How many men go back to the OW?

[notanotherstat]

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

My male friend did this. He was caught messaging someone else. He claimed to have stopped and blocked the woman. ( she had no idea at first that he was married).
His wife decided to forgive and move on. They worked hard to build up their marriage again and a year later seemed pretty solid. That was until my dh and I spotted him meeting up with said woman. He admitted him and his wife had been arguing again and he just reached out to her. He had actually been seeing her the whole time and been lying to everyone about it.

Quite a few I think, the issues don't go away.

Why do they bother coming clean and wanting to work on the relationship to then just go back to the OW though?

I guess it’s sometimes easier to bury your head in the sand. It’s easier to pretend everything is good with the wife and it’s probably more exciting for them to still have the attention of another woman.

Because they’re useless, cowardly dickbags that want to have their cake and eat it.

@Hiddenvoice I guess you're right. Also doesn't help when they say they thought they were in love with the OW....

I do wonder sometimes whether men come back because they are in love with their wife, or if it's just because it's harder to imagine a life without them and the kids.

Not many come clean out of the blue they’re usually caught. They then beg to stay in the relationship/marriage and vow to end affair and go no contact with OW. They go to therapy, make lots of effort etc.

Then they start seeing OW again (if they ever stopped) or a new OW and end up leaving on their own terms when THEY decide. If they were in love with the OW and it was a long term thing then there’s a very high chance of them carrying it on or going back.

I have no idea why so many men do this and why it’s such a depressingly common way that these things play out. Obviously it doesn’t always go that way but it does very often. I honestly think they beg to stay and make a big show of trying to make it work with their wife so they don’t look like a complete bastard to all their mutual friends and family. Then when they eventually leave they can tell everyone they ‘tried’.

This must at least partly be it. It would take a real dirtbag to not think of his children in all of it. In saying this, I wonder how many men struggle with their emotions once they've started down this path? I'm sure the largest reason is financial. Men realise they would have to give the wife half and keep OW satisfied still.

@FedUpOfItA good points. I'm sure even at first the men think the wife is what they want, but wonder if it's really just the home life they are scared to give up. But surely if after an affair of around 2 years which apparently involved love, the feelings for the OW wouldn't just disappear? Or do you think he could have genuinely come out of an affair bubble and realised he loved his wife? He came clean without being found out.

House, kids, divorce expenses, friends and family opinions. Lots of things. Change is harder than staying the same, especially when your whole life will be uprooted.

They will likely have to move out the family home, into a bedsit, while still paying expenses for the family home and the kids. Having to do their own cooking and cleaning. Not seeing the kids etc. Especially if the OW doesn't want them to move in yet.

I'm not saying this is right or an excuse, it's a horrible thing to do. But I think this is why: i.e. being cowardly and it feels easier.

If it was 2 years and involved love I’d be very wary of continuing with him. Feelings don’t just disappear so whatever he’s saying and even if he’s genuinely trying he will still be thinking about her. Also, he may have come clean only because ow or someone else was threatening to out the affair. That’s not the same as him choosing to and if this is the case it could still have been going on right now if he wasn’t pushed to come clean.

The thing to always remember is that he may be sorry now but he wasn’t sorry while he was doing it. If it happened once and then he came clean they maybe but letting it go on 2 years and he loved her!

Only the betrayed person can decide what’s best for them and don’t let anyone tell you what you should do but something of that length and involving love, I’d think very carefully about why you would still want him after him choosing to be so close and intimate with someone else for a prolonged period.

To be clear, I don't think they "genuinely" love the wife and want to be with the wife. They want the other stuff. The home, the kids, cooking, cleaning. Their own money etc.

If he loved the wife, the 2 year affair and being "in love" with the OW wouldn't have happened. He might "love who you are" and have feelings for you, but not in the way you want. Not the way you love him, and not the way he "loves" the OW.

They try again because they realise its going to hit them in the pocket but eventually they realise that all the issues that led them to be unhappy in the marriage still remain so go off to where the grass looks greener.

Be came clean because he was too cowardly to leave so wanted to in effect force the wife to chuck him out.

@Spirallingdownwards but then if he begs the wife for another chance and says he doesn't feel anything anymore, then why would he want the wife to chuck him out?

@RedSledgeEater could he not just have got carried away? And suddenly seen the light and loves his wife?

@Specso that's the worrying thing. What if he still thinks of her.

This sums it up.

You don’t have a 2 year affair with someone you love if you really loved your wife.

He may care for his wife and feel love in a ‘family member’ type way and think you are a lovely woman with nice qualities etc but no man who is ‘in love’ with his wife would have a 2 year love affair with someone else. It just wouldn’t happen if you were really in love with your wife. A one off ‘mistake’ with no feelings involved then maybe but not 2 years.

If he doesn't resolve whatever issues led to the affair in the first place, then it'll always be a risk. He hasn't developed any other coping mechanisms for life.

I'd say ignore anything he says and just look at what he does.

I know it hurts but he absolutely will still be thinking of her.

I have no clue why they beg, plead and cry in order to stay. I’ve known people this has happened to and it was an absolute performance and desperation to be forgiven..a very convincing performance.

Then a few months later they left anyway. I honestly think it’s a panic response to buy some more time to decide what THEY want to do and you will only let them stay if they say what you want and need to hear and make it convincing.

Ultimately people who cheat are utterly selfish and will always act in their own best interest. Not the wife or the OW’s..their own.

But he could have left to be with OW but chose to be at home. I saw one message to OW after he confessed which said he didn't regret them but wants to be with his family

@notanotherstat if you’re seriously considering reconciliation get yourself on surviving infidelity. The understanding around affair psychology is second to non there, and I’m afraid you don’t get that here. If your husband wants to repair then he needs to read and unpick what led him to being so entitled and selfish. I know many happy marriages post affair but it took a lot of work from the cheat to really want to heal the marriage.

The posters there will be able to guide you as to whether this man is remorseful or just biding his time.

I'd sayba lot of men are capable of assessing that things with the ow seem more exciting with the OW but they remember that it did feel like that with their wife to begin with. They don't want to divorce and divide up assets and play blended families only to slide in to the same comfortable hum drum with the OW.

I'd say a lot of men think "ill stick with this marriage" not realising they have destroyed it and that choice isn't real any more.

I know a woman who is very happily married to her H who left his wife for her but he didn't dither over the pair of them. He knew his mind, and it was as a very young man that he went with the flow.

I can't think of any example of men going back and forth actually. Although I'm sure it'd be kept private!

@notanotherstat

I am ashamed to admit I had an affair years ago. But wanted to post to give you some perspective from the other side if helpful

I was in a bad place, relationship wasn't great, and I connected with someone at work. While in the daze/ fog of this, I would have said that person understood me, was kind/considerate in a way I had not known. But it was a fantasy. It's so easy for a person to seem perfect when you don't have any normality going on- no arguments over who takes the bin out; who is sorting out the car etc. I am sure had I left home to set up with this man it would have been so far from ideal.

It was a lie. I told him lies, I am sure he told me lies. It was all a fabrication to make the other person feel good- none of it was real. If I see this person now, I can hardly understand why I was attracted.

I told my husband. We had a shitty time after it- harder than anything I have read, I was not prepared at all. We got through it but it took a huge amount of effort from us both. And at times I am sure it would have been easier to quit. But we do love each other. My husband is absolutely the person I want to be with.

So I have no idea on your question- as sure it is individual. But, would I go back to the other man. Not a chance in hell. And now I fully understand the extent of damage and hurt it caused, I just couldn't do it.

@bingbongbang23 thank you for your honesty. How long were you with the OM? Did you think you were in love? Did you still contact OM after you ended it with the OM?

In my experience once they have had a taste of the excitement of a double life, they struggle to go back to the real world. The excitement fades when wifey finds out and dh has to manage with the reality of the kids and work and managing a home, which is why they try to come back when that slap in the face takes place.

Yes, I thought I was in love. The secrecy of it all adds to this- I would have told you that only he understood me. Now, that was utter bollocks. He was the only person that knew I was living a double life so of course he was the only person that understood.. the secrecy fuels the connection.

While I said all the right things to my husband, the real 'lightbulb' moment only came after I did a good bit of individual counselling. Really got to the root of why I cheated, and then taking the full responsibility for my actions. While I understand there is no sympathy for the person in my shoes, when the penny finally dropped on the enormity of what I had done, what I had risked, how I had hurt my husband- the shame and disappointment in myself was overwhelming. But it was completely necessary before I could start to build bridges with my husband.

I stopped contact by choice- not because I was found out or because I was given an ultimatum. I think that helped my husband, but am not sure.

Do you want to stay with him? What is he doing to show you that he is working on this? For me, a few things were vital- counselling (individual and couples), no contact with OM/W, talking and being willing to work on things on both sides.