OP there’s a lot here to digest!
Of course you wonder if he really loves you, the cognitive dissonance goes round in your head making you feel crazy.
”He is with me, wants to be with me, he must love me” calms you down for a while then: “He has had an affair, how can he love me?” Rinse and repeat.
Affairs can’t work without lying. A lot of lying. When people are in an affair, lying is the only thing preventing it all from crashing down and upending lives. Lie to the wife: I’m going to be in a meeting which I can’t see ending any time soon” Lie to the AP “My marriage is dead, you’ve come along and make me feel alive again. Oh no… we don’t sleep in the same bed…oh no, Im only staying for the children… oh no, I don’t love her, I love you” But then how to stop guilt? Stop feeling ashamed? Justify the terrible thing you are doing? “Actually, my wife is (insert negative comment lie here) and she never (insert negative comment our here) and she’s always so (insert negative character assassination comment lie here) and we met so young I’ve probably married the wrong person. I’m so (insert incredibly entitled self-aggrandisement here) and have been such a good husband and father that I deserve this happiness, I deserve better. Come to think of it, I’m actually a victim of unhappy circumstances not of my own making….” Etc etc etc. Guilt gone, shame gone, permission to self to continue cheating given.
Cold hard truth evaporates the lot of it sooner or later.
At present if he’s been lying for a long while he’ll find it hard to stop. Cheats tend to be avoidant cowards, who then try to maintain a status quo without having to own their own part in that status quo and can avoid tackling anything, and find a crutch of some sort to make them feel better about themselves and avoid their issues. The lies get bigger, the whole thing gets a momentum of its own and it gets so involved and complicated that getting out can seem impossible. Then when they have been rumbled, or can’t stand the double life any longer, truth starts to erode the lies, guilt re-emerges so it becomes damage limitation. It becomes about how to hold onto what they really want whilst also still trying to feel good about themselves, avoid seeing your disappointment in them and avoid looking at who they really have become at all costs. If their AP has been promised a future that was never going to happen they say stuff like “I’ll always love you but I have to stay with my family/ kids” Not say he wants to stay with you, OP, because the AP wouldn’t like to hear that and he might be afraid of what she’ll do in retaliation or just say it to avoid the guilt of having been a shit to her too. So he wants to leave AP thinking he still loves her but is nobly foregoing his own happiness for his family. This gets swallowed whole, pretty laughable really as this man hasn’t been noble in a long time.
So, OP, it’s very likely he wants to stay with you, and regrets his affair. However, if he wants even a chance from you after this, you get to decide what that looks like, you tell him, no negotiation, and stick with it. Explain what the boundaries are and be prepared to follow through. First one is no further contact, about anything, no contact, ever. There’s no reconciliation with a third party still in the marriage. What happens after that is up to you. You are the priority, you call the shots now. Ignore anyone talking in absolutes, eg they always love the OW but are too cowardly to leave/ once a cheater… etc etc, somebody will always disprove just about anything anyone ever says on here, one person’s experience is not the same as another’s. Some love the OW, some don’t. Don’t let comments trigger you and make you feel worse, they are comments and opinions and everyone is entitled to them, but might not be true in your situation. Put yourself first now, no reconciliation until he’s given her up completely. No contact, ever. This really is your first priority. Sending love OP, it’s truly horrible. X