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Original poster

How many men go back to the OW?

210 replies

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:30

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

OP posts:
Sadtoday123 · 20/10/2023 07:01

Jonti you are wrong I don't want the roast dinner
I do wonder op if he has told you everything. I know my AP minimised and lied about our affair when he was caught

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 07:40

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 04:27

@Cupcake135

I'm not attacking you, i could for your poor choices but mainly to point out that you may have been deceived here.

You are choosing to see this man as a victim and a coward, but maybe he's very shrewed, a covert narc, he's not a nice man.

@notanotherstat , there are plenty of people who remain together after affairs, many more than people admit on here, and I suppose it depends where you are in the game, early days and your feeling run so high you can't make trusted decisions, so take it a day at a time if you're unsure, his behaviour will tell you all you need to know going forward.

If he is remorseful and really wants to stay then agree on the new terms going forward, but you must understand he is a liar and they generally don't change with either sex.

I wish you well and hope your confidence returns, with or without him, be kind to yourself and acknowledge you've had two genuinely deplorable people in your life and I hope one day you manage to shit on him, in one way or another.

Maybe. But he isn’t.

I know in the world of mumsnet everything is very black and white, but sometimes real life isn’t like that. I have explained a tiny fraction of my situation but only what was relevant in response to the OP’s question which was ‘how often do they go back to the OW’.

In my case, he did, that’s all, and it’s all just very sad for everyone.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 08:35

Sadtoday123 · 20/10/2023 07:01

Jonti you are wrong I don't want the roast dinner
I do wonder op if he has told you everything. I know my AP minimised and lied about our affair when he was caught

You ‘know’ what he told u. You actually don’t know what goes on between a husband and wife in their relationship and in their bed let alone conversations. But it’s good that you believe him. It makes it easier to carry on.

mpo00 · 20/10/2023 08:43

Jonti minimisation after an affair is well known. Maybe he lied but it is a well known fact they minimise

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 08:51

Isn't it the case that sometimes it's not as simplistic as an either/or choice? What if he starts an affair when something is going on in his life or he feels that his marriage is lacking (I don't support affairs, just suggesting a scenario). The OW seems to provide whatever it is he feels he's not getting from his wife. Perhaps then something happens in his and his wife's life. Could be anything. A relative dies, his DC reach milestones, his wife comes out of menopause, etc. This acts as a trigger and maybe he feels like his marriage has improved. Then, he wants to go back to the status quo without the crutch of the OW. It's not that he necessarily regrets the OW, maybe she's a perfectly fine friend, maybe he even felt love, but he doesn't need that crutch anymore. He feels guilty and ashamed at the way he's been behaving, so he tells his wife (maybe she finds out). He doesn't want to hurt the OW's feelings so he tells her that he doesn't regret it. He maybe even tries to keep in touch to keep things friendly so OW doesn't confront the wife.
It's all so very complicated but from what you've posted, OP, it doesn't sound like he will return to OW.

FairyMaclary · 20/10/2023 08:52

Cheaters are liars. They lie to their spouse, the other person and themselves. They are proven liars.

I believe cheaters cheat due to character defects. Poor self esteem, the need for external validation, poor self control, lack of self discipline, compartmentalising, inability to self soothe, arrogance, lack of empathy, poor communication or inability to communicate how he feels, holds onto resentment rather than having discussions. Of course not all have every characteristic but look at him carefully.

They lack integrity and self respect. Someone who had integrity would ‘kill or cure’ the marriage before sneaking about like a 15 year behind the bike sheds. It’s not a good look for a 15 year old never mind an adult with kids.

When you look closely at him and his personality you will see these defects were present long before you met him. He has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if I won’t get caught. I am faithful but not on a stag do with the lads. I am faithful but a strip club doesn’t count.

Anyone is capable of cheating, tinder sits only a few clicks away. Being faithful is an active choice SOME people make. I stood in front If friends and family and made vows. I did that willingly. I choose to have integrity as i like and respect who I am. I am far from perfect and I accept there are people funnier, smarter and prettier then me. But I like myself and if my words are meaningless then what or who am I?

I stay faithful for me. I have integrity and self control. Integrity is one of my core values and im not going to let myself down. My husband is collateral damage to my decisions. I don’t do it FOR him (he’s annoying at times and he can’t make me do anything) I am faithful for me. I respect myself.

Unless he really discovers who he is. Unless you really rip up the floor of your relationship and he recognises the lack of respect he chose to have in this (and no doubt other) aspects of his life he is unsafe as a partner. Sadly the character traits a cheater has makes it tricky for them to fix themselves. Needing ego kibbles/external validation and low integrity and lying are hard to fix. To recognise yourself as someone who chose to abuse your spouse (an affair is abusive - gaslighting, putting sexual and mental health in danger, lying, sneaking etc) is hard to do. They want to be the good guy in their story.

Any counsellor who mentions unmet needs you need to run a mile from. It’s nonsense. If you are unhappy you talk, divorce or put up with it. Sneaking about doesn’t solve your problems it just adds more. My choices and values matter to me I have to live with me forever, you can’t make anyone cheat we are not that powerful. Meeting another’s needs won’t give them integrity and self respect.

bronkie · 20/10/2023 09:10

It's sad to see women on here saying they don't want their AP full time or they don't want the roast dinner. In other words they are involved in deceiving another woman for some fun and giggles. The husband is primarily to blame but surely there are plenty of single men who are just looking for fun and giggles?

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 09:14

bronkie · 20/10/2023 09:10

It's sad to see women on here saying they don't want their AP full time or they don't want the roast dinner. In other words they are involved in deceiving another woman for some fun and giggles. The husband is primarily to blame but surely there are plenty of single men who are just looking for fun and giggles?

There are lots and lots of single men who would jump at the chance of fun and giggles!
The problem is, some women like the security of a married man, either because they don't want a husband or, more commonly, because a married man has a proven track record. He's proven he can be a provider, or a decent father to children, etc. Mate poaching!

rentingthisglove · 20/10/2023 09:14

@FairyMaclary you nailed it!

I’ve no skin in the game, I’m single at present busy raising my child so no time! But throughout my life, never cheated, never been cheated on. It’s very very rare in my circle. My close friends and family don’t engage in affairs either. I know you would say I’d never know, but I’m as confident as I could be about this. We aren’t religious but we try to live with integrity and grace.
I see cheating as moral damaging and that why I won’t engage in it or tolerate it. It comes at a high cost, and I don’t think sex with others when you are pretending that you are already in a committed relationship is the right thing to do.

However I’m financially independent and am happy and confident with lots of capabilities to not have to be forced into choosing to stay with someone who has affairs. I’m also single so I can have sex with who I choose rather than the person I’ve committed to, which over time can become less interesting. I appreciate not everyone is in this position (particularly women with children) so I’m happy for them to choose to live another way, it doesn’t affect me at all and I wish them well.

FairyMaclary · 20/10/2023 09:29

It doesn’t make sense to me why any woman would get involved with a married man. I’ve been hit on by loads of married men over the years. I see them as saddos and with the ones who were seen as good guys by friends and colleagues I lose all respect for them. It makes their character flaws very visible and I feel sorry for them to be so cowardly and lacking in self respect. I had an old colleague that hit on me, I previously really respected him. Saw him as a mentor, top of his field etc I now just think he’s a sleeze. When someone mentions him I don’t think of his achievements I just see his flaws and wonder what else he hides from view. He is a proven liar etc so what in business does he hide? How is he prepared to fuck his employees and colleagues over if his word means nothing?

I had a wild time in my late teens/20s but I am proud to say I never touched a married man. I cringed at many of them and I told a fair few what I thought of them but I wouldn’t have touched one (yuk).

You would have to have low self esteem to be okay with being hidden from view. I also couldn’t lurk in the shadows to be someone’s secret shag. I couldn’t be bothered with the sneaking and rules associated with cheating (don’t text etc). Also I’ve never been naive enough to believe ‘my wife doesn’t understand meeeee’ ‘ we never have sex’ etc. They are proven liars and low value men due to their character defects.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 20/10/2023 09:33

I'm sure the largest reason is financial. Men realise they would have to give the wife half and keep OW satisfied still
This -seen it over and over and indeed lived it

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 09:36

Spot-on @FairyMaclary !

Original poster
notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 11:27

Update - he's been messaging her but telling her he wants to be with his family. At first I was angry but then I thought it's good he's telling her he wants his family?

What do you all make of this? I asked for total no contact! Why hasn't he blocked her?

OP posts:
Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 11:36

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 11:27

Update - he's been messaging her but telling her he wants to be with his family. At first I was angry but then I thought it's good he's telling her he wants his family?

What do you all make of this? I asked for total no contact! Why hasn't he blocked her?

OP… has hasn’t blocked her because he can’t let go.

is this what you truly want for your marriage? My bet is when the kids are older and he no longer feels the same duty or responsibility, he will leave. It’s up to you really what sort of relationship you want. Seems like a horrible and empty way to live. You should be with someone who truly loves you and wants you.

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 11:40

The other thing I would point out here is if those were the exact words he used, his family. Not you specifically. Also you probably don’t know exactly what has been said.

I mean you ‘asked’ for no contact and he’s still contacting her so really he can do what he likes at this point.

category12 · 20/10/2023 11:42

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 11:27

Update - he's been messaging her but telling her he wants to be with his family. At first I was angry but then I thought it's good he's telling her he wants his family?

What do you all make of this? I asked for total no contact! Why hasn't he blocked her?

Again, that says to me he's not choosing you. It's choosing family life. Choosing to be with his kids in his house.

Wouldn't you prefer him to be saying "I want to be with notanotherstat"? Is less than that good enough?

Plus he's breaking his word to you again. You wanted him to stop all contact - he's ignored that.

He hasn't blocked her because he doesn't want to stop contact.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 11:49

Geez what a gem you got here OP.

Be calculated. Just think of extra yrs of pension and yr kids well-being and what u want and seriously don’t count on him.

Absolutely no contact in the meantime for him and the street pup. If it’s his family he wants he only gets it if no contact. Any contact and it’s off.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 11:51

If you are the roast dinner then don’t give it out for free. Street pups lap up any meat thrown in their direction.

He must not contact the street pup 🐶

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 11:53

Btw how many times do u need to tell someone yr preference and choice?

Actions before any words. He needs to prove he means it. Stuff the contact, it’s degrading for you OP.

perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 12:08

It's very telling that he's telling her he wants to be with his family.

Not his wife.

He is making sure that he isn't choosing YOU over HER. He's choosing being with his children over her.

FairyMaclary · 20/10/2023 12:16

Op can you afford a counsellor? If so please access one for you. Any counsellor who mentions unmet needs is not for you. As I said up thread meeting someone’s needs doesn’t make them an honest person with self worth and integrity. You are not powerful enough to make someone cheat. You cannot control his behaviour - you can only control your own. It’s also why cheating never ‘just happens’.

Read ‘Not Just friends’.
Read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’
Read ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’.

You are between a rock and a hard place. You are your priority. For your sake and your children’s sake. Fix you. His words are meaningless - he is a proven liar. His actions over a LONG time are what counts. And you need to decide if you are prepared to invest time in a known liar with no integrity.

He is no prize. You can reconcile but it will only succeed if he recognises what allows him to lie and break his own word. What are his values in life? Honesty, commitment, integrity and self worth are not traits he values. So what are the things he values? Until he knows who he is and what he values he is liable to chase ego kibbles to fill the bottomless hole inside him. If he places his ‘feeling’ of happiness on the way others make him feel he will never be a safe partner.

Original poster
notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 12:24

I know you're all right. He said he loves me and not her. If so why does he message her and not block her?

I keep thinking this is some nightmare I'll wake up from.

OP posts:
Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 12:29

Sweetheart you don’t need therapy, carry in doing what you want and need to do for Yr kids as this will make u happy.

He’s a liability like anyone else you’ll come across.

Set boundaries for the shit show to stop.

And stop wondering who he loves. He’s not capable of love, you’re with a mentalist, but no better or worse than you might find on tinder.

category12 · 20/10/2023 12:30

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 12:24

I know you're all right. He said he loves me and not her. If so why does he message her and not block her?

I keep thinking this is some nightmare I'll wake up from.

Because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

Sorry OP, he doesn't want to cut her off completely. Basically he probably wants this all to die down so he can continue his comfortable life at home with you but have her on the go as well.

Original poster
notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 12:41

@category12 does he really want to be with her do you think? I just can't understand why hes doing this, he's clearly not thinking straight.

I'm just trying to keep going for our 3 children.

OP posts: