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Original poster

How many men go back to the OW?

210 replies

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:30

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

OP posts:
Mourningbecomeselectra · 19/10/2023 15:09

They can’t bear to be alone. They can’t bear to think their wife or the OW might choose to walk away from them.

Pathetic really

Mrsttcno1 · 19/10/2023 15:21

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 12:11

More than anything I just want to know if he really does love me or if he loves her. I know it doesn't change anything but I just need to know. Or maybe he loves no one but himself?

He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family.

In the kindest way possible, if he can carry on with another woman for 2 years, he doesn’t love you. The lying, the betrayal, the hurt, think of someone you truly love like your child or your parent, you love them, and you wouldn’t even dream of doing anything to hurt or upset them would you? You don’t lie to or deliberately hurt the people you love, and if you truly love someone your head couldn’t be turned. I’m not saying he loves her, but the fact that there even is a “her” means he doesn’t love you. You may be right and he just loves nobody but himself.

Abergale · 19/10/2023 15:41

I would presume he means he doesn’t like the idea of living without his children and he feels he can tolerate living with you to have that. I wouldn’t settle for that.

category12 · 19/10/2023 16:39

He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family.

Sorry, but that doesn't say he wants you, tho, does it? It just says he wants his homelife to stay the same.

Susieb2023 · 19/10/2023 17:22

‘He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family’

I don’t see that this man is remorseful at all. This comment is pathetic. What actions is he doing to heal your utter devastation, I get the feeling he’s just a pathetic sad sap who is hoping it’ll go away. You can’t reconcile and repair with a cheat like that!

Susieb2023 · 19/10/2023 17:24

@pumpkinsareshortlived amazing post. Pretty much what my husband said to me once he’d processed his affair.

Smooshface · 19/10/2023 19:49

He hasn't even chosen you, he had chosen the family. This isn't out if love for you, and once the kids are grown up enough i imagine he'll go again.

Tried to reconcile with ex after affair, but he didn't cut contact with AP, so i ended it. Said if we were ever to reconcile it would have to be with him living nearby and starting from square one. He decided to make a go of it with AP instead, so that's that. Our 20 years just wasn't worth fighting for to him.

If you are really going to do this, and I'm not sure i would, counselling together and individual has to be insisted upon. If he just comes back without it nothing will change, he'll pretend to do better for a while but he'll never have got to the root of his mindset that allowed this to happen in the first place.

Original poster
notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 20:02

@Smooshface thank you for your insight. This seems sadly quite common. I'm wondering if maybe he just got his wording wrong when he said about the family and he does want to be with me. I wouldn't stop him seeing the children so he doesn't have to be with me for just that.

How long after you finding out was he then back in contact with OW?

OP posts:
Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:08

NC for this for obvious reasons. But I was the OW - the guy got caught, went back to his wife. Nearly two years later (with zero contact) he recently got in touch and confessed he was in love with me. Only staying for the kids. Regretted ever marrying her.

so no, I don’t think if genuine feelings were involved they do just ‘get over it’. They stay and do damage control, but they wouldn’t have long term affairs if they truly loved their wife.

mpo00 · 19/10/2023 20:11

I'm another long term other woman. He was caught after 3 years. Second time he was caught. We didn't see each other for 6 months. We still messaged and spoke. Affair restarted a year ago. He isn't trusted he isn't happy. do i want him, no not full time

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:11

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:08

NC for this for obvious reasons. But I was the OW - the guy got caught, went back to his wife. Nearly two years later (with zero contact) he recently got in touch and confessed he was in love with me. Only staying for the kids. Regretted ever marrying her.

so no, I don’t think if genuine feelings were involved they do just ‘get over it’. They stay and do damage control, but they wouldn’t have long term affairs if they truly loved their wife.

and do you believe him ?

Original poster
notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 20:12

@Cupcake135 thank you for your honesty.

How did you get over him? Could you just switch off your feelings? I am wondering if he has done that. How long were you cheating for?

OP posts:
Repentent · 19/10/2023 20:17

NC for this obvs.

I used to have affairs. Quite a few of them when I was married. I left him for a particularly exciting one who fulfilled some deep needs in me. I wish I wasnt about to say this - but it remains the best sex I have ever had.

In my defence. I was married at 19. Too young.

In truth, I deserved pity -as I was not happy with myself nor my marriage.

Now much older and wiser, its not something I would do.

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:19

Yes, for a multitude of reasons I can’t go into here. I also believe he is a coward. He said he was having the affairs hoping she’d find out and end it but she didn’t. I believe he loves his kids and is terrified of losing them. I truly think he is staying out of duty and obligation. Not from anything he has actually told me, but I think his wife is highly narcissistic (and my exH was so I recognised a lot of the signs, even when he didn’t, he never even said anything bad about her as such, but so much of how she behaved resonated with me)

as I said zero contact, but he was online stalking me the whole time. Two years.

will he leave her? I don’t know, but in the end I had to make sure he couldn’t contact me. Not because I don’t love him but because it wasn’t healthy for anyone.

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 20:21

Well I know 2 men who did this.

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:21

@Cupcake135 have you ever met his wife or are you going by what he tells you about her?

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:24

To be clear, he never ‘slagged her off’. But he would just talk about the way she behaved and acted in certain situations completely neutrally, but it raised major red flags for me given what I experienced with my exH, who was abusive.

I genuinely don’t think this guy even realised how toxic it all was until I pointed it out, and he said he’d had therapy since and was told he needed to work on his boundaries with her more, which was a bit weird given he was the one who cheated.

so the whole thing seems toxic. Not that that’s an excuse and he is a still a coward. But not everything is black and white.

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:27

@notanotherstat I mean no one can tell you ‘who he loves’. I’m just sharing my experience.

the question is, what do you want, and do you want to be with someone whose ‘love’ involves being unfaithful? That’s the only thing that matters.

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:30

What I have found is that there are men who are very good at this kind of stuff and know exactly what to say and how and what strings to pull all the while declaring they don't normally do this kind of thing blah blah...and appear very innocent and honest. Yet all the time they are lying. I never know why women believe something from a guy who is lying all the time to his wife and family. Do you now have someone else in your life?

Mrsgreen100 · 19/10/2023 20:33

Particular trick, that narcissistic man play

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 19/10/2023 20:33

If they don’t go back to the OW it’s only because they don’t want to suffer the financial impact of divorce/become a weekend dad. Men like this choose between sex and money. It’s not about their so-called ‘love’ for either woman.

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:35

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:48

Why do they bother coming clean and wanting to work on the relationship to then just go back to the OW though?

I think initially they panic and cannot imagine the disruption and the harsh reality. However people do grieve their affair partner for long periods of time and sometimes find it very difficult to let go. They want to have it both.

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:38

@bronkie yes and normally I’d think the same. I do believe this was different for so many reasons, but no one would believe me, so there’s no point. But sometimes you just know.

I’m just sharing the perspective that yes, I do think the MM can be in love with the OW but not want to lose his family, no he probably doesn’t stop thinking of her if that was the case, and no I don’t think men who have long term affairs actually love their wives in any meaningful or truly authentic sense.

some cheating men of course only wanted an easy thrill and will forget about the OW entirely.

I think if you want to stay after infidelity for practical reasons then fine, but I think you’d have to face up to the fact it’s not the ‘love’ you thought you had and that they may end up leaving eventually anyway.

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:40

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:35

I think initially they panic and cannot imagine the disruption and the harsh reality. However people do grieve their affair partner for long periods of time and sometimes find it very difficult to let go. They want to have it both.

Show quote history

Yes agreed. It’s cowardly.

Vretz · 19/10/2023 20:41

I don't get why they'd want the aggro in the long term. I can't think of anything worse than trying to keep a wife, DC and an OW happy... whilst juggling social life, job, hobbies etc.

Just sounds like a lot of hard work that's better invested in the wife. Generally if I had a tired, boring wife... i am probably not pulling my weight. Tends to be the case that a relaxed, happy wife is very giving...

The saying "happy wife, happy life" has merit.

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