandchildren) to return to, and your life will run its course in a relatively predictable manner.

If you decide to end your marriage, it's a massive leap into uncertainty and, probably, relative poverty. You might have to get a job, and if you haven't had a job for a long time, that is in practice going to be as good as impossible (not an issue if you've always worked, obviously). Your children will have to navigate split birthdays, Christmases, weddings, etc, etc.

But it could also be the best thing you ever do. You are still young enough to do something radically different. Go and live abroad, or travel, or do any of the things you have always wanted to do but are difficult to do while you're a couple. Meet new people. Maybe you would meet a man who didn't want to lead a double life, and who thought he was so lucky to have you that he would never look at another woman again. Maybe you could meet a millionaire and never worry about money again.

It's all a massive gamble, but it's definitely not as straightforward as "LTB". And it's not a quick decision. Eventually your gut will tell you what to do, but don't make any hasty moves.

freetheunicorn1 · 20/10/2023 17:16

Absolutely not, there would never be trust!

I am currently separating after catching my husband cheating, I believe it was going on about 3 months but not sure as still no honesty. For me any affair is not forgivable.

And I am starting again at 46.

Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 20/10/2023 17:16

What a dick but I'd want to know whether your "D"H or the OW ended it? Is that why he's gaslighting you so that he's back with you as the safe option rather than being on his own with neither of you. Not sure I'd be happy nor could I forgive being second best.

Itrymybestyesido · 20/10/2023 17:23

Never. I just couldn't or wouldn't.